by Laura Ward
Last spring when I found out that Mr. Sinclair was in remission, I was inspired to walk into Inkspiration. For the first time since I left Lex, I had hope for her. For us. Mr. Sinclair was still alive, I was building a future I was proud of, and I wanted a way to keep Lex with me all the time. Not just as a picture in my pocket but marked on my skin.
The tattoo covered my entire back. It took a while for me to get it completed because I had to save money for each session, but it was worth it. As the art became more defined with each visit, so did my view of the future. Lex had changed me for the better, and I was going to prove to her that I was someone she could trust. The only man she wanted.
I had Chuck complete the angel of light first. Having a permanent reminder of Lex with me was almost like claiming her. She was mine, and I was going to take care of her for as long as she’d let me.
But today wasn’t that day. Today Lex’s heart was breaking again and I wasn’t there to hold it together. I hated myself for it—that my choices and our circumstances had forced us apart. Today I welcomed the pain of the needles. I needed to remind myself why I was here in training while she was home, all alone, with her grief.
This morning my mom told me that Mr. Sinclair’s cancer was back. Life was toying with Lex, giving her hope one day only to snatch it away again five months later. It wasn’t fair. I would give anything to give Lex back all the things that had been stolen from her. But that wasn’t an option.
“Lean forward,” Chuck said, nudging my head toward the cushion in front of me. The sudden buzz of the tattoo machine forced me out of my dark thoughts, and as I leaned my face into the black leather, I let myself feel every permanent stroke left by the needles.
Today the angel of light on my back would finally deliver the tormented angel from his own prison of darkness. Just like Lex had done for me.
A sudden, intense moment of understanding erupted in my chest as the needles scraped across my skin.
I loved her.
I loved Alexis Sinclair.
And I needed her to love me too.
Chapter Twenty-Three
I loved the library. Quiet, organized, full of answers. It was the one place where everything always made sense.
“So,” Asher said, closing his book and pushing it to the side so he could lean forward over the table and make eye contact with me. “You want to go to the tailgate with me this weekend?”
“Oh, ah… I can’t.” I tilted my head, trying to remember if this subject had already been brought up with Taren and Julie. There were so many parties and Greek events that sometimes I couldn’t keep track of them. “I’m going home this weekend. I won’t be around.”
Asher leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms as he frowned. “You go home almost every weekend. I thought we had a deal. I get to take the prettiest girl to all the parties, and you let me hook up with you afterward.” His frown dissolved into a charming smile.
“Hmm. Yes. I forgot about our deal.” I forced a grin to my face. “But I can’t this weekend. Sorry. You should take Jenna though. She’s single now. She probably doesn’t have a date yet.” In the beginning Asher had been understanding. After Liam left, I didn’t want a relationship, I just wanted comfort. Friendship. Asher had seemed satisfied with a few kisses at parties and a little groping in dark corners. We were both busy with classes and schoolwork, and when I told him I didn’t have time for dates, he always admitted he didn’t either. Lately, however, things had changed. He seemed to want more. And I didn’t have more to give.
Asher’s jaw clenched briefly before he spoke. “You’re okay with me going with someone else?” He narrowed his eyes at me. “I don’t want to fuck up what we have like Pickles did with Taren.”
Pickles. The idiot cheated on Taren. No one was less surprised than me.
I sighed. Asher was being sweet but… “We don’t have a commitment, Asher. Remember? We’re not dating like Pickles and Taren were. No promises. Just fun. We’re friends. You can take someone else to the tailgate, and we’ll still be friends. I promise I won’t be pissed.”
“Friend-zoned? Just like that?”
Friend-zoned? What else did he think this was? We’d never slept together. We hung out at parties, we danced, and we kissed. But we’d never been boyfriend and girlfriend.
Had we?
I felt a flush of fear race through my body. I didn’t want a relationship. I told him that. I—
“Calm down,” Asher said, interrupting my freak-out. He placed his hand on mine. “I’m joking. I’m not trying to lay claim on you. I just don’t want to hurt your feelings. You’re right. We’re… friends.” He didn’t say the word the way I had. I said it fondly. His way was forced.
I shook my head. “You won’t hurt my feelings. You should go with Jenna. Or, you know, anyone else you want. Don’t let me hold you back.”
A look of annoyance flashed across his face, but it was gone quickly. “Yeah. I’ll do that. So,” he said, looking away. “Are you coming to my formal or are you gonna bail on that too?” He turned to give me a tight smile.
My stomach clenched at the disappointment I saw in his eyes. “I’ll be there. I promised you I would.” I might not attend all the events or even many of them, but when I promised to go to one, I always did. I didn’t break promises. Even the ones I desperately wanted to.
***
A warm fall day was a gift from above. At least that’s what my dad always told me. I thought about him as I stretched out on the blanket beneath me, letting the rays of the sun seep into my blindingly pasty, white skin.
I closed my eyes and listened to the chatter of my sorority sisters. Our sundeck was one of the most popular spots in our house. Built in between two eaves of the roof, it was hidden from view below. The privacy from the outside world made it feel like a secret hideaway. In the spring we’d lay out in skimpy bikinis sunning ourselves. During exams, sisters would huddle together, smoking cigarettes in an attempt to calm their frazzled nerves. Anytime the sun shined, this was the place to socialize and relax.
Today Taren lay next to me on our shared blanket. We were waiting on Julie, who had asked us to meet her here. Now that Homecoming was over, she had free time on her hands, and she wanted to chat.
That meant she wanted to talk about a guy.
“Hola, chicas.” Julie snapped her towel in the air as she unrolled it. She flopped down next to me with a long sigh and leaned back on her elbows, tilting her chin toward the sun. “Remind me again why we have to go to classes. I’d much rather stay here and nap all day long.”
“Mmm,” Taren agreed. “But that’s the whole purpose of college, Jules. Classes.”
Julie groaned and looked at her watch. “Thankfully not for another hour. I’m not looking forward to Professor James or his body odor. You know I can smell him all the way from the back row? That man is potent.” She shuddered. “I don’t even want to think about it. Distract me. What’s going on with you and Alec?”
I opened my eyes and turned my head to the side to see Taren sit up cross-legged on the blanket. She twisted her thumb ring in circles and scrunched her nose.
“I don’t know. I feel like he’s giving me mixed signals. Like he did back in high school. One minute he’s all over me, and then he turns down my invite to The Shell. I can’t decide what he’s thinking,” she said, sounding defeated.
“Have you asked him?” I questioned, eyebrows raised. Sometimes the simplest solution was the best one.
Julie mirrored Taren’s cross-legged position. “She can’t do that! She’ll look too desperate, too interested. Play it cool, T.”
I sat up too and rolled my eyes at Julie. “She doesn’t need to pretend she’s not interested, Jules. She’s into him. Why all the games? Why can’t she just be honest? Honesty is the highest form of intimacy.”
Julie narrowed her eyes at me. “Oh really? Cause you’re the queen of honesty, right?”
My stomach recoiled. What the hell? I stared at her, wide-e
yed, as the silence turned awkward. We’d never had a real fight. Sure I irritated Julie because I didn’t like to party like she did, but it had never been a big deal. Now she was throwing down a challenge and calling me out on the fact that I wasn’t open with them. Even though she was right, I wasn’t about to tell her that.
I looked at her for a long minute. Glancing back to Taren, desperate to turn the conversation away from me and my secrets, I said, “Back to the issue of Alec. I thought things were going great. What exactly are you worried about?”
Taren frowned. “Alec is awesome. He’s smart, hardworking, sweet, and drop-dead sexy. I like him a lot, but I’m worried that as a couple, we’re not compatible. We live in polar opposite worlds.”
“Haven’t you ever heard that opposites attract?” I asked, the corner of my lips tilting up into a small grin.
Julie huffed. “If that’s true, then why aren’t you with Liam? You two were about as opposite as they come. Now you’re with Asher, who is basically the male version of you. Preppy, studious, predictable…” Julie’s voice drifted off as she swept her arm in front of her, indicating the fact that I was overdressed compared to the rest of my sisters and that I was the only one who had brought textbooks out on the deck. “See my point?”
Julie might have used the words preppy, studious, and predictable, but what she meant was boring. And I was fine with that. I wasn’t offended because I knew all too well that although being adventurous was fun, it was too risky for me.
Taren frowned at Julie on my behalf. “Jules,” she warned. Then she turned back to me. “What happened to Liam? Do you talk to him? All you ever told us is that you broke up.” Taren pressed her mouth into a flat line.
I could sense her hurt as well as Julie’s resentment. They had every right to feel the way they did. I might be steady and predictable, but I wasn’t being real. They talked all the time about their lives and families. Me? Nada. I was an emotional vault.
And now Taren was attempting to break her way inside, bringing up things I tried to avoid. Worry seized my breath, and although I didn’t want to answer her questions, I knew I had to say something. I couldn’t just stay silent and continue to shut them out.
I cleared my throat to ease the building pressure. “Liam enlisted in the Army. He left last year, right after the night he slept over. I haven’t heard from him since then.”
“But why did you break up? Lots of people do long-distance relationships.” Julie unscrewed the cap off her diet soda and took a drink.
I chewed on my lip. “Bad timing. College was just starting, and he was moving away.”
Julie locked eyes with mine. She took a deep breath and then blew it out in a puff. “Lex.” She leaned in close to me. “I love you. You and T are the best girls I know. You know I’d do anything for you. I’d knee Asher in the balls if he ever hurt you. I’d spray Liam right in the face with my best hairspray if he made you cry. Seriously, all you have to do is say the word, and I’m there for you. So, it guts me that you don’t feel the same way about me. That you can’t trust me enough to share your pain.”
I felt the color drain from my face. “Julie.” My voice cracked, and I swallowed over the lump that formed in my throat. “I do feel the same for you. Why would you think otherwise?”
Julie stood up, grabbing her towel and her soda. “Because if you loved me, you would let me in. T and me. I know you’re not telling us the full truth. Bad timing?” She snorted. “That’s an excuse, not the real reason you broke up. There’s something about Liam that makes you feel guilty. I could see it in the way you couldn’t even look at me when you talked about him.”
I was struck speechless by her ability to see straight through me.
“If you trusted us,” she said, putting her hand on her hip, “you would let us get to know the whole Alexis and not just the perfect parts. If you ever trust me enough to do that, know I’ll be waiting. I want to be that kind of friend for you, Lex. I think you need it. I know I do.”
Julie walked back through the door to go into the house. Just like that. I was dumbfounded. I’d always just assumed that she was as shallow as she acted. She was the crazy party animal, and it shocked me that all this time she had paid attention to everything I’d never shared. It surprised me she cared so much.
I turned toward Taren to find her twisting a piece of her hair. “We both know something is going on with you. I never wanted to pressure you to share stuff you didn’t want to, but I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk. Okay?” She held her arms open, and I swallowed back a sob as I hugged her.
“Okay. I’ll try to get there.” I choked out the words, my usually calm emotions rising like a tsunami.
“I know you will.” Taren hugged me tighter, and I realized for the first time that, while we might not share blood between us, Taren and Julie truly wanted to be part of my family.
The only thing holding me back from letting them in was me. But was it worth it to open up all my emotional baggage at school, my one safe place?
Send me a sign, Sam.
Chapter Twenty-Four
“How was your Christmas, Stacy?” I sipped my coffee and pushed a Danish, about the size of my head, into the middle of the table. “I got this for us to share.”
Stacy grinned widely. “Or we could each get our own.” She pulled the pastry closer to her side of the table. “These are my favorite!” She tore a piece off and popped it into her mouth.
No sharing pastries. Just cheese fries. Noted.
As I watched Stacy enjoy her treat, I looked around the Union. I was so happy to be back in school after spending winter break at home. And I felt so guilty for feeling that way. The fact was, being at home was hard. Dad was in pain and getting worse every day. My normally capable mother was crumbling under the pressure. She was using every reserve she had to stay positive for him, but when Dad was in bed and we were alone, she wept. She was scared. She was sad. She was broken by his illness, and I didn’t know how to hold her together. I’d never had to do that before.
I was all those things too, but here at school I could close that box and focus on other things. And hanging out with Stacy McGee definitely lifted my mood.
She wiped her mouth and sipped her hot chocolate. “My Christmas was good. I got a new bowling ball. Neon yellow!”
I sat back in my chair. “I didn’t know you bowled. We should do that sometime.”
Stacy clapped her hands together. “Yes! I am in a bowling club. We meet every Saturday. I love to bowl. I am very good. Bad part is I have to watch Terence suck face with Jane.”
I grinned, and some of the built-up tension in my shoulders eased. “Well, clearly Terence is taken. There’s nothing you can do about that. Aren’t there any other boys you’re interested in?”
Stacy shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. My dad says that dating is not a part of my world.” She stood up and cleared her trash. She wore her customary purple shoes with red laces, and blue-framed eyeglasses. A multicolored crocheted vest was buttoned over a white shirt and high-waisted blue jeans.
I cocked my head to the side. “What do you mean, ‘part of your world’?”
Stacy sat back down and frowned. “I went to a regular school. I want to be like everyone else. I want to do what the other kids do. But my dad says I am not regular. I am special. He said no dating.”
My lips twisted to the side. I wasn’t sure what the right response was. Stacy was special. But she also deserved to experience life just like anyone else. I had yet to meet her parents, and I wasn’t sure crossing them by giving her contrary advice was the best bet for my future friendship with her.
“You are special, Stacy. And that’s exactly why you deserve to be happy.” I chewed the inside of my lip, trying to think of some way to help her, to bring happiness to her life like she did for me. “How about this? If you ever meet a guy you’d like to date, you let me know, and maybe we can talk to your parents together?”
Stacy beamed. “Thank you, Le
x. That is so cool. I am glad we met. I like you.”
I grinned back. “I like you too.”
She stared at me, and I felt a blush creep up my neck. “You are special too. People usually look away when they see me.” She motioned to her vest. “They look at my clothes and my face and see that I am different. Then they look away. My dad says it is because I am so colorful.”
I swallowed hard and waited for her to get out her thoughts.
“Not you. You never look away. You smile when you look at me. Why?” Stacy’s eyebrows pulled together as she finished.
Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes. “Looking at you reminds me of my sister. I don’t think I ever told you, but she and I used to chase rainbows with our dad. It was one of our favorite things to do as kids. Now that my sister is gone and my dad is sick, I have to look for rainbows by myself. But I do it because they make me think of her. When you wear all your bright clothes, you remind me of a rainbow. You make me think of good memories of my sister. You’re such a sweet, caring person. Being with you makes me happy.”
Stacy grinned, and we stood up to walk back to the meeting room. She slipped her hand into mine. “I remind you of rainbows. I like that.”
I liked that too.
***
“And he forgave me. We’re back together.” Taren sighed, a dreamy smile drifting across her face.
“I’m so happy for you.” I reached over and hugged her. Julie jumped on top of us, and we fell to the floor in a pile.
“I’m telling you, you looked so hot in that dress I would have banged you myself.” Julie waggled her eyebrows at Taren, and I smiled. “A little girl lovin’ might be just what I need to finally get band boy’s attention. It’s either that or shoot glitter out of my ass.”
