He would like having her home. So he could spend more time with her. “Ah no.”
“Would you like me to talk to the lady? Does she have any questions regarding your mother’s status?”
“We haven’t made any long term plans but she's aware of my mother’s issues.” It was finally sinking in how his life was out of balance. He wasn’t a planner but now thoughts of the future consumed him.
“I see. Have you talked to your mother or your brother about what you would like to do?”
Brody was MIA and his mother, well not really. “No I haven’t. Has my brother been to see her?”
The doctor sighed. “He came one day, stayed for an hour. He made your mother very agitated.”
That was Brody. It was painful and he didn’t want to face it. Not that Declan blamed him, but shit couldn’t he come here and fake it? There were times he did. He loved seeing his mom and spending time with her, but there were times it ripped his guts out. “It’s hard on him.” There he went again making excuses again.
“It’s just as hard on you. If most of my patient’s family members were as conscientious as you it would make my job easier. Most people warehouse them here and go on about their lives.”
At least he was doing right by someone. “Thank you.”
“Mental illness makes people uncomfortable, but it is a fact of life. You face it head on. I’m not trying to butter you up, but trust me a support system is vital in helping my patients. I want what is best for them regardless if they are here or at another facility. Saying that, give me a couple of weeks to do some research and by then you will have made a decision about what we’re going to do.”
Declan stood and extended his hand. “Thanks Doc.”
Outside of the doctor’s office he took a minute to prepare himself. Jane was waiting for him.
“You okay?”
“Yeah.” He didn’t want to talk about what he was feeling. Most of the time when he came to see his mother he couldn’t decide between being angry or crying like a baby. It still tore a raw hole in his heart. But he put on a happy face for her.
“If you say so.”
She said that like she knew how he was feeling. She couldn’t know could she? That would make Jane way too smart for his own good. “I’ll be fine.” He didn’t need her probing into his life today. This shit was real life. Sometimes real life made him feel weak. Weak was something he didn’t need to show to the world.
When he got to his mother’s suite she was sitting on the bed playing with a geisha doll he’d sent her from Japan a few years ago when the band had been on their last world tour. “Hey Clare.”
“Declan!” She put the doll on the pink ruffled bedspread and ran over to him and threw her arms around his waist. “I missed you so much.”
He hugged her back, enjoying the comfort of her softness and scent of bubblegum. “Me too.”
She still clung to him. “Are you home for good?”
She always smelled like home. He couldn’t believe how much he missed that. “We are still working on the new album.”
“You should do it here like always.”
“I wish I could.” He truly meant that.
“You had to leave because Andy died. I miss him. I still have the bracelet he gave me, but I don’t wear it because I don’t want to lose it.”
He smiled. Between Malcolm and Andy he rarely had to make this trip alone. Damn he missed his friend. “You can wear it.”
She poked her head behind him at Jane. “Hello.”
Declan turned to see Jane smile and stick out her hand.
“Hi, I’m Jane.”
Clare smiled and stuck out her hand. “I’m Clare. You’re pretty.”
“Thank you. You are too.”
Declan searched Jane’s face to see if she was going to have an adverse reaction to his mother, but her face was friendly without a sign of pity. She’d passed a test. She was okay with his mom.
“Are you Declan’s girlfriend?”
She shook her head. “I work for Declan.”
“You should be his girlfriend.”
“Clare!”
Jane smirked.
“You need a nice girlfriend.”
Unsure where to go from here, he took the large paper bag from Jane and handed it to her. “I brought you presents.”
Her face lit up. “Did you bring more of the stained glass coloring books?”
“I did. I even brought you a stuffed alligator.”
“Awesome.” She grabbed the bag and hurried to her bed and took everything out.
“I’m sorry about that,” Declan whispered.
“It’s cool.” Jane waved her hand. “She’s sweet.”
He tried to explain. “She’s…”
“She’s fine. She’s happy. She loves you. I’ve seen worse.”
“How?”
“I do volunteer counseling with returning vets. From what I’ve read in her file, she’s stable--”
“How much do you know?”
“Full disclosure, remember. We have no idea where the threat is coming from. Your mom has a severe case of PTSD, brought on by prolonged mental and physical abuse. She’s not a threat to herself or anyone else.”
“I don’t--”
Clare interrupted him. “Declan before we go to the zoo, will you do my hair.”
God that always made him feel helpless. “You know I’m not very good at it.”
Clare huffed. “Jane, can you do pigtails with braids?”
Jane held up three fingers. “I have three sisters. I can.” She walked over to the dressing table and picked up the hairbrush and comb. “Have you ever had a French braid?”
Clare shook her head. “No.”
“When you’re ready, I’m going to teach Declan how to do one, then he’s going to teach you.”
And she did. Jane was patient with his mother, he couldn’t believe that she didn’t think that she could be a great mom. This put a new slant on the picture. A part of him was thinking they could do this. Be parents and raise a child together. The thought scared him, but a part of him was curious about what they’d be like together. A part of him was wanting to see where this led. He knew it was insane, but maybe he could do this parenting thing with her.
* * *
DAY forty six of her captivity and Jane listened to her stomach rumble. Declan had been locked in the bathroom for nearly an hour. They had a reservation for dinner at eight and in about fifteen minutes they were going to be late and in twenty minutes she’d be dead from starvation. She always was an eater, but since getting knocked up her food consumption went through the roof.
They’d decided to stay at a hotel instead of his house, because of the threat. They were in town under the radar and keeping him safe would be easier in a hotel that had an on-site security team. The suite had a snack bar to die for. So what if it was seven dollars for a Snicker’s bar, she was going to eat it. She didn’t have to pay for it. Okay she wasn’t going for the candy bar, when there was an organic power bar sitting right next to it. This baby was cutting into her junk food consumption.
She was going to give him until she finished eating, then she was breaching the bathroom. It’s not as if she hadn’t seen him in his birthday suit before.
She threw away the wrapper then knocked on the door. “Declan?”
There was no answer.
She knocked louder. He didn’t answer. In her logical mind she knew that no one had entered the room and that the bathroom didn’t have a window, but still her heart was racing with panic. Which pissed her off, because she didn’t panic. She was known for her icy composure under fire. She pounded on the door. “Declan, open up.”
She tried the door knob and found it unlocked. She went in the through the dressing room into the spacious black and white marble bathroom. Declan was sitting on the edge of the tub a peacock blue towel wrapped around his waist. His head was in his hands. “Declan?”
“Leave me alone.”
“No.”
“Jesus can’t I have a minute?”
“You’ve had sixty of them. I’m starving.”
He raised his head. “I’m sorry.”
“If you need some down time, I’m cool. They have a great snack bar in the room.” He stood up and she could see that his eyes were red. From crying? Declan Shaw? Holy shit.
He turned his head a away. “Give me five to dress.”
“We can--”
“You need to eat.” He ran his hands through his hair.
“There is room service.”
“I promised to take you to Craig’s.”
She didn’t care about that. Although it would be a great place to be seen and they could arrange for it to make the papers in New Orleans. Shit she’d have to wear her wig. “We aren’t going to make our reservation.”
“I just needed some …” He brushed passed her into the dressing room.
“I’m good with room service. Chill will have a chance to romance Chanel. With any luck we’ll have to stop in Vegas so they can get hitched.”
He chuckled. “So that wasn’t just me?”
“Nope. He been so busy, he hasn’t had any time to stick his face in my business.”
“He’s been acting funny around you.”
“He’s discovered I’m a girl. It has changed our dynamic.” They were her friends, they’d be cool with it eventually.
Declan continued to rummage through the closet pretending to do something. “This is my…”
“Wanna talk about it?”
He threw a shirt on the chair. “What?”
“You’re mom, what going on? It has to be tough on you.”
His hands dropped to his sides. “I’m fine.”
“Sure you are.”
“I can’t.” He covered his eyes with his hands.
Jane took the three steps to stand behind him. She slipped her arms around his waist and she leaned her cheek between his shoulder blades. His skin was warm and she could feel the ridges of his scars under her cheek. He shuddered in her embrace. She needed to comfort him. Who was she kidding she wanted to take the pain away from. “Talk to me.”
His body shook. “It won’t make her any better.”
He smelled so good like the woods in the mornings. She loved his smell. “You’re right, but talking will help you.”
“All I want is for her to be better, but that’s never going to happen.”
“Nothing wrong with acceptance.”
“You know what the doctor said when I told him about the baby?”
She lifted her head from his back. “Why did you tell your mother’s doctor about the baby?”
“I’m thinking of moving her out to New Orleans.”
She wasn’t sure how to feel about this, but she did like that he was planning as much as it made her nervous as hell. “Okay.”
“He said it would be good for her.”
“You do know we can’t have a baby just because it would be good for your mother.”
“I know.” He put his hands on hers. “You know the only thing that really stopped me from killing my father was that I didn’t want to leave her alone.”
She knew that feeling. “You’d have been the prom queen there.”
He shook from laughter. “You always say the right thing.” Then he turned in her embrace.
She could feel his hard cock against her belly. The last thing he needed was sex. She always suspected he used it as a distraction. “No.”
His hands slid down her body and he gripped her ass cheeks. “Yes.”
She pushed him away. “We’re not going there tonight.”
He dropped his towel. “Really?”
The sight of his beautiful erect cock made her mouth water and a few other places were getting wet, but she was not going to let him get sidetracked. He wanted to fuck so he didn’t have to deal. She’d let him get away with that most of the time, but not tonight. “I said no.”
He stuck his hand under her dress and cupped her soaking pussy. “You want it.”
“I do, but you don’t need it.”
“I just want to feel you.” He kissed her forehead.
She grabbed his wrist and pulled his hand away. If it came down to it she’d subdue him but she wanted him to make the choice himself. “That’s exactly why you're not going to get it.”
“I want you.”
The confused expression on his face was almost laughable. “You have never treated me like a fuck buddy, you are not going to start now.”
Declan had the decency to cringe and he pulled his hand away. “I don’t want to feel right now.”
“Which is exactly why I’m not going to fuck you.” She took his hand and led him through the dressing room into the hotel’s bedroom. She got him to the bed and pushed on his shoulder until he sat. “You want to talk, you want to cry, or if you want me to hold you that’s what we’re going to do.”
He pointed to his crotch. “I’m hard.”
“I know.” Dear God did she ever.
“I don’t want to talk.”
“You wanna cry?”
“Did that, besides I don’t like the fact that I’m not embarrassed to do it in front of you.”
“Don’t be. If it makes you feel better Repo bawled for three days after his bitch of an ex-wife sent him divorce papers while he was laid up in the hospital after he was nearly killed by an IED. Except for a couple of showers and some bathroom breaks the box of tissue and I didn’t leave his side until he was done. When he got out of the hospital I took him to the finest whorehouse in Amsterdam and picked up the tab.”
“Damn Jane, you’re a good friend.”
“I know, right.”
“So if I cry my guts out, you’ll take me to the whorehouse?”
She put her hand on her hip. “Do you need the whorehouse?”
He shook his head. “You’re all I want.”
“Good answer.” She got on the bed and lay down. Declan got up and walked into the dressing room. A minute later he came out dressed in a pair of jeans. He got on the bed and lay behind her. His hand slid over her stomach and he put his head on her shoulder.
Her stomach rumbled ruining the mood.
“You need to eat.”
“I’m good.”
Declan sat up and reached over to pick up the phone. “What do you want?”
She didn’t want to ruin the mood, but she was starving. “I have never eaten a thirty dollar cheeseburger. Red meat is what I’m craving all the time lately.”
He ordered her an Angus burger with extra cheese and remembered that she liked her beef rare and ranch dressing for her fries. He was making too easy to fall into like with him.
Danger Jane Peterson danger.
Chapter Twenty-Four
DECLAN PRESSED the button on his iPad sending his final instructions to the hotel. The door to the cabin opened and Chanel walked over to him. Petite and blonde she used to be his type, but he was definitely in a brunette state of mind.
“Mr. Shaw the pilot said we’ll be landing in a half an hour.”
“Thank you.”
She smiled and went back to the cabin, and as she passed Glen she gave him a gentle poke in the shoulder. The bodyguard smiled and went back to his crossword puzzle.
Jane had nailed that coupling.
God the more he got to know her the more he liked her. The more he was able to let down his guard with her.
Last night she held him and he was comfortable not talking, or fucking and he’d never done that with a woman.
He got up and went to the bedroom on the plane. He let himself in and found Jane sleeping on the bed. He took a few moments and just watched. He enjoyed just looking at her. There were just moments when he was stunned by her beauty. The honey golden skin, the sable brown hair, green cat eyes, soft pink lips. The incomparable body. To think she was his best friend’s sister. The eyes. He should have noticed the eyes. Malcolm had the same ones. He wondered how Malcolm was doi
ng? He sent a couple of texts, and Malcolm had shot him off a brief answer. He knew Malcolm needed to brood about this for a while. He wondered how Fox was doing? How were they feeling about the baby? Hell how was she feeling about the baby? She didn’t seem any closer to making a decision and he was… He wasn’t sure what he was. He wanted to go all alpha male on her, but she’d kick his ass. He hated being in this limbo.
“You are staring at me.”
“I like staring at you.”
She sat up. “You are a strange guy.”
“I’m inclined to agree.”
She raised her arms above her head and stretched. Her breasts pushed forward straining against the black t-shirt. “Are we home?”
For a split second he had a vision of a dark haired baby suckling her breast. He trembled. “We’re making a detour to Kansas City.”
She swung her legs over the bed. “Why?”
“I’m taking you out on a date.”
“You are fucking me. You don’t need to date me.”
“I want to take you out on a date. I owe you a fancy dinner with a classy dress, because we got waylaid by my emotional baggage.”
She ruffled her long dark hair. “I was cool with that.”
He wanted to impress her with what he could provide for her, but she seemed uninterested with things like that. “I know.”
“I had no idea Kansas City was a dating Mecca.”
“I don’t know about that, but I know this place with the best rib-eyes.”
“I didn’t bring a fancy date dress. I do have some skank wear.” She smirked.
“There will be a dress waiting for you.”
“You bought me a dress? How could you do that?”
He sat down on the bed next to her. “I know a lot about women’s clothes.”
“How to take them off.”
“It’s a handy skill. Trust me.” He smiled. Even though he could see she didn’t believe him.
“I need to call Mick.”
“Already done.”
“You’re just handling everything today.”
“I’m good like that.” He massaged her beautiful ass. “Plane’s landing in about twenty minutes. There will be a car to take you to the hotel and you have some alone time to get your glam on. I booked you a massage and spa treatment and a stylist will be there to help you get ready.”
I Hate Myself For Loving You Page 21
