‘How many times do I have to tell you –’
‘Thanking you for things like this is an insult, I know,’ I finished. ‘But, really, this is… I don’t even have words.’
‘You don’t need them,’ he told me with a grin. ‘I know what you’re thinking.’
‘You a mind reader now, are you?’ I teased.
‘Not at all, just a Lia reader,’ he said, giving me that lopsided grin of his. Words as a response definitely weren’t an option at that point so I did the only thing I could think of and kissed him.
***
My parents were slightly bewildered when I told them I needed to move some of the furniture out of my room – probably because I asked first and explained late, as I apparently have a tendency to do – but, once I’d actually slowed down and explained it to them, they were more than happy to help. Once they finished laughing at my scattered explanation, that is. So, we took a weekend and all but cleared out my room, leaving only the bed and nightstand.
And then we set to work.
Jai trusted me to do nothing more than coat the walls in solid colours, first giving me a paint roller and then, on realising I utter shite with it, giving me a large brush instead. It was slow going with the brush, having to paint the walls stroke by stroke but, with Jai for company and music playing, the hours passed like minutes. Plus, with the way you could see the strokes, it gave my room a pretty cool, art deco kind of vibe.
It took me two days to finish covering one of the smaller walls in the room but, considering how good it looked, I couldn’t complain. And, given that it took Jai just as long to convert the drawing of the mural in his sketchbook to a drawing on the wall, it wasn’t too long of a time at all.
Everything was coming together beautifully; my bedroom walls looked so much better now that they had colour on them instead of being the plain white they’d been all my life, the coats of lilac, sky blue and grass green covering up the pockmarks left behind by the Blu Tac that had held up the posters that had covered the boring eggshell walls for years.
Being so focused as I was on redoing my room – painting the walls, covering them with multicoloured paint splatters, fixing bookshelves to the walls, shopping for rugs and art and curtains – I’d all but forgotten the rest of the list. That is until I went over to Jai’s place one afternoon to find him on his laptop. ‘Iceland?’ I asked, looking over his shoulder.
‘Hey you,’ he greeted, tilting his head back to look at me.
‘Hi,’ I returned, pushing myself up on my tiptoes so I could lean over the back of the sofa and drop a kiss to his nose. He smiled and gestured for me to take a seat next to him. I moved round to the front of the couch, sitting myself on the arm, putting a hand on his shoulder and looking at the screen again. ‘So, Iceland?’ I repeated.
‘Well, I’ve been thinking, I’ve got my inheritance and I don’t think I’m going to be using it for uni – even, even if we tick everything off… if, well, you know,’ he said, tripping over his words as he tried to avoid saying even if you die. ‘It’s not for me, uni. Going to school for another three years, lectures, coursework, exams, deadlines – I can’t stick that stuff. I know we always said we’d go, do what our parents couldn’t but that was always more your dream. Doing this, chasing dreams and goals and wishes with you, it’s made me realise I need to go after mine too. And, the truth is, I’ve decided I want to be a writer Al.
‘So I think we should put that money to good use. Let’s go to Iceland and Paris and Amsterdam – and everywhere else we wanna go too.’
‘Jai, I love you for offering but I can’t let you do that. You can’t use your inheritance like that. It’s supposed to be your safety net and –’
‘And nothing. A couple plane tickets aren’t going to break the bank. Besides, I want to do these things just as much as you do. “Invest in experiences, not things,” ma always used to tell me, remember?’ He recalled with a fond smile. ‘That’s what I’m doing; investing in experiences.’
‘Well, I can’t very well argue with that now, can I?’ I deadpanned. ‘What dates are we looking at?’
‘I was thinking maybe in a couple months.’ I said nothing, gave no response really, thinking it over. But, of course, my silence told him everything I was thinking. ‘What is it?’
‘Nothing. I’m just thinking, maybe we shouldn’t plan so far ahead? I mean, what if...?’ I trailed off, not really needing to voice my thoughts passed that.
‘Well, you’ve been better recently, haven’t you? I mean, you seem to be better.’ He wasn’t wrong. Things definitely had seemed better but I wasn’t sure how well I really was.
I’d never tell my family that but, though it seemed the symptoms were being managed to the point they were all but non-existent, the truth was I’d just gotten a lot better at hiding them. I still experienced the chest pains, the dizziness, the shortness of breath and all the other oh-so-delightful things that came along with having a heart disease – or heart failure I suppose. Sure, they weren’t as frequent as they had been in the beginning but I’d been right to worry about having done damage that couldn’t be completely fixed. Those symptoms still bothered me, happening often enough to be worrying.
But nobody really needed to know that.
So, instead, I fixed a smile on my face and nodded, much to Jai’s delight. ‘But let’s not book anything until after my next appointment okay?’
‘Alright I guess,’ he agreed.
***
You know when you’re reading a book and things are going well, really well, but there’s too many pages left in the book for it to be anywhere near the end and you start to worry about what could go wrong in those pages?
That was the exact feeling I was getting right about then.
It was because of that feeling that I told myself not to think of the possibility of travelling, seeing more of the world. I tried my hardest to cast those thoughts from my mind – something I usually excelled at – but, this time, I couldn’t manage it. I found myself daydreaming about it, Googling attractions in Iceland, places to go in Paris and things to do in Amsterdam.
Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t help but let myself be excited.
And then, to make it all about a hundred times better, my brother decided to spring something else on me.
He stopped by my room while I was reorganising my books late one afternoon, knocking against my doorframe and standing in the doorway. I turned, nearly toppling over the stack of books by my foot. ‘Bhaiya, hi,’ I said, a little astonished; me and my brother weren’t exactly the closest of siblings, what, with the eight-year age gap and all. Sure, we got along fine but he sure as hell weren’t close enough that him stopping by my room could ever be considered a normal occurrence.
‘Hey little Li,’ he greeted, chuckling at my eye roll. What I didn’t let him see was my secretive little smile at hearing that old nickname; I hated when anyone but Jai used a nickname for me, had since I was about ten. But hearing the name he’d called me as a baby stirred up a nostalgic feeling in me.
‘What, uh, what’re you doing in here?’ I asked, putting a couple of books in their place before carefully manoeuvring myself across the room. He gestured towards the interior of my room to ask if he could come in and I nodded, gesturing to the bed and clearing some books off of it to make space. He made his way over, carefully dodging my book stacks.
‘Come sit with me a second,’ he told me, patting the, rather small, clear space beside him. I did as he asked, sitting carefully so as to not disturb the precariously piled tomes behind me. ‘You know, I remember when the room was your nursery?’ He looked around with a reminiscent smile. ‘The cot in the corner by the window, that Pooh Bear mobile hanging over it; God, you loved that thing! My old dinosaur cot sheets – because for some reason you became obsessed with those after the first time you saw them. If ma took them off to wash and they weren’t dry by night, you’d scream the house down. And that woolly blankie dadi made for you. You’d ne
ver sleep without it, no matter where we were. It and that little pink rabbit – ’
‘I still don’t,’ I admitted, looking at my pillow where my rabbit sat – not so much pink as grey now – my baby blanket peeking out underneath it.
‘Well, maybe you haven’t completely grown up then,’ he chuckled. ‘But, still, you’re not the little baby in the cot anymore, reaching for “’aiya” with those pudgy little hands. And I don’t know how or when that happened. But it did. And a couple days ago, I looked in here and saw you and Jai putting those shelves up and it hit me. Just like that, I realised you’re not my little Li anymore.’
‘Bhai, as much as I really hate to admit it, I’ll always be you little Li.’ He chuckled a little, but nodded and let out a sigh. ‘Where’s the trip down memory lane come from anyway?’
‘I dunno. It’s not the reason I came in here; it just kinda came out when I opened my mouth. I came here to give you these.’ He took an envelope from his jacket pocket and handed it to me. I opened it, gasping as I saw the tickets I’d been hoping to get for years now.
I checked the dates and saw they were in two weeks’ time. ‘Bhaiya, are – are these real?’ I questioned incredulously.
‘H-how did you?’
‘I bought them a while back, they only just got here. Thought I’d come give them to you before Anjali or Maya did it first. Wanted to see your face.’
‘I – bhai – this is amazing! I… I can’t believe you manged to get tickets for Christmas at Hogwarts!’ I exclaimed, throwing my arms around him in an awkward sideways hug. He chuckled and returned the gesture, patting me on the back and pulling away.
‘Well, I’ve been promising you those tickets every year since you were what? fourteen? Figured it’s about time I delivered,’ was all he said before getting up and – extremely cautiously – making his way out of my room, leaving me to stare at the tickets in awe.
***
There were still two weeks till Christmas but I’d already been given the best presents I could hope to get. Tickets to the Warner Bros. Studio Tour sat on my bedside table and the prospect of a little more global exploration on the horizon.
And the icing on the cake?
At my cardiologist appointment a couple days later, I found out that, though I was far from a clean bill of health and that the symptoms of heart failure could come and go so I should definitely be careful, I wasn’t doing too much worse than the last time. Turns out no piling on shit tons of pressure and actually letting myself relax a while had done me some good.
Remember that feeling I was talking about earlier, the one about things going far too well far too early in the book?
The cardiologist telling me that I didn’t seem to be progressing too quickly only served to make that feeling worse. I determinedly pushed the feeling aside, trying not to pay it attention, but it was there at the back of my mind.
As soon as I was out of the doctor’s office, I had my phone out, dialling Jai’s number and putting it to my ear, thinking that he’d probably have some kind of distraction for me. ‘Hey, how’d it go?’ he asked, sounding a little preoccupied – which didn’t surprise me all that much really; he’d been working on the mural again when I’d left for the hospital earlier. He was probably working at it again, focused on it entirely.
‘It went well. No improvements, obviously, but I’m not going the other way either,’ I told him, fudging the truth just slightly; I wasn’t really getting worse, per se, but I definitely wasn’t doing great.
‘That’s great!’ Though he sounded enthusiastic enough, I knew him well enough to know he wasn’t really paying any attention to the conversation. Add in the weird scraping noises I could hear in the background and I figured something odd was going on.
‘Everything alright over there?’ I asked, wondering what the hell was going on.
‘Yeah -yeah, everything’s fine. I’m just painting,’ he dismissed quickly, a little too quickly really.
‘Oookay then. Well, I’m heading home now, should be home in about a half hour or so.’ Usually, it’d only take about a quarter of an hour to get back from an appointment but, thanks to a mix up with Dr. Smithson’s schedules, my appointment had ended up being booked at Queen’s Medical Centre instead of at King’s Mill like it normally was.
‘Uh, actually Li, I need some more paint, ran out of a few colours and there’re some I forgot to pick up in the first place. I was thinking, while you’re out and all, you could maybe pick some up for me?’ For someone who knew him like I did, it was pretty clear that it was a hasty excuse but I decided to humour him, figuring he was planning something.
‘Okay, yeah. Text me a list and I’ll stop by B&Q on the way home and pick ‘em up.’
‘Thanks Li, you’re a life saver!’ he exclaimed, not letting me even say bye before he hung up.
***
Nearly three hours later, I walked out of the DIY store with two bags full of tester pots. Jai had sent me a long-ass list of extremely specific shades – probably designed to keep me busy for long enough to give him time to finish whatever it was he was planning.
As I got back to my car, my phone rang.
It was a little difficult to fish it out of my pocket while juggling the carrier bags and my car keys and I fumbled, dropping it on the ground. I swore and leaned down to pick it up. Of course, being me, I ended up kicking it under the car instead.
Letting out a frustrated huff, I dropped my bags and keys, dropping to the ground and reaching under the car to get it. It stopped ringing just as my fingers closed around it and I rolled my eyes; just typical.
In hindsight, had I known what I was going to be told when I picked up, maybe I wouldn’t have answered. Because maybe if I hadn’t, somehow it could’ve been undone, the events of the day reversed.
But, of course, I didn’t know that. So, when it rang again, I did pick up. ‘Hello.’
‘I’m calling for a Miss Alia Sharma,’ came an authoritative female voice from the other end of the line.
‘Speaking.’
‘I’m calling from King’s Mill Hospital. We have you listed as the next of kin for Jaival Edmonds.’ My heart stopped for a moment and I forgot how to breathe, fingers tightening around the phone.
After forcing myself to inhale and exhale, I spoke again, my voice shaking. ‘Uhm, yeah -yes. Is-is everything okay?’
‘I’m afraid not. Mr. Edmonds has been in an accident.’
‘Ac-accident,’ I repeated, my brain not really working to process the information.
‘Yes. He has some pretty severe injuries; the doctors are operating as we speak but it’s unclear whether or not he’ll make it. We advise you and any other family members make your way here as quickly as possible.’ The woman continued to talk but I didn’t hear another word of what she said, the phone falling from my hand again.
The sounds around me faded, my vision tunnelled and my heart pounded faster that even my out-of-rhythm heart was ever supposed to.
I couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe.
The words rang in my head, loud and clear as a bell, obscuring everything else.
And then, the ground went out from under me. I collapsed, falling to my knees and then lying flat against the asphalt.
The last thing I remember thinking of was Jai’s smiling face, telling me everything would be okay.
And then, the world faded to black.
***
Part Four: Alia
Chapter Thirty-Four
I woke up in a hospital bed.
There was a needle in my arm, a pulse monitor on my finger, hard lights assaulting my eyes and an even harsher smell assaulting my nose.
I coughed in an attempt to clear my throat, the action causing me a slight amount of pain. Ignoring it, I looked around, squinting against the too-bright lights. My gaze landed on my mother who was sitting in the chair by my bed, asleep. ‘Ma,’ I called, the word nothing more than a hoarse whisper. But, despite the lack of volume, my mum heard me
– or maybe just knew I was awake by some trick of motherly instinct – her eyes opening, blinking as she sat up.
‘Betta, utigay tu?’ she asked, her voice disbelieving, almost frail. ‘Tu utigay,’ she repeated, her hand reaching form mine, squeezing it as though to reassure herself.
‘H-haan ma,’ I stuttered, unable to say more thanks to my painfully dry throat.
Ma anticipated my need in a way only a mother every could and got up, grabbing the jug of water from the small table and pouring me a cup. ‘Le, paani pija,’ she instructed, helping me to sit up ever so slightly and bringing the cup to my mouth.
I gratefully drank a few mouthfuls before settling back against the pillows, holding up a hand to tell her no more. She set the cup down and fussed about me a minute before stepping back. ‘Hu-hun jayne doctor ne kayow ke tu utigay?’
‘Haan ma.’
‘Tike che, awuchu humra. I’ll be back in a minute.’ She hurried out the door, pulling it shut gently behind her and rushing off down the hall, leaving me to wonder how long I’d been laying in this bed, why I was in it in the first place and, most importantly of all, where Jai was.
***
After what felt like an eternity full of doctors and nurses asking me questions and checking my vitals, reactions and responses, the medical professionals cleared out of the room, leaving me with my parents and siblings. ‘Where’re bhabhi and Zi?’ I asked, speaking over their queries about my health. They exchanged a four-way look, one I hadn’t seen since I was a child who was to be sheltered from the harsh truths of the world.
I stared at them, waiting for an answer for an age before, finally, bhaiya spoke. ‘They uh, they wanted to be here – Zia especially; she’s been desperate for a hug from Alu fui. But, when Zi realised it meant coming to the hospital, even the promise of seeing you wasn’t enough to persuade her so Maya stayed home with her.’ My forehead creased in confusion at that; Zia didn’t exactly have bad experiences with the hospital – hell, I didn’t think she had any experiences with hospitals, apart from the day she was born that is. What had happened that she was now shit scared of them?
Have a Heart Page 19
