She still didn’t look satisfied, though, and Ethan couldn’t quite understand why. He’d already had way too much to drink. “All right.”
Ethan had forgotten about the blonde on his other side until she removed her hand from his thigh, leaned over, and placed her hand on Val’s leg instead. He blinked and said, as though it were an introduction, “Kandy really likes the band.”
Val raised her eyebrows but said nothing. Ethan saw Kandy rubbing Val’s thigh, and it made him harder. “Oh, I really loved you. You are so sexy onstage.”
“Thanks.” Val kept sipping her water, but she started looking like a rabbit facing a predator. He wasn’t sure what she was thinking.
“You okay?”
“Um…maybe.”
Ethan felt Kandy’s other arm, still draped over his shoulders, reach behind him over to Val where she started rubbing his girlfriend’s shoulder, and then he was inspired. He sat up and took command, wrapping his arms around both women and pulling them into a huddle not unlike football players. He said, “You know…Val, you are my muse. You are so special to me. Kandy here sees how special you are too, and she wants to spend more time with us.” Kandy started nibbling on his ear. Jesus. High or not, there was no way he could concentrate like that, and he knew he’d need some finesse with his girlfriend. He turned his head and gave Kandy a back-the-fuck-off look and then he turned back to Val. He kissed her again, trying to let her know how special she was and then he brought his lips to her ear and told her how much he’d love for the two of them to share the hot slutty number to his left…and he thought the front of his jeans were going to rip off his body when she agreed to it.
“That’s just one example of the kind of fucked up shit I’ve done in my past, doc.”
“So…relationships must be hard to maintain.”
“Uh, yeah. My marriage is over. And my working relationships, the ones with my friends? Those are just as hard. My friends are pretty much over me. I don’t know if we can save the band.”
“Do you want to?”
That question set Ethan back a bit. It was a question he hadn’t asked himself. Lately, it seemed, people were questioning him down to the core…to his motivations, his base desires. It didn’t bother him, but it was hard to get used to. These people weren’t just assuming things about him. They wanted to know where he was coming from. Most interesting was the fact that Ethan had to dig deep because he wasn’t sure.
This question was no different.
Did he want to be in a band? That wasn’t too hard a question to answer. It was yes, one hundred percent, but he had to be clean to do it. He couldn’t return…not yet. He didn’t feel strong enough to get up on that stage without something propping him up. He associated the stage with drugs too closely. It was like when he quit smoking—he had to stop drinking coffee for a few months too. They went together. So, until he felt strong, he couldn’t perform onstage, couldn’t tour. He needed to learn to walk again before he could try to run.
The answer was yes, though. Yes, absolutely. “I can’t see myself doing anything else. Music is my life. Sure, I could maybe find another band, but the guys in my band…they’re my friends too, my family. I just know they’re pretty much over all my shit, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to prove myself to them.” He rested his head in his hand, hiding his eyes from the psychologist. “I started that damn band with my best friend. I don’t want to walk away. That band is a huge part of me. I wrote half the music. But…I also know that they might not want to take me back.”
“Have you had any contact with them?”
“Yeah, some. I’ve mostly just talked to our manager. I’ve been keeping him posted on my progress. I’ve been in rehab before, so I know they’re not confident about my recovery. But I guess the record label is sitting back. Our next CD isn’t due for another nine months, and if I know Brad, he’s been writing like crazy. He’s probably ready to head into the studio already but is just waiting to see what happens with me.”
“Would they record without you?”
Ethan hadn’t thought about that before, but he knew it was possible. Even if they hadn’t given up on him, Brad could easily play two different guitar tracks. He usually had Ethan do his own solo work, but a lot of times, Brad would compose an entire song on his own. Hell, Ethan had done that too, but it had been a long time since he had. “They could.”
“Have you been writing music lately?”
He took in a deep breath and looked at the psychologist. He couldn’t remember but thought the guy had said his name was Dr. Cole. “No. I can’t tell you the last time I wrote anything.”
“Yet you feel you can’t live without music. I believe you said, ‘Music is my life.’ So where is the drive and the passion to write, to perform?”
Ethan let out a breath. Could he even explain it to this man? “I…I’m finally starting to feel the desire to write, but it’s buried in there, you know? It’s…uh…I feel like I’ve been in a cave and my eyes are adjusting to the light but until they do…I can’t do shit.” The psychologist nodded his head but said nothing for a long time.
At last, though, he spoke, and Ethan thought he’d been holding back so that Ethan would give it more thought. “I think you need to try. If it is as you say it is—that it is your life, your reason for living—then I want you to try. Start small and don’t overwhelm yourself, but start. Maybe write a few lines to a song or come up with a new riff to a song. But force yourself, just a little. See what it does for you.”
That had to be some of the most practical advice Ethan had heard in ages, and he planned to give it a fair shot as soon as he returned home.
Chapter Ten
JENNA TRIED TO ignore the beads of sweat clinging to her forehead as she continued to drive her legs up and down. The elliptical machine in the past had helped her work through a lot of things that bothered her, but, for some reason, it wasn’t working this time.
She’d thought she’d worked through all her hang ups and problems, but now she realized she’d merely buried them and ignored them. She had enough training to know there was nothing healthy about pretending the past didn’t exist, but she hadn’t had the strength to deal with her feelings head on. Now, though, trying to help Ethan find some sort of salvation had brought all those old memories and insecurities to the surface. She couldn’t ignore the past any longer.
Why now, though? Why, when she was at her most vulnerable, did her brain choose to make her deal with those issues?
She knew exactly why. It was because Ethan wasn’t just another client. Right or wrong, she was beginning to feel something for him. They weren’t just feelings of friendship either. It wasn’t like the way she felt about Jay or Olivia, for example. She felt sympathy and human kindness toward them, towards most of the people she tried to help, and she really did care about what happened to them. Ethan was different, though, and she wasn’t sure when her feelings had changed. Attraction, yes. She’d felt that from the beginning. He was a good-looking, charismatic guy who knew how to use it, but there was more, and she thought maybe she could figure out when it had become even more serious for her.
It was when he’d seen right through her, had seen her for the fragile human being she really was. Oh, she could act as tough as they came. Most people thought that was the real her. Somehow, though, Ethan could see who she was underneath. Did she have any addictions? Hell, yeah, and there was no way she was going to talk about them with Ethan, much as she had been tempted to.
One of her addictions? He was just her type. She’d had a string of boyfriends, hot rocker types, tattooed and punctured, tortured and abusive. She’d never been struck, not once (although the last time had involved physical mistreatment), which was part of why she’d found it hard to break away, because psychological abuse was harder to identify, especially when you yourself were the victim.
It was something she was ashamed of, particularly because she was an addictions counselor herself. How could she claim
legitimacy, have any kind of authority if she was suffering and unable to “cure” herself? So instead she vowed to just stay away from men altogether and live her life that way.
And for the past year, she’d grown stronger and felt better. She convinced herself that celibacy was the best way. After all, the most important part of recovery for any addict was to give up the abused substance, and she had done that. That fact alone made her feel like she was doing the right thing.
Her heart ached, though. She was missing something, and she knew it, but she also felt it was for the best. Now, though, with this broken man in her life, a man she had hope for, a man she saw had a fighting chance, she could feel the emptiness in her life.
But no. Ethan was the exact kind of man she had to stay away from. She couldn’t allow herself to get involved with another man with a past who chose to take it out on the women foolish enough to love him. She refused to be a victim again.
So she put in another two miles on the elliptical, her auburn hair bouncing in its ponytail, but she didn’t notice the time. She had a lot of anxiety to work through, and that machine was going to take a beating.
When she was done, she stepped down and toweled off and thought she’d be tired enough to sleep. She was wrong. Ethan haunted her dreams, and she wondered how long she’d be able to deny her feelings for him.
* * *
Ethan took a sip of the coffee. Goddamn, was it strong. It could probably walk by itself. That was okay, though. He was feeling more tired than usual today. And, of course, he was feeling down too, which was probably related to the fatigue. He could use a little caffeine.
He started walking toward the chair in the circle next to the guy called Jay Bird again. He could tell that Jay would be an ally if times got tough, but he could also tell he was the kind of guy who’d be an enabler. He’d been around plenty of those. He could hear it now. Come on, man. One hit won’t hurt. Yeah. Yeah, it would. Ethan had learned that lesson the hard way.
He smiled at Jay just the same but then he looked across the room and saw Jenna. She was in the doorway talking to someone who seemed reluctant about coming in. She looked so sincere, that woman, like she wanted to save the whole world. And Ethan thought maybe she could.
He was starting to feel differently about her too. Yeah, he’d had a boner for her since he’d seen her. She had a tight body and beautiful lips. He’d love to grab a fistful of that red hair and fuck her from behind. Yeah…but now he felt more than just that lust. He was starting to wonder if she’d want to go to the park and sit on the grass under the shade of a tree just to talk.
That thought made Ethan feel like a real pussy. That’s not what metal was all about. Fine if he cared about a woman, but he wasn’t about to engage in champagne and strawberries and poetry in the park. Bullshit.
Still, he was feeling some strange things about this woman. He wasn’t just thinking about fucking her.
He was thinking about the morning after.
And he didn’t remember ever thinking that about any woman, not even his estranged wife.
That wasn’t an insult to Valerie. No, Val was innocent and pure. The only seediness she’d seen in life was the shit Ethan had put her through.
Jenna, though…Jenna seemed to know and understand more than she let on. Maybe it was because of her experience. True, she didn’t seem to be any older than he was, which would put her in her mid-twenties, but it didn’t matter. There was a worldliness about her…she knew a lot and, if Ethan wasn’t mistaken, she’d experienced more than she let on. She really seemed to understand what he was going through.
So when she stopped talking to the person in the hall, having failed at talking the guy into staying, Ethan couldn’t help but smile when her emerald eyes met his.
She smiled back. That felt pretty good.
He took another sip and felt shocked again at the strength of the liquid, then sat in the chair next to Jay. Jay was engaged in conversation with the guy next to him. Ethan was glad for that. He didn’t know that he was ready to move from what he was feeling to talking about the weather. He considered closing his eyes and just leaning over to rest his forearms on his thighs to keep any would-be talkers at bay, but he didn’t have to. Jenna started walking into the room to start the group. He didn’t miss that she kept smiling at him.
Ethan had missed the beginning of group last week. It started out with Jenna asking if anyone had had any victories, little or big. A couple of people shared what they felt were milestones. Ethan was thinking big fucking deal, but he kept his mouth shut. He’d gotten out of bed that day…even though he hadn’t been able to write shit, in spite of what his psychologist had said. Maybe the folks here would clap for him for admitting he’d been able to drag his ass out of bed this morning.
It really was a victory some days, but no way would he tell these people that. No way could he risk looking weak.
* * *
He was glad when Jenna moved on and had people start talking about what she’d asked them to consider over the past week. He’d forgotten about that bit of “homework.” He tried to pay attention, but he was nowhere near feeling like the world was a shiny, happy place. Not like some of these folks. Maybe in a year or two. And he’d even be happy never feeling that way as long as he could get rid of the fucking cloud.
The hour passed and it was time to take a break. He got another cup of coffee and chatted some with Jay. Jay turned out to not be intimidating at all. He wanted to ask Ethan about the band and usual fan-type questions. It helped Ethan to relax, and he started to not mind the group so much. So when it was time to sit back down in the circle, his guard was down. He wasn’t ready for what happened next.
Jenna looked straight at him. God, she was beautiful. He could almost imagine the two of them alone.
But then she opened her mouth.
“Ethan, you’re kind of getting a feel for the group now, right?”
He nodded. “Yeah.”
“We share a lot here. It’s part of the healing process. And…if you’re up for it, I’d love for you to share something that you think brought you here today.”
He felt his eyes narrow. “What’s that mean exactly?” The little minx, using his infatuation for her against him.
But she had a completely innocent look on her face. She was sincere…and he believed her. He wanted to try. She said, “We are nothing more than a sum of our past. We are our history. And until we can accept that and understand how our past drives our present behaviors, we are destined to be slaves to our habits. So…if you start sharing, thinking about what’s got you here, you can begin to learn the how and why about your behavior.” She raised her eyebrows as though encouraging him.
Ethan dug deep. This was a pivotal moment. He could just say fuck it and leave…but wasn’t that what he’d always done? Maybe she was right. Maybe that was why he could never get past it. So he looked her in the eyes and nodded. He trusted her…and he was going to try.
Chapter Eleven
GOD, JENNA FELT like such a fake. Here she was goading Ethan into exploring his past so he could heal and move on when she’d just the night before realized she’d been burying her own past as deep as it would go.
Still, her job here was not herself. It was to help Ethan and all the other people here learn how to go on without all the substances they’d relied on for so long. She could take care of herself on her own time. She also knew that sometimes the greatest teachers weren’t able to take their own advice. She hadn’t given up on herself yet, but now was not the time.
So she looked at Ethan through earnest eyes, hoping to encourage him to share. She knew from their short time together that Ethan had a lot of healing to do, but she got the idea that he didn’t even know how deep the scars went. She wanted him to open up, to share…so he could begin to heal. He didn’t even know everything he was dealing with.
It was a relief to see him take a deep breath and nod. He searched her eyes and then looked around the room at the other
folks in the circle, the ones who had either been where he was now at one time or who were still hurting like he was. This was a group of kindred souls, even if they were from much different paths, and as they shared, their bonds would form and maybe some of these fragile people could learn to trust again, even if it was tenuous.
When Ethan started speaking, his voice was softer, probably gentler than Jenna had ever heard it. “What got me here. Well…there’s a lot, actually, but there’s a defining moment. Um…one of my first memories ever. I think it helped shape who I am.
“I was pretty young. I wasn’t in school yet, but I’m not sure how old I was. I was playing with this red metal fire truck. It was as big as my arm, but even as a kid, I thought it was pretty bad ass. I think my grandpa had given it to me for my birthday. It was snowing outside, so I was sitting on the living room floor. I remember it was a wooden floor, and I liked it because I could push the truck and it would slide across the floor.” He was silent for a moment, and it appeared as though he were really trying to relive that point in time. “I can still hear the sound those plastic wheels made rolling across the floor.
“Anyway, mom was in the kitchen baking cookies for Christmas. It smelled good, and I kept asking her if I could have one, but she told me no over and over…”
“Just one cookie, mommy?”
“No, baby bear. You know your daddy doesn’t like it when you have sweets before dinner.”
“Just one?”
“No, baby.” She was so beautiful. Her smile made him so happy, even though she wasn’t going to give him that cookie he wanted so badly. She tousled his hair. “Now, go play so mama can finish making dinner.”
Bullet Series Box Set Books 1-8 Page 53
