by Majok Tulba
Dirt sits in big piles next to each grave. Some little kids play on one of the piles. A woman is digging nearby. Maybe she is digging her husband’s grave, their papa’s grave. I watch the kids running up the little hill, laughing. Maybe the rebels will come for them one day. Maybe Mama will dig Papa’s grave.
I want to run. Not like escape running. Just running.
When I’m running, I just think about my feet and the ground and the wind and I can pretend that I’m a cheetah or a bird. The village and the goats and the big boys at school who hate me for being smarter than them just blow away. Then it’s just me running and the ground and I can feel the wind. I can taste the fresh air. I am free and alive. That’s what I want to do. But I’m all squished in this truck with Akot and Otim on his other side and Akidi across from us with two other girls, then other kids from other villages and the kids who are already soldiers.
On a hill by the road, one of the little ones they left behind stands watching us. He’s all alone on his hill, just air around him.
I look up to the sky. There’s no air in this truck, even though it doesn’t have a roof. The air is too high above us. I sit and stare at the people around me. One of the boys in the back of the truck is wide-eyed and keeps looking around, like this is all a prank and he’s waiting for the big joke to end it. Another rubs his face, again and again. The biggest one is crying. I don’t feel scared. At least, I don’t think so. I’m not sure what I’m feeling. Right now I just want to get out of this truck.
And we’re slowing down, perhaps they’re going to let us out. I look to see where we are – the grassland between our village and the next, where Pina lives.
Pina has goats too, and we play together on the fields while the goats eat. Sometimes our goats get mixed up, but it’s okay. Pina and I don’t fight. We like racing out in the field while our goats eat. Pina is a really good runner. She says I run like a giraffe, but I’m as fast as she is. Her mama braids her hair like the missionary girls do. She has a big smile even though she’s missing a front tooth. Mama says she’s going to have a really beautiful smile when she grows up. Mama says her papa is going to have to put a veil over Pina’s face so that boys aren’t chasing after her all day. Maybe Pina’s papa is dead too.
One day while we were racing around we heard screaming and yelling from the huts in Pina’s village. We looked across the field, through the grass bent by our running feet. We ran back to the waterhole and the goats were gone. The goats had wandered back to the village, looking for something better to eat than grass. They knew where to go – that family’s place with a big garden. Pina and me, we saw the goats all together near that fence and the papa was waving a big stick at our goats, smacking their heads. His wife dragged one goat out of the garden. It had a big kale in its mouth.
‘Are these your goats?’ the papa asked, poking one of Pina’s goats.
‘Yes!’ his wife said. ‘That’s Pina. I see her out in that field all the time.’
The papa pushed through the goats towards us. He had a big stick and looked really mean and ugly, like a troll. He grabbed Pina and she screamed.
‘Your goats ate half my garden,’ the troll yelled, dragging Pina to the garden and making her look at it. ‘How can my family eat vegetables after your goats have chewed on them? But you don’t care! You kids only care about yourselves, don’t you? That’s why you let your goats run around like this. Well, this will make you care.’
He raised his big stick and Pina cried.
I yelled, ‘No! Don’t hit her. They’re my goats!’
I hadn’t planned to lie. I just opened my mouth and the lie tumbled out.
‘What?’ the troll said.
‘Pina’s goats are all over by the big rock. She just came to help me because my brother has to study today, because Mama doesn’t want him to repeat Primary 4 again.’
‘They’re all your goats?’
‘Yes. My family has a lot of goats, but my big brother is really stupid, so I have to watch them by myself today.’
The troll let go of Pina and grabbed me.
He said, ‘Okay, so you can learn a lesson today too.’
He whacked my rear with his big stick. It really hurt, way more than any other punishment I’d had. But it was easier to get hit than let it happen to Pina.
From the truck I see a house. I straighten to look out for Pina. The little houses with their sandy yards begin to go by more slowly. The Captain yells something, I think it’s a name. The truck jolts to a stop and we crash forward. Akot pushes me off him, then rests his head between his knees.
‘You should be happy,’ the teasing soldier says as he hops down from the truck. ‘We’re getting you more friends.’
Already we’re crammed in here like cows during a thunderstorm, and now they’re going to add more. It’s no problem for the grown-ups, they get to sit on the edges and dangle their feet. And the boys with guns just push you back if you try to sit next to them. So the rest of us have to squeeze together. A lot of the younger ones are sitting on laps. I don’t want to sit on Akot’s lap. I don’t want to sit on anybody’s lap.
The rebels are getting off the truck and shaking out their legs. Some of them make jokes, some yell taunts at the houses. They swing their guns. It’s like they want to shoot someone. How can they want to kill more?
Now that the soldiers are off the truck, I can see down the road. Unmoving, Pina stands in the yard in her mud-stained dress, watching us. Her mother is in the doorway, waving at her to come inside. I wave at her too, I want her to run away, but Pina sees me and comes running out towards the truck.
I want to yell out to her, but I’m afraid that will make the rebels mad.
I scan my brain. Most of the rebels are out of the truck now. I ask one whether I can get down too, and he shrugs. There are too many of them for us to escape. A couple of other kids follow me out of the truck, but most stay where they are, waiting.
One of the rebels sees Pina coming near. ‘Hello,’ he says. ‘I think she wants to volunteer.’
‘She’s a bit young for my taste,’ replies another one.
‘Looks like someone’s already claiming her,’ says the first, as Pina comes up to me.
They all laugh, but they don’t stop her. They are not shooting, maybe this isn’t a raid after all. The men are walking through the huts, looking around.
‘Obinna,’ Pina says. ‘Why are you in there?’
‘I have to join the army,’ I answer, trying not to sound scared.
‘But Mama says these are bad people! She says they killed a lot of people in the village. Did you know that?’
‘Shh!’ I try to make Pina be quiet. But I can tell some of the rebels have heard what she said. I take her round the back of the truck and whisper. ‘You mustn’t say things like that, you must run away from here.’ I can’t tell her about Papa. ‘They came and killed people, and if I don’t go they’ll kill me too.’
Pina drops to the ground, sitting with her hands folded up in front of her mouth. She’s looking off into space. I try to pull her up again.
‘They want me to be a soldier,’ I say.
She grabs my arm, pulling me down. ‘No, you can’t. You don’t even fight with the other boys in the field. How can you fight the army?’
‘I’ll have a gun.’ I don’t want to fight, but I want Pina to think that I could.
‘And so will the other people!’ She’s shaking me. ‘And what if they’re good people you’re fighting? You can’t go.’
Her eyes are wet and huge.
‘Pina, I have to go with them, but you must run away.’
‘Mama says they make kids our age kill people.’ Tears pour and pour from her eyes. ‘People are gone! Too many people are gone, and now you’re going too and no one is ever coming back!’
‘I’m going to come back. One day, I’ll run away and I’ll come back.’
‘Yes, you run away.’ Pina is sobbing so much I almost can’t understand her. ‘You can
hide in the bushes and no one will find you and I’ll bring you food. You’re very good at hiding.’
‘If I run away now they’ll kill Akot. Or maybe Mama. I can’t run.’
In the distance a scream. I scramble to my feet. It was so quiet before, everyone afraid to talk while the soldiers were around. Now someone is screaming. Looking around the side of the truck I see two boys, maybe brothers, running towards the tree line and into the dark jungle. One soldier fires two bullets after them but he misses. The boys keep running without looking back. I wouldn’t look back either if I was one of them in that field.
The Captain follows them with his eyes, an outrun lion looking at the fast-running gazelles.
‘Those boys would have been my soldiers,’ he says in a soft voice, almost a whisper.
He turns to look up the road, where the screaming comes from, and his eyes burn like charcoal.
The soldiers are dragging Pina’s mother out of her house, one on each arm. Her knees scrape along the ground. Behind me, I can hear Pina getting up. If they decide to rip her mama’s clothes and hurt her, I don’t want Pina to see. Pina lets out a little cry, but I hold her back and put a hand over her mouth. I remember from last night. The women they attacked first were those who screamed the most. They like the screaming.
The two soldiers throw Pina’s mama to the ground in front of the Captain. She’s sobbing.
‘This woman,’ the Captain yells – he’s making sure the people hiding in their houses can hear – ‘defames us! She spreads wicked rumours and lies about us. She says that we are bad people.’ I feel Pina sob. He pokes at her mama’s face with his boot. ‘Do you not understand? Are you so stupid?’ he yells. ‘We are freedom fighters! We are overthrowing the corrupt and oppressive government so that you can have freedom! Is that what bad men do? No!’
A soldier hands the Captain a megaphone and he walks slowly down the street. ‘Bad men,’ he continues, ‘lie to you. Don’t you understand what has happened here? The government told you lies, they brainwashed your husbands and fathers. That’s what they do. They steal your minds from you! It was those men we killed last night. We have come like gardeners to pull out the weeds that are choking you!
‘This is why we take your sons. We are taking them some place safe. Away from the government, which will only corrupt their minds with propaganda. Brainwash them! Turn them all into agents of oppression! Your sons will be our soldiers. Will they not protect you? Will they not fight for you? We are your army!’
He turns back and walks towards Pina’s mama. ‘This woman is not one of you. She too has been brainwashed. She too is an agent of oppression. Now, I understand we are called “rebels”. We do not look as powerful as the government, I know. Many of you fear the government, and fear what they would do if you joined us. So we will show you that we are strong and that you do not have to fear your oppressors!’
He spins around and kicks Pina’s mama in the stomach. She curls up into a ball.
‘See? Where is the government to help this woman? Your oppressors do not even help their own agents! Attack one of our soldiers and you will see just how different we are!’
The Captain puts down the megaphone and looks around him, waiting to see if anyone comes out. No doors open, no windows either. The Captain adjusts his beret and nods to his men. Both slide their gun off their shoulder. Using the wooden ends of their guns, they beat Pina’s mama.
Pina’s scream is warm against my hand. I have to hold her with both my arms to keep her from running to her mama. I turn Pina’s face away so she can’t see and then I close my own eyes really tight but I can still hear. Every time they hit her, the cries are a little weaker. Between hits, she sobs. I wonder whether they will beat her to death.
‘The government does not help her!’
The hits are thuds on her skin and I think I hear a break.
‘God does not help her!’
How can I convince Pina this is not her fault?
‘Because God is with the revolution!’
The thuds stop and I open my eyes. Pina’s mama lies in the street, bleeding. Maybe she’s sleeping. Looming over her, the Captain gives her a little kick. He rolls her over with his foot. I see her cough. Pina stops screaming. She collapses, and I have to sit down to keep my hold on her.
‘We did not come to kill you,’ the Captain says quietly. Everything else is so silent. ‘We came for some goats.’ Then he looks up at his soldiers. ‘Who will get us some goats?’
I get up, still holding Pina’s arm. ‘We will!’ I say, loud. I pull Pina up, whispering to her, ‘Your mama’s okay. They won’t hurt her any more if we get them the goats.’
‘Yeah,’ says a soldier nearby. ‘Bring us good ones and maybe we’ll let you have some for dinner.’
I know they won’t, but it doesn’t matter, we’re going. Pina’s eyes are locked on her mama as we go. We have to keep moving. They like hitting people. For a moment, Pina doesn’t walk and I kind of drag her.
The goats are in a little pen that’s made from whatever was lying around, to stop them getting mixed up with the cows and starting fights or getting hurt. It’s easier to pen up the goats than the cows. Once we’re in the yard, Pina lets go of my hand and runs to the pen. She starts pulling on the first goat to get it out, then another. She grabs her stick, which is leaning against the pen, and hits the goats, all that she can reach.
‘What are you doing?’
‘I’ll give them all the goats,’ Pina says. ‘And then they’ll go away forever.’
‘No!’ I’m trying to push the goats back towards the pen. ‘You need the goats. So does your mama.’
Pina’s stick hangs down and she stomps her feet, crying. I push the goats back towards the pen. ‘Here, give them two just okay ones. All right?’
She doesn’t say anything, but she doesn’t stomp. She just looks at me.
‘I don’t think they know anything about animals anyway.’ I smile because it’s the only thing I can think to do right now. ‘Come on, find the best ones and hide them.’
Pina stands there, but she’s looking at the goats now. I grab her stick and gently pull it from her. She lets go. With the stick I prod the goats back into the pen. Pina watches, like she’s forgotten how to move. Her lip trembles a little.
‘Pina, which are the best goats?’ I have to get my face really close to hers because she’s acting like she can’t hear or see. ‘Which are the best?’
Pina sticks out a limp hand and taps one goat. It’s fat and tall. Then she looks around and rubs another one’s head. ‘This one too.’ She likes that goat, I remember, but she changes its name every week.
I take the first goat and push it to the back of the pen and then I grab another that’s pretty fat and push it forward. Pina grabs that goat and leads it into the yard. I look around and there’s another okay one near the front, so I pull that one out. It’s hard because this one has its rear to the gate, but it walks backwards okay. We get them both into the yard and I close the gate again.
Past the pen, I can see open land. Thick bushes all around and a stream. Lots of tall trees. Pina was right. I could run and they wouldn’t find me. The soldier said you can’t outrun bullets, but no one would shoot at me if they couldn’t see me. They won’t see me run. I would disappear out there and wait until they had gone.
I know the light-brown sand. I know which bushes are good to eat. I know how to sleep in the trees so you don’t fall out at night. I could run and never be found. And Pina would bring me food. They would go and I could return to Mama. And Akot could say he hated me and then they wouldn’t hurt him. They’d never find me.
‘Where are those goats?’ a rebel calls out.
They don’t want me. They just want someone to hurt. If I leave, they’ll just hurt someone else. Maybe Pina. But I won’t let them hurt Pina.
‘Coming!’ I yell. I lift the stick and whack the goats so they trot out into the street. ‘I wanted to pick good and tasty ones,’ I say a
s I come out. Pina stands behind me. The rebels like the goats and they lick their lips like hungry lions. They laugh at me.
The soldiers take the goats and they get their ropes out again. Everyone in the truck has to get out so that they can tie the goats up inside. Pina pulls on my elbow. Her mama is getting up on her hands and knees. The soldiers are still standing over her, so she goes slowly, like she’s asking permission for each movement. They smile at her the whole time.
‘I hate the rebels,’ Pina whispers. She is quiet for a minute. ‘But you do have to go with them.’
‘I know. It’s okay.’ Then I lean in and whisper, ‘They’re all my goats.’ I smile.
Pina looks at me very seriously. ‘Don’t die,’ she says and I almost laugh.
I really think everything is going to be okay.
‘Let’s go, lovebird!’ the soldiers yell.
‘Look, I’ve got some replacements,’ shouts another rebel. A couple of soldiers are bringing five more boys towards the truck, pushing them forward with their guns. The Captain smiles. I hadn’t noticed the crying and shouting in the background.
Soldiers shout at the boys to stop. The Captain walks slowly around them, looking them up and down as if he is in the market.
‘They were hiding under beds like rats,’ the soldier says.
One of the boys is scared stiff. His face is a mask of fright, snot rolls from his nose. He tries to look down but the Captain sticks the barrel of his pistol under his chin and jerks it up.
The boy’s eyes go wide.
My heart leaps. I wonder whether the Captain will shoot him.
‘Look!’ the soldier shouts, and points to the puddle between the boy’s feet. Soldiers laugh.
