He was drawing swirls on her upper arm with his index finger, not looking in her eyes. “I…uh…well, you know part of the story. My dad was a rat bastard. The story I told you? Just the tip of the iceberg. He beat the shit out of my mom on a regular basis, same with me when he felt like it, but usually only when I tried to defend mom. He was just a fucking asshole to me most of the time. And then…the fucker up and died on me. Part of me was glad. He didn’t deserve to live or take up precious air and space. But…” Ethan’s voice got quiet. He had to make himself tell her. She understood. She knew. She wanted to help. And he’d been feeling better and better since sharing with her. He had to muscle through it. His jaw clenched, though, as if his body were fighting against his need to tell her. He closed his eyes and let the air out his nose. His nostrils stung a bit, and he felt wetness around his eyes. Fucking serious? He took several more breaths until the emotion passed before he continued. “I felt like a real shit for not telling him goodbye. Val tried to talk me into it, and I was going to…but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. And, before I knew it, they were putting him in the ground.” He nodded his head, focusing his eyes on that finger. “I said I was glad. Part of me meant it.”
Jenna stroked his cheek. He couldn’t help but look at her, and then a tear did come out of his eye. Oh, fuck that shit. He was not gonna lose it. That’s the exact kind of shit he’d been drowning out for years. He bit down hard on his tongue to pull himself away from the emotional pain. To bleed was nothing, but he was not going to shed any tears for that bastard. He squinted his eyes and clenched his jaw again.
What a classy woman. She didn’t say a word. Instead, she just stroked his cheek again and brought her lips to his. And it wasn’t long, with her soft, smooth, sweet body pressed against him that he was able to let it go. When she stopped kissing him, she pressed her forehead into his, and he opened his eyes. She was smiling at him, and he couldn’t help but return it. “What have you been telling me this whole time? That it’s okay?” His eyes searched hers. “Because I understand you too.”
The breath escaped his lungs as he continued looking in those green orbs of hers. God…she was so right. How the hell had that even happened? This sweet angel…understood him. She did. And she wasn’t judging him for the addiction, or the anger, the bitterness, the tears…none of it. He felt lighter then, lighter than he had since he was that little boy rolling the fire truck around the living room. He took her face in his hands and kissed her again. Then he said, “You…are something else.”
She giggled. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
He felt so warm, so loved. “Everything.”
She cocked her head a little and smiled again, then kissed him on the nose. “I think we need to lighten the mood.”
He grinned. “What do you have in mind?
“Some Dr. Pepper and music.”
He raised his eyebrows. “What if I hate Dr. Pepper?”
“Do you?”
He chuckled. “No, it’s fine.”
She play-slapped his arm and then jumped out of bed. Jesus Christ. He hadn’t been able to fully appreciate her body until now. She was slender and lithe. She looked tinier without all the badass clothing she always wore. Now she looked almost fragile. He watched her from behind as she walked to the dresser on the side of the room where her iPod was. She picked it up and started swiping at the screen. “Hmm…Glamour of the Kill or Pop Evil?”
She turned around to look at him. God, she was cute. “I don’t care. You decide.” She nodded and started swiping at the screen again. “Wait. Actually…got any Asking Alexandria?”
“Yeah. Which CD?”
“Whichever.”
She gave him a look, as though she didn’t trust him, so he just grinned and shrugged his shoulders. She started playing Stand Up and Scream and placed the iPod into a dock. It sounded good for a tiny little thing…just like her. “Be right back,” she said, and then pranced through the door.
Was it normal for him to feel this way? He’d known this woman for two months maybe, and he already felt head over heels. What if her past was worse than his? What if she had the potential to snap? He only knew what she’d told him, and he wanted to think he knew her…he hoped he could trust his instincts.
In just a couple of minutes, she tiptoed back in the room, two glasses of Dr. Pepper on the rocks. And goddamn…she was still completely naked. Seeing her like that made his cock start to stir a little. She walked over to his side of the bed and held the glass out. When Ethan started to reach for it, she pulled it away so he couldn’t grab it. He looked at her, and she had a devilish grin on her face. Yeah, he thought it was cute, but he didn’t want to get grabby back and spill soda on her bed.
So he folded his arms across his chest and smirked. She said, “Oh, guess you don’t want any.” He sat up then and she backed up a little. She giggled and held the glass out to him once more.
“Oh, no, I’m not falling for that again.”
She put both glasses on the night stand next to the bed and straddled him. He felt his eyes grow a little wide and damn…his dick was waking up again. She reached over and grabbed the glass to hold it up to his lips. “You want it?”
He raised his eyebrows, but she tilted the glass so the brown fizzy liquid flowed into his mouth, just a few trickles.
“So…I gotta ask you a question.”
“Okay.”
“Don’t be afraid to answer it, all right?”
He was curious as hell what she was pussyfooting around about. “Are you kidding? After all I’ve told you, nothing scares me.”
Jenna looked amused. “I can fuck with your head, mister. You should be afraid.”
Oh, God, that was cute, and he was definitely growing a boner. “Sorry, but you’re not scaring me.” He wrapped his hands around her waist and resisted every last urge he had to pick her up by her hips and slam her onto his cock. “So bring it.”
She giggled, but then the look on her face grew wistful. “I didn’t know…um…are you into pain?”
He started to give an off-the-cuff answer and then stopped himself, because it was something he really hadn’t thought about before. “I don’t know.”
But he knew what she was talking about. “I bit you pretty hard…like you asked.”
Yeah…he’d begged for it, begged hard. He clenched his teeth for a moment, pondering. “I’ve never done that before. But…I was just in the moment. What you were doing felt awesome, and I just wanted more. It was intense, and it helped me focus past all the shit in my head, the stuff you’d think would be gone, and it kind of helped me let go. It felt…natural.”
Her voice was soft when she asked, “Do you want to try more stuff like that?”
He could get lost in her eyes, but before he did, he had something to say. “No, not necessarily. I just…want to be with you. Beyond that? I don’t give much of a shit.” And the look in those eyes of hers told him everything he’d ever need to know…that she was willing to take a chance on him too. And, with that, he was ready to make love to her again.
Chapter Twenty-four
IT WAS HARDER leading group now with Ethan there. There were so many reasons that made it harder. First was she just wanted to exclude everyone else and focus exclusively on her lover. But second was that, even when she was doing her job and doing it well, he was distracting. She had to force herself to focus. Finally, she was worried that all the other group members would be able to tell, and she was sure that would send her credibility plunging down the toilet.
As they eased into the evening, though, she was able to ascertain that no one could tell what was going on between her and Ethan, and that helped her relax. It didn’t remove the distraction factor, nor did it make her less inclined to want to focus only on him, but it made her less nervous about the trust and respect she’d earned from these folks.
Everyone in group that night seemed to be doing well. Yes, they all had struggles, but the folks who’d shown up this evening a
ll appeared to be conquering their demons. It was as though the earth had decided to smile upon all her inhabitants: they’d suffered enough, and now was their time to be rewarded.
Group ended, nothing melodramatic or painful having had occurred. It had been a nice session, even with several people delving into their pasts, trying to come up with solutions for their present. In fact, because of the general mood, Jenna was certain they were dealing with her questions better than usual. Or, perhaps, that was her perception based on her mood and that sensation of giddy lightness she’d been feeling.
No, group went well, and she was positive her cover hadn’t been blown. But when it was time to call it a night, Jay Bird hovered behind, something he did on occasion. Jay was a nice guy, he really was, but there would never be the spark he kept trying to ignite. Jenna wasn’t sure why he was going to try again, because she’d turned him down before. He was hanging back, stacking chairs with Ethan, while Jenna cleaned up the coffee area. And then she felt foolish about all her worry, because she overheard part of the men’s conversation. Jay was asking Ethan about his band, and Ethan deflected the question, saying he wasn’t sure what the future held. But then Jay asked him what he did to resist his temptations.
Maybe it was a good matchup, Jenna thought, feeling guilty for assuming Jay was hanging around for her. She kept cleaning up, and her thoughts wandered to the last few days. She could tell Ethan’s words were reassuring, something she wouldn’t have expected from someone as fragile as Ethan seemed to be sometimes, but he seemed stronger because he was able to help Jay just by offering some kind words and advice.
But when Jenna joined both men by the door, she felt awkward. She hadn’t explicitly asked Ethan to keep their relationship secret, but so far he seemed to just understand that without having to be told. Jay wasn’t leaving, though, and she was starting to wonder if she was going to have to give it away.
She tried to act casual, and—as she got close to them—she said, “Time to head out, fellas.”
Jay didn’t smile but said, “Can I talk to you for a few minutes before you hit the road?”
No. If it were something involving his recovery, sure, but she knew what he was going to ask. This happened every couple of months when he and his girlfriend were having problems, and he was due. Maybe she was wrong, though. “Yeah, sure.”
Ethan smiled and nodded his head. “Catch you later.”
Wow. While it made her sad that he was leaving, what he’d done was incredibly cool. “Yeah, see you, Ethan.” An act like that confirmed to her what he’d been saying all along…that he understood her. It felt a little eerie, but it was turning out to be true.
So…back to Jay. He maybe wanted to talk to her about struggles or something else, but anytime in the past he’d wanted to talk to her alone and she had the same feeling she had now, it was to make sure she hadn’t changed her mind about dating him. She hoped she was wrong this time.
“So, what’s up, Jay?”
He smiled, tentative. Oh, no. Not a good sign. “Jenna, I just want you to know I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, and I know you’ve said no before, but I wondered if you wanted to go to Elitch’s before summer’s over? Just as friends, you know?”
Oh, the poor guy. He was such a sweetheart deep down, but he didn’t seem to understand boundaries at all…not that she could talk, considering she and Ethan were together. It wasn’t different, was it? The only difference was that she and Ethan had some weird connection. She had to do this quickly, and it was going to have to be like ripping off a Band-Aid—super fast—so if it stung, it was over with before he knew it. “Oh, Jay, thank you for thinking of me, and I want you to know I do think of you as a friend. But…I’m seeing someone, and even if you and I just went as friends, he might not take it that way; you know what I mean?”
He frowned a little but nodded. “Yeah.”
It was something Jenna wouldn’t have normally done, but she knew Jay needed someone. He wasn’t needy, but he’d been independent for a while now, and Jenna could tell the guy was desperate to connect with someone. She got the feeling that he and his girlfriend weren’t friends. “What about your girlfriend?”
He looked at the floor. “We broke up last week.”
She nodded and frowned. Poor guy. “I don’t want to push you into something you’re not ready for, but have you considered asking one of the ladies in our group? I know they all really like you.”
He paused, blinking. “They do?”
“Yeah. You can’t tell?”
A small smile was growing on his face. “No. I don’t believe you.”
“Well, they do. Everyone here thinks you’re pretty special, Jay. That’s why they have a special nickname for you and no one else.”
“So who? Who likes me?”
Jenna grinned. She could tell this was a huge ego boost for Jay, something the guy needed. “I think I’ll let you figure that one out for yourself.”
He shook his head, still smiling. “Tease.”
“You know it. Now let’s get out of here. See you next week?”
Jay nodded and walked out the door with her. Once she was in her car, she considered calling Ethan, but she didn’t want to seem desperate, even though she was already wanting to spend every waking moment with him.
As she was walking up the stairs to her apartment a while later, though, he called, asking her if her conversation with Jay had turned out okay, and she assured him it had. “Should I have stayed behind? I thought maybe I shouldn’t, since you were still doing your job.”
“No, Ethan, that was fine. Good call. Thanks.”
“I thought about coming over to your place tonight and ravishing your body all night long, but I’m picking Chris up pretty early. Val lives in Golden, and I’ll be going through the morning rush, so…see you Sunday night or Monday?”
“Sounds great.” She knew she was going to miss him, but it was just a couple of days…and this was something she knew Ethan needed desperately. She was so glad he was going to have time with his son. She couldn’t remember, but she thought he’d said it had been months and months since he’d last seen him. She didn’t have kids of her own, but she knew that was far too long, and she didn’t want to get in the way. She knew he needed those alone moments, and she’d give them to him.
She didn’t know the last time, though, that just a couple of days looked like the longest wait ever.
Chapter Twenty-five
ETHAN PULLED HIS second vehicle—a car, more kid-friendly than his badass truck—up to the white house that he and Val had called home for few years until he left so she and Chris could continue to live there without him. He’d bought it after Fully Automatic’s first album had gone gold and he had more money than he’d ever had in his entire life. He had more cash than he could blow on all his vices, and so the first things he did were buy the house (and everything the house needed) and a car for Val. He’d also tried to talk Val into getting the throat surgery she needed, but Ethan was on tour at the time and she’d said she was worried about money. It would wait till later, she said. Money really was no longer an issue, but Val wouldn’t hear of it. They’d struggled too hard for too long, and she wanted to be sure they could afford it. And then she got pregnant and stopped worrying about her voice.
Ethan knew she missed it, though. She’d loved being in the band as much as he did. Val, being the poet of the group, started writing some seriously dark shit after that. Not being in the band fueled her writing and her dark side more than anything else ever had. So there was that. She also spent that time learning to play the guitar. She didn’t feel bad spending a little money on lessons, and Ethan was glad for that. Maybe, he thought, she’d be able to start another band, and she could be one of their guitarists instead of a vocalist. She already had the cred and she had connections, thanks to Fully Automatic. She got pregnant, though, and never mentioned it again.
It made him sad, but it fucked with his head too, and he’d never tell anyo
ne else. Now he truly was Val’s entire world, and that put more pressure on him. She’d constantly ask him to tell her all about a practice or writing session. She would sometimes come along, but more often than not, she’d spend her time fixing up their house or working outdoors. Ethan became her entire focus, and it just wasn’t working. So he’d come home, crack open a beer (or seven), and try to think of all the reasons why he loved her. She’d become so needy, though, and he tried to not let it get to him. He knew it was just because she really did love him back, and she was also trying to live through him…but it was so tough. So…he’d started cheating again. He needed to fuck someone who didn’t have a heavy emotional attachment to the act. Sure, there was some kink involved too. Nothing beat visiting a woman by going through her back door, but he never would have asked Val to do that, or asphyxiation, or anal beads, or any of the other flavors of sex he liked to experience on occasion. There were women who loved that, and they were even happier when they found out Ethan Richards, guitar god, was the one giving it to them.
And he knew she’d been faithful, in spite of the fact that there was something between her and Brad. The two of them denied it and he knew they’d never acted on it (aside from a lot of flirting and a few make out sessions), but it didn’t change the fact that the two of them loved each other. He would have thought, though, that Val’s marriage to Ethan would have ended their feelings for one another…but it hadn’t. It was somewhere during that time that Ethan knew he’d never be enough for her. She would always compare him to the guy who got away…and Ethan knew it. Even the H didn’t make it better. That was another dull ache to add to the mountain of pains he carried with him every day.
It didn’t hurt as badly anymore, though. It had at first…because Val and Brad had always seemed so inevitable to him. When he got out of rehab and discovered the two of them had just moved in together, it was like a punch in the gut…like they’d only been waiting for Val and Ethan to get their relationship out of their system so Val could be with the guy she really wanted. And, yeah, when Ethan thought about it hard, it still almost brought tears to his eyes. He would never in a million years ever admit it, though. Real men didn’t cry. They didn’t.
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