But she’d offered up Saturday night…and her heart felt light and expectant, even while her mind was worried that she’d made a grave mistake.
Fortunately, Kara agreed to watch Zoe again, saying that she “had no life.” On Saturday afternoon, Zane called. “So…let’s do dinner too. Or a movie. Not just ice cream.”
Kara had already told her she would be available for as long as she needed, so that wasn’t a problem. “So which will it be—dinner or a movie?”
“How about dinner? I can’t talk to you during a movie.”
“Well, you could…but other viewers might get a little irritated.”
Zane laughed. “Depends on what I was talking about.”
“Maybe we should do the movie. It’s harder to fight if we’re not talking.”
She heard Zane laugh again before he said, “You still living in the same apartment? Want me to come by around seven?”
Oh, hell, no. She wasn’t ready to introduce him to his daughter. “Um…where do you want to go? I’ll meet you.”
The line was silent for several seconds. “You afraid I won’t take you home if things go south?”
“I never said that.”
She could tell he was trying to hide the emotion, but he couldn’t do a good job keeping the disappointment out of his voice. “Didn’t have to. How about Mexican food this time? That go better with ice cream?”
* * *
Jesus. Jen seemed cagier than she’d ever been in the past. Zane tried to remember if their last breakup had been particularly worse or more traumatic than any other before, but he couldn’t see how. Jennifer had been angry with him about his lifestyle; they’d argued and fought; they’d decided to remain friends.
The usual.
But, damn…he remembered the sex being better than ever. What the hell was up with that?
He tried not to let it hurt—and, in most ways, it didn’t—but if she was going to give him one last chance, he wanted her in all the way, not just half assed.
So they met at the Mexican restaurant, and he hoped he could at least talk her into letting him drive them to the ice cream shop. It all just felt a little weird—like they were strangers now or something. But he was going to take what he could get. If all Jen could give him was a little time…he was going to take it. He wasn’t going to be a whiny bitch, wondering when she would feel like she could trust him again.
Because truth was he could understand why she was keeping her distance. Yeah, his dumb ass brain tried to block it all out, wanted to believe he was a loveable, even if shitty, boyfriend, but he knew the facts…and, when he examined them closely, he knew Jen had every right to be cautious.
He would take whatever she was willing to give, even if that meant they were taking it slow…because the more he thought about it, the more he realized that, more than ever, he wanted to become a permanent fixture in her life—and, if he was going to be around for good, an extra week or so to trust Zane would be acceptable in the grand scheme of things.
The nerves, though…he was feeling pretty anxious, more than usual, and he felt the call of the booze and the pills—but no way could he give in. No fucking way. He had a lot of demons he had to fight, and the booze and pills were no longer ways to cope with the demons…they were the demons. He had to move past them…or else he needed to just give in—and give up.
So he took a deep breath and splashed cool water on his face before moving to the closet to figure out what to wear. He thought she might appreciate it some if he wore a button-down shirt with jeans, something a little dressier than his usual fare.
He grabbed a light blue one, something he thought looked almost like something a guy in business would wear (which he knew Jen might be more used to nowadays), but he stood in the walk-in closet trying to decide if he should wear jeans or something else…and then he decided he probably shouldn’t even wear a button-down shirt to his favorite Mexican restaurant. He was having a hell of a time concentrating and making a decision…
Probably because he knew in the back of his mind that he was slipping into his old ways.
He tried to push the thought out again when he felt hands slither around his waist. He was almost startled, especially because he hadn’t heard her walking on the carpet with her tiny little feet.
And he thought he’d already kicked her ass out.
“Zane? Want another hummer?”
He couldn’t remember her name, not that it mattered, and he was tempted to call her whore, but he was already feeling shitty and low again. Calling her names so she felt bad about herself would only reverberate through him and bring him lower too. Better to just stick with the facts. “I gotta go—and you should already be gone.”
“Just a quick one,” she said, kissing his back and raking her nails down his torso until she grazed the top of his underwear.
And his damn cock was considering responding. “No, I have to go. Find your clothes and get the hell out of here.”
She was insistent, moving around to his front and dropping to her knees, tugging on his underwear with her teeth. “I’ll make it fast,” she said, and feeling her breath on the sensitive skin over his waistband gave away that his cock was ready for some action, even if his brain wasn’t.
Fucking A. He had no willpower, especially thanks to the Special K he’d consumed earlier. Guess that counted as a mind-altering substance…
As the blonde’s mouth wrapped around his thickening shaft, he tried to block it all out, how he’d already started sauntering back down that primrose path. He knew—knew from experience—that all it took was one…one pill, one shot, one blowjob for him to fall off the wagon. He’d just told a counselor that at rehab a few weeks ago: “I know that. Don’t you think I fucking know that?”
Knowing and abstaining were two entirely disconnected things. And, even though he knew, he was thinking “Just this once” as he tried to block the date with Jen later out of his mind, and it barely even registered that the girl moaning around his cock looked an awful lot like the woman he considered the love of his life, the one he’d be meeting for dinner in a few short hours.
Chapter Nine
“OH, ZANE, THIS place is amazing. Why haven’t I ever heard of it before?”
Zane smiled at Jennifer, and she loved how that smile lit up his eyes. In this light, she could almost see him as nineteen again, when they were just stupid kids too young to fall in love and yet too idealistic not to be able to resist. This, yes, this was the boy—the man—she’d fallen in love with. Charming, sweet, happy.
She knew some about his dark childhood, what little he’d been able to talk about, but she also knew that he’d managed to get over it, unlike his friend and then roommate (now bandmate) Ethan. Ethan had once worn his demons like a cloak—anyone who spent any time in the guy’s aura could see that he was a complete and utter train wreck…but he had charisma out the wazoo and people loved him in spite of it.
Including her best friend Valerie.
But Jen couldn’t understand why everyone put up with so much shit from Ethan, even with his powers of charm. A cheating asshole, no matter how charismatic and irresistible, was still a cheating asshole.
Zane, though…if they could just get past the constant bickering, he would be the ideal mate.
No, she was lying to herself. There was more to it than that. The bickering often stemmed from his other issues, problems she always tried to block out when she once again wanted to make it work.
Crap. She was just like Valerie.
But wasn’t Zane different from Ethan? She knew Zane had struggled off and on with addiction and he had other similar vices…but Zane was a good guy, right? Wasn’t Ethan an egotistical asshole? Wasn’t that what made his crimes so unforgivable?
She cleared her mind, trying to focus on the positive. Jennifer knew Zane had recently gone through rehab again, and her hope was that this was the last time. If he could kick his addictions, she knew—just knew—he could overcome all his other woes.<
br />
She wanted it to work.
Needed it to work.
Not just for his sake, but for her sake.
For Zoe’s sake.
Zane’s child needed her father, but no way was Jennifer going to risk letting him into their lives as her child’s dad without knowing for certain if he was reformed for good.
Zane started speaking, breaking her out of her consuming thoughts. “I can tell you exactly why. Three reasons.” She raised her eyebrows as he raised his index finger. “One, it’s almost downtown, and I know you avoid downtown like the plague. If I recall, you said something about rather losing a limb than walk the Sixteenth Street Mall again.”
“I said that?”
“Yeah.”
“Well…maybe that was a little drastic.”
“Yeah, probably.” He lifted the bottle of Dos Equis and then said, “Two, it’s a little hole in the wall. It doesn’t advertise like some of the bigger restaurants—no billboards, no newspaper ads, shit like that.”
Jennifer nodded. “Okay, yeah. And what’s number three?”
Zane leaned over the table and whispered. “It’s kind of a dive.” Jennifer couldn’t help but giggle. “But in a good way.”
She laughed out loud at that. “Yeah, definitely.” She picked up a chip and dipped it in the warm queso next to Zane’s bottle. “The food is amazing so far.”
“Just wait.”
The waiter came by with a pitcher. “More water, señorita?”
“Please.” After the waiter was back on his way, she said to Zane, “I love it. I love the people and I even love that stupid TV in the corner.”
Zane glanced over. “Yeah, well…”
“No, seriously. They don’t have the sound on, but it somehow makes it feel like home in here, you know? Lights and movement, but the sounds are coming from the kitchen and some weird soundtrack.”
Zane breathed through his nose, putting on a look of mock horror and said, “What if it’s our soundtrack?”
“What do you mean?”
“What if this is our movie? A movie about our lives…and that’s the soundtrack?”
“Three things.”
Zane grinned. “What?”
“One…if this is our movie, it’s pretty damn boring. No car chases, no sex scenes, no snappy dialogue—”
“Says who? My dialogue’s plenty snappy.”
“Two, the soundtrack sucks.”
“Well, don’t be telling them that.”
“And…I don’t have a three. I guess just two.”
A smirk covered Zane’s face. “And we can take care of the sex scene later.”
Jennifer felt her cheeks grow warm. Damn it. She should have seen that coming—she’d set him up for that one. “Um…”
“What? You want to do the car chase first? I’m up for that.”
Jennifer burst out laughing. Yes, this was the Zane she’d missed. He was a lot more relaxed and happy tonight than he’d been the other night. Then again, she probably was too. She started dipping another chip when she heard the waiter beside her again. “Chicken enchiladas for the señorita and a steak burrito for señor.” He slid the hot plates in front of them with oven mitts before saying, “Can I get you anything else right now?”
Both Jennifer and Zane shook their heads to indicate that they were fine but then Zane said, “Actually, I could use another cervesa.”
“Coming right up, señor. Señorita?”
“No, I’m good. Thank you.” She didn’t dare drink. Zoe had gotten her up early this morning, and it would just take one drink to make her sleepy enough to pass out—and she actually wanted to enjoy Zane’s company tonight…which meant there would be no drinking. At least not on her part.
“More agua?”
“No, I have plenty. Thanks.”
The waiter left to get Zane’s beer and Jennifer said, “Wow. This smells incredible.” Spicy and hot but with some delicate flavors underneath, all wafting up to her nose and making her salivate.
“Just wait till you bite into it. Then you’ll know I didn’t choose this place for its stunning ambience…not to downplay the effect of that TV, mind you.”
She giggled again. Yes, this was the date she’d wanted with Zane. So far, it had been absolutely perfect…and it reminded her once again why she loved him to the depths of her soul.
* * *
Using again…already, and what was worse was that he’d tried to lie to himself about it, as if pretending he wasn’t swallowing some goddamned pills made it real. But once he admitted the truth, Zane couldn’t deny the effects drugs and alcohol had on his personality. He was more relaxed, more himself. What the fuck did that even mean about who he was at his core?
He didn’t know, but there was no denying the fact that he and Jennifer were getting along better tonight than the awkward date earlier in the week—and the only difference, aside from food choice and location, was the fact that he was flying. There was no denying it.
He’d jumped in the shower after the blonde had gotten him off again and, before heading to meet Jen, had called his guy—the guy who had just about any pill every manufactured, and Zane always had plenty of money for whatever he decided he wanted. His guy had shown up with the smorgasbord Zane had demanded, and Zane had picked a light cocktail to get his head swimming and his body feeling light.
He was feeling great by the time he met the woman who’d always set his heart pumping.
Man, if they could get along this well all the time, they’d be perfect. They would never break up.
He knew it always started like this but maybe, just maybe, they could make it past the point of no return this time and find some kind of permanent bliss.
They’d eaten most of the food in front of them and Jennifer set down her fork. “Holy cow. I’m done. I can’t eat another bite.”
“No?”
“Nope. I’m full.”
“But we have ice cream next.”
She giggled and shook her head. “I’m sorry, Zane. I just don’t have any room.”
“Well, you might later,” he said, setting the fork on his now-empty plate. He wasn’t quite sure how he’d eaten all that food, but he wasn’t going to question it. “Maybe we need to work some dinner off first and then get ice cream when we’re hungry again.”
“Work some of it—?” Her cheeks turned pink then, and he couldn’t tell thanks to the dim lighting in the place. No, he knew because he knew Jennifer.
She’d gotten the message.
“Yeah, like old times.” He could feel his right eyebrow cocked and he probably had a knowing smirk on his face. That was okay. She used to like that. “After the car chase, if you want.”
She didn’t laugh this time. He saw her swallow before she pursed her lips and grabbed the glass of water in front of her. “Do you really think that’s a good idea?”
He needed to push forward. “Why wouldn’t it be, Jen? We know each other like the back of our hands and I’m still as attracted to you as ever.”
She looked down at the table. “We’ve both changed so much.”
Maybe a little—but she made it sound like they’d both done one-eighties. She was lying to him and herself if she really believed that. “Change is inevitable, babe, but I think you’re exaggerating.”
She opened her mouth, acting like she was going to say something, and then she finally brought the glass up to her lips and sipped, and it seemed like an eternity as she took down one small swallow after another. He started finding it distracting, because watching her throat move brought him straight back to his original suggestion.
When she set the glass back on the table, she said, “I can’t speak to your situation, Zane, but I can tell you about mine…and I have changed a lot.”
Zane blinked and shook his head. This—yes, what he was about to say—would likely drive them to a full-blown argument, just like the good old days, but he couldn’t not say anything. “Really?” She raised her eyebrows in challenge. “Ser
iously, Jen? You think that? First off, just looking at your outward appearance, you still have that gorgeous long blonde hair. You’re not old and wrinkly. You haven’t gotten fat or hairy and you don’t have a bunch of moles growing out of your face.” Instead of smiling at his joke, Jennifer’s brow knotted further and her frown deepened…but he wasn’t done, not by a long shot. “You’re still amazingly beautiful and hot and sexy—and I still want you. But let’s talk instead about where most real change happens, and that’s inside. Are you really so different? Do you have different values? Have you flipped your ideas and beliefs about the world? I’m calling bullshit right now. You still enjoy and love the same things you used to. You’re still bullheaded but sweet. I bet you still love kitten pictures and the sound of thunderstorms. I know you still have a great sense of humor and strong work ethic. Tell me what’s changed so damn much about you, Jennifer, that you feel like we shouldn’t spend more time together.”
She was looking at him with eyes wide open, and he couldn’t quite read her. She looked a little pissed, yeah, nothing new—and, frankly, something that turned him on and would until the fighting became incessant. But there was also something else there, something he couldn’t pinpoint. “I don’t know that I’m ready to tell you any of that, Zane. Maybe that’s part of what’s changed about me too—I’m not as open as I used to be.”
“I think that’s normal, Jen. We tend to pull more into ourselves as we grow.” Well, it was that way with him. When he thought back over how open and honest the two of them used to be with each other compared to all the shit he hid from her now—well, maybe it was night and day. He knew from past experience that he couldn’t just tell her anything. She’d lose her shit and likely just not get it. It wasn’t worth the drama that followed.
But that didn’t mean he didn’t want to be with her or near her. It didn’t mean he didn’t want to spend time with her or reignite what had once been.
Instead, it meant he was guarding himself. And he had every right to do so.
Bullet Series Box Set Books 1-8 Page 164
