by Lisa Heaton
“I couldn’t imagine anything more perfect.” Tears spilled over her lashes.
“Why are you crying?” As Emma dabbed a delicate handkerchief to the corner of each eye, Robin was reminded what a beautiful woman she was. Everything she did was glamorous. Even her little hankies were feminine and dressy. If only she could be more like her, sophisticated and Southern Belle’ish. Instead, she was anything but that. She had always been more of a jeans and hoodie kind of girl. Can you be a tomboy in a girly sort of way? If so, that was the best description of herself that she could come up with.
“I don’t know, sweetie. I guess I’m just glad to see you live a little. Hummingbird, you have to let it go.”
She looked down at her bare feet sticking out from underneath the yellow fabric. “I don’t know if I can ever let it go. I’m afraid it’s part of who I am now.”
Taking her face in her hands, Emma disagreed. “No. It is not part of who you are. You are still who you always were, before it happened. The real you is just hiding somewhere in there. Let her come out tonight.”
“Should she go with no shoes?” Robin wiggled her toes as Emma looked down.
“No. You’re cute and all, but I don’t think you can carry off that look the way Chris can.” Emma knew better than to push her any further. Really, the few sentences she had just uttered were the most she had ever spoken of her time with Mike. It was a subject that was totally off limits.
Leaning into her closet, Emma pulled out a pair of matching shoes.
Shaking her head, Robin grimaced. “They may be a little much. Do you have anything a little plainer?”
“What about these? They will go nicely with a barefoot man.”
Laughing at her, Robin did stop to wonder if Chris would wear shoes. Not once had she seen him wear them. Deciding she would simply have to wait to find out, she slipped the white sandals on. “Okay, so now I have an outfit, what about my hair?”
As Robin left to take the dress to her cabin, Emma felt herself glowing as if a lamp had been switched on deep in her soul. In many years, she had not seen Robin so excited. Well, maybe excited was a bit of an overstatement. But she was smiling a genuine smile at least, not one of those superficial “I am pretending to be part of life” smiles, rather a surprising “there is hope after all” smile. The light in the lamp grew brighter at the possibility of a new chapter in life for Robin. Chris may not be the answer, but he was at least the beginning of Robin daring to question again.
For five years Emma had tried to reach out to her, to somehow help her heal after the end of her marriage. Approaching her as a friend, her only option given the circumstances, the pretense of it all caused Emma to feel such shame she could hardly bring herself to look Robin in the eye oftentimes. Her truest desire was to comfort her as a mother, but she gave up that right when she placed her newborn baby in her best friend’s arms. She would never have the luxury of such a connection with her.
While the circumstances of her arrival were horrid, Robin’s decision to come to the inn and ultimately to stay on full-time were the greatest happenings in Emma’s life in the past thirty years. It was her secret “do-over,” a means of really getting to know the daughter she gave away. Even though it remained a secret, in her heart she was Robin’s mama. She found the greatest love she had ever known in her life–even beyond that of Robin’s father–the one love she thought she could never live without.
4
Working on the list of reservations for the following week, Robin was standing at the counter in the lobby. All of the rooms and cabins were full, and there were no more guests expected, so when a woman walked in, Robin wondered if maybe she was lost. “Hi, may I help you?” The woman was in her late twenties, petite with short brown hair and dark, almond shaped eyes. Way overdressed for vacation, she wore heels and carried a purse the size of a small automobile. Her attire alone caused Robin to further conclude she was lost and looking for directions.
“Yes, I’m looking for Chris Wheeler. He is staying in a cabin here.”
For the briefest moment, Robin was unable to speak. Finally, she stammered, “Yes, he’s a guest here.”
Raising her eyebrows, Vanessa said, “I know he’s a guest here, sweetie. Can you tell me where I might find him?” Then smiling insincerely, added, “I was supposed to be staying here with him but was unable to come at the last minute. I wanted to surprise him.”
Robin smiled back. “Oh, I’m sure he’ll be surprised all right.” Walking from behind the counter, she offered, “Come on, I’ll take you to his cabin. I can’t wait to see the look on his face.”
“What do you mean?”
Shaking her head, she never turned back to the woman. “Oh, I just love being part of a surprise.” Sure, she could have directed the woman to drive to his cabin, but where was the fun in that?
Moving along slowly, several paces in front of her, Robin’s stride allowed for the woman’s high heels in the grass. Though she felt a bit slighted, she was more amused than anything. Since Chris asked her out, not knowing his girlfriend would show up, it would be humorous to watch him squirm, worth whatever offense she might have suffered. As they approached his cabin, she found he was sitting on the front porch. Already his expression was hilarious. She smiled at him, her tone exaggerated, and with her best Price Is Right arm gesture, said, “And here he is.”
Seeing Vanessa walking behind Robin, he jumped from his rocking chair and headed toward the stairs. Beating them to the bottom step, he asked, “Vanessa, what are you doing here?”
Happily, she threw her arms around him. “I wanted to surprise you. Are you surprised?”
He looked at Robin helplessly, his eyes apologizing.
With Vanessa’s back to her, Robin mouthed to him, “Surprise!” Turning she walked off, shaking her head.
Inside the cabin Chris and Vanessa sat at the small table. “I am so sorry about what happened. I guess I just freaked.”
He sat, looking at her blankly. Of all the times for her to have a change of heart, it had to be the same day he had asked Robin out. Although she was talking, trying to explain, he had a difficult time concentrating on what she was saying. He kept picturing Robin saying, “Surprise!”
“What I said, about not being with you through…”
Holding up his hand to stop her, he protested, “You were right.”
“No, I wasn’t.” She was looking down at her hands. It had been the worst two weeks of her life. Never had she felt more rotten.
He reached for her hand. “I have to be honest with you. I don’t think we should be together either. I know you feel lousy about the timing, but I think we both knew it wasn’t working out between us, even before...” He trailed off. She knew his meaning. “Neither one of us would admit it though.” Moving from his chair, he knelt before her. “Sweetheart, you cannot allow guilt to keep you with me anymore than I can be with you just because I’m in a bad place in my life.” He touched her cheek. “I really care for you, but I’m not in love with you.”
Momentarily incensed, she then realized – this was perfect. The end could come, but it would be on his shoulders. There was a great sense of relief to be let off the hook that way. And what he said was true. While there was no longer the attraction there had been in the beginning, she felt obligated to stay with him, especially once his symptoms began and the diagnosis came. When he left Boston, she wanted it to be over, but as much as she tried to forget him and move on, she was consumed by guilt. The thought of him at the lake, hopeless and alone, had been a terrible burden on her. “You know I care for you, don’t you?”
“Yes, I know. Look, Vanessa, we have had some great times together, and nothing will ever change that.” He stood and walked toward the window. Looking out at the lake, he admitted, “I would rather us end this way, on a happy note.” Turning, he smiled at her. “We have had some fun?”
His smile made her want to rush to him, to throw her arms around him and try to make things better. She
had never known anyone like him. Maybe that had been part of the problem, that he was such a good guy, he bordered on boring. There was no thrill or challenge. She needed more excitement than he offered.
“We certainly have.” Regretfully, she stood and crossed the small distance between them. Putting her arms around him, she kissed him softly on the cheek. “Call me when you get home.”
“I will. Drive safely.” He watched as she picked up her purse and walked out the door. Now he just had to talk to Robin. The entire time he was with Vanessa, he could hardly get her off his mind, wondering what she must be thinking of him. Having agreed to go out with him so reluctantly, he supposed he lost out on the opportunity. Grabbing a towel, he decided to shower and dress for dinner, just in case she gave him another chance.
Sitting on the edge of her bed, foot propped up on the corner, Robin was painting her toenails. She had taken a shower and was now letting her hair air dry. The yellow dress hanging on the closet door seemed to be mocking her. But really, she was okay. Smiling to herself, she was just glad to know she had the courage to accept a date. Just because it fell through this time was beside the point. What was most incredible was that in the process, she discovered there was still a tiny flicker of life left inside her; something she would have sworn did not exist any longer. That was promising. Next time she might really go. Such a possibility caused her stomach to churn a bit. In actuality, she knew she was far from ready to date and relieved things turned out the way they had. But still, the flicker was exposed.
She thought about Chris, and for just a split second, felt a twinge of jealousy. The woman was so beautiful it was easy to see why he was with her. And in his defense, he had said “nothing serious.” So he had a girlfriend, it was not the end of the world. As funny as it was, she was determined, when she saw him next, she would not make a big deal about the whole thing.
Walking on her heels, she went into the living room. Just as she passed by the door, someone knocked. Glancing at the clock in the kitchen, it read exactly seven o’clock. “Surely not!” Looking down, studying her appearance, she hesitated before answering the door dressed in her robe. Pulling the two sides together tightly, she cracked the door and peeked out. “Chris?”
He was standing there, hands thrust deep into his pockets, dressed in the only respectable clothes he had brought with him. Half expecting her to slam the door in his face, he smiled pleadingly, saying, “Hi.”
Opening the door a little wider, she asked, “What are you doing here?”
“I’m sorry. I thought we agreed on seven?”
“Well, I just assumed your girlfriend would have a problem with you going out to a ‘nothing serious or anything’ dinner with another woman.”
His face took on a soft expression. “She’s not my girlfriend. She’s gone.” Taking a step closer, he urged, “Please go to dinner with me. I’ll explain it all then.”
Standing there looking at him, she thought he looked so handsome in his khaki pants and blue shirt. The color of his shirt was nearly the exact shade of his eyes. It was the first time she noticed what an unusual shade they were, deep blue with pale gold streaks running through them. Hesitantly, she blinked, holding her eyes shut longer than necessary. Part of her really wanted to go, but the last thing she wanted was to get in the middle of some on again, off again relationship. “Maybe we shouldn’t…”
“Please, Robin, just dinner.” Leaning his head against the door jamb, he added, “I’m all dressed up and nowhere to go.”
“Can we agree this is not a date?”
A bit surprised by her question, he agreed, “Sure. Just two pals having dinner.”
“Pals?” The way he said it made her grin.
“Buddies, friends, compadres, whatever you want to call us. How about two hungry people eating dinner together at the same place and the same time? Are you hungry?”
“Yes.” She swung the door open wider. “As you see, I’m not exactly dressed.”
He smiled, saying, “I have all the time in the world.” When she turned to go into the bedroom, his smile faded. That was not at all what he meant to say.
Seated at a table on the deck of one of the marina restaurants, Chris and Robin had decided on seafood, and this place was one of her favorites. Having supposed she would feel uncomfortable, she found herself instead relaxed and at ease with him. From the moment she got into his car, he kept the conversation light and fun. Already, it was shaping up to be an enjoyable evening.
“So, Robin, what did you do before coming to Lake Winnipesaukee?”
Looking down into her water glass, she said, “Oh, not much really.”
“Independently wealthy?” Noticing she seemed suddenly tense, he wished he had not asked about her past. It was something he sensed already, but he let curiosity get the better of him. It had taken some time for her to let her guard down enough to talk to him even. Noting his mistake, he was determined not to make a similar one.
Looking at him, she smiled faintly. “No, nothing like that. Actually, I was married.”
Surprised, and detecting an unfamiliar expression in her normally inexpressive eyes, he regretted his question even more. “I hope I didn’t bring up a painful subject.” Clapping his hands, he added, “I tell you what, let’s change the subject entirely.”
“That sounds good. Now, you tell me about being a teacher. Do you like it?”
His smile broadened. “Oh, I love it. It means so much to me, to really be able to make a difference in these kids’ lives. Being a Christian teacher in a public school has its challenges, but I do what I can to show God’s love to them.” Gazing out at the still water for a moment, he thought of Gloria Nelson, something he did often actually. Turning back to look at her, he shared, “You know, I was really on a bad road, until one teacher in high school saw something in me that I never saw in myself. Her belief in me changed my life completely. She invited me to church – of course, you could do that back then.”
“Tell me about her.”
He liked the way her eyes sparkled in the candlelight, and he could tell that she was really interested in what he was saying. There was a slight connection between her eyes and smile, a rare moment from what he had seen so far. Leaning in slightly, he told her, “Her name was Gloria Nelson, and she was my music teacher my freshman year of high school. I had just moved in with my aunt and changed schools. It was a really difficult time for me.”
Reminded of when they talked on the stairs about the summer his dad died, she noticed his eyes became cloudy, overcast even, as they did that day. Wondering for a moment if eyes could be overcast like weather, she determined they could. His were. She had always heard the eyes were the windows to the soul, and for the first time, she could visualize it. His eyes were more than just beautiful blue eyes, they revealed secrets about him, and she wondered if he knew that about himself. Out of consideration, she asked, “Should we change the subject again?”
“No, I’m fine. It’s just that when I think of that time, it is still a little painful for me. I suppose it always will be. My mom began drinking after my father died.” Shrugging, he admitted, “I don’t know, maybe she drank before, and I was just kept away from it. Whatever the case, it was a horrible thing that only got worse. I eventually moved out.”
He looked out at the water again. The image of his mother lying on the kitchen floor, passed out cold in her own vomit, was still a clear picture in his mind. For the first few years, when such things would happen, he would clean her up and get her to bed. After a while though, he would just step over her to get to the refrigerator. Never knowing what to expect from her, he did not invite friends over. The last time he did, he was so embarrassed by her stumbling behavior and drunken babbling, he swore he would never do it again. Life with her was lonely and a constant state of upheaval. Because of what he experienced, he had never touched a drop of alcohol in his life. Even the smell of it turned his stomach.
“Alcohol is a destructive thing.” Soft
ly, she added, “My husband began to drink. That changed everything.” Like a flash of lightning from out of the blue, her mind was struck with memories of his rage and loss of control. Though normally able to push such memories away, they were so fresh and real, she felt overtaken by them.
For a moment, they were both silent. It was as if they found common ground that only people who had experienced it could understand. Trying to drag herself from such an onslaught from the past, she tried instead to focus on the moment rather than what once was. As was her usual way of dealing with the past, she shoved it away, pretending it was indeed over and done.
“Thanks for coming tonight. It’s getting pretty lonely, sitting in that cabin every night.”
“Well, you did have company today.” Her tone was playful, but curious. Although she wondered about the woman, she had resisted the urge to bring it up so far. This was a perfect opportunity, one she decided not to let slip by.
He smiled; embarrassed by how awkward the moment was when she led Vanessa to his cabin. In her eyes, there was a mixture of glee and what he later determined to be hurt feelings. Surprisingly, he had been more concerned with what Robin felt than the fact that Vanessa had driven two hours to see him. The look on Robin’s face when she said, “Surprise!” was a moment he would not soon forget. Unable to blame her for feeling hurt, all he could think of was sending Vanessa on her way.
“That was Vanessa. We dated for about six months and just recently broke up. It went on for about three months too long, but somehow, neither of us wanted to be the one to initiate the split. I guess she was feeling a little guilty and wanted to set things right.”
“Guilty? You mean she broke it off?”
“Yes, in a way. She was supposed to come out for the first week or so, but at the last minute she decided not to come. It was just a symptom of a bigger problem, and I knew it.”
“What happened today?” Although she knew it was none of her business, somehow, based on how the conversation had gone so far, she felt comfortable asking.
