He’d been hoping to keep the mood light, but because Gracie was a good friend, of course she wouldn’t let it stay there. Once the waiter had left their table, she said, “So what’s going on with your girlfriend?”
Nick hoped his face wouldn’t give shit away. “What do you mean?”
“You know exactly what I mean. One second, you’re on cloud nine, and the next, you look like you’re ready to jump off the nearest bridge. What the hell kind of hold does that woman have over you, Nick?”
He shrugged, hoping he looked casual. “She doesn’t.”
“Really.” The waiter brought their drinks, and Gracie held her hands to the side of the tea cup for a moment to warm her fingers. Then she sat up straight. “Does this look familiar?” She put a huge cheesy grin on her face and looked all around the room, pretending to make eye contact with other people, and then she stared Nick in the eye, the silly smile still attached, and she began wiggling her eyebrows up and down. She then lowered her voice, a poor imitation of Nick, but he still knew she was poking fun at him. “I’m so in love. I just got laid. I’ve got it bad.”
He was pissed at himself that he was finding her amusing. “I’m not that bad.”
“Like hell you’re not.” She took a sip of her tea. “You knew I was pretending to be you. What’s that tell you?” He rolled his eyes. “Okay, now, this is just a couple of hours later.” Again, she lowered her voice, but this time she frowned and the downturn of her lips was exaggerated, as though she were a little kid pouting. “Oh, woe is me. She doesn’t love me back. I feel like I’m gonna die.”
Nick sighed and shook his head again. “Aw, c’mon, Gracie. You know I’m not that bad.” She stared at him. “Whatever.”
“Okay, so you’re not that bad, but trust me when I tell you you’re pretty pathetic. I’ve never seen you wear your heart on your sleeve so much.”
Time to come clean. He took a deep breath, trying to figure out how to tell Gracie what was on his mind, and then he realized he just had to say it as best he could. She was his best friend. She probably already knew. “Have you ever been in love?”
Gracie’s eyes grew wistful, as though Nick had cut open an old wound. “Yeah, actually.” She took a deep breath. “Do you love Sabrina?”
“Yeah, I do…but what sucks the most is I don’t think she loves me back…or she does love me back, but she doesn’t love me as much as I love her. Or she doesn’t know how to love.”
He could tell from Gracie’s facial expression that she was holding back. That was probably okay, because he didn’t want to hear anything negative. “I can’t answer that, Nick, because I really don’t know her. I don’t think she likes me very much.” Nick shrugged again, not sure how to answer, but she continued talking. “That doesn’t matter, though. A lot of women get freaky when their boyfriend has a good friend who’s a woman. They don’t get how that works. I think they think it means we might accidentally sleep together.”
Nick watched Grace’s face go from pale to bright pink in seconds, and he couldn’t help but burst into laughter. “Maybe they’re right.”
She shook her head. “Okay, that was dumb. Sorry. But that would never have happened if you’d been dating her then. I promise.”
He couldn’t help but continue ribbing her. “What makes you so sure of that?”
Gracie stammered and then said, “I just know.” She took another sip of her tea and continued. “But here’s the point I’ve been trying to make. Nick, she’s got your heart and guts all twisted up in knots. You’re—I’ve never seen you this torn up before. She gets under your skin and rips you to shreds.”
“Isn’t that how love’s supposed to work? Isn’t it supposed to make you feel inside out, upside down?”
“Yeah, but in a good way.” She shook her head and looked away, towards the kitchen doors. Nick knew it wasn’t that she was impatient for the food, but she was collecting her thoughts. Her eyes connected with his again once she knew what she wanted to say. “You seem miserable, Nick. Like earlier…when you went to wake her up. I didn’t hear any of what either of you actually said, but you sounded hurt and angry and it sounded like she was blowing you off.”
Oh, she’d done way more than blow him off, but he wasn’t going to tell Gracie that. He felt like he would somehow be betraying Brina by even allowing Gracie to talk about her, and Nick wasn’t going to say anything negative about his girlfriend. Yeah, she had issues, but they’d work through them. He also understood Gracie’s concerns—as his best friend, she was worried about him. “Gracie, you’re so goddamned sweet. I appreciate that you care for me and you want to make sure I don’t get hurt, but everything’s fine, okay? Brina and I…we still have lots of weird hurdles to get over. You know I’ve never been serious about a woman—ever—so she has to adjust to me not having a clue about what she wants or needs in our relationship, and she…well, I think she’s still getting over Monica.”
“Who’s Monica?”
“Her ex-girlfriend. And this whole trip’s been tough on her. She’s never been on tour before, never played in front of crowds this big, never had to be away from home this long. It’s all new to her, and I’m trying to give her the support she needs.” He patted Gracie’s hand. “Thanks for worrying about me, Gracie. It means a lot to me. Yeah, I have some guy friends, but I’ve told you shit I’d never tell them. You and I have shared some times I would never have been able to share with them. We’ve done a lot of things together that guys just don’t do. Anyway, the point is I know where you’re coming from and I appreciate it. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
She smiled, but it looked like a sad smile. Still…he’d said what she needed to hear. She needed to know he wasn’t going to give up on Brina just because of one grouchy moment…or two. Part of him wanted to ask Gracie what she thought of the weird texting Brina was doing, but she was being a possessive, worrisome friend, and he didn’t need to give her more fuel for her fire.
He might talk to Brad about it, get some solid guy advice, but in the meantime, he was going to put on a happy face. The waiter arrived just in time with their food and Nick said, “You hungry?”
He could tell she was lying when she said yes, but at least he was finally able to change the subject.
Chapter Eighteen
AFTER CALLING A cab—first having stopped at Starbucks to get Gracie the hot cocoa he’d promised—he asked that they stop by a liquor store before heading back, and then he tried and failed to give good directions back to the bus. Fortunately, Gracie was able to tell the driver where to go and then, after Nick got a bottle of Wild Turkey, they headed back.
He knew she had more on her mind, but Gracie was nothing if not smart. She understood today would be a bad day to continue talking, so she kept her trap shut.
Nick started drinking while they were still in the cab, and he knew that was part of why he overtipped the cabbie. But the guy had been driving in snow and he’d dealt with Nick’s shitty directions without getting impatient. The guy deserved a decent tip.
He was in no mood to deal with Sabrina’s bullshit right now, though. What had driven him mad before they’d gotten together was the same thing that was making him crazy now—her temperature fluctuations that seemed to have no rhyme or reason, but especially the fact that she seemed to prefer the lower side of the thermometer. Now that he was falling for her hard, he didn’t know how to handle his emotions when it came to her.
So he was going to drink.
And maybe, just maybe, he’d get his buddy Brad to have a drink with him as well, and he could ask him what he thought of Brina’s bizarre and secretive texting behavior.
By the time the cabbie dropped them off next to their bus, Nick had downed the equivalent of what he estimated to be five shots. Yeah, he was feeling good. His legs tried to be wobbly, but he managed to walk a straight line. Even so, he was happy again, and he didn’t give much of a shit if it was liquor happy as opposed to reality happy. He was feeling great,
and even bitchy Brina couldn’t stop that.
When they walked in the bus, Nick hugged Gracie tightly, probably too tight based on the sound she made before he let go, and he said, “I love you. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.”
“Yeah, and you’re already drunk, Nick.”
“Bullshit. I meant it.”
She laughed. “Yeah, tell me in the morning. I need to see if Val needs help with the kids.” As she walked down the hall, though, Brad, Val, and the kids were walking toward the front, and she came back.
“We’re getting a bite now.”
Val asked, “Can you come with, Gracie? If not, no problem.”
“No, I don’t mind.” She looked at Nick. “Are you safe here by yourself?”
He laughed again. What was he supposed to say—that it was dangerous for him to drink alone?
Even if it was?
Hell, no. He wasn’t going to say a word.
Brad said, “Vince is coming with us too.”
It took Nick a second to realize he was talking about the bus driver, the quiet guy who managed to take them from town to town without making a big deal about it. So he nodded and tucked the bottle in his jacket, away from the kids’ eyes. He hoped he wasn’t too late.
He also resisted the urge to ask about Sabrina. He had to not care about where she was. He knew her well enough by now to know that she’d show up when she was good and ready.
He asked, “You should have said something. We could have had our cab wait for you.”
“We had five—and now we have six—people along for the ride. They’re sending a van for us.” Val walked over to Nick. “Do you want to come with us?”
He smiled. He was sure his eyes were already bloodshot. He knew his muscles were relaxed, just what he’d needed. No, he didn’t need more food. He needed more liquor. “Thanks, Val, but I just ate.”
He noticed the relief in Val’s eyes but appreciated that she wasn’t going to make a big deal out of it. He heard Brad say, “They’re here.” He looked down at Chris while scooping Hayley up in his arms. “Hold on to mom’s hand, okay? It’s slick out there.”
“It’s snowing?”
Brad nodded while Chris made a sound of glee. Nick winked at Chris and watched as they all walked out, one by one. Vince must have been in the front of the bus and just gotten out that way, because Nick hadn’t seen the man since the day before.
He pulled off his jacket and threw it on the couch, and then he sat at the table. He was trying to decide if he wanted to put in a DVD or if he just wanted to drink…alone…a sad and dangerous proposition. He knew himself too well and knew it was a rotten idea.
He pulled his phone out of his jeans pocket and decided that, with the internet, one was never alone, including him, and he pulled up his Twitter account. He hadn’t been on there in a couple of weeks. He had a hard time keeping up with all his social media accounts and had considered having his assistant help or, at the very least, hire a PR firm to deal with that shit. He liked playing around with them when he felt like it (like now, three sheets to the wind), but he didn’t like the idea of having to do something on them daily or weekly. That took all the fun out of it.
He typed on his keyboard (correcting twice, knowing it was only half autocorrect’s fault) to tweet: Hey, everybody. Nick in the house. I’m drunk as a fucken skunk. Any questions for me?
And then he waited for the interaction to begin. Every once in a while, he’d post and ask for more questions, trying to answer as many as he could in an hour, but he hadn’t done that in a while. Answering questions while feeling loopy might make for a fun evening.
It would definitely keep his mind off you-know-who.
His phone began vibrating as the questions started to roll in, reminding him that he had fans who loved his work. That alone make him feel better. Brina had no idea what she was missing. But as he started to focus on the screen, trying to see through the Wild Turkey haze, he saw a shadow to the right of him and realized someone was moving down the hall toward him.
Yes, it was his girlfriend.
No, she didn’t look pissed. For a change.
And, once more, Nick was without words. He really didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to tell her she’d hurt him. He didn’t want to sound or act like a pussy. By the same token, he didn’t want her to do that shit to him. He was a good guy, and he wished she would appreciate him.
She didn’t say one word and simply continued walking toward him. The look on her face wasn’t atypical, but he couldn’t read it. It was neutral, if Brina was able to pull that off, and she stood in front of him for a few moments.
Was she asking for forgiveness?
She was wearing one of those tight, short skirts she was going to become famous for, and she straddled his lap, sitting on him so she faced him. Goddammit. No matter how his heart felt, his loins were definitely perking up, wanting to get friendly with his girlfriend, and his dick didn’t give much of a shit if she’d been nasty earlier that day or not.
She adjusted herself, making it hard for him to ignore her. He was not going to be the first one to talk. She needed to apologize and, until she did, he wasn’t going to say anything.
She wasn’t going to, though. She licked his bottom lip and then sucked it into her mouth, and he tried hard not to respond, but the liquor had weakened his defenses. His muscles, his nerves, his core were all responding, so it didn’t matter what Nick’s logical mind wanted to do. His body was going to do as it damn well pleased, and it was more than content to have Sabrina rock its socks off.
Yeah, just as he’d suspected, his cock was filling with blood, no matter what his intentions. By the time he realized what he was doing, he’d dropped his phone on the table and his tongue was in her mouth, his fist wrapped in her hair, and he was kissing her aggressively, wanting to fuck her the same way. She moaned then and ground her crotch against him, making his cock grow harder, needing her right this second.
He felt her fingers on his zipper, her fingernails digging into his flesh as she pulled his underwear down and fished out his cock, and he was inside her before he had another thought. He felt love and forgiveness wash over him, and it wasn’t until he was holding her close afterward, kissing her neck and breathing in her scent, that he realized he wasn’t wearing a condom.
Still, he held her tight to himself. He was overcome with something heavy…and talking about the possibilities that could arise from recklessness would have to wait.
* * *
Nick and Brina curled up in her bunk, holding each other, and quite some time had passed—the rest of the gang hadn’t returned, but Nick was worried that they would before he found a chance to say all the things he needed to say. When he finally landed on some words, he grabbed them and said, “Bri, I don’t know what you were doing this afternoon or any of the other times that you’ve acted strange when I’ve come up to you and you act cold and secretive. It’s probably nothing, but you make me feel like you’re hiding something and…” He just couldn’t bring himself to tell her how much it hurt. He was beginning to realize that he didn’t fully trust her, and telling her she was hurting him seemed to be like giving ammunition to the enemy. She might use it against him in the future, and he didn’t want to take that chance.
Her answer wasn’t reassuring. “I don’t feel like I should have to share everything with you, Nick.”
“I didn’t ask you to. And that’s fine if you don’t want to. But…you don’t have to act like a bitch.”
“I am a bitch.”
He couldn’t think of what to say to that, so they lay there for several more silent minutes. Nick wasn’t sure what to do. Maybe simply letting her know it bothered him would help her realize her behavior was destructive. Then he said, “We didn’t use a condom. I should have stopped you.”
“For fuck’s sake, Nick. I wouldn’t have done it if I’d been worried. I’m clean, and I’ve been with you long enough to know you’re clean, and I wanted you ri
ght there and then. I didn’t have a condom.”
“I did. I had my wallet in my back pocket.”
“Yeah…and imagine how the moment would have gone if I’d stood up and asked you to grab one out.”
“Two seconds’ inconvenience—better than a lifetime with a baby neither of us is ready for.”
“My period starts next week. I won’t get pregnant. Will you stop worrying already?”
He couldn’t, but he didn’t say another word. He felt her fall asleep after a while and then everyone else returned from dinner. He heard them talking about how much snow was falling outside, but he felt just as cold in his heart.
He loved Sabrina. He didn’t know if she loved him back, and that didn’t necessarily matter. What did matter was when he tried to picture the future…it seemed bleak. What if they had made a kid tonight? He tried to imagine what kind of parents they would be. He liked the idea of being a dad, but he couldn’t envision Brina as a mom, no matter how hard he tried. He couldn’t imagine them as a married couple, either, nor could he see them in his head as a doting mother and father of a child.
For some reason, it made him think about his own parents.
So it didn’t matter how cold it was outside—it was snowing in his heart, and that was a worse place to be.
Chapter Nineteen
THEY WERE SOMEWHERE in Seattle…and it was sometime in March, sometime before Brad’s birthday. Nick had lost all sense of time. He could feel spring in the air, but being away from Colorado made it harder to gauge the change in seasons.
He and Sabrina were still as hot as ever in bed, but he’d noticed that he was guarding his heart more. What sucked was that, for a couple of days, he’d been thinking about the possibility that Brina might be pregnant. What if she was—could he be a father? A good one, like Brad? Like he’d even seen Ethan become over the past year? He knew he would love the child, but he seriously doubted Brina’s ability to be a mother. Then again, some women just needed that push—to be filled with their child—and then they figured out how to be a good mom. Maybe pregnancy and motherhood would do that to his girlfriend.
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