Which meant he’d understand my need for vengeance.
I decided to take a risk. “Ronan, I found something. Something crazy.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
“Crazy?” Ronan looked thrown by the strange direction the conversation had taken. “What have you been up to, Annelise?”
“Nothing,” I protested instantly. Must he always think the worst of me? “I was on the cliffs, near where Trinity—”
“What were you doing on the cliffs?” he interrupted angrily.
“I wasn’t doing anything bad.” I rolled my eyes, but he’d narrowed his. “Okay, fine, nothing that bad. Anyway, I found some runes, like old Viking graffiti. I took a rubbing and translated them.”
I paused, waiting for him to look impressed, but apparently it took a lot more than that to impress Ronan, so I went straight for the punch line. “The runes read: Sonja, ruler of vampires.” I gave a weighty pause. “Like there’d once been a woman.” Another weighty pause, this time with brows raised. “In charge.”
He only nodded quietly.
Nodded.
“What do you mean?” I mimicked his nod. “Did you already know that?”
“No…not that specifically. Not Sonja. But I’ve had…suspicions.”
“Suspicions? What on earth would make you suspect that? I mean, this is huge, Ronan, and you suspected, and you didn’t tell me? Or anyone,” I quickly amended, because really, why would he have told me anything?
“I said I suspected. I didn’t say that I knew.”
“What made you suspect?” I demanded.
“I can’t say.” He shrugged, looking uncomfortable. “It’s merely that the…nature of things strikes me as suspect. I told you before, I don’t know anything.”
“Can’t say, or won’t?” I was too frustrated to give him a chance to answer and waved it away. “Whatever with your nature of things.”
“The keep is the realm of vampires and Trainees only,” he protested. “The knowledge, theirs only.”
Carden could’ve found out. There’d been a day when Carden would’ve found out for me. Now more than ever I needed my vampire here. The thought made me cold. I realized the freezing ground was leaching my heat, sending aching tendrils up my spine. I tried not to care—I could no longer afford it.
I scowled, plucking at the grass around me. “I bet the vamps don’t even tell the Trainees everything. I mean, I sure wouldn’t. So many of those guys are such knuckleheads.” I couldn’t imagine kids like Danny or Rob being entrusted with all the Ancient Secrets of Vampire. The Robbies of the world would never flourish into Alcántaras, no matter how much blood they consumed.
If his response to my Sonja translation surprised me, then this next bit floored me. Because instead of scolding me as usual and treating me like a child, he said, “If I tell you something, the one thing that is known outside the castle, do you promise to give up this quest of yours?”
My heart skipped a beat. “I promise to consider it. Now, what thing?” I edged closer, lowering my voice. “You have to tell me. What goes on in there?”
He angled his head to meet my eyes, and crap, I’d scooted a little too close. But he didn’t seem to notice. He simply continued quietly. “I don’t know much, but I’ve heard the villagers speak of a ritual.” He hesitated, and for once I didn’t press him. It took everything I had to keep quiet and let him come to the conclusion that I was mature enough, trustworthy enough, to share things with. He seemed to make some decision and finally—finally—he spoke again, and when he did, it was as though something shifted between us. Maybe it was because of Carden’s departure, or my ascension to Initiate, or maybe it was simply the waves of raw misery wafting off me—but all of a sudden he was treating me more like a peer than a student. “There’s a holiday. In the old religion, it marked midwinter, a celebration of the end of the yule season. On the Anglo-Saxon calendar, it was called Antonsmas.”
“You’re trying to tell me the vampires still celebrate it?”
“Those who hail from these parts would’ve celebrated it as men. Whether as Antonsmas, or the more modern festival we call Up Helly Aa.”
I’d heard of such things before, how Pagan holidays became modernized into Christian ones, but I’d never heard of this one. “What the heck is heely-yah?”
“Up Helly Aa,” he corrected. “The folk of the Northern Isles see it as an ode to their Viking ancestors. Traditionally, it’s a night of fire and boisterousness.”
“You mean they like to get drunk and burn things,” I clarified.
He gave me one of those Ronan smiles, one of the rare ones where the corners of his eyes crinkled in a way that said he’d thought he might never smile again yet here he was, surprised by one. “Something like that.”
I glanced out to sea, marveling. “And you think the vampires like to party, too?”
“I think they like to party, too, yes.”
I dusted off my hands, suddenly feeling very chipper. “Well, I can’t miss that.”
The magic broke the moment I said it. “You most certainly can miss that,” he snapped. “You promised you’d give up this silliness if I told you.”
So much for the shift between us—we were back to grumpy Ronan scolding the misbehaving Annelise. “I promised to consider it.” Before he could dive into the rant I read on his face, I quickly added, “There must be some way to spy on them. Think about it. You said you’d heard about this in the village, but how do they know about it? I’ll tell you how. The vampires can’t hold a whole celebration by themselves. They need cooks and cleaners and launderers and…I don’t know…. What else do you need for a party? Whatever it is, they need them. I mean, they won’t even stoop to driving their own cars—you can’t tell me they’ll be the ones tapping the kegs.”
He’d gone ice cold. “You will not be finding out who is tapping their kegs,” he said, enunciating each word.
I watched his face for a moment, trying to figure out my strategy. I couldn’t do this alone—or at least I didn’t want to. But how to get Ronan on my team? He’d already said enough to prove to me he was more on my side than on theirs. He might not be willing to help me—yet—but I sensed somewhere deep down, he probably wanted to take the vampires down as much as I did.
“Listen,” I said. “I think there’s a way.”
“There’s no way.”
“Would you please listen?” I leaned over, shoving him with my shoulder, and just that brief brush of my arm against his made my skin buzz. I edged away the tiniest bit in an effort to focus. “I’ve gotten one step closer to the inner circle,” I said, using my best serious professional voice.
“Inner circle? What are you talking about?” His expression went slack. “You best not be telling me you’re getting involved with the Directorate.”
I waved that thought away. “Oh God, nothing like that. I met with Alcántara, and he’s thinking about taking me on as his TA.”
Ronan’s features contracted to life, and he looked angry. “His TA?”
“You know, like a teacher’s assistant.”
“What are you doing?”
With an innocent smile, I joked, “Don’t you mean, what am I thinking?”
But this time, he didn’t so much as crack a smile.
“Fine,” I said. “I know I’m treading on dangerous ground—”
“Deadly ground.”
“Okay, I’m treading on some badass ground. But I need to do this, Ronan. I’ve got nothing to lose.”
“I do,” he said, his voice tight.
He shifted, angling his body toward me, and I automatically shifted to face him. I was ready for battle, expecting to face off with Ronan’s anger, but what I saw instead floored me. His face was mere inches from mine, wrenched with worry and something else…something that looked like longing.
“Don’t do this,” he said. “I cannot lose you. I’ve lost too much already.”
I tried to swallow, but it was like I’d forgotten how to op
erate my throat. He was saying that he didn’t want to lose another friend—right? Because it wasn’t like we had a thing. He knew about Carden. Ronan and I were just buddies. And even if there were no Carden, why would a guy like him ever be interested in me? No, surely I wasn’t sensing what I thought I was sensing. He’d told me once how I reminded him of his dead sister, and there was nothing less romantic than that. He had brotherly feelings for me; that was all.
Right?
I had to look away and glanced down instead, which unfortunately had me staring at his hands, fisted on his crossed legs, clenched tightly enough that I could make out the ropes of tendons and veins in the moonlight. I looked at those hands and remembered his touch as he’d so gently wrapped my injured wrist.
Gently and without his powers.
He could’ve used his powers now. I was sure I had no idea at the extent of them—he probably would’ve been able to grab me and just hypnotize me into doing his will. But he wasn’t. His hands were clenched on his lap, so close, and yet a million miles from me.
My eyes shot back up. I was suddenly desperate to understand him…understand this. “Why do you care? And don’t say you don’t,” I quickly added. “You once told me I reminded you of your sister, so I know you have some feelings.”
“I have an interest in your well-being…”
“But?” There was always a but.
He had brotherly feelings for me, but…it became more? Or But now I’ve decided I hate you? But now you’ve got your own vampire?
But what?
He looked to the water, shutting me out. “Feelings are a luxury I cannot afford.”
I wished I’d learned that lesson before I let myself be gutted by Carden.
And yet this confession was hard to believe. I took in the sight of him. The scruffy black hair—I could tell he’d surfed that morning from the way it was pointing every which way—and the shadow of razor stubble on his jaw. All that darkness and shadow and it only made his green eyes more haunted.
“Never? You’ve never allowed yourself feelings?”
His head swung back to me. “Of course I have feelings. And I must guard them.”
I let the truth of his words sink in. Ronan tried not to let himself have feelings. Did that mean he’d never been with a girl? “Do you mean you’re afraid of being with someone?”
His expression hardened. “I’m afraid of what being with someone would do to her. The risks it would expose her to. You should know this lesson better than anyone.” The words struck me like an accusation, a reminder of how Emma’s death had been orchestrated as a punishment for me.
Such a serious statement, and yet I couldn’t get clear of the speculation currently clouding my brain, because really, was he saying he’d never been with anyone? How could that be possible? Ronan, never touching a girl? Surely in all his time roaming the world, he’d hooked up with someone.
In a normal world, he’d have been knee-deep in girlfriends…but this wasn’t a normal world. It was one where hooking up could—and often did—mean death. I thought of Amanda and Judge and how they’d died trying to be together. Ronan would never choose to be responsible for that.
I let myself look, really look, in his eyes. At the moment, he seemed so…tormented. Like, he had so many wants and no way to let any of them out. “Ronan, what kind of life is it where you’re afraid to touch another person?”
“I’m not afraid to touch another person,” he snapped.
He was getting frustrated, but I was frustrated, too, with the sense that there was some truth just out of my reach. “But you’re obviously not happy. So why not leave? What keeps you here?” My roommate Mei-Ling was a diminutive ninth grader and she’d managed to escape. “Your blood kin aren’t even on the island with you. I don’t get it. Why do you even stay?”
“A man must do as a man must do,” he said mysteriously.
“That didn’t stop Carden.” I’d said it dismissively, intending the words only as a sting to myself, but I saw instantly how they stung Ronan instead.
“You are in over your head with that…him. I’d think that you, Annelise, more than anyone would strive for better than what he offers you. I tell you, a man does as he must, but Carden McCloud is no man.”
His anger, so quick and sharp, startled me. “And you are?”
He reached out, resting his hand in the dirt at my hip, leaning closer. “I am.”
My breath hitched. I stilled, waiting to see what would happen next.
He raised his other hand, slid it around my neck.
What was happening? Was this a lesson? Had I offended him—did he think I was accusing him of being afraid to touch a girl, and now he had something to prove?
His hand was warm and gentle gliding over my skin, and my scalp tingled as his fingers laced through the hair at the back of my neck. He leaned closer still, until I could no longer see his features clearly. Only impressions of Ronan filled my view. The dark stubble. His full mouth. A fringe of black lashes on lids half-closed. Those features had once rocked my world. Once, in a Florida parking lot, they’d been enough to convince me to get into a car with a stranger.
And now? Now Ronan was no longer a stranger. He’d become so familiar to me. Somehow, Ronan had become all I had.
How I missed Carden and the comfort he’d given me. I longed for connection. I missed my friends. All of them, they’d been so dear to me, and yet here I was, alone, aching, steeped in desolation and uncertainty. Carden had vanished. My friends were lost to me.
Everyone was gone, but Ronan was here. Right here.
Would it be so bad, so wrong, to seek just a little bit of comfort with him?
I leaned in to him, testing. He didn’t move. Was this solace that he was offering? Was it more? I leaned closer, and he still didn’t move away. My heart began to pound. All my fear and desolation and abandonment…it all catalyzed, becoming this need I felt now. Ronan was going to kiss me, and even if he was using his hypnotic touch, I’d take it. I’d take him. I just wanted to feel him, because somehow I knew. He wasn’t using his powers. This was just a touch—the touch of a guy on my skin.
Then suddenly…cold air.
I opened my eyes—when had I closed them?—and saw he was staring at me, his gaze so heavy and dark.
“I can’t,” he said. His jaw was tight, and it was like he had to grit out the words.
And then he was gone.
I stared after him, even though I couldn’t see anything in the darkness. Breathily, I asked the universe, “What the hell was that?”
I collapsed onto my back, grinding my fingers into my hair as I stared up at the sky. My heart was still skittering in my chest, my pulse as shallow as the air in my lungs.
Holy crap.
I guess I no longer reminded him of his sister.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
I plopped onto the sand, panting for breath, clutching a hand at my side. I hoped the pain was just a stitch from my run and not the beginnings of the blood fever.
Okay, fine…so maybe it wasn’t as dire as all that.
Check that—emotionally, it was pretty freaking dire, but physically? I was feeling some discomfort, but nothing crippling, not yet. Just…a needful sort of thirst. I thought back to last term. I couldn’t go through that ordeal again, through the pain of separation and the early stages of breaking a bond.
Carden. He was the opposite of stupid Ronan. I didn’t get stupid Ronan at all—lurking, popping up at unusual times, almost kissing me. When Carden had wanted to kiss me, he’d kissed me. He was so easy, so predictable…
Until he was no longer easy and predictable.
Was it me? Was I just lame with guys? My vampire had been gone for too long now. Either something had happened to him—which I honestly thought I’d have felt—or he’d simply…bailed.
But he couldn’t just dump me, right? Logically, I knew: We had a bond. So whether he really wanted to be with me or not, physically he had to come back at some point.
And there was the crux of it. I wanted someone who wanted to be with me.
Someone who liked me. Maybe loved me.
I thought of the difference between my parents. When my mom had been alive, presumably she’d wanted to be with me because it gave her joy. My memories of her were vague, but they were happy—we’d both been happy—and it wasn’t such a leap to deduce that she’d wanted to spend time with me. As opposed to my father, who’d kept me around merely because he was obligated.
Was that what I’d become to Carden? An obligation? All those words he’d said. Dove shmove. All of it meaningless crap.
“Stupid,” I muttered, stretching into the ache. My train of thought was stupid. This situation was stupid.
I felt stupid. I’d been too smitten to sense what’d been going on in Carden’s head our last night together. While I was experiencing the most amazingly special night of my life, he’d already checked out. He fed me over and over that night because he’d known all along that he’d be leaving.
Sure, eventually he’d come back. He’d saunter back one of these days, grinning all Carden-like, feeding me again, just enough to sustain our bond. And then he’d probably turn around and saunter right back out.
All that intimacy I thought we’d shared for all those weeks…did none of it count? Had it been my imagination?
Hey, at least the guy had done me a solid and overfed me. Because of his foresight, I’d had minimal physical symptoms since he left. Though this pang in my side made me wonder just how long I had until the blood fever set in. One month? One year? A decade?
How long would he be gone anyway? I couldn’t last forever—minimal physical symptoms wasn’t the same as no physical symptoms.
I shaded my eyes, staring out to sea. We didn’t get much sunlight on this rock, but what we did get irritated vampire eyes, and I’d purposely taken my run smack-dab in the middle of a Saturday afternoon. Lately, 12:01 had become a favorite sight on my digital watch.
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