I could feel bhaiya looking at me, his gaze heavy with a mix of curiosity and concern. ‘What’s got you so worked up Jai?’ he asked.
‘Who says I’m worked up?’ In answer, he simply pointed to the unopened can in front of me and tilted his head. I sighed, realising that the entire Sharma family knew me well enough to know that it wasn’t normal for me to sit with an unopened can of passionade in front of me. ‘Okay, yeah, maybe I am,’ I conceded with a sigh. ‘I guess I just – I’ve just realised that these aren’t just any old test results, you know? They’re A-levels, A2 at that. They’re the most important exams I’ve ever say.’
‘They’re important sure, but they aren’t the be-all, end-all,’ he placated, smiling gently at me. Before I could argue, the man behind the counter called bhaiya’s name out and he got up, going to get the food.
When he set the food down on the table a minute later, I picked up the conversation where we’d left off. ‘How can you say it’s not? If my marks don’t come out at my predicted, that’s it. All the plans, they go down the drain, na?’ I sighed, opening my box and beginning to pick at my donner strips, making smaller pieces out of them.
‘Not at all Jai. Maybe you have to change them but that’s hardly the end of the world. And besides, you’re a smart kid, you’ll get the grades,’ he assured.
‘Bhadai toh aa kayche!’ I snapped, slipping from English to Gujarati as my anxiety and frustration peaked, a habit I’d never been able to fully break. I paused a minute, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly before speaking again. ‘You all say that, you all believe that I will, that I can do it. But what if I don’t?’ I asked, admitting to my biggest fear for the first time; I was shit scared that I’d let them down, let them all down. Let my family down.
Bhai chuckled at that, looking at me like I was insane. ‘You do realise that the fact that you’ve made it through A-levels is bloody impressive right?’ he asked, sighing when I shook my head. ‘See, that’s the stupid thing about the education system nowadays. You’re all trained to believe that you need to get the highest grades to get into a decent uni, to get a degree worth anything. But that’s not true in the slightest. The fact that you’ve done your A-levels should be more than enough. I remember when I was your age, doing A-levels was such a big deal, hardly anyone in my year even went on to do them after GCSEs. Hell, even when Anjali was your age, to do A-levels, to make it all the way through them, it was huge. And now, they tell you that it’s not enough to make it through them, not enough that you’ve been through the hell of it all, you have to come out the other end with top grades or else it was all for nothing.’
‘Times have changed bhai. It’s all different from how it was six, eight years ago.’
‘Damn right it is. It’s only gotten harder. I’ve seen the material you two have been going over the past couple years and, I’ll tell you this much, I couldn’t have done it.’
‘Maybe, I dunno. But the fact of it is that grades are more important now.’
‘That might be true. But what I’m trying to say is that none of us will give a damn what letters are written on that piece of paper tomorrow. We’ll be proud of you no matter what little bro.’ I blinked at him, not knowing how to react to those two words. Sure, bhai and didi had always treated me like their little brother but hearing it, well that was something different. It surprised me so much that I didn’t even notice his hand reaching across the table to snag a piece of my donner until he’d already taken it and had it halfway to his mouth.
‘Oi!’ I exclaimed indignantly.
‘Well, if you ain’t gonna eat your food, I sure will.’ I narrowed my eyes at him but got no response other than a laugh. Shooting him one last glare, I finally picked up a piece of the donner and popped it in my mouth, grinning at the once-familiar taste.
Bhai said nothing, only opened his own box and started eating, but I knew that this was the exact result he’d been hoping for.
But what he didn’t know was that he’d done so much more than just settle my mind about exam results. Because, sat there, it hit me harder than it ever had before that maybe Alia had been right, maybe I wasn’t as alone in the world as I’d always thought. Sure, I’d always had Alia, always called her my family. And I’d always said that I knew that I was counted as part of her family. But, until right then, I’d never realised just how true that was.
Chapter Nineteen
The night of the 17th went by much faster than the day had – even with the road trip.
Our form had decided to spend the night together, staying up all night in the hopes that we’d be able to distract each other from the nerves of results day. My house being the only one without any parental figures hanging about, it was the obvious choice for us to spend the night; it was a lot easier for seventeen teenagers to chill in peace when there were no adults to ask us how we were feeling and remind us of the nerves.
So, at seven our entire form showed up at my place, snacks, DVDs and various other forms of entertainment in tow.
None of us slept that night and I knew, without asking a single one of them that it was because we were all feeling the same gut-churning anxiousness for the sun to rise already. Of course, when dawn finally broke, it was still far too early to be heading for school, what with it being summer and all, the sun was up before six a.m. But it was morning at least, time to get up, brush teeth, eat breakfast. After an entire night of switching out DVDs and CDs, playing party games while movies and music played in the background and snacking on junk food, we finally had something to be doing.
For two hours, we all busied ourselves with getting ready and making food, ending up with five different types of breakfast foods as well as the cereal boxes that were lined up on my counter. And then, when we’d all managed to swallow down some food, the clock finally struck half eight and we all figured it was about time to head out.
We all filed out the door, piling into cars or, in mine and Alia’s case, climbing onto my bike, and heading out, all three cars and my bike taking the ever-familiar path to college for what would hopefully be the last time.
***
Our results were waiting for us in the library, laid out on the tables, arranged my form group and last name. Within minutes, our form had found the right table and Harry – a blonde haired boy who’d been unofficially appointed form-leader – began to hand out the brown envelopes. I took mine from him with surprisingly steady hands and waited a few moments until he handed Alia’s over to her before stepping away from the table, retreating to a quieter corner to open it. Alia joined me, giving me a small smile and a nod, telling me she was ready when I was.
With a breath, I slid my finger under the seal and broke it, pulling the papers out and unfolding them. My fingers started to fumble a little as I sorted through the papers, shoving the useless sheets about retakes and certificate collections back into the envelope and turning my attention to the final sheet of paper, the most important sheet, the one telling me my marks.
I let out the breath I’d been holding as I read the results
Mathematics B
Chemistry B
Creative Writing A
‘I passed!’ I exclaimed on an exhale, beginning to smile. ‘I passed.’
‘Of course you passed yaar,’ Alia said, rolling her eyes. I’d fully expected a comment like that but I hadn’t been expecting the was she’d said it, like it was nothing but an offhanded comment in a conversation she hadn’t really been paying attention to.
Which was because she wasn’t actually paying any attention.
She was looking at her results paper, frowning at it like it was a puzzled she couldn’t solve. ‘What d’you get?’ I asked, thinking maybe they were lower than she’d been expecting – which would have been understandable but disappointing nonetheless.
‘A, A, B,’ she answered, still sounding distracted.
‘That’s great! More than what you needed.’
‘Yeah, she agreed, folding up the pape
r and shoving it back in the envelope. ‘Chalo ghar jaye ame. Everyone’ll be waiting.’ She spoke in the most un-Alia way possible, like today was just any other day and the results we’d just got meant nothing.
‘What’s wrong?’ I asked as she stuffed the envelope in the back pocket of her jeans.
‘Nothing,’ she said, a little too quickly for it to be convincing.
‘Chal joothi,’ I scoffed. ‘Don’t lie to me Li. There’s something wrong.’
‘Nah, it’s just, it’s hitting me that this is it, you know? We’ve spent so many years in school, so many years with these people, and now… now we’re done,’ she told me. And while I didn’t doubt that that was true, I knew there was something she wasn’t saying.
‘Als come on, don’t insult me like that. I know you. I know when you’re lying.’
‘I’m not lying Jai, sachi ne. That’s all there is to it, promise.’ She looked at me, clearly hoping that I’d convinced me, sighing when she saw that I didn’t believe her and using her last resort. ‘C’mon Jai, let’s get going. If we stick around here much longer, ma will start calling.’ If it had been anyone else, I might’ve just laughed it off but, coming from Jai, it was as good as a threat. If we kept her waiting too long, Jaya aunty would start blowing up our phones, worrying in the way only an Indian mother could.
‘Tike che, let’s go,’ I agreed, shoving my own results in my pocket and quickly turning towards our friends, raising a hand in farewell before walking out the doors.
***
The Sharma family was waiting for us in the sitting room when we got back. Despite the fact that they were all pretending to be calm, the anxious energy in the room gave them away – well, that and the fact that Zia was the only one not sitting almost silently.
Jaya aunty was the first one to notice that we’d walked in, looking up as soon as we came through the doorway and smiling at us before speaking. ‘You’ve come back quickly. We thought you’d take longer at college.’
‘College ma rayne su karwanu mumma? Results layne rasra ramwanu?’ Alia joked.
‘Haan, of course. Results saathe biju su karwanu?’
‘Bring them home and show them to you all,’ Alia stated, taking the envelope from her pocket and handing it over to her dad before plopping herself down on the floor beside Zia and helping the toddler build a tower from the wooden block.
Without a word, I copied her, the drill familiar to me now after going through it with every major exam since ma passed away.
For the next five minutes, the only sounds in the room were the crinkling of paper as uncle sorted through the papers in the envelopes and looked over the results and Zia’s laughter as she knocked down the tower me and Alia had just built.
And then, once Rahul uncle had made his way through all the useless pieces of paper and found our actual results, another sound joined Zia’s giggles, the sound of uncle’s impressed laughter. ‘Well done,’ he said, turning to smile at us both as he handed the papers to aunty. ‘Both of you, well done.’ He gestured for us to get up and pulled us both into a tight hug once we had. ‘I’m proud of you,’ he told us. And then, once he’d let his daughter go, he held me back a second longer. ‘Your parents would be so proud of you Jai,’ he said, patting me on the back before letting me go too.
‘I… Thank you uncle,’ I mumbled, my eyes feeling suspiciously wet. He simply smiled at me and moved aside, allowing aunty to sweep us into a hug as well. She didn’t say a word, only hugged us and patted us both on the cheek, giving us both a smile, conveying everything she needed to with one look, in that silent way that mothers do.
We stepped out of her embrace and straight into di and bhabhi, both of them telling us how proud they were of us, how big of an achievement it was. And then, last was bhai. He was silent a minute, face all serious, and then he broke out into a smile, hugging his little sister and patting me on the back, announcing that this called for a celebration.
I looked to my side and found my best friend smiling as I’d expected. But, when she turned to pick up the confused three-year-old who was looking up at us all in bewilderment, I saw something odd flash in her eyes. It wasn’t sadness, wasn’t something as simple to place as that. She was happy, proud of herself, that much I could tell for sure. But that look in her eyes…the only word I had for it was pensive, like her mind wasn’t fully present in the moment but split between the living room we were stood in and somewhere else, somewhere far, far away.
Chapter Twenty
For the next four days, I felt like Alia was avoiding me. I didn’t know why, couldn’t think of anything I might’ve done. But, all of a sudden, she’d become extremely busy for someone who had no work to be doing. Considering I’d known her literally her entire life, it wasn’t all that difficult for me to see that there was something bothering her but I also knew her well enough that I didn’t bother to pry. After eighteen years, I’d learnt that sometimes, she just needed time to think and, on rare occasions, that meant she needed to be left alone by everyone, even me.
So, I gave her space.
And then, the Tuesday after results day, I got a text from her, asking if she could come over. Confusion was the only thing I felt when I read it – I mean, since when did she need to ask? – but I messaged her back all the same, worrying a little when she didn’t pick up on the glaringly obvious sarcasm in my message.
***
At half twelve, there was a knock on my front door and I opened it to find Alia on the other side, fidgeting slightly, like she was nervous. Without a word, I stepped back to let her in, locking the door as she made her way to the sitting room.
The worry I’d felt earlier came back in full force as I followed her, not accustomed to silence from her. The feeling only grew as I came to the doorway and saw her stood in the middle of the living room, looking around herself like she was completely lost. ‘Als, what’s wrong?’ I asked.
She turned my way, looking at me like she’d only just realised that I was there, her hazel eyes wide and strangely child-like, the maturity that I was used to seeing there absent. ‘Jai, I-I’m dying Jai,’ she said, voice cracking a little. ‘It just hit me all over again on results day and I’ve not been able to stop thinking about it since.’
‘Li, you’re going to be fine,’ I assured, stepping forwards and wrapping my arms around her. ‘You’ll be fine.’
‘But what if I’m not?’ she asked, voice muffled by my shirt. ‘You heard what the cardiologist said last time. I stress too much and I’m not looking after myself well enough,’ she reminded; I could hear the tears in her voice and felt them soak the thin cotton of my t-shirt.
‘Yeah but, you’ve been doing better na? We’ve been working on it, getting everything sorted out. You’ll be alright.’
‘What if I’ve already done too much damage? What if I won’t be okay?’ she questioned, words punctuated by little sniffles.
‘Hey don’t say that. Look how much better you’ve got in the past few weeks. You stopped stressing and all, started taking your meds properly, doing what the doctor told you and things are looking good. You’re not having so much trouble getting things done, or, you know, breathing.’ She didn’t say anything, just shook her head against my chest and my forehead creased in confusion. I had the feeling I’d definitely missed something here. ‘What’s brought this on then?’
‘That day, when you had to take me to the hospital, I thought it was just a panic attack, an asthma attack at the worst,’ she began to explain, words barely audible between her soft tone, tears and the fact that she was still speaking into my shirt. ‘But it wasn’t. As it was, they were worried, what with my having a heart disease and passing out like that. And then with what you’d told them about dizzy spells getting worse, me not having too much of an appetite… those’re all signs that point to heart failure. They ran all kinds of tests and turns out I have an abnormal heart rate. Apparently, that’s dangerous. Like I could really, actually die kind of dangerous. They gave me some m
ore meds and they said that, so long as I can actually follow the doctor’s orders, I might be okay. But they don’t know for sure and they were talking about pace-makers and sending me to be assessed for a transplant and… I’m scared Jai. I’m fucking terrified.’ As she spoke, the pace of her words had increased, the pitch of her voice climbing with it until I was sure I wouldn’t be able to understand her if she spoke any faster or if her pitch climbed any higher. It was pretty clear that she was on her way to a panic attack, was already more than halfway there, and that was the absolute last thing she needed.
So, I did something that was potentially very stupid.
I pulled back slightly, enough that I could see her face, and brought a hand up to lift her chin so she was looking at me as well. Without giving myself the chance to overthink, I leaned down and kissed her. For a minute, she was still as a statue. And then, to my surprise, she relaxed completely, her arms wrapping around my neck as she pushed herself up on her tiptoes, like she was trying to pull closer.
I couldn’t help but smile, feeling insanely happy in that moment, even despite the fact that my best friend, the most important person in my life, had just told me that the disease had been killing her slowly was maybe killing her faster. I felt her smiling too and, right then, it felt like everything was right with the world.
It lasted a few moments and then I pulled away, looking down at the girl who was still smiling up at me and wiping away the tears that lingered. ‘That uh, I mean… wh-where, what, shit –’ She stumbled over her words, laughing a little as she struggled to get them out. Of course, I didn’t really need her to get a full sentence out to understand what it was she was trying to say.
‘Saw it on Teen Wolf,’ I told her with a shrug. ‘Figured it was worth a shot if it’d stop you from having a panic attack.’
Have a Heart Page 11
