by Tamie Dearen
*****
Spencer checked the time again as he paced in the lobby of the Gherring’s apartment building. It wasn’t even eight o’clock yet. He didn’t want to go upstairs too early, but he didn’t think he could wait much longer. He’d hardly slept the night before. He realized Charlie was right. He no longer felt any anger about Asher Denning. He was only aware of the fear and agony he’d felt when he’d almost lost her. Twice. He knew he was in love with her. Both times he would gladly have given his life to save hers. He had to let her know how he felt, but he couldn’t say words like “love” too soon. He had to be careful. She liked to be in control, and he didn’t want to scare her away.
The elevator doors opened, and he felt instant rage at the sight of the man exiting. “What are you doing here, Josh?” He ground the words out between his teeth.
“Hello, Spencer. How are you?” Josh smiled, his voice filled with unequivocal delight. “I was simply taking care of my patients. I don’t usually make house calls. But in special cases I’m willing to make an exception.” He waggled his eyebrows. “And this is definitely a special case.”
Spencer felt a clear understanding of the term justifiable homicide. “Get out!”
“I’m leaving, but only because I have to go to work. Certainly not because you think you commanded it. Have a good day.”
Spencer watched him exit through the lobby door, breathing deeply to calm himself. It was obviously not too early to see the Gherrings. So he punched in the code that allowed him to take the elevator up to the penthouse and knocked on the door, pacing nervously until it opened.
“Hi, Spencer,” said Gherring. “This time it really is you. A little earlier—“
“I know,” Spencer snapped. “Josh was here. I saw him downstairs.”
“Yes, he just knocked on the door. He must have learned the code from Charlie last night. It was a total surprise.”
“An unpleasant one as far as I’m concerned. Is Emily available?”
“Sure, she’ll be right out.” He walked toward the bedrooms, calling, “Emily! Spencer’s here to see you.”
His heart hammered in his chest. The last time he’d spoken to her, she’d been sitting at a table with Asher Denning. So much had happened since then, but they hadn’t communicated. She limped into the room, obviously trying, but failing, to appear uninjured.
“Hi Spencer.” Her eyes studied the carpet around his feet.
“I... uhmm... I think I hear Anne calling me.” Gherring disappeared into the bedroom.
Spencer couldn’t help staring at the bruises and cuts that carpeted her legs. “Hi. How do you feel?”
He stood awkwardly in front of her while she perched on the couch. “I’m okay. I didn’t run twenty miles like you did.”
“I… uhmm… I came to see you yesterday, but you’d already gone.”
“I know. I heard. But it was such a long way to the Devil’s Path—I had to leave really early to get there.”
“Why did you ask Becca? You should have called me.”
“I didn’t think you’d answer if I called. Would you have answered?”
“I... I don’t know. I’d like to think so.”
Tears welled in her eyes. “I was desperate.”
“I really hate you went through that. And you have all those cuts all over you.”
“I know. They’re ugly.”
“That’s not what I mean. I don’t want you to be hurt. Ever.”
“I don’t know. I felt like I deserved it... after I lied and everything. I was just flattered, you know. Asher didn’t mean anything—”
“I know. I know. I didn’t... When I thought I’d lost you... When I thought you were... I couldn’t handle it.”
“I’m sorry. And I know you saved my life. They told me—”
“And then Josh saved your life,” he bit out sarcastically.
“Are you mad at me about Josh? I didn’t ask for him to come along, you know.”
“No, I’m not mad at you, but I can’t stand that guy.”
“Honestly, I think I’d probably still be out there, lost on that mountain, if Josh and Brad hadn’t happened by. I was about to turn off the trail because I couldn’t believe my directions were right.”
“He’s a jerk.”
“Funny. He said the same thing about you, and he hadn’t even met you.”
“Well, he really is a jerk, and he’s trying to steal you from me.” He gritted his teeth. “It’s so unfair. You’re not even mine, and he’s trying to take you away.”
“Well, he doesn’t control me. No one controls me.”
“What was he doing up here this morning, anyway?”
He watched her cheeks flush. “He came to check out my ankle. And while he was here he put a new IV in Mom’s arm. That’s all. It was just doctor stuff.”
“So he’s your doctor now?” She flinched at his sarcasm.
“No. I didn’t even know he was a doctor.”
“You didn’t know when he gave you codeine? When he drugged you?”
“I didn’t know until this morning. And don’t use that tone with me!”
Spencer beat on his forehead with the palm of his hand, pounding out his frustration. “I can’t help it! You almost died! Don’t you understand? You don’t know what it was like—to see you laying there, not breathing. To think I’d lost you.”
He knelt down in front of her, and cupped her face in his hands. “I’ve dreamed about kissing you, imagined what it would be like. But the first time I put my lips on yours, I was trying to keep you alive. It wasn’t supposed to be like that.”
He watched her eyes, and she returned his intense gaze. Her tongue darted out to lick her lips, and he suppressed a groan. He hesitated, but when she didn’t pull away, he leaned in and touched his mouth to hers. Tentatively, holding back his passion, he explored the softness of her lips with his. His hands moved, caressing her cheeks, marveling at the silky feel of her skin beneath his fingers. His first kiss. No, his second. The first time, she hadn’t been breathing. This time, she kissed him back. He tried to control himself, but as he thought about how he’d almost lost her, his kiss became stronger, more desperate.
She pressed her mouth against his, her lips seeking his warmth, eager and terrified at the same time. She could feel his emotion, and she responded with equal fervor. Her hands were on his chest as she leaned forward trying to close the distance between them. The only thing she could hear was the sound of their ardent breathing and the pounding of her heart. She could feel his frantic heartbeat with her fingers. She’d been kissed before, but never like this. He kissed her like a thirsting man who’d crossed a dessert to find water. As if he was drawing his life-blood from her. She was opening herself up—she might be hurt again. Cuts and gashes and sprains were nothing compared to the pain that had been wrenched in her heart in the past. She was a fool to let herself fall for him, but she couldn’t stop.
His tongue stroked across her lips, and she parted them to allow him entry. Then her tongue danced with his as his kiss deepened. His hands fisted in her hair, and she was surprised to hear a small moan escape her throat. He responded with a groan she could feel vibrating in his chest. She sensed a tingle radiating down through her body. His right hand dropped down, his fingers trailing down her neck, leaving a fiery brand in their wake.
She was losing herself. She knew at that moment, had they been alone, she would give him everything—her mind, her body, her soul. A burst of panic seized her, and she broke away. She sat back, covering her mouth with her hands, staring at him with stark terror. He’d probably been with dozens of girls. Grace had told her Spencer loved her, but what did that even mean? What did this kiss mean to him? Certainly it wasn’t the total loss of self she’d just experienced. He obviously cared for her, and she owed him her life. But she’d sworn to protect herself from this type of assault. She needed to safeguard her heart. Otherwise it would be torn to shreds. And she could tell, simply from that kiss, Spencer c
ould do more damage than she’d ever experienced before.
“What’s wrong?” His distress was clearly written on his face. “Did I hurt you? Was it too hard?”
She couldn’t formulate the words to express what she felt. How could she explain her fears? How could she describe the precarious state of her heart? He was experienced, where she was naïve. Her own physical response to his kiss shocked her, and she knew she was losing the control she held so dear.
“No... I...” She blinked rapidly at the tears in her eyes. “I can’t... I can’t do this.”
“You can’t do what? You can’t kiss me? Was it bad?” He moved to sit beside her on the couch, clenching his fists in his lap.
“Bad? Ha! I think you know better than that. But I’m not ready for you. I’m too... You’re too... I can’t explain it.”
“I’m too what? Am I pushing you too fast?”
“Yes. No. You’re not pushing me. I... I know you can’t understand this, because it’s no big deal to you. I’m not... I’m not experienced. And I’m afraid.”
He looked frustrated. “I’m not... I won’t push you. I’d never do that. I mean, if I understand what we’re talking about. Are we talking about physical stuff?”
“Sort of. But I’m afraid of more than that—the emotional part too.”
“What if we said we’ll take it slow?”
“But slow to you is different than slow to me. I don’t know if I can handle another kiss like that.”
He squeezed his eyes shut and groaned out loud. “I don’t know if I can handle not kissing you again. Not now I know what it’s like.” He looked at her with pleading eyes, and she felt her resolve melting.
“You see—that’s exactly what I’m talking about. You can’t look at me like that. It’s... it’s not fair.”
“But it wasn’t bad? You liked it, too? The kiss, I mean. Because... I really liked it.”
Emily noticed he looked unsure, even vulnerable, as he anticipated her answer. She experienced a little thrill her opinion was so important to him he discounted his own expertise.
She allowed herself a slight smile. “Oh I liked it—a little too much. That’s the problem.”
Now he was grinning. “I don’t see it as a problem. We’ll find some way to keep it from being a problem. Just don’t think about it so much.”
And catching her off guard, he leaned in and brushed his lips lightly across hers, then pulled away with his eyes closed, as if savoring her taste. When he opened his eyes, his pupils dilated in the middle of the pools of deep brown, she thought she might fall into them. She knew she was playing with fire, and her fear of being burned was stronger than ever.
But a seed of a thought formulated in her head. Perhaps there was a way she could be certain she wouldn’t get hurt again.
Chapter Twelve
Charlie let her mouth fallopen. “What did you say?” She sat on the couch with her sister, the two having moved back downstairs into Emily’s apartment. She’d given Charlie an extremely unemotional account of her morning. It included a surprise visit from Josh who’d asked to date her. After that, she described the awkward talk with Spencer—the first one since the disastrous night with Asher Denning. She gave a very unsatisfactory account of Spencer kissing her for the first time, without any juicy details whatsoever. And then she very matter-of-factly stated she’d decided it wouldn’t happen again.
“I said, I don’t think we should kiss any more. I think it’s not a good idea.”
“Why? Was he a bad kisser? Or did you decide you don’t like him after all.”
“No,” she said, looking down as her cheeks flushed. “It was pretty good. Maybe too good. I think that’s how I get in trouble. I get way too emotionally involved when things get physical. So, I think we should keep it platonic until it’s safer.”
“What do you mean? What’s safer?”
“I just don’t know about Spencer. He’s just a little too good at kissing. I guess he’s had lots of practice, but I don’t want to think about it. I’m not sure I can handle too much of that and still stick to my rules. And then there’s the unwritten rule we always told each other... Guard your heart. So I think we should just keep it platonic until it’s safer.”
“So, let me get this straight. Y’all are going to be in an official dating relationship, but you’re not going to kiss.”
“Yes. That’s the plan.”
“And Spencer is okay with this?”
“Well, I haven’t exactly told him, but I hinted at it.”
“So y’all haven’t had the define-the-relationship talk?”
“Not yet. Maybe we can talk after dinner tonight. Spencer cooks at his family’s house on Sundays. Tonight he’s grilling hamburgers. I said we’d both go—I hope that sounds okay to you?”
“Sure… But back to this plan of yours. When will your kissing hiatus be over? When will you trust him or yourself enough to kiss him? When you’re engaged? Or not until after you’re married?”
Emily’s face turned scarlet. “Ohmygosh! I don’t know. We’re not talking about getting married. He only kissed me this morning. I thought this could kind of be a test. He’s been with all these girls, and I don’t know how physical those relationships have been. So if that’s all he’s looking for from me, he’ll get tired of me pretty quickly. This will give him a chance to prove he likes me just for me and not for what he can get from me.”
“Not for what he can get from you? You mean like, he might date you so he can kiss you?”
“You know what I mean. I’m talking about more than kissing. But that’s what kissing leads to.”
“Sister... tsk, tsk. What does he have to do to prove himself? Let’s see. So far, he’s forgiven you for lying to him, saved your life, and then practically killed himself yesterday trying to save you again.”
“I know he’s done a lot for me and I don’t doubt he cares about me. But we still need to be careful about the physical stuff.”
“No doubt you need to be careful, but are you sure you don’t want to kiss at all?”
“I’m not saying I don’t want to—I’m saying it’s not a good idea.”
“Okay, let’s talk about something else. You’ve been criticizing Spencer all along for being a player. What about you? Are you through dating other guys?”
“There aren’t any other guys.”
“What about Asher and Josh?”
“Hey! You’re supposed to be on my side, Sister! I’ve already admitted Asher was a big mistake. He turned out to be a jerk—he left me passed out at the bar. And Josh—I never did anything to encourage him. I’m actually worried Spencer might think I’m interested in Josh, because I’m not. To be honest, I barely even noticed him or Brad when we were hiking.”
Charlie chuckled. “That doesn’t surprise me. You can be so unaware of your surroundings sometimes. You didn’t notice he was hot? Or that he had the hots for you? I knew right away, as soon as we met on the trail.”
“No, he caught me by surprise this morning when he said he wanted to see me again. But next time, if there is a next time, I’ll be ready for him. He obviously likes to be in control, and I don’t have the energy to fight for control all the time. Plus, he’s a player if I’ve ever seen one—and really arrogant. I imagine he’s used to girls falling all over him, especially being a doctor.”
“Sister, I’m still not sold on this no-kissing idea.”
“It’s not my idea. There’s a whole book about it.”
“There is? I’ve never heard about it.”
“It’s called I Kissed Kissing Goodbye.”
Charlie laughed. “No, it’s called I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and I assume you haven’t even read it.”
“No, but I’ve thought it through, and my mind is made up.”
“Poor Spencer.”
“You feel sorry for him because he won’t get to kiss anyone for a while?”
“No, I feel sorry for him because he’s fallen for my sister!”
Spencer was in a good mood, a really good mood. Everyone always talked about love being painful. And it had been painful. But now... Now everything was good. He’d kissed her, and she’d kissed him back. And it was good, really good. Great, in fact. At least he thought it was great, and she seemed to like it. He’d practically floated home from the Gherrings, and he’d been humming all day. And they were officially dating. Weren’t they? He replayed the scene in his mind. Hadn’t they talked about dating? He hadn’t said the big L word, but he’d told her he was crazy about her. Hadn’t he?
Suddenly his good mood evaporated. They hadn’t talked about their relationship at all. He’d kissed her, but he hadn’t even told her he liked her. And she hadn’t said anything at all about her feelings, except that she was afraid. Now he thought about it, he didn’t feel so great. They needed to talk—really talk.
“Hey, Spencer,” said Grace. “The burgers smell good. I’ve brought you a couple extra to put on the grill. I forgot to tell you I invited some friends yesterday.”
“No problem, Gracie,” he said, placing the burgers on the grill. “Can you take the first batch into the kitchen?”
“Sure.” She took the pan of burgers and started toward the door. Then she stopped, and came back to him, standing on her tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek.
“What’s that for?”
“It’s for later on when you’re mad at me,” she said, slipping inside.
Now his mood dipped lower. Grace was up to her tricks again. He repeated the question he asked himself so often. Why did God give him sisters? The door opened again, and he turned, prepared to interrogate his sister, but it was Charlie who slipped outside.
“Hey, Spencer.” She waggled her eyebrows, sporting a devilish grin. “I hear you and my sister had an interesting morning.”
He felt his face heating up. “What did she say?”
