by Laura Ward
“How are your grades so far? Have you made it to all your classes on time?”
Jesus. We weren’t even on Route 1 yet, and the inquisition had begun.
“Good to see you too, Mom,” I answered.
“I just want to make sure you’re staying on top of things, Alexis. This is your first time on your own and—”
I sighed. “I’m fine, Mom. All of my grades so far are As, and I haven’t missed a single class.”
She turned to eye me critically, checking to see if she could detect any truths I might be hiding. When she faced the road again, she changed the subject. “Talia and MaryAnn were just saying the other day how excited they are that you’ll be home for the weekend. They’d like to see you.”
I highly doubted my friends had said that. I hadn’t talked to them since I’d left for school, and neither of them had reached out to me. Both were staying close to home, attending community college, hanging out with the same crowd—Melissa. I think the only person excited about the possibility of me hanging out with my old friends was my mom.
“I don’t think I’ll have time for that, Mom. I’m planning to spend time with you and Dad. And I want to see Liam too.”
My mother took a deep breath and then released it in frustration. “I thought this infatuation of yours would dwindle once you were away at school and meeting new people. That boy isn’t the right kind of—”
“Mom,” I admonished, cutting her off. I rolled my eyes and then pulled the lever on my seat to lay it flat. I didn’t want to get into an argument with her about Liam again. We were never going to agree, and I didn’t want to start my weekend at home on the wrong foot. “You don’t mind if I catch a little nap, do you?” I put my earbuds in, turned on my iPod, and pretended to relax. I was anything but relaxed. I was disappointed. I was anxious. And I was counting down the minutes until I could get out of this car again.
Through the slits of my closed eyes, I could see my mother purse her lips. I felt sort of guilty tuning her out, but I knew if I didn’t, I’d just end up angry with her. Guilt was much easier.
When we pulled into our driveway an hour later, I opened the door and hopped out before Mom could even put it in park. The front door was already unlocked, and when I entered the house, I was bombarded with all the smells of home. I felt some of my unease melt away. That is until I rounded the corner into the family room to find my dad tucked into the recliner section of the couch. He was lying on his back with his eyes closed. He was buried under one of the thick blankets that usually hung over the arm of the sofa.
His face was so thin and frail-looking. It had only been a few weeks since I’d last seen him, but it looked like he’d lost more weight. His once-thick hair was patchy and unkempt-looking. I felt like I’d been punched in my lungs. Someone had taken my strong, solid father and replaced him with a sickly wisp of a man.
I heard my mother’s heels click on the tile of the kitchen floor behind me, and I spun around to pin her with an angry glare. “You could have warned me,” I hissed.
She dropped her purse on the island. “You didn’t stay awake long enough.” Her comment lacked all the nastiness she could have put into it. I had ignored her, and she had every right to be pissed at me. Instead, I saw the grief and fatigue that were plaguing her, and I hated that I’d tuned her out. Yes, she could be annoying. Yes, she nitpicked. But she was still my mother. And she was going through this awful journey just as much as my Dad was. A journey that she wouldn’t let me be a part of. When I asked for any details about Dad on the phone, she redirected the conversation to my classes, insisting that I needed to keep my focus on my schoolwork.
She promised that everything was fine at home. She never wanted to talk about my dad, or the future, or the possibility that he might not get better. Then again, she never wanted to talk about Sam either. Mom didn’t know how to deal with things she couldn’t regulate.
I walked over to her and put my arms around her, resting my cheek against her shoulder. At first she stood stiffly, prim and proper. But when I didn’t move away, she finally allowed her arms to accept the hug I was giving her. I don’t know how long we stood like that, grieving without crying, when my dad finally spoke.
“That you, Alexis?” he croaked. Even though he just woke up from a nap, he sounded exhausted.
I lifted my head to meet his gaze, and I forced a smile to my mouth. “Hey, Daddy.”
“Come here,” he said, motioning lethargically with his hand. “I was about to watch some Shark Tank on the DVR. I know how much you like that show.”
I crossed the room and sat down next to him. When he found the right episode and set down the remote, I reached over and grabbed his hand.
“Glad you’re home,” he whispered.
“Me too.”
My mom came and sat down on the other side of me. She didn’t reach for my hand, but I was grateful for her presence anyway. I wouldn’t let myself cry. Seeing my dad like this was awful, but at least I was getting time with him. The only good thing about knowing he was sick was also knowing that each moment with him was precious. I didn’t have that chance with Sam. If I had known that the last time I saw her would be the last time I’d ever see her again, I would have done things differently. I would have told her how much I wanted to be like her. I would have told her how much she meant to me. I would have told her I loved her. I would have told her a lot of things.
I realized no matter what, I had that chance with my dad.
***
Dad went to bed early, and Mom followed him, saying she was just going to read. I had a feeling she was doing the same thing I was, stealing every moment possible to be with him. Alone in our big house that was so empty of activity, but so full of memories, I felt the sudden need to get away. I wanted to see Liam, but I couldn’t bear the thought of waiting another moment for him. I had to find him.
I grabbed the car keys off the hook, pulled out the crumpled-up envelope from the care package he’d sent me, and typed the address into the GPS in the SUV. I wasn’t familiar with the road that he lived on since he lived in the next town over, and I’d never been there.
As I got closer to where Liam lived, I could see what he meant about our lives being so different from one another. All my friends were from my private school. They lived in expensive homes in fancy neighborhoods. Liam’s neighborhood was the kind of place that made me want to lock the doors up tight. And I hated myself for thinking that, for being so judgmental. He’d told me plenty of times that our backgrounds were different. That he’d had to settle fights with his fists. I guess I hadn’t really understood what that meant.
The GPS gave me the final direction to turn, and I pulled up in front of a house that looked like it wouldn’t survive a harsh breeze. There was one shutter on the front of the house that was dangling by a corner. The porch was held together by chipped paint and half-broken boards. I couldn’t believe someone as amazing as Liam lived in a place as gloomy as this. But his Jeep was parked in the driveway, so I knew I was in the right place. And then it struck me that I hadn’t even considered that he wouldn’t be home. He could have been at the levees tonight, partying with everyone else, but he was home, probably waiting for me to call him.
My chest swelled, emotion filling all the pockets of sadness that had riddled my heart since seeing my dad. Liam told me he’d be waiting. I just hadn’t realized he’d meant that literally.
I walked up the rickety steps, but before I made it to the front door, it swung open. Liam propped open the frame that was missing its screen and stared at me in shock. “Lex! What are you doing here? How’d you know where I lived?” He said the word “lived” like it left a bitter taste in his mouth.
I shrugged and grinned at him, lifting up my arm to show him the rainbow bracelet. “Return address on this baby.”
An uncertain smile curved his lips as he reached out to touch the charm. “You were meant to wear this.”
“I love it,” I said as I tucked a piec
e of my now shortened hair behind my ear.
“You know what?” he asked, cocking his head to the side. “That Julie girl’s all right. I like your new haircut, baby. It looks good on you.”
“Want to know what else would look good on me?”
His eyes lifted to mine.
“You.” I stepped closer to him until I was near enough I could have kissed him. I held myself back. “Are you going to invite me in or what?” And then my mouth closed the distance between us and I kissed him with weeks of pent-up desire.
Liam’s arms came around me, and he pulled me into the house, kicking the door shut behind us. Backing up, he led me around a corner to a set of stairs. Just before taking the first step up, he broke the kiss. “Let me take you out to dinner.”
“I don’t need dinner,” I murmured, stealing another kiss. “I only need you. And I don’t want to be out in public; I want to keep you all to myself. I just want to be with you and not come up for air.” My fingers snuck up under his shirt, and when I touched the skin at his sides, his mouth found mine again as he led me up the steps, stumbling and kissing and touching every inch of the way.
The door at the top of the stairway opened to a bedroom with a low ceiling that made it look more attic than anything. The room was drafty and sparse but clean. That’s all I managed to notice before we tumbled onto the bed, hands and lips touching and exploring and rediscovering.
We were on our sides, facing each other. He pulled his lips away from mine to set them next to my ear. “How’s your dad?”
I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping to hold back the swell of emotion. It melted my heart that he cared enough to ask, but at the same time, I wanted to be lost in all that was Liam O’Connell. “Different, but okay,” I whispered. “Can we talk about it later?”
“Whatever you want. Whatever you need. You know that.”
“Right now I need you.” I reached up to the back of his head to pull him to me as I captured his mouth with another kiss.
I was surprised when our lips and fingers became soft and slow against each other, the passionate intensity of seeing each other again turning into a smoldering, all-consuming burn. Like we had all the time in the world. Liam bent his head down to the curve of my neck, and my heart rate answered his unspoken words, beating heavily against my ribs.
“Liam.” My fingers followed the curve of his spine until they reached the top of his jeans and his hips pressed into me. His only answer was a groan. “I’m ready for that final driving lesson,” I told him.
His lips stilled against my skin, and he lifted his head to stare at me in confusion. I slipped my fingers into my back pocket and pulled out a foil packet, waving it between us.
“I’ve been wanting this for a while. I trust you, and I know you’ll take care of me.”
“Angel.” My nickname was a broken set of syllables that seemed to slice him to ribbons on their way out of his throat.
“I want this with you.” I reached down to put the condom in his hand, giving him the final piece of me.
“I do too, Lex. But there’s something you don’t know about me.” He swallowed heavily, his eyes darting away before coming back to me. “You don’t know who I am. I…”
I placed my finger on his lips, stopping him. “Do you want me?” My finger trailed down his neck.
The muscle in his jaw twitched as he clenched his teeth. “You know I do.”
“Do you care about me?”
“More than you know.”
My pulse sped up, and my stomach fluttered. “Then that’s all that matters.”
Liam shook his head. “I wish that was all that mattered. I need to tell you something first.”
“No.” My eyes begged for his understanding. “No more talking. I know the real you, Liam. I don’t need to know your past or whatever sins you think you’ve committed. No matter how much you try to tell me how bad you are for me, that only proves to me how good you are. You’re special. I want this with you. I’m ready.”
Liam stared into my eyes, and I watched his resolve melt away. He reached up to tuck a chunk of hair behind my ear with a tender touch. “Are you sure? We don’t have to do this right now.”
“Of course we don’t. But I want to.” I kissed him, my tongue brushing against his until our bodies started to move against one another. “Please.”
He lifted my shirt off and then kissed his way across every bare inch of skin. Goose bumps rose up on my arms and stomach. My jeans went next, his mouth following the fabric as they peeled down my legs. He undressed me, his pace so agonizingly slow that I was aching with anticipation.
I reached to push my panties down, and his hand covered mine to stop me. “Why so slow?” I teased.
“Because.” His words and kisses and lips inched down over my knee on their way to my toes. “I want to remember every single moment of this.”
I smiled, slipping my hand out from under his and resting it on my stomach. He was right. I wanted to remember this too. I closed my eyes and gave myself over to the sensations his mouth and touch were causing.
When he was done stripping me, I felt him get up from the bed, and I heard the sounds of his clothes dropping to the floor. In the back of my mind, I wondered if I should feel nervous or shy to be completely bare to him. But I wasn’t. I just felt adored. Worshipped. I opened my eyes and watched as he sat down in the middle of the bed next to me. And the way he looked at me, I knew. We hadn’t said the words, but he was falling for me just as hard as I was falling for him.
Liam leaned over to kiss me, and as he sat back up, he pulled me with him, gently moving me until I was straddling him. His hand cupped my chin.
“You still sure about this?” he asked, nodding to the condom in his hand. The green of his eyes was dark and soft with what I could only describe as vulnerability. His ever-present smirk was gone, and I could tell that he wanted to kiss me again. That he needed to.
“Absolutely.” I traced my thumb along his lower lip, eager to get my mouth back on him.
He lifted my chin with his finger to bring my gaze back to his, and I was almost dizzy by the intensity I saw in his eyes. “This position will make it easier.” He ran a hand up the side of my thigh. “I want you to be in control your first time. You want to stop, you want to go, it’s all up to you. Yeah?”
“Okay,” I managed to say. He was still my teacher, still my protector, still showing me how to face my fears. Because no matter how confident I might force myself to sound, I was scared. This wasn’t just casual sex. This was handing over the one piece of myself I would only be able to give once. And I was giving it to someone who held my fragile heart in his hands.
He only broke eye contact so that he could open the condom and put it on. When he was done, he took my hand and placed it between us. Then he leaned in to press his lips to mine, speaking against my mouth. “I’m all yours.”
I wrapped my hand around him, and he groaned in response. I lifted up on my knees, his mouth and tongue worshipping my breast as his hands went to my back to hold me to him. I rubbed the tip of him against me, and his mouth became frantic, sucking and licking as his groans vibrated against my skin.
I slowly lowered down, taking him in a little at a time. His body was rigid beneath me, his breathing ragged, as he resisted the urge to buck up into me. He wasn’t in all the way when I started to feel a slight twinge of pain.
I glanced down to see he was looking at where we were joined. His expression was soft. Content. “Don’t rush,” he said, his voice ragged. “You’re in control.”
I lifted back up slightly on my knees, letting him slip out a bit before moving back down to claim him again. Holding on to his shoulders, I pulsed up and down over his lap. He went deeper with every dip of my hips. The skin between us was so slick and hot and perfect. My head fell back as a moan shuddered out of me. Liam’s mouth was immediately at my throat, kissing down to my shoulder.
“Take it slow,” he murmured. His hands went to my hips befor
e slipping down under my ass. It was almost like he could tell when I got close to the moment of discomfort because he was there to lift me up and ease me back down again.
His hand moved closer to where we were connected, and when his fingers brushed against my sensitive skin, exploring and teasing, I lost all control. My hips pressed down in one last forceful plunge until the backs of my legs slammed against Liam’s thighs.
My breath caught in my throat at the sudden burst of pain, and my arms went around him, holding him so tightly against me that neither of us moved.
When the pain finally dissipated, I released my breath and sighed, “Liam,” as I leaned against him. He was mine. All of him.
“Lex,” he groaned against my neck.
I moved my hips in a small circle, and when I realized there was no pain, I did it again with more force. And again.
Liam’s hands were on my hips, and I wasn’t sure if he was guiding me or holding on as my body started to lift and press and circle and plunge over his.
“That’s it,” he encouraged, mirroring my movements.
A wild need built inside me, and I gave in to it, allowing my body to demand what it wanted. Liam followed, his hips thrusting up to meet mine as I continued to grind against him and sink onto him over and over again. His mouth was constantly moving, mapping my skin with sweet kisses.
His lips broke away from my skin just long enough for him to mutter something that sounded like “angel.”
I opened my eyes to find him looking at me. The vulnerability was still there, but also a hunger. I recognized it because I was just as needy for him. Starved.
My hands went to his shoulders as my hips moved faster, chasing my control away. A burst of pleasure built at the base of my spine until it crested and crashed over me, waves of bliss pulsing through my body as I pressed down on Liam one final time. He gripped my waist and pushed up into me with a few quick thrusts until his head was thrown back in a final groan.
