“So, neonatal was a hard no, then?”
He shudders. “Definitely not. Can you imagine how many shitty diapers you’d have to change?”
“Or you could go the other way and go into geriatrics and probably change the same number,” I joke.
He shakes his head and frowns at me.
“You say the most offensive things, sometimes,” he comments.
“Oh, like you can talk,” I retort, to which he laughs.
The contractions have eased off, which I know can happen, so I decide to stay the night, just in case I’m needed. That and it’s nearing close to midnight anyway.
“I can stay too,” Luke offers.
“You might as well go home and get a decent sleep,” I say. “I’ll just be sleeping on the couch.”
“If you’re sure,” he says. I nod. “Then I’ll sleep with my phone on. That way, if you need my help, you can call.”
I nod and walk him outside. I wrap my arms around his waist, smiling as he cups my chin in his strong hands, lifting it up to his mouth.
“See you soon,” he murmurs, his lips grazing over mine. I shiver, amazed that his kiss still delivers that same tingle I felt when we first kissed.
“Bye,” I say. The words catch in my throat. He waves at me and disappears over to his car.
I walk back in and settle down on the couch, but I know getting myself to sleep is going to be hopeless. All I can think about is Luke. Becca was right. I am falling hard for him. And fast. I should’ve had the conversation with him a long time ago, and now I’ve backed myself into a corner that I’m not sure I can get out of.
What if he ends up hating me? I question myself.
He might not at first, but the last thing I want is to be the reason he can’t be a father. He might say he’s fine with it, but then end up resenting me in ten years. It would’ve been so much easier to walk away before all these feelings began to develop.
I’m so damn selfish.
I only considered my own feelings in all of this when I should have been thinking of his.
I guess at some point I fell asleep because I’m woken up by Matt furiously shaking my arm, screaming in my ear over and over again, “She’s having the baby, she’s having the baby.” I sit up, taking a second to compose myself before I spring into action. I’m already dressed, so that’s a bonus.
“Have you called an ambulance?” I ask him, remaining as calm as I can. I’m not convinced the baby will wait long enough for us to drive to the hospital.
He nods, shifting on his feet impatiently. Anyone would think that he’s the one who’s going to be popping out a baby. I walk into the bedroom. Annie tries to smile at me. She winces in pain as I crouch down beside her.
“How are you doing?” I ask her. She shrugs, trying to smile. “Can you lift your legs up and tuck them close to you? I’m just going to have a bit of a look and see how dilated you are.”
Her eyes widen. “You think you’re sticking your hand where?” she yelps. “I’m sorry, but isn’t that kind of overstepping the boundaries of family?”
“I’m a doctor.”
I hide my smile. Maybe if I tell her my story, this won’t seem as bad. She takes a deep breath and lifts her legs up, squeezing her eyes closed. She places her tightly clenched fists against her stomach.
“You need to relax,” I say to her.
“Yeah? How many times have you had someone feeling around your cervix?” she mutters.
You’d be surprised, I answer her in my head.
“I can’t check if you don’t relax,” I say. “Just breathe in and out. Let yourself relax as much as you can,” I soothe her. She finally relaxes long enough for me to feel that she’s five centimeters dilated.
“How’s that?” she asks, puffing out the breath she’s holding onto.
“Good. Okay, we need to get you to the hospital soon.” I turn to Matt. “The contractions are only a few minutes apart. I’m worried the ambulance won’t get here in time,” I say, low enough for only him to hear.
“Okay, so what do you suggest?” he asks, frowning at me.
“Can you drive us to the hospital?”
“I can if you stop talking to me like I’m five,” Matt whines.
I laugh. “I’m sorry; I’m just trying to keep you as calm as possible.”
He sighs and runs his hand through his hair. “No, I’m the one who should be sorry. I do appreciate you being here,” he mutters. “Yeah, I’m okay to drive. If you weren’t here, I’d be freaking the fuck out, but right now I’m okay.”
“Good. Let’s get Annie ready to go,” I instruct him.
We help Annie down to the car and carefully lie her down in the back. My plan was to sit next to her, but she’s taking up the whole seat. Instead, I sit in the front with Matt. I turn around and face her the whole time, holding her hand and trying to keep her mind off the fact that this baby could pop out at any moment. I’m half expecting to be pulling over on the side of the freeway to have this baby at some point soon, but somehow, we manage to make it to the hospital.
Matt races inside to get an orderly, returning a few minutes later with one in tow. I stand back, my heart pumping as he helps her onto it. It feels weird to take a step back and let him do his job when I’m so used to getting in there and helping.
I follow them inside, but hang back in the waiting room, because this is their moment and I want them to enjoy it without feeling bad for me. I sit down, glancing around anxiously because now I’ve got nothing but time on my hands to think. I text Mom and Luke to let them both know what’s going on, then I try to relax.
After fifteen minutes of waiting, I stand up. If anything, my anxieties have worsened, so when I look up and see Luke walking through the door, I’m relieved for all of two seconds—until I remember that we haven’t had the conversation yet. I don’t particularly want to have it now with screaming babies in the background either, but I’m not convinced that I’m not going to randomly burst into tears at some point soon.
“Hey,” he says. He smiles at me and wraps his arms around me, kissing me on the forehead. “Any news?”
“Not yet. Matt was freaking out pretty hard,” I say, chuckling. “I’d hate to see how this would have gone down if I wasn’t there.”
“I’d put my money on badly.”
We wait in silence, neither of us saying much, which, given that it’s four in the morning, isn’t surprising. I’m too scared to say anything because I’m feeling pretty emotional all of a sudden. I’m not sure if it’s the lack of sleep or because I know I still need to tell Luke. I just prefer for it not to be while my sister-in-law is having a baby. I close my eyes and rest my head on his shoulder. He wraps his arm around me and kisses me.
“Are you okay?” Luke asks as I try and block out the cries of tiny infants. “Sounds like someone’s not happy,” he jokes. “There’s always one. I bet if we walked around there and peered into that nursery today and next week, it would be that same kid screaming out. It’s like puppies. There’s always one, sitting at the bars chewing on it and screaming to get out.”
I stare at him in mock horror.
“Did you just compare my new niece or nephew to a screaming puppy?”
“No,” he says defensively. “I compared someone else’s child to a screaming puppy. So, are you excited?” he adds after a moment.
“I am.”
And that’s the truth. I’m really excited about meeting my little niece or nephew and holding that tiny bundle in my arms. Who am I kidding? I’m fucking terrified. I’m not sure what kind of emotions that’s going to bring out. That’s what scares me more than anything else because it’s a situation I can’t control.
And we all know how much I like control.
Matt bursts through the doors. We’re the only ones in the waiting room, which is a good thing, because he can’t contain his excitement. He races over to me, a dazed expression on his face as he throws his arms around me.
“We’ve got
a daughter,” he chokes out. He shakes his head, tears rolling down his cheeks. “Holy shit. I’ve got a daughter. I’m a fucking dad.”
Mom races in, looking out of breath and wide-eyed.
“Has it happened?” she asks while trying to catch her breath. Matt nods and falls into Mom’s arms, sobbing like a baby.
“I’ve got a daughter. You’re a grandma, Mom.”
Mom cries and hugs Matt. They dance around the room together, laughing and crying, while I stand back a little, feeling lost. The last thing I want to do is make this special moment about my problems. Matt glances over at me. He looks like he’s about to say something, so I shake my head and mouth to him that I’m okay. He nods and glances at Luke.
He’s probably wondering if I’ve told him.
“Want to meet her?” Matt asks.
“Hell yes,” Mom and I say at the same time.
We walk into Annie’s private room. She looks exhausted as she clutches the tiny bundle against her chest. I get close enough to the bed to peer down at that tiny little face, and I nearly lose my shit. She’s so cute, wrinkles and all. That little squished up face is the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen. I wipe away tears. I’m emotional, but they’re not sad tears. They’re happy because this is one of the most incredible moments of my life. I’m not sure anything can top this.
“Do you want to hold her?” Annie asks
“I’d love to.”
I ignore the concerned look on Mom’s face as I ease the baby into my arms. She cries for about a second and then nestles against me. When she reaches out and clutches onto my finger, my heart breaks for everything I can never have. How can I feel so sad and so happy at the same time? It’s like my emotions are fighting it out inside me, and I’m not sure who’s going to win.
“Such a little sweetheart,” I say, unable to draw my eyes away from her.
I’m exhausted, tired, emotional, and a complete mess, but I cradle her for a little while longer before I pass her over to Luke. Watching him hold her breaks my heart all over again. The look in his eyes and the way he’s gazing at her is almost too much for me to take. There’s no way this is going to end well for me. He’s made to be a father. I look away, blinking back tears, I walk over and give Matt a hug and kiss him on the cheek.
“Congratulations,” I whisper. “She’s perfect.” I glance from him to Annie. “Do you guys have a name?”
Annie looks at Matt and smiles.
“Elina.”
“I think that suits her perfectly,” I say with a smile.
“Go home,” Matt says kissing me on the forehead. “Get some sleep. God knows you deserve it.”
I don’t argue with him because I am pretty wrecked.
“Okay. I’ll come in tomorrow after work,” I say.
I walk over and give Mom a kiss, while Luke reluctantly hands Elina back to Annie. Mom lifts my face up, so she can study me. I hate it when she does that because she sees right through my façade.
“Are you okay?” she asks gently.
I smile at her, trying to keep the sadness out of my voice.
“Not really, but I will be.”
Chapter Eleven
Luke
For the next few days, things are strained. I can’t quite describe the feeling in the air at the moment, other than to say it’s flat. Laura has taken on some extra shifts, and when she’s not working, she’s over helping Matt and Annie. With my own long hours and trying to get things ready for my new place, I haven’t really seen much of her at all. I know it’s only going to get harder to find the time to spend with each other when we’re not living under the same roof.
Neither of us has bought up the fact that I’m moving out soon. Part of me thinks that we should be discussing it, because I could be very easily convinced to stay here. Sure, this relationship has moved fast, but neither of us can deny that we’re serious about each other.
Well, I can’t, at least.
Maybe what I need to do is show her how much she means to me.
If I do something romantic and spontaneous to assure her that things aren’t going to change when I move out, it might help both of us feel more secure. I check her roster. She finishes work at six. I ask Lewin if I can finish at five, blaming a family emergency.
“I’ll start earlier tomorrow to make up for it,” I say.
The longer he frowns at me, the more I regret asking, until he nods.
“Okay, sure.”
Relieved, I sigh and glance at my watch. It’s four thirty now, so only half an hour to go. I check my list and see our next patient to review is Ben. I’ve been spending a lot of my spare time in with him, just trying to lift his mood and take his mind off how sick he is. I have spent more time playing video games in the last week, than I did my entire childhood.
We walk into his room and my heart pounds. His condition has clearly deteriorated because the usual happy, cheeky boy can barely even look at us today. He manages a weak smile for us, but his eyes are drawn, and his skin is so pale that he’s almost white. I glance at Lewin as he picks up his folder and studies his latest test results.
“Ben. How are you feeling?” Lewin asks. He leans over and messes his hair.
“Tired,” he admits.
“You look it. We’re going to run a few more tests, okay? No more playing Xbox or anything like that, you hear me? You just relax and take it easy for a few days.”
“Did he tell you to say that?” he asks, nodding at me. “I think he’s scared I’m gonna beat his score again.” His eyes are half closed, but he has the tiniest smirk on his cracked lips
Lewin laughs and raises his eyebrows at me. I shrug, not sure why I feel embarrassed.
“Yes, you guessed it.” He nods at Ben’s mom, Marissa, to speak with us outside. She gets up and kisses Ben, and then follows us out of the room.
“It’s not good news, is it?” she asks. She wraps her arms around herself and studies Lewin. He shakes his head.
“I’m not going to lie to you, Marissa. Things have gotten dramatically worse. We probably have forty-eight, maybe seventy-two hours to find Ben a new heart.”
“And if we don’t?” She whispers the words.
“Then we’ll need to look at hooking him up to a mechanical heart, just to give his body a rest.”
“Oh God,” she whispers. She clasps her hand over her mouth, tears filling her eyes. “Please help him. He’s such a special little boy. Please fix my baby.”
“We’ll do everything we can,” Lewin promises her. “You just look after him and let us do our job, okay?” She nods and thanks us, then slips back into the room.
I follow Lewin down the corridor in silence, my stomach twisting into knots.
“Seventy-two hours?” I frown at him. “And how long will he last on a mechanical heart?”
Lewin shrugs. “A few weeks? A few months? It depends on a number of things.”
“So, what do we do about it, then?”
Lewin sighs and stops in the middle of the corridor. He turns to me and shrugs.
“We’re already doing everything, Luke. I can’t magic up a heart for this boy. The fact is, without a hell of a lot of luck—and shit luck for someone else’s kid—he probably won’t see the end of the month.”
I clench my hands into fists as my body tenses. This is affecting me a lot more than it really should. I’m his doctor, not his friend. I look at someone like Lewin, who coasts in and out of here every day, like nothing bothers him. If I get this invested in every patient, I’ll burn myself out.
Maybe I should be reconsidering my whole career path.
“Maybe I’m not cut out for this,” I mutter.
“Because you’ve formed a friendship with a sick kid?” he asks. “You think that makes you a bad doctor?”
“Yes. I can’t detach myself from feeling sorry for that little boy. What if that clouds my judgment? And then I look at you, who can just stand there and tell me he’s probably going to die and not even flinch when you say
it.”
“You really believe that?” he asks. He shakes his head and laughs. “If you think I go through this without getting invested in my patients, then you’re wrong. Hell, some of them, like that little boy back there, I actually like. Of course, I feel sorry for him. Hell, if he died, I’d probably even shed a few tears.”
“Then how do you do it?” I press him. “You’ve been doing this for how long? How many kids have you lost? How do you put that aside and move onto the next one and pretend it doesn’t matter?”
“Because for every ten kids that I lose, I might actually be able to save one.” He stares at me, his eyes clouded with more emotion than I’ve ever seen from him. “That’s what keeps me going. That’s what makes me successful at what I do.” He shrugs. “It’s the only way you can look at it because the moment you start doubting yourself, you’re done.” He sighs and pats me on the back. “Go and fix your emergency, Luke. I’m going to organize some tests for Ben, and we’ll take it one day at a time. I’ll see you at eight a.m. tomorrow.”
“But I said I’d start—”
“At eight. Now get out of here, before I change my mind.” He pauses for a moment, before looking back at me. “You’re a good doctor, Luke. You’ve got the passion and the drive to really make a difference, but you need to get it out of your head that being a cold, ruthless asshole is the only way you’re going to be successful. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else, or you won’t be helping anyone.”
#
I think about what Lewin said the whole drive home. He’s right about me needing to get out of my own head, but that’s easier said than done. I rub the back of my neck and then rest my head back against the seat as I’m forced to stop for a red light. My plan of seducing Laura has taken a steep dive in motivation, because all I really want to do is go home and climb into bed
No. You’re not going to waste the one chance you’ve had to spend time with her all week because you’re feeling sorry for yourself, I chastise myself.
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