“It’s not like waiting is going to change anything.”
“You never know.”
She went silent then, turning to stare out the window at the passing night. Whatever Karin needed to bring her good spirits back, Jed would provide it. He’d sit and listen, he’d bake cookies, he’d sing her cowboy songs. Anything. If she needed it, he’d do it.
He pulled into the parking lot behind the bar, thankful that Marge would still be down in the bar for another several hours. If Karin wanted to talk, she could. Or she could cry some more, or they could watch TV and pretend that nothing had happened.
“I vote we go upstairs, kick off our shoes and take a few deep breaths. And then, if you want to talk, I’m here.”
She nodded slowly, so he got out and went around to open the passenger-side door. She was frowning at him when he got there.
“I should have been driving,” she said. “I forgot all about your leg.”
“My leg is fine,” he said as he took her arm. “I only let you drive earlier because I was being nice.”
That won him a slight smile though it had faded away by the time they got into the kitchen. He’d make sure the next one lasted longer.
“Why don’t you go set yourself down, darlin’?” He tossed his hat onto the kitchen table. “I’ll pour us something cool and satisfying.”
Once Karin went into the living room, he poured them each a glass of lemonade and joined her. She was sitting on the sofa, her mother’s cat curled up next to her. If it weren’t for the shadows in her eyes, she would have looked relaxed and content.
“I took your advice about my shoes,” she said, wiggling her toes.
“Good.” He handed her a glass and then flopped down on the sofa, kicking off his boots once he sat down. “That feels good.”
She took a sip of lemonade and then looked away from him. “I really am sorry about tonight.”
He sighed and leaned back on the sofa. “If you don’t quit saying you’re sorry, you’re going to be in deep trouble.”
She turned back toward him. “Oh, that sounds scary.”
Jed looked into her big blue eyes. Not too many minutes ago they were wide and fearful-looking, like those of a mare trapped in a barbed wire fence. Now they were more steady, but there was an underlying ripple or two that said she was not really over whatever was troubling her.
“You better believe it’s scary,” he said, putting a hand on her shin. “Something really bad can happen if you say you’re sorry one more time.”
“Like what?”
She didn’t exactly have a smile on her lips, but there was a little more lightness in her voice. His own spirits rose. “Oh, I might do something really drastic.” He looked down at the beautiful leg that his hand was rubbing. “Like maybe tickle your feet.”
“I wouldn’t advise that.”
“Why not?”
“Because then I’d have to kill you. Slowly and painfully.”
“Hmm,” he said, running his hand up and down her leg.
“I’d do the slow part, you’d get the pain.”
“Double hmm.” He pulled her feet onto his lap. “Your words certainly give a man reason to ponder.”
“I hope that means you’re not going to do something dumb.”
Her tone was weary but she left her feet where they were. He felt her tense up a tad.
“All I can promise is I’ll seriously ponder things,” he said, setting his hands to rubbing her legs, starting from her calves and working down to her ankles. “Anything else we have to leave to chance.”
“I hope you realize that if Chance does something I don’t like, you’re the one whose health is going to suffer.”
Jed could feel the stiffness melt out of her leg muscles and could see gentle clouds roll into the deep blue sky of her eyes. “My daddy told me that life was hazardous to a man’s health.”
Karin looked at him but then shut her eyes as she lay back. It was several moments before she spoke again. “I really think you should stop that.”
“Why?”
“Because it feels good. Too good.”
Jed let his hands go down to her feet, gently massaging first one and then the other. He could almost see her tension spilling out on the floor. “Mamas tend to get achy feet,” he said. “Carrying a new baby puts a bigger load than normal on them.”
“Aren’t you going to stop?” she asked.
“Only if you really want me to.”
“I told you it feels too good,” she said, her words breathy.
“What’s wrong with that?” he asked.
Her eyes slowly opened. “It’s just a short hop from feeling good to hurting,” she replied.
Jed was silent a long moment but he continued his foot massage. “You sound like you’ve taken that trip before.”
“Hasn’t everybody?”
He guessed she was right, but there was just so much acceptance and resignation in her voice that he wanted to argue the point. Instead, he leaned over and kissed her mounded tummy.
“That’s the first time my baby’s been kissed.”
“Is that so? Then we better make sure it’s not the last.” He bent forward to kiss her stomach again. When he looked up, tears were streaming down her face. He must have screwed up again. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to show the kid that it was coming into a world of love.”
Suddenly her tears weren’t silent. He pulled her into his arms. “What’s the matter?” He gently kissed the top of her head. “What did I do now?”
“You didn’t do anything,” she said. “At least not anything bad.”
“But you’re upset.”
“I’m upset because—” she couldn’t seem to get the words out “—because I don’t know if my baby is coming into a world of love. I don’t know that I’ll be able to give it the love it needs.”
“That’s ridiculous.” He took his handkerchief out of his pocket and, lifting her head, gently dabbed at the tears. “Now, I know it’s a little hard for you to kiss the tyke right now, but in your heart—”
“That’s the whole problem,” she snapped halfheartedly at him. “I told you before, I don’t have a heart.”
Jed shook his head. “Karin, darlin’, everybody’s scared before they have a baby, but it always works out just fine. Once you see that little tyke, you’re gonna be filled with love for it.”
Karin pulled away from him. “You don’t understand. I’ve never been filled with love for anything.”
He found himself frowning at her. “Oh, come on. You love your mother. It’s obvious.”
“That’s different.” She got to her feet. “Besides, is it love or just respect? I care for her certainly, but I’m not sure it’s really love.”
“Maybe you have to stop analyzing and let yourself feel,” he said.
“That’s just it,” she cried. “I don’t feel. What kind of a mother can I be if I don’t feel anything?”
Karin was sorry she’d said the words as soon as they left her mouth. She was sure Jed would pull away and she’d see dislike and disgust in his eyes. But she didn’t. There was only softness and sadness there, and a gentleness in his touch.
“If you don’t feel anything, why are you so upset?” he asked.
“Because I’m scared,” she said. How could he not understand?
“But isn’t that feeling something? And if you didn’t want the best for your baby, would you be scared?”
His words almost made sense, but she was too far down this road to be detoured. She walked over to the window and pulled the drape aside to look down at the street below. Soft circles of light broke free of the darkness and she could see a couple walking slowly along the street, hand in hand. But that would never be her. She was lost in the shadows.
Jed pulled the drape from her hand and let it fall back across the window. She looked at him, then turned slowly so that she was facing him. He was so kind, so understanding. She didn’t feel cold and unloving with him. She didn’
t feel as though a wall had been built around her, keeping her from feeling anything.
She reached out and lightly touched the top button of his shirt. She couldn’t quite meet his eyes. “When I was younger, I was proud that I didn’t feel things,” she told him, her voice low and unsteady. “But it doesn’t feel so great now. It feels lonely.”
His hand brushed her cheek with such softness it might have been a dream, but then he lifted her chin slightly so that her eyes met his. “It doesn’t have to be,” he said. “You just have to reach out and let someone hold you. Let someone be close to you.”
She had tried that before with Rico and it hadn’t worked. But it had been different. She had wanted to be in love with him, not just love him for a night. She had been looking for something mighty and lasting, something to write songs about, not just to be held when she was hurting. Would it be so bad to let Jed hold her? She didn’t want anything else.
Rather than answer him, she leaned in close and let her lips touch his. She was whispering a question, asking for comfort, wondering if she could be held. Her mouth moved softly against his, her hurt fading slightly as other feelings grew. Ever so slowly, she slid her arms around his neck, only to discover she was in his arms also.
The kiss changed as their arms tightened around each other. Her touch stopped being tentative, a plea for the easing of her aches, and became seeking and driving. The hurt and loneliness were disappearing as this tightness, this hunger swept over her. She let her fingers run through his hair, let them roam over his back, let them feel the rock-hard muscles that allowed him to hold her so wonderfully tight.
He pulled his lips from hers and loosened his hold a bit as if gathering his wits. Or gathering some air. He took a deep breath, his eyes seeming to devour her. She could still feel the pressure of his lips on hers though the actual touch was gone.
“Maybe we’d better stop while we can,” he said, his voice hoarse and low.
But the moments in his arms had been too wonderful. There had been no pain, no self-doubts, no fears. She didn’t want to go back to her worries, not yet. She liked who she was in his embrace.
“Why?” she asked.
Her hold on him had loosened, too, but she slipped one hand down to lightly brush his cheek. She could feel a tremble rush through him and a shiver of answering desire washed over her.
“It’s only for now,” she said. “Only for tonight.”
“You’ve been hurt enough,” he said.
“So heal me,” she whispered and closed in on his mouth again.
This time the kiss was wild and rough. A run through the storm, a daring of the winds to throw them down. It was lightning and thunder all crashing together and shaking the heavens. It was hot and heavy and hard. Two hungry souls in search of peace.
“This is crazy,” Jed said, pulling back once more.
“Yes.” But she couldn’t pull back. She didn’t want to.
“We shouldn’t go any further.”
“Why not?”
She leaned into him, lying against his chest. Beneath her cheek she could hear, feel, his heart racing and she closed her eyes.
“There is some magic in being held,” she whispered. “It seems to chip away at my fears and makes me believe I can be strong.”
“You’re making this very hard for me,” he said softly.
“It doesn’t have to be.” Still lying against him, she let one hand work at the buttons on his shirt. One undone, then another, then another. “I don’t want to wake in the middle of the night and only remember my fears.”
She slipped her hand into his shirt and felt the hair on his chest. She slid her hand over it, and ran her fingers through it. He quivered beneath her touch and his hold on her tightened, but she could feel his iron control. She stopped and pulled completely away.
“Because I’m pregnant, right?” What a fool she’d been to think he would find her desirable just because she needed to feel she was.
“Good Lord, no,” he said and pulled her right back into his arms. “You are so damn beautiful it hurts to look at you, but you are also so damn vulnerable now. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I just want to be held,” she said. “Is that so much to ask?”
“Too much. Way too much. I can’t just hold you and not make love to you. I can’t breathe in your softness and feel your tenderness and not want to make you mine.” He put his hand on her belly and rubbed it ever so gently. “You have to be very sure before you push me any further.”
She put her hand over his. “I am. Make me feel beautiful.”
With a groan, he let go of her only to sweep her up in his arms. His lips pressed against her as he carried her into the bedroom, kicking the door closed behind him. She kissed him back with a hunger that was growing and surging, her arms tightening around him.
Then suddenly she was lying on her bed and he was there next to her. With slow precision, he unbuttoned her blouse and pushed it off her shoulders. His mouth rained kisses on her shoulders as his hands undid her bra and loosened it from her heavy breasts. Then his mouth played with them, each in turn, sending shivers of wild desire all through her.
She’d never been loved like this, made to feel so desirable and wanted. Her whole body trembled under his touch, his hands and his lips wove such a spell over her that she felt she would never be the same. He was bringing her body alive.
Reaching down, she unbuttoned the rest of his shirt and pulled it off him. His shoulders felt so massive beneath her hands, so hard and strong and so able to protect. She slid her hands under his arms and around to his back.
He was made of iron, but her hands ran over the knots and lines of a scar and stopped. There was another on his arm, she realized, and she leaned closer to brush it with her lips.
“Poor Jed,” she breathed. “You’re all beat up.”
“Not nearly, lovely lady, not nearly.”
There was something in his voice that reached into the core of her being, something that shook her and made her needs all the greater. Something that made her feel dainty and beautiful and all the more desired.
She sat up, missing his touch for the brief moment, and pulled off her slacks and panty hose. Even as she sat on the edge of the bed, his hands were reaching for her, his lips were blazing little paths along her heated skin. She lay back down at his side.
“I think you’re overdressed, sir,” she told him with a smile, touching his lips with one finger.
He grabbed up the hand to kiss it, then kiss each fingertip, sucking on it before letting her go. “I was just thinking of shucking off these jeans, ma’am.” His drawl was slow, just like the movement of his hands.
But he seemed more interested in lingering in his caresses than in taking off his jeans. His hands roamed over her, sliding with tantalizing hesitation over every spot that was sensitive to his touch. Which seemed to be just about everywhere. Her body felt as if it was on fire, as if it was tied up in knots and about to burst free.
“Will you take off those jeans?” she whispered, trying to work around to get them off herself, but he kept moving just out of her reach.
“In a minute,” he said.
But then his hands found a new spot to caress, to tease, to torment, and she forgot about everything else. They moved over her belly and across her thighs, and then lower and closer and over the center of her heat. She gasped at the sensation and almost pulled away, the pleasure was so intense, but he wouldn’t let her. There was nowhere to go, and no place she wanted to go, but closer to him.
Her body trembled with unspoken needs, and she clung to him, but he slipped suddenly from her grasp and pulled off his jeans and shorts. Then he lay at her side, pulling her onto him.
“I don’t want to put pressure on the baby,” he whispered.
His hands moved over and over her, all the while guiding her to come down on top of him. She felt exposed this way, and for a split second embarrassed, but the hard wonder of him inside her was too magical.
It sent sparks all through her body and she could do nothing but move in a rhythm of pleasure and desire.
She braced herself against him, digging her hands into the hair on his chest as wave after wave of ecstasy washed over her. Her hands opened and closed, driven by hunger and fulfillment, even as his hands caressed and stroked and drove her hungers hotter and wilder.
Then there was a magical moment when all the fires raged up together, when the hunger exploded into a cascade of shooting stars and they were one. She clung and held and tried to press even closer together as his body merged with hers. Time stood still.
After another moment, breaths returned and the fires slowed. Still entwined, they rolled onto their sides. Arms, legs, souls, still wrapped around the other. She lay against his chest, he pressed gentle kisses into her hair.
“That was some bronco I just rode, cowboy,” she whispered.
“Give him a little time and you might find he’s got some fire left.”
She just smiled and snuggled deeper into his arms. Her eyes closed and she knew her dreams would be sweet tonight.
Karin came out of the bedroom, hesitantly. Shyly. Jed had to turn away, pretending to concentrate on the frying pan before him. Just the sight of her brought pain to his heart. He was glad, though, that Lissa and Marge had already left, so he and Karin were alone.
“How about an omelet, darlin’?”
“Sure,” Karin said, her voice soft. “Sounds great.”
Jed swallowed hard. Last night had been a horrible mistake. He’d taken advantage of her vulnerability and now he had to pay the piper.
“Best wait until you taste it,” he murmured.
“Somehow I can’t see anything you do coming out poorly.”
How about his decision making? The heat climbed up his neck like mercury in the thermometer at hell’s gate. He moved quickly toward the refrigerator and opened the door. “Onions and green peppers okay?”
“Sure. I trust you.”
The heat in his neck climbed higher and got so hot that he could smell burning hair. Jed took the eggs, green pepper, a sweet onion and a chunk of cheddar cheese out of the refrigerator and dumped them on the counter. After pulling out a knife from the drawer, he began to vigorously cut up the pepper. If only he could chop his transgression into such bite-size pieces, then maybe he could figure out what to do about the mess—
Pregnant & Practically Married (The Bridal Circle #3) Page 14
