by Laura Ward
I smiled to myself. Liam didn’t just look like trouble, he was trouble. For once, that didn’t sound like such a bad thing, no matter how my mom said it. Liam was nothing like me, and I was drawn to his darkness and inappropriate charm. My life had been nothing but endless rules that I followed without question. Maybe my mom was right. Maybe I should try to enjoy my summer.
That night I got my first text.
Liam: Question for you about cars
I had to remind my galloping heart that it was merely my excessive note taking that he was interested in.
Me: Ok
Liam: What’s the difference between Porsches and porcupines?
That was not what I was expecting. For a moment, I wondered if it was something that was covered during class. Confused, I fumbled out a reply.
Me: No idea
Liam: Porcupines carry their pricks on the outside
For the first time since the accident, I laughed out loud. The sound of it was strange. Like finding an old picture from my childhood and not remembering the moment it was taken. My laughter was foreign, like a hazy memory that didn’t seem to fully belong to me.
As I clung to the feel of the sounds on my tongue, I realized something. Liam was definitely trouble, but maybe a little trouble was exactly what I needed.
Chapter Two
“Fifteen-minute break, folks.” Mr. Weinberg's chair creaked in protest as he sat down. He kicked his feet up on the desk and opened a tattered paperback novel. The rest of the class shuffled out of the classroom, and I made my way to the vending machine. I inserted my dollar and pretended to ponder my choices, but all I really wanted was a Coke. I needed caffeine. Preferably shot straight into my bloodstream. I'd spent the past few days suffering through Weinberg's tedious lectures, and the boredom was slowly eating away at my brain. At this rate there was a good chance I'd be completely zombified by the end of the week.
I pressed the button and waited. Nothing. I pressed it again. Nada.
“Aw, c’mon. Seriously?” I slammed my palm against the button, but the machine refused to cooperate. If I didn't get my necessary pick-me-up, I'd end up falling asleep at my desk and probably waking up in a puddle of my own drool. Considering I sat next to a hottie like Liam every day, drool puddles weren't an option. Neither was zombification. I desperately needed the soda that the machine was holding hostage.
I pushed the button another half a dozen times just for good measure.
A low chuckle came from behind me, and I looked over my shoulder. My face flamed hot under Liam’s intense gaze and sexy smile.
“Here, let me.” He reached around me and punched the machine with his fist. My soda immediately dropped down.
I bent over to grab the bottle and grinned up at him. “Thanks. I owe you one.”
“You do.” He tilted his head toward the exit. “Come hang with me while I smoke.” When I didn't immediately follow him, he lifted an eyebrow in challenge. “Is that a yes or no?”
“I don’t know.” Sitting next to Liam every day was one thing, being alone with him might be more than I could handle.
He snatched the bottle of Coke out of my hand and headed for the door. “Clock's ticking, Lex. These cravings aren't going to satisfy themselves,” he called over his shoulder. He held up my soda and his pack of cigarettes, motioning for me to follow. Liam was clearly a guy who was used to getting his way.
Damn. My caffeine had gone straight from being held hostage to being hijacked. A tiny smile pulled at my mouth, and I jogged to catch up to him. When I pushed open the glass door to exit the building, it was like the air itself was on fire. The heat was so thick and oppressive I felt like I was wading through it. I followed Liam to his Jeep, and he opened the passenger side door for me.
“Climb in.”
I eyed the sleek black vehicle, which was just as dark and mysterious as he was. “This is how kidnappings usually start,” I joked.
“Don't be ridiculous.” He frowned at me. “I didn't offer you candy or a puppy. Clearly you can trust me.”
“Exactly the sort of thing a serial killer would say.” I reached for my Coke, but he backed away, holding it high.
“Suit yourself.” He rounded the front of the Jeep, still holding my soda and leaving the passenger door open. “But this baby has AC.” Liam rapped his knuckles on the roof and then climbed inside.
I took a deep breath of muggy air as he turned the key in the ignition. His hair ruffled as the vent blew air into his face. An icy blast of AC from the open door hit my skin, and I made up my mind. The only thing I needed more than caffeine was to escape the heat.
Liam’s Jeep was so high off the ground that I had to step onto a ledge and lift myself into it. The interior was all black leather, much like its owner, but it was also tidy and smelled good. Again, like its owner. I closed the door behind me and shivered. I wasn’t sure if my response was from the cold air or being alone with Liam.
“You don't mind do you?” Liam asked, showing me the cigarette he’d already lit. He cracked the driver’s side window and blew out a long puff of smoke as he handed me my Coke.
“Nope.” I bit my lip. The truth was that I hated cigarettes, but as long as I didn’t have to breathe it myself, I could deal. Besides, Liam looked good smoking, although I had a sneaking suspicion he’d look good cleaning toilets or mopping a floor—or even picking up trash on the roadside. Once again he was dressed all in black with messy hair, an attitude, and a cigarette. Liam looked like a modern-day James Dean. And it was sexy as hell.
“You should quit though,” I told him. “Those things will kill you.” My voice tripped over the end of my comment, and I cringed at my own idiocy. One thoughtless statement, and I had another fresh gash in my heart. A Sam-sized gash.
Kill you. How could harmless little words like kill or die or accident cause so much pain? Would they always make me think of Sam and what I’d lost? Would her death forever hover at the edges of my life, waiting for the opportunity to torment me when I least expected it? They were just words. Why did they hurt so much?
The whole thing was so real, yet unreal at the same time.
I unscrewed the bottle cap and took a drink of soda, desperate to wash the words out of my mouth.
“Lotta things’ll do you in these days.” Liam flicked his cigarette out the window, unaware of my inner turmoil. The ash scattered to the ground beyond the window, and he paused before taking a deep breath. “Tell me something good. Something that makes you smile. Something you’ve never told anyone else.”
I swallowed my soda, ignoring the way my heart clenched at his request. There were a lot of things I’d never told anyone—wishes, dreams, desires. Things that I wanted but was too afraid to pursue. I liked them better as secrets. That way I knew they were safe. I didn’t like talking about myself, and I certainly wasn’t going to confess my hopes and dreams to someone I barely knew. I didn’t care how hot Liam was. Sam was the only person I ever confided in. When she died, so did my ability to share that part of myself.
I put the cap back on my bottle and tightened it. My insides were in chaos. My heart was hammering in my chest, and my stomach was revolting against me. When Liam asked me to hang out, I never expected him to dig around in my head, poking at all my secrets and memories.
“Why?” My voice was so quiet I wasn’t sure if he could hear me over the hum of the AC.
“Because every time I look at you, I see heartbreak. And trust me I look at you a lot,” he said, making a point to meet my gaze.
His admission surprised me. I’d snuck plenty of glances at Liam over the past few days too. I couldn’t help but notice him. He was the exact opposite of me, and he was everything that my mom would want me to avoid. He ignored the rules and was daring. And yet I was intrigued by his fearlessness. I was drawn to him.
“Why does it matter?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. Fuck, I don’t even know you, but I know I hate seeing you sad. Tell me something that makes you h
appy. I want to see you smile.” His mouth curved into a grin, but it was a little off. Like something was missing.
When I didn’t speak, he looked away, taking a long drag before blowing smoke out the crack of the window. Even silent and brooding this boy was the most interesting person I’d met in my life. Every day when I woke up, everything around me was dreary and gray. But when Liam was around, brightness surrounded me. Almost as if his intense personality soaked up all the light from the world around him and reflected it back tenfold.
We sat in comfortable silence as Liam’s cigarette continued to get smaller with each touch of his lips and flick of his thumb. He never said a word, never pressured me to answer his request. He let me sit and think in peace, something my mother never allowed. I think my silence only made her feel Sam’s absence even more. The world was never quiet when Sam was around.
Sam.
For the first time in months, I wanted to talk about her. To him. Maybe it was because I recognized a little bit of sorrow in Liam too. Maybe it was because even though he looked like danger, I felt safe around him.
I watched my fingers as they toyed with the label on the soda bottle. “My sister and I used to chase rainbows with my dad.” My voice sounded weird after sitting so long in silence, but I continued. “As soon as a storm ended and the sun came out, we’d run to him and he’d take us to find one.” I couldn’t hold back the smile. I felt it break open on my face as I relived the memory.
“Searching for the pot of gold?” Liam stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray and grinned when he faced me.
I shook my head and looked out the window. “It was never about the treasure. We wanted to see where the rainbow began. We always figured the beginning was the best part because that’s where the rain turned into beauty.”
“And the end of the rainbow? You never wanted to find that?” Liam cocked his head to the side, rubbing the stubble on his chin.
“Nope. The end of the rainbow was where all the colors ended. As kids we always pictured that as a sad, unhappy place.” I shrugged as I looked up through my lashes at him. “Silly, huh? I mean, who’s to say which is the beginning and which is the end? They’re really one in the same. But when we were kids, we thought they were totally different things.”
Liam sat back and studied me. Around us, students headed back into the building. When he didn’t speak, I regretted sharing such a special memory. Did he think it was ridiculous? Childish?
“We should go.” I wrapped my fingers around the door handle, but Liam reached over and placed his large hand on my arm to keep me from leaving.
“Tell me why you’re sad.”
I peered into his green eyes and weighed how much confessing the truth might wreck my heart. Sam was dead. She’d been gone for two months, and I still hadn’t said the words out loud. I wasn’t sure I ever could.
I bit my bottom lip and blinked hard to keep my calm. “I guess because my sister and I were right all along. I found the end of the rainbow, and now I can’t find my way out. Sometimes it feels like nothing will ever be beautiful or happy again.”
I pulled on the door handle and hurried out of the Jeep before I could see the look of pity I was sure Liam was wearing. Pity for the crazy girl. Pity for the sad girl. It didn’t matter.
I didn’t want anyone’s pity.
Class had started by the time Liam made it back to his seat. He didn’t acknowledge me, which only cemented my assumption that he wanted to avoid me. Instead of paying attention to Weinberg, he spent the first few minutes looking down as he typed on his phone. I was surprised when mine vibrated in my pocket a few seconds later. Discretely I pulled it out and looked down at the screen.
Liam: If you were locked in a car with only a hammer, how would you get out?
I cut a glance over to him, but he was staring down at his phone, waiting for my reply. Hope kindled inside me. Maybe I hadn’t scared him off. His friendship was the one thing that made this class bearable.
Me: Am I tied up?
A grin tugged at one side of his mouth.
Liam: Not a bad visual
But no
I tried to guess what the answer to the joke could possibly be and then wondered if I’d be able to hide my blush if it was dirty because there was a good chance it would be. Most of the things that came out of Liam’s mouth were vulgar and provocative.
Me: Only a hammer? Guess I’d smash the window.
The shake of his head was small, but his grin was huge.
Liam: Poor car
Why not just unlock the door?
I groaned at my own stupidity, and then my phone vibrated again.
Liam: Pay attention to Weinberg
You need all the help you can get
I snuck another glance at him as I tucked my phone away and gave him a grateful smile. My confession in the car hadn’t bothered him. And in his own brilliant way, Liam was making me forget about my sadness.
Chapter Three
LIAM
I hated to admit it, but I had a type. I was always drawn to the same kind of girl, and Alexis wasn’t her.
I liked girls with a big rack, usually Hispanic, with dark hair and dark eyes. I preferred if they smoked, that way they stayed off my back about my little addiction. I always met them at a party, one where we drank whatever was available and free. I preferred girls who were comfortable with their bodies and who were ready to take care of mine when I so much as nodded in their direction.
When it came to girls, I liked them with no strings attached. No complications.
Nope, Alexis was the polar opposite of those girls, and so for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why I sat down next to her in driver’s ed that first day. With just one look I could tell she was the epitome of complicated. I must have been insane to flirt with her. Maybe it was because I knew she was a bit older like me. Or maybe it was the way I could recognize the crippling sadness within her. Whatever it was, I couldn’t stay away.
Alexis was gorgeous, no doubt about that. The funny thing was, she didn’t even seem to realize it. She was a fragile tiny thing who looked like she could easily be crushed by the world. I was shocked by the fact that I had an instant urge to protect her. To keep her from anything that might hurt her. Even though I was exactly the type of thing that could hurt her most.
The first time I saw her, I’d thought of an angel. When the light reflected off her pale blond hair, I swear to Christ I thought I saw a halo. Plus her eyes—the blue was so clear it made me think of innocence. Purity. Something heavenly.
Not that I believed in any of that shit. But that girl had gotten to me from the moment I laid eyes on her. I wanted to understand what put the ache in her smile, and I wanted to take that hurt away.
I gripped the handle of my duffle bag tighter in my hand as I slung it over my shoulder. Me, taking someone’s hurt away? What a fucking joke. I’d been kicked out of three high schools before I was expelled from another one during my senior year and was forced to get a GED because I had no other options. I was good at causing pain, not fixing it.
As I stepped out of my room, I pulled the door shut, although I wasn’t sure why I did it. My mom and stepdad, Jerry, were the only other people who lived in the house, and they never came upstairs to my attic room. But habits were hard to break. Jerry was a prime example of that.
I jogged down the rickety old steps, hearing the wood creak and whine under my weight. Sometimes I wondered what kept our old house from just crumbling away underneath us. Maybe like my mom, it was too determined to give up.
When I reached the first floor, I could hear the sound of running water coming from the kitchen. I wandered in to find my mom at the sink washing the breakfast dishes while Jerry rummaged around in the fridge behind her. After finding what he was looking for, he stood up and shut the door. He kept his gaze trained on me as he popped the cap off his beer and took a sip. “It’s a little early to be gettin’ into trouble already, isn’t it?” he asked gruffly, eyein
g my duffle bag and old clothes.
I wanted to tell him eight in the morning was a little early to be drinking a fucking beer, but chances were he was still drunk from the night before anyway. The only good thing about Jerry’s drinking problem was that he wasn’t a mean drunk. He was lazy and he always seemed to be out of work, but at least he didn’t treat my mom badly. He didn’t do much at all actually.
“I have to go to work,” I told him.
He grinned, his smile a jagged mark across his unshaven face. “One of the ones you get paid for, or the one the judge gave ya?”
I clenched my jaw and glanced at my mom, but she didn’t turn around. There was a time she might have defended me from his insults, but I guess I’d gotten into trouble one too many times to earn that favor anymore. It’s not like I was the only sinner in the family. I was just the only one around for Jerry to pick on. And I gave him plenty of reasons to rag on me.
I don’t know why I chose to do the shit I did. The rush, maybe? All I knew was that along with my smoking addiction, the feeling of adrenaline coursing through my veins was just something I’d always needed.
I started out small. Egging the houses of teachers who gave me a hard time in school. Fighting dickheads who didn’t know when to keep their mouths shut. Stealing a street sign or vandalizing some cars and loving the euphoric feeling that came when I didn’t get caught.
The fact that I had escaped without a criminal record so far was a fucking miracle. The police had brought me in many times for fighting or loitering, but I’d always avoided arrest by the skin of my teeth. My school records were another story. I’d be lucky if a community college ever allowed me to set foot on their campus.
I was known around town and even in my family as a bad kid. A troubled kid—wild and undisciplined. Maybe that was why I was drawn to Alexis’s light that first day of class. She only ever looked at me with kindness. Never judgment, even though I deserved it.
“Both,” I told him. “Someone around here has to work.”
