by Autumn Avery
“I—I’m sorry, Walker.” It’s all I can say. “I didn’t know.”
“No one does,” he says, stepping towards me. “It’s not something I tell just anyone.”
He’s right in front of me, and even though the heat out here is sweltering, it’s nothing compared to what I feel rise up inside me as I look up into his piercing brown eyes. I’m blushing!
And Walker can definitely see it, but he doesn’t react. He just keeps staring at me. My heart pounds in my chest like an overactive drummer, and I feel myself starting to sweat. I want to reach out and touch him. I want to feel his skin, his muscles, his body underneath my fingers. But I can’t. I’m overheating, but I’m frozen in place.
Slowly, Walker reaches out towards me. My breath catches in my chest. I try to swallow, but my throat is dry. His hand grows closer and closer. My heart beats fast and faster, then ever so gently, he brushes a strand of hair from my face.
“You’re sweating,” he whispers.
“It’s—it’s hot,” I stammer, my mouth on autopilot. I’m entranced by him. I feel so small beneath him, waiting, just waiting for what’s going to happen next.
I see a moment of hesitation in him, but just a moment. Then he leans in to kiss me.
Just before his lips reach mine, I turn away. No! I can’t!
Walker pulls back.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, unable to look at him. “I—I have a boyfriend.”
Silence. Only the sound of the wind. Every second that goes by is an eternity. I want to look up at him, but I can’t. What is he thinking? He knows I have a boyfriend!
But he doesn’t care, and that turns me on. We can’t do this, and it makes me want it so much more. I’ve wanted him since the moment I met him. But I’m not a cheater. I could never do that to Ronald. That is a line I will never cross. My mom cheated on my father when I was in high school. He forgave her, but their relationship never recovered. She broke his heart.
“I get it,” Walker finally says. “Come on. Let’s go back.”
His shadow passes across my face, and I hear his footsteps crunch along the dirt as he walks back to the car. The hinges squeak as he pulls the door open, and I snap out of my stupor. Moving back to the truck, I take another look back at Walker’s childhood home, trying to picture what growing up here was like for him.
I snap myself out of my stupor and head back to the car, hopping in beside him. It’s like a sauna in here, which is doing nothing to help my struggle of keeping my clothes on.
I want him, I admit. But I can’t. Not now. There is every reason in the world for me not to sleep with him, and only one reason to…well, maybe two…
Walker starts the car and the blast of AC feels like heaven on my face. I aim one of the blowers directly at me and close my eyes. I hear the engine rev and we pull away from his house, heading back towards the main road. We sit in silence for a long time, and it’s only after the tension has become unbearable that I finally speak.
“I…have a boyfriend,” I say again.
“You already said that,” Walker says, sounding somewhere between dismayed and annoyed.
“I think I’m just reminding myself.”
“I told you that you wanted me,” he says, flashing me that cocky grin again.
“Why do you have to do that!?” I protest, slapping his shoulder with my hand.
“Do what?!”
“Always make a joke out of everything!”
“Well what the Hell do you want me to say?” He asks. “You want me to get all soap opera on your ass and tell you how much I love you and how you need to leave your boyfriend for me?”
How much he loves me?
That isn’t what he meant. It can’t be. This is all too much. My mind is all over the place. I don’t know how to deal with this right now. Maybe I should just give in to my desires. Maybe Walker is right; I’m just a stuck-up, nervous girl that’s just too scared to follow through on her feelings.
I look at his body sitting next to me. Even when relaxed he looks like he’s just come from the gym. A light coating of sweat is causing his muscles to shine in the hot Texas sun. I’m suddenly possessed by an animalistic desire I’ve never felt before. I want to lean out and lick him. I want to bite him. I want to feel his arms wrap around me and pin me down on the seat. I want him to pull off the road and take me right here – take the decision out of my hands and make me his.
I don’t want to choose. I can’t make this decision.
Make it for me, I think, praying that somehow he will hear me and take action.
I’m being ridiculous. I run my hands through my hair and rub my eyes. I’m starting to get a headache. That happens to me when I get stressed out. A real great situation I’ve gotten myself into here. Real professional, Emmy!
The AC isn’t helping anymore. The truck feels stuffy and confined. I’m imprisoned here next to the man of my dreams, and there’s no escape. I’m his, and he won’t even take me like we both want him to!
“I—” I start to speak, but shut my mouth. That’s probably not the best idea. I have no idea what I’ll say if I do. I have to just ride this out. Get back to campus and get away from him.
But what about Ronald? What do I do? Should I break up with him? He loves me…doesn’t he? Sure he’s moody sometimes, but he puts a lot of pressure on himself. I don’t want to hurt him. I know he would never hurt me.
Never in my life have I been so uncomfortable and conflicted. It’s like being a little girl again and seeing all my Christmas presents under the tree, but being told I can’t open them because my mom bought me a bike last week.
The entire ride home we sit together in silence. I can’t help but feel there’s some understanding between us. What that is I don’t know, and it could all be in my head, but it feels like Walker and I have crossed some sort of threshold. All this tension is going to kill me. It’s not until we’re finally pulling back onto campus that my heart decides it’s okay to stop doing jumping jacks.
“Which one’s you?” Walker asks, causing me to jump. We’ve sat in silence for so long hearing his voice is like a poke in the stomach.
“Kilborn,” I say. Walker turns left on Campus Ave and heads in the direction of my dorm. When we finally pull up, I’m not able to get out of the truck. What an eye opener today was. How in the world am I supposed to write a followup article to my last piece?
“Game day tomorrow,” Walker says. “We’re playing Arizona. Scouts will be there. You should come. Watch me kick some ass.”
“They’re gonna let you play, huh?”
“Yeah,” he grins. “As long as things don’t get any worse.”
I clear my throat. “What time?”
“Two o’clock.”
I nod, getting stuck in the rhythm, staring at him like a robot. “You all right?” He flashes me a smile that somehow returns some of the normalcy of the situation.
“Yeah!” I say quickly, pulling the passenger door open. “Yeah, I’ll uh…I’ll see ya tomorrow.
I hop out onto the sidewalk and move to close the door, but before I can, Walker chimes in with one last comment. “Try not to have any wet dreams about me tonight.”
I can’t even help the smile-scowl that comes across my face.
“Don’t think about me when you jerk off,” I reply, slamming the door shut and turning quickly away. That’s not like me, I think as I stride to my dorm, wondering if Walker is checking out my ass.
Of course he is!
I slide my keycard, pull the door open and step into the heaven of central air. Today has been hot enough without even factoring in my time with Walker. I hear his truck as he pulls away and can’t help wondering what he’s thinking.
Probably what I look like naked on his bed.
I take the stairs two at a time and push my dorm room door open.
“Abbey!” I shout.
“Jesus!” She shouts, almost falling out of her chair. “Take it easy, crazy girl!”
�
�My day – you have no idea,” I say, pulling my chair up right in front of her. “Walker took me to his house.”
“Football house?”
“No!” I reply, feeling my heart start to race again. “His house house. Like, where he grew up.”
Abbey frowns like she’s debating whether I’m lying or not. “What are you talking about? What are you two getting hitched or something?”
“No! Don’t be stupid! It was for my article. He wanted to show me where he grew up. He told me his life story. Well, not all of it. But some of it.”
“Wow, this is getting serious between you two!”
“Oh, stop it!” I say, smacking her lightly on the leg. “But like – seriously. What does this mean, do you think?”
“Means he wants you to have his babies!” She exclaims, an enormous smile n her face. “Cha ching!” She jokes, doing her best imitation of a rapper making it rain.
“No, but seriously—“
“I am serious, Emmy! This is a big deal. He like, wants you wants you.”
“You think?” I say, feeling suddenly shy. It’s one thing to listen to Walker’s purely sexual advances and another thing think that he might actually be into me emotionally.
“Uh, yeah. I do think. How many sorority sluts do you think have gone anywhere but upstairs with Walker “The Stallion” Johnson?”
That’s a good question. When she puts it that way, suddenly my trip off campus seems to carry even more weight. “What was it like?” She asks.
“Modest,” I reply. “You’d never guess it was where he grew up.”
“I always thought he was like some rich dick from the Austin suburbs or something.”
“So did I!” I say, sitting back and taking a deep breath. My laptop sits on my desk, and my mind is racing. How am I going to write the followup to my last piece? An apology may be in order.
“Hey, didn’t you have something going on tonight?” Abbey says. Then I remember.
“Shit!” I exclaim, leaping up from my chair. “I have a study session with Ronald! He’s gonna kill me. I gotta go!”
I really need a shower, but after all my recent cancellations, I just need to get over there and help him out. This is a really tough time of year for him and I guess I’ve been kind of slacking on my duties as a girlfriend.
I push the outside door open and step out into the heat. It really is unbearable today. It’s also humid, which means I’m constantly trying to get a full breath as I hurry across campus. It’s normally about a ten-minute walk to Ronald’s dorm, but I make it in just over six minutes. As I reach the steps I pull out my phone and dial.
It rings and rings.
“Come on, Ron!” I say to the phone. Is he deliberately not answering? Maybe he’s mad at me.
My mind starts going into worry mode. Was he angrier than I thought that I couldn’t help him study? Did he really care that I was doing an article on Walker? Ronald has always been a bit jealous, but never to the point of throwing a temper tantrum or anything.
“Ron!” I say again. The call goes to voicemail. I hang up and go to call again, but before I can press his name in my phone, the door opens and a girl steps out. She holds it for me.
“Thank you!” I say, slipping inside. Ronald’s dorm is a senior dorm only and is a series of suites, each with four to five rooms. His suite is at the end of the hall, and just as I reach the door, I see Noah, his pre-med roommate, coming out.
“Hey, Noah!” I say in that tone that says nice to see you but don’t bother me right now.
“Oh, Emmy…hey, uh Ronald’s kind of busy right now—” He says as I brush past him. The living room is a mess and I feel my mild cleanliness-OCD start to kick in, but I ignore it and head straight for Ronald’s room.
“Hey, babe,” I say loudly to the closed door. “I’m so sorry, I lost track of time—“
I push the door open and my heart stops.
Bent over Ronald’s desk, is Cassie Jenkins, a girl from one of Ronald’s classes, and behind her, fucking her like he’s angry at her, is my boyfriend.
I feel like I’m going to throw up. They’re both covered in sweat, and Ronald’s face is cherry red, and when he turns around and sees me, he doesn’t even look ashamed.
“Emmy!?” He shouts, almost out of reflex. “What are you doing here!?”
He’s shouting at me. At me? What is going on right now? He’s acting like I’m the one that’s done something wrong here. His fucking pants are at his ankles I notice, which means this is more than likely a quickie and he’s probably been cheating on me for some time now.
Finally, he pulls out of Cassie and pulls his pants up as he turns to face me. “This isn’t what it looks like—” He starts to say.
“You’re disgusting,” I spit back, turning and running from the room. I hear his voice shout something behind me, but I’m already crossing the living room on my way out of the suite. I tear open the door to the hallway and race past Noah, who hasn’t even made it out of the building yet.
“Nice try covering for your friend, asshole,” I snarl as I brush past. I hear the door to the suite crash open and Ronald’s footsteps as he chases me. My breath is shallow and forced, and my neck feels tight. The air in here isn’t so soothing anymore.
“Emmy, wait!”
“Fuck you!” I scream over my shoulder, brushing my hair out of my face, practically kicking the door open to the outside. The sweltering air is like a wall of heat, and I step out into it without hesitation. To think that I was the one worrying about my responsibilities in this relationship. Here I am thinking I’ve upset my boyfriend because I haven’t been spending enough time with him, and the whole time he’s fucking some slut from one of his classes.
“Emmy! It wasn’t what you think—“
“Oh, really?!” I scream, whirling around to face Ronald, who actually backs up like he’s afraid. He should be. Right now I could tear his arms off his body. “What was it, Ronald? Because it looked to me like you were sticking your puny little dick in that slut from your class. Am I wrong?!”
“I just—” he stammers, processing an excuse. How revolting. I can barely even look at him right now. It’s like every misgiving I’ve ever had about our relationship, about the way Ronald treats me, comes rising up within me and I can’t even figure out why I started seeing this boy in the first place.
Boy. That’s what he is. No man treats the woman he loves like this.
But Ronald doesn’t love me either. I know that now. Ronald only cares about one person – himself.
“It was a one-time thing. I’m sorry. I didn’t know that was going to happen. She came onto me!”
Excuses, excuses. “Yeah, she really looked like she was doing all the work there,” I say sarcastically. Now I don’t feel guilty for holding out on him. I think I always knew there was a reason I kept him at arm’s distance, and now I know I was right.
It’s time to trust my intuition and stop second guessing myself.
“Please, baby,” Ronald pleads with me. A crowd has started to form, and I don’t care. In fact, I’m glad they’re here. It will only make his humiliation even worse. He deserves it. “Don’t do this. Just come inside and we’ll talk.”
“We are never talking again, Ronald,” I tell him, stepping right up to his face. “Don’t call me. Don’t text me, and never come by my dorm again or I’ll call campus security. You are a pig!”
And I slap him.
I’ve never slapped anyone before, but I can’t help myself. It’s a good thing I’m not a guy the size of Walker, because there’s a good chance Ronald might end up dead.
Wow, that felt good! I think to myself as I walk away from him. I hope he’s staring at my ass, because that’s the last time he’s ever going to see it! The ten-minute walk back to my dorm is exactly what I need. I need to cool off. It’s not even the fact that Ronald cheated on me that upsets me. It’s the fact that I was the one thinking I was doing something wrong. I was worried about missing our st
udy sessions and upsetting him by spending too much time with Walker, and here he was behind my back with another girl.
It’s just the utter hypocrisy and douchebaggery that gets my blood boiling. I wasn’t even that into him, I realize. I’m not jealous. I’m not hurt. I’m not possessive. I’m just pissed off at how much of a dick he is. And here I was a few days ago thinking Walker was a dick.
At least Walker is honest about his lifestyle. Why would he ever get a girlfriend just to cheat on her when he can have as many girls as he wants whenever he wants? If you’re going to sleep around then at least be honest about it. Ronald just wants a girl that he can have around when and where he wants her, who is going to listen to him and be there while he’s screwing around on her.
I see my dorm and start picturing Abbey’s reaction. She’ll want to kill him too. I already know what she’ll say, but right now being up in my room pouting is not what I need.
What do I need? The image of Ronald and Cassie fills my mind. Ronald standing out on the quad looking for excuses.
Don’t second guess yourself, I think. Trust your intuition.
I veer away from my dorm and pick up the pace. I can’t play this game any longer. This thing with Ronald is just what I needed to make me realize what it is I really want.
Within five minutes I’m at the football house.
I take the steps two at a time and shove the front door open.
“Ayyye. Emmy right?” Kyle waves at me from the couch. I give him a curt smile and head for the stairs, racing up them like I’m on doing drills at the field. “Walker’s uh…upstairs somewhere.”
I don’t respond. I reach the top of the stairs and turn to Walker’s room. The door is closed, but I shove it open and step into his room. He’s standing shirtless by his closet, a towel wrapped around his waist.
“Emmy!” He looks surprised. “I was just about to shower—“
“Fuck me,” I tell him. He just looks at me. Come on! This is what you want, I say with my eyes. “Take me, Walker. Now!”
“Are you…sure—?” He asks, looking legitimately shocked.
