In all earnestness, there were a lot of things that scared me about that moment. His silence; the fact that the concern had disappeared, replaced by a poker face so good that even I couldn’t read anything in it; the way that he sat still as a statue, not a single muscle moving, like he wasn’t even breathing. But, the thing that scared me the most was that he’d made me ask him twice and still hadn’t given me a response. I hardly ever asked Jai for anything – something that constantly whined about, my self-dependency – so, when I did, he usually didn’t think twice; unless, of course, it involved lying to my parents, in which case it involved a lot of needling and arm-twisting but still.
‘Jai –‘ I began to speak again, only for him to cut me off.
‘Okay, I promise,’ he said, ‘I will do my level best not to freak.’
I let out a small sigh of relief and then gave him the summarised version of what I’d been told and what I’d found out from some Google searching while I’d been sitting at the hospital. ‘Dr. London thinks that it might be a heart disease. It’s some long-winded name that I couldn’t pronounce for the life of me but I did a little research and basically what it means is that the left ventricle of my heart is enlarged or something like that – I didn’t really understand it to be honest, I mean, me and bio, not a good combination. But uh, the gist of it seems to be that my heart can’t contract or fill with blood properly.’ The words spilt out in a nervous rush but, once they were out, I realised I had to sit in silence and wait anxiously for Jai to process.
He didn’t speak for a minute that stretched on for eternity, visibly chewing the inside of his cheek, clearly trying to stop himself from saying anything until he could make sure that he would stay calm. I sat completely still, trying to look anywhere but at my best friend, who was staring resolutely at the wall above my head.
The silence stretched on. And on… and on.
After about five minutes of sitting as still as possible – and watching Jai be stiller than a statue – I began to fidget, finding a loose thread in the sofa cushion, winding and unwinding it around my fingers until it snapped.
I began searching for another thread but, before I could find another one to pick at, Jai’s hand covered mine, halting it in its tracks. ‘Lia, I like my sofa cushions intact thanks,’ he joked. I pulled a face, sticking my tongue out at him, and he laughed a little. But the laughter quickly faded, not even a smile left on his face as he properly met my gaze for the first time in nearly ten minutes. ‘You uh, you said that Dr. London said it might be a heart disease, right? We don’t know anything for sure yet? It could be something different, yeah?’
‘It could be, yeah. We won’t know anything for sure until the test results come back in. Which should hopefully be Tuesday at the latest.’ He nodded slowly, turning his gaze back to the wall as he mulled things over.
We spent another small eternity in silence before he spoke again. ‘If he’s right, if you – if you do have a heart disease…’ he trailed off, taking a breath as he tried to compose himself, a steely resolve settling itself across his features when he continued. ‘What are they going to do? What’re the treatments?’ To his credit, his composure didn’t crack in the slightest as he waited for me to answer. His voice was steady, his posture calm, almost relaxed.
Almost.
If anyone else had been sat across from him, they probably wouldn’t have noticed the minute details that I did, the little indicators that he’d passed mildly concerned and was close to panic. But, as it was, I was the one sat across from him so I did notice. I noticed his hands clenching into fists, noticed the way his knuckles went white, the way he set his jaw and squared his shoulders.
Of course, knowing him the way I did, I knew what was going through his head, what had probably going through his head since the second I’d told him what the preliminary diagnosis was: heart disease usually eventually led to some kind of an operation and those operations didn’t always work – Jai knew that better than anyone, he had since we were eight years old.
Just after Jai’s eighth birthday, his mum had been diagnosed with a heart disease. Before long, she’d been told that she needed an operation. The cardiologists had been hopeful in the leadup to the operation and even when Anita aunty had gone into the OR.
She hadn’t made it back out of the operating theatre.
That day, Jai’s entire life had been turned on its head; his mum was gone in seconds, gone when the doctors said she was supposed to get better with the procedure and his dad… well, he hadn’t dealt with it in the best way – though really, nobody could blame him. After all, he’d just lost his wife, the person who had been by his side since forever, who’d taken care of him and Jai both, made sure they had everything in order.
Of course, it was easy to see it that way when I looked back on it ten years later; by that point, even Jai could see it that way.
But at the age of eight, having already lost one parent, it was understandably difficult to see his other parent – his only biological family – fall into a depression so deep and all-consuming that he completely ran on autopilot, doing things only because they were what he remembered doing, following his schedule to a tee.
At that point, Jai had practically moved in with us, my parents taking over on the school runs and clubs, saying they might as well, considering that the two of us went everywhere together anyway. Ryan uncle would come over just before dinner every night and he and Jai would eat with us, sticking around until just before bedtime.
For six years, Jai only went back to his own house to sleep and change his clothes – though, he didn’t always have to go home for that either; mum always seemed to have spare clothes on hand for both of us.
And then, just about four months before me and Jai would turn fifteen, his dad got into a car accident – a drunk driver making a turn that he shouldn’t have been taking, a head on collision that was no fault of his own and Jai’s only parent had been taken from him, just like that. Jai had had to actually move in with us for the two years after that, until he could legally come in to his inheritance at sixteen and move back in to the house down the road. For years, he hadn’t been able to even hear the words heart disease or operation even in a TV show or movie. Nor would he get behind the wheel of a car, preferring his bike, saying that it was much easier for him to control.
Seeing as how everything that had happened, every big change, could be directly related back to the first time he had ever sat in a cardiologist’s office, too young to even understand what the ‘grown-ups’ were talking about, I could understand why learning that someone else in his life might have to go and sit in that chair, hear that diagnosis, possibly even end up on the operating table, would throw him for a loop.
The only thing I wanted to be able to do right then was tell him it would be okay, that there would be some kind of treatment, that medicine had advanced a lot in the past decade, surely there was more that could be done now.
But I couldn’t.
Because I didn’t know that, not for sure. And I wouldn’t make him a promise I couldn’t keep, especially not on something like this.
So, instead of saying anything, I put a hand on his knee, knowing he would take more comfort from that than assurances that didn’t really mean anything. He looked at me and I gave him a small smile.
The silence that seemed to be our constant companion that night settled over us again, neither of us feeling the need to break it for the longest time. Until, finally, I said, ‘Jai, I can’t promise that I’ll be fine or that they won’t tell me the best bet is an operation.’
‘I know that and I wouldn’t – ‘ he began to say but I held up a finger to stop him.
‘Let me finish, would you?’ He grins sheepishly and nods, gesturing for me to continue. ‘I won’t give you any kind of false promises. But what I can promise is that I am never, ever, going to abandon you, not if I get a choice in the matter.’
‘Don’t promise me that Al, not when we both know that you
might not be able to keep it.’ I opened my mouth to say something but it was his turn to stop me this time. He shook his head and I closed my mouth immediately, waiting for him to continue. ‘I know that you won’t ever leave me if you have a choice, you don’t need to tell me that. But the truth is… the truth is that if something does happen to you, I don’t know what I’m going to do, Alu.’ I sighed, any and all words that I might have uttered catching in my throat, dying before they could leave my tongue as I realised that there were really no words that would be worth uttering.
So, I simply scooted closer to him, leaning my head on his shoulder. He relaxed into the back of the sofa, fidgeting around a bit so that we could both sit comfortably before wrapping his arm around me, resting his hand on my shoulder and playing with the ends of my hair. Usually, I would have an objection to even Jai doing that – my hair was not always the easiest to manage and running fingers through it generally tended to do nothing but make knots – but, this time, I let him do it, knowing that it had a calming effect on him, that it was his way of reassuring him that I was still there, that I hadn’t gone anywhere yet.
And, well, I’d never in a million years admit it but, really, the gesture was kinda helping me to relax.
I felt like we might just stay like that until we ended up falling asleep sat on the sofa but Jai soon spoke again. ‘Lia, I know that it’s all just speculation right now but I just… I’m scared Lia,’ he admitted.
‘Scared of what?’
‘Well, I’m- I’m an orphan. Both of my parents are gone, one of them to the same thing that might just take you from me. The thought of losing you as well, that’s the stuff of my worst nightmares. If I don’t have you, I’ve got no-one. I don’t know who I’d be Li. I mean, can you even remember there being a time before we did everything together?’ There was a lightness to his voice as he asks it and I can’t help but chuckle as I shake my head. But the little mirth that had found its way into the room quickly faded and we were back to that seemingly unescapable heaviness. ‘You’re my family. Without you, I’d be alone.’
‘You know that’s not true,’ I protested. ‘You may not be a Sharma by birth or blood but you sure as hell are part of the family. That is never going to change, no matter what happens. So, don’t you ever say that you don’t have a family.’
He let out a sigh that was far more forlorn than a sound coming from an seventeen-year-old had any right to be and shook his head. ‘Your parents have always been good to me Al, I’ll never deny that. They took me in, treated me like a son. And your siblings have never made me feel like anything other than their little brother. But that’s different. You’re different. You’re my best friend. And that… no matter how much family you have, it won’t ever make up for not having a best friend. Your best friend, they’re the person who’s always got your back, the person you can lean on, who’ll be your support, your encouragement, the hammer that knocks you down a few pegs when you get to be too full of yourself.’
I couldn’t say that I didn’t understand, of course I did. After all, it worked both ways. And, truthfully, I couldn’t imagine how I would survive if I didn’t have Jai by my side. My entire life, he’d been there; hardly a day had passed that I hadn’t seen him. Every important event, every big occasion, every milestone, we’d been there together. Even just thinking about a life without him was painful.
Which is why I didn’t know what to say to him than other than, ‘I know Jai-Jai, I know.’
Chapter Four
For the next four days, me and Jai avoided any and all talk of doctors and hospitals, even going so far as to avoid watching TV shows that might have brought the subject up. To be honest, it wasn’t all that difficult – although, I have to admit, it took a lot of self-control to stop myself from asking him if he wanted to watch the Casualty marathon on Sunday. Though, being fair, I’ve never really liked the show; I had just never been able to resist pushing Jai’s buttons, even in such serious situations – it was just kind of my default setting, something that was hard to shake. Hard, but not impossible.
Tuesday rolled around faster than I would have liked. Despite the dread that had filled me all day though, I was almost glad of it. At least once I had the results of the tests, I’d know for sure – and hopefully Jai would stop treating me like I was fragile.
I knew where he was coming from but that didn’t make it any less annoying. Especially when he acted like I couldn’t do the most basic of things.
By the time Jai dropped me home from school that afternoon, I was close to snapping at him. I’d been fine with him being a little over protective but his outright refusal to let me walk home had pushed it almost too far.
Of course, Jai dropping me home was nothing new; we always made our way home together, whether it be by foot, bike or car. What was new was the way he told me, no two ways about it, that he would be dropping me. He of all people should have known better than to try something like that with me but somehow, it seemed to have slipped his mind that I didn’t take well to being instructed in such a way – unless, of course, it was my mum.
Had he gone his usual route of telling me that I could walk if I really wanted to and driving his bike along slowly enough to give me company until I eventually caved and got on the back, I would have had no objections.
Though, I have to admit, that Jai wasn’t really aware that I did have objections. Because, of course, I neglected to tell him that in my desire to give him the cold shoulder.
My attempts to ignore him were successful the entire way home – which is more because neither of us would have been able to hear the other over the roar of the wind than because I was particularly skilled in the art of snubbing people. By the time we pulled up outside my house, the bad mood had almost completely evaporated. He let the bike idle as I got off, keeping it there as I rooted around in my backpack for my house keys. Once I’d found them, I turned to Jai, the last of my ire with him evaporating when I saw that goofy little side smile on his face. ‘I’ll call you later yeah? After I’ve picked Zia up.’
He nodded shortly, rolling the bike and revving a little. ‘Yeah. And let me know if you hear anything.’
‘You know I will. And you better stop worrying about it. It’ll be fine. Whatever happens, it’ll be fine,’ I told him, giving myself a mental pat on the back for keeping my voice so perfectly neutral. He just gave me another nod, this one a little less sure than the first. Realising that it was probably time for a subject change, I asked, ‘you’re coming for dinner tonight right?’
‘Is it a day of the week that ends with the letter y?’ he joked.
I rolled my eyes and shook my head, a little exasperated but mostly fond. ‘Alright you, you’d better get going now. We’ve got the first piece of chem coursework due in tomorrow and we both know you’ve not hardly even started it. And I am not going to be helping you scrape something together last second in form in the morning,’ I warned.
‘Yeah, yeah, whatever, I’m going,’ he muttered, revving the bike a couple times and giving me one of his I’m-so-cool smiles before taking off down the road. I let out a half laugh as I watched him disappear down the street before turning and heading inside.
I walked into the house, locking the door and then chucking my keys into the bowl on the little table by the door. Deciding I needed a cup of tea before attempting any of the work currently clogging up my bag, I headed into the kitchen, grabbing a mug and milk and putting the kettle to boil.
Once I’d made myself a – much needed – cup of tea, I headed over to my desk in the study, figuring I may as well finish up my own coursework. Only, before I’d even taken the question sheet out of my bag, my phone rang. Given that the caller ID said Private Number I figured it was the doctor’s office. ‘Hello,’ I answered, picking up my backpack and searching through it for the regulation yellow notebooks we were assigned for chem classes.
‘Hi, this is Nalini calling from Blidworth Surgery. I’m trying to get a hold of Miss Alia Sharma.�
��
‘This is she.’
‘Miss Sharma, Dr. London wants to speak with you; are you able to talk now? He says it’s a matter of urgency.’ I felt my insides twisting on hearing those words, sure that it couldn’t be good news if the doctor wanted to talk to me urgently.
‘I, yeah, that’s fine,’ I mumbled, abandoning the search for my notebook and letting my backpack drop back to the floor.
‘Thank you. Please hold for the doctor.’ I did as she asked and kept the phone pressed to my ear, listening to the dial tone and trying to calm my rapidly beating heart as I waited for the line to connect. As I waited, I tried my hardest to believe that everything was okay, that there was nothing wrong, that it was as simple as the results coming in negative and Dr. London wanting to tell me he was wrong.
But, of course, I couldn’t convince myself; logic indicated that the only reason for my GP coming on the line was to tell me that he had been right.
Finally, after a small eternity, the line connected. ‘Alia, Dr. London here. The results from your tests have come in, I’ve got them here in front of me now,’ he said before I had the chance to even get a word in.
‘Yeah, I uh, I figured that’s why you were calling.’ I paused a moment, waiting to see if he would say anything further but all I heard was a deep sigh. It was easy to imagine the expression on his face, the way he’d take his wire-rimmed glasses off his face and scrub a hand over it, pinching the bridge of his nose tiredly before replacing the glasses and turning to the screen again. The drawn-out sigh and prolonged silence were enough to confirm my fears. ‘It’s not good news is it, doc?’ I asked, already knowing the answer; I wouldn’t be on the phone with him now if it were, nor would he be so reluctant to speak.
‘I wish I could tell you otherwise but I’m afraid you’re correct. The results came back as I expected.’
I took the phone away from my ear, allowing myself a moment to process and let out a long, shaky breath before returning to the phone call. ‘Okay, so, I have a heart disease,’ I stated bluntly, my voice coming far more calmly than I was really expecting it to. ‘What happens now?’
Have a Heart Page 3
