by Linda Seed
If that did happen, it would be okay, he supposed. But he really had the whole San Simeon Point thing in mind—the way she would look standing out there on the bluff above the water, the wind in her hair. The way they would both feel out there in nature, the trees swishing in the breeze above them and the sounds of the surf in their ears.
He could wait.
That didn’t mean he wasn’t going to drive himself crazy while he did it.
I’m asking her tomorrow, he texted to Louise.
GOOD LUCK!!!!
I’m going to go insane thinking about it until then.
Want to go out and get drunk?
He considered that.
Why not?
Joy spent the rest of the day and that evening working on her book. She had so many ideas—she’d considered telling the story chronologically, but instead, she decided to group the blog posts into themes. Each chapter could address a particular thing she’d learned during her time in the tiny house, and she’d pair it with photos, mementos, inspirational quotes on the benefits of simplicity and nature.
She was still bubbling with enthusiasm for the project when she called Gina the next day.
“Do you really like it?” she asked instead of saying hello.
“Better than that, I know I can sell it. Get me the first chapters as soon as you can. Oh, and Joy?”
“Hmm?”
“I wonder …”
“What?”
“It might be good if you could … you know. Lose a few pounds.”
Joy was struck silent in horror.
“I mean, I’m looking at the photos you sent, and you look great. You really do. But … they might go over better if you looked the way you did back when you were hot on Instagram.”
Joy felt like she’d been slapped. Yes, Joy had been thinner when Gina had sold her previous book. But what did that matter? Why was it important?
“Are you joking?”
“No. Look, Joy, I don’t mean to hurt your feelings, or … You look fantastic. But the book, the lifestyle you’re promoting … it’s aspirational. The readers will want to be you. I mean, that’s the whole point, isn’t it? And the better you look, the better it’s going to work.”
Joy felt herself start to get angry, and on top of the anger was a growing hysteria. “But you’re missing the whole point! It’s not aspirational. It’s …it’s about how I let go of all that! It’s about how I learned to be me instead of some tiny, perfect Barbie doll!”
“Joy—”
“There’s going to be a whole chapter on body image and how damaging it is when you’re expected to be thin and diet all the time, when none of that makes you happy! Gina—”
“Joy, calm down.” Gina said some happy things about how it had only been a suggestion, and how they could alter the photos to hide the extra weight, and how Joy should forget she’d said anything about it.
But long after they hung up, Joy felt a hard, hot weight on her chest that might have been disappointment and might have been shame.
Had she been kidding herself that anyone would want her if she continued to put on weight? And, more importantly, had she been lying to herself that Nix would?
Chapter 28
Joy began her date with Nix feeling anxious and upset. She tried to shove those feelings down and just enjoy being with him, but the feelings were stubborn and insisted on staying.
On top of that, he was acting strangely, which increased her certainty that his good news was something that would be good for him but would somehow end their relationship.
She coached herself to pretend to be happy for him when he announced his new job or his new relationship or whatever it might be. She urged herself to be positive and supportive and not to cry.
He picked her up in the early afternoon and they drove out to the parking lot at San Simeon Cove. The sky was bright and blue, a cloudless expanse of the universe stretching out above them. It was the middle of the week, so only a handful of cars were parked near the pier.
“Are you okay?” he asked as he pulled into a parking spot and turned off the ignition.
“Yes. I’m fine. What about you? You seem … quiet.”
“I’ve just got a lot on my mind, that’s all.”
That made two of them.
They got out and walked to the beach, and from there, they made their way to a path that rose up from the sand to the bluffs above.
As they walked, Nix held her hand, but he still wasn’t saying anything, which made Joy’s sense of impending doom even more intense.
“So, what’s your good news?” she asked when she couldn’t keep the question in any longer.
“I’ll tell you in a bit. What’s yours?”
“Well … my agent said she loved my book proposal.” She kept her eyes on the ground in front of her.
“She did? That’s great! That’s really great, Joy. I’m so happy for you.” He sounded so sincere, so genuinely pleased for her, that she couldn’t bring herself to tell him the rest—that Gina had wanted her to change her body to bring the project to fruition. She wasn’t going to do it, and if that meant scrapping the project, then so be it.
“Yeah. Thanks. So … we’ll see what happens.”
“I read all of your blog posts, and I’m not surprised she liked it. I mean, it’s a great story. Everybody’s into tiny houses right now—they’re a trend, right?—and simplifying. And you’ve already got a platform, so …”
“That’s what she said.”
He stopped walking and turned to face her. “So why do you sound like your dog just died, Joy?”
Her eyes filled with tears and she blinked them away. Then she laughed and shook her head. “It’s just … some of the comments I’m getting about my photos …”
“What have they been saying?”
She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. People are just assholes, that’s all.”
Nix hadn’t looked at the comments on Joy’s blog posts or on Instagram—he’d only looked at the photos and blog posts themselves—but he resolved to do it once he got home. Whatever people were saying about Joy had really upset her, and he wanted to know what it was so he could tell her it was bullshit.
Which it almost surely was.
“You know people are just jerks for their own reasons, right?” he said. “It’s not about you. It’s about their own petty insecurities.”
“I know.”
“But what the agent said—that’s good news, right?” Better to focus on what was going right rather than whatever was going wrong.
“Sure.”
“So what’s got you so upset?”
She didn’t answer.
So far, this outing was going to shit before it had really started, and he wasn’t sure why. The ring box was in his jacket pocket, and he felt it there as though its presence was a black hole sucking everything in the vicinity into it. He couldn’t think of anything else. What would she think of it? Would she wear it? How would he give it to her? What would she say?
They walked a little farther, and she stopped, pulled her hand out of his, and turned to him.
“Look, Nix. Whatever your news is, it’s probably better to just come out with it. If you’re planning to break up with me—”
“What?” He took a step back from her as though he’d been pushed. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about whatever it is you brought me here to tell me. What is it, Nix? A new job someplace far away? Or … are you seeing someone else? Just say it. Please.”
“That’s what you think?” He stared at her, dazed.
“I don’t know what to think!”
“But … I told you I had good news. None of those things would be good news.”
“They would be to you.”
Oh, shit. He’d bungled this whole thing. He’d brought her here to propose, and all this time she’d been bracing herself to get dumped.
“No. That’s not … no.” He squeezed his eyes shu
t and shook his head.
“Then what? And don’t tell me we’ll talk about it later. I don’t want to talk about it later.”
He had two choices: he could propose right now, here on the trail, or he could put her off until another time, when his plans weren’t turning to ash in a massive dumpster fire. Plan A or Plan B. Go for the gold or call a time out.
He opted for Plan A.
“Well, this isn’t how I planned to do this, but …” Shaking, he pulled the ring box out of his jacket pocket and lowered himself to one knee in the dirt. “I …God, I had a whole speech planned, but I’m so nervous I forgot it.”
She stared at him, wide-eyed.
“I love you, Joy. And even though you haven’t said it yet, I think you love me. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You just … you make me happy.” He opened the lid of the ring box and held it out to her. “Will you marry me?”
Joy’s brain simply shut down for a moment. She was so shocked by what Nix had said that she couldn’t form a response, couldn’t think, and could barely remember who she was or what she was doing here. She stood with both hands clapped over her mouth, trying to remember to breathe.
“Joy?” he prompted her. “If you don’t like the ring, we can exchange it, pick out something you like better.”
Still, nothing.
“Um … could you say something, please? Joy?”
“You … you want to marry me?”
“Yes. That’s the general idea.” He tried to offer her a winning smile, but it trembled a little on his face.
Once her brain started to work again, its initial response was panic. He wanted to marry her? Why? Because the lease was almost up and he wanted his house back? Because it was easier than evicting her? Because he thought he was in love with some Instagram image, some woman who no longer existed? Who possibly never had?
“I … ah … I think you should get up.”
It wasn’t until she told him to get up off the ground that he realized this thing might not go the way he wanted it to.
Yes, the date had started out with some awkwardness, but he’d been certain the proposal would change all that. He’d been certain she would say yes.
Instead, she’d said, I think you should get up.
Still shaking, he did.
He looked down at the ring in the box. In every mental run-through he’d done of this moment, she’d taken it by now. Why hadn’t she taken it?
“So, you’re saying no, then?”
He looked so sad standing there with his ring box in his hand.
Joy didn’t know what to say to him. She only knew that the conflicting messages bombarding her were making her feel more panic than elation.
She loved him, but she was afraid of how badly he could hurt her if he chose to. She trusted that he was telling her the truth about his feelings, but she didn’t trust that his feelings wouldn’t change. She wanted him, but she didn’t know if he would keep wanting her in the long run, when neither of them really knew for sure who she was becoming.
“I’m saying … that I don’t know what to say.”
He snapped the box closed and shoved it back into his pocket. “Well, that’s just great.”
“If this is about the lease …” she began.
“Joy? I don’t give a fuck about the fucking lease.”
His anger broke the dam that had been holding back her shame. Her cheeks burned and she couldn’t meet his gaze. “Nix—”
“Do you really think I proposed to you because … because your lease is almost up? That’s the most ridiculous, insulting—”
“I think … I think we’re in a period of change, where something has to happen, and maybe you didn’t know what’s next for us, so you … you did this.”
He laughed bitterly and threw his head back to stare at the trees above them. “You don’t have a very high opinion of me, then.”
“I—”
“Louise warned me. She pointed out that you’ve never said you love me. And if you’ve never said it, then maybe you don’t.”
The tears that had been filling her eyes began to fall. “Please, that’s not—”
“I think we should go back.” He turned and headed back up the trail without waiting for her.
Chapter 29
“You warned me. Oh, shit. You warned me and I didn’t listen.” Nix let his head fall against the back of Louise’s sofa and groaned. “Why didn’t I listen? What the hell is wrong with me?”
“You’re in love.” Louise sat beside him and patted his hand in a soothing, sisterly fashion.
“Also, you’re a man, which means you’re starting out behind the curve when it comes to making sensible decisions with women,” said Clara, Louise’s wife, who was in the kitchen making Nix a soothing cup of herbal tea.
“It’s all ruined now, isn’t it? Things were going fine, and I fucked it up.”
“Not necessarily,” Louise said.
He lifted his head to look at her. “Which part?”
She considered that. “Either one. It’s not necessarily fucked up, and if it is, then it wasn’t necessarily fine in the first place.”
Which was it? Were things hopeless and he just hadn’t been able to see it? Or could he salvage things between himself and Joy?
“Well … what do I do now? Now that I’ve asked her and she said no … Do I just walk away?”
Clara set the mug of tea on the side table next to Nix. “Do you want to walk away?”
Nix squeezed his eyes shut and pressed the heels of his hands to his eyelids. “No. No. I just … I just want Joy.”
“Then you two have to have a talk,” Louise said. “A real talk about whether she’s just not ready yet, or …”
“Or if she’ll never be ready. Not with me.”
“Well … yeah.”
He’d said he didn’t want to walk away, but the idea was tempting. Not because he didn’t love Joy—of course he did. And not because he was angry with her for saying no. He was tempted to change his name and move to another country because of the humiliation. He’d been on his knee, for Christ’s sake. He’d been kneeling in the dirt with the damned ring in his hand, and she’d looked at him with horror instead of love.
Well, she’d never said she loved him, had she? He was sure she did, though—he was certain of it. But maybe he’d just been deluding himself.
“So, how did you leave it?” Clara asked, bringing him out of his reverie.
He groaned again and ran both hands through his hair. “We stalked back to the car without saying anything, and I drove her home and got the hell out of there. I might have actually burned rubber.”
Louise winced. “Well, that wasn’t very mature.”
“Mature? Really? Screw mature. She hurt me.”
“And you wanted to hurt her back, so you acted like an ass,” Louise said. “Would you have preferred that she just said yes even though she wasn’t sure? If she’s going to dump you, better it should happen now instead of later, after the deposits have been paid. Or, God forbid, even later than that, when you have to figure out who gets custody of the kids.”
She was right. He knew she was right. But that didn’t make it hurt any less.
“Shit. I mean, you’re right, but … shit.”
“So, what are you going to do?” Clara asked softly.
“I don’t know. I just … I don’t know.”
In the wake of the failed proposal, Joy didn’t know what to do any more than Nix did.
At least, she had a friend on the way to help.
Joy had called Amber and said it was an emergency. Joy had wanted to go down to L.A. to talk it out with her friend, but Amber’s apartment was being treated for mold, so Amber decided to come north instead.
Secretly, Joy thought Amber had made that part up to keep Joy in Cambria, where she and Nix might manage to see each other and patch things up.
She also suspected that Amber thought Joy would run away from her problems at the first o
pportunity. Which, to be fair, she might have.
Amber got to Cambria that evening after a four-hour drive. She’d brought a bottle of wine and a pizza, and the two of them sat on the sofa in the tiny house eating and drinking while Joy poured out the details of what had happened.
“I just … froze. I froze like some girl in a horror movie who sees the killer standing there with a chainsaw and just lets him come and get her instead of running away.”
“I’ve gotta tell you. It doesn’t bode well for you and Nix that you’re comparing him to a chainsaw murderer.” Amber quirked one eyebrow upward and took a drink of her wine.
“I didn’t mean it that way.” Joy frowned. “Or maybe I did. Because he’s killing me, Amber. He really is killing me with his … his eyes and his hair and his …” She gestured vaguely with one hand. “His niceness! How am I supposed to resist all of that? How am I supposed to say no?”
“Here’s an idea.” Amber pointed one finger at her friend. “Maybe don’t say no if you don’t want to.”
Amber knew everything about Joy. She knew Joy better than anyone else in the world. And yet Joy still couldn’t tell her about the conflicting feelings that had caused her to flee from Nix. She couldn’t tell her, because none of it made sense when spoken out loud. How could she explain that she was afraid of being too happy, because that would make the fall, when it came, so much more disastrous? How could she explain that if her mother, her agent, and the public at large couldn’t accept the new, less perfect Joy, surely Nix couldn’t be expected to accept her, either.
How could she explain that, having rejected the idea of her value lying in her beauty, she now had no idea where her value actually did lie? And if she didn’t know, how could anyone else?
“I’m in flux,” she said, because that, at least, was both clear and true. “When I did all of this—when I came to Cambria—I expected to pretend to change. But instead, I’m actually changing. My priorities are changing, and I … I don’t know where I’m going to land when all of this changing is done. How can I make a major life decision when I don’t even know what I want?”
