by Lisa Heaton
Though nothing had actually happened yet, she still felt some small sense of relief, as if help might really be on the way. Feeling some reservation about what she was about to say, she said it anyway. “While we are here and things are still quiet, I want to tell you something.”
He turned to look at her, finding that he was caught off guard by how pretty her eyes looked. They had a tender sweetness about them she usually kept hidden.
“I was going to tell you the other night but then I acted so weird.” Flushing in her embarrassment, she looked back out at the water.
“What?”
“I am not in a place to date anyone right now. I think you are a great guy, but I’m just not ready.”
“I get that.” He drank the last of his coffee. “Honestly, I’m not either.”
“Vanessa?”
“No, other things. How about I save that for some other time?”
“Agreed.”
He stood to leave, bearing a deep sense of regret over their timing. If things were different, he would pursue her to the ends of the earth. Problem was, by the time she was saved from such a vulnerable place, he would not be around to witness it.
It was a few minutes before twelve, and Robin was nearing Chris’ cabin. Having felt nervous earlier, after talking it over with Emma, she was more reassured. Emma had been thrilled to hear she would be talking to a counselor, amazed even that one was willing to drive in from Boston. Though Emma did not grasp the Christian aspect of the healing she needed, still she encouraged her to talk openly. The things of God were not something Emma was ever open to. As long as Robin had been there, she had been going to church alone. Emma had no interest and had even asked her to stop inviting her. Looking back, how much good had it done her? No wonder Emma didn’t see a benefit, she had found none either.
When she arrived at the cabin she was disappointed to see there was no other car there, only Chris’. Certain she had not seen anyone come in through the entrance of the inn, she feared the man was not coming. It had taken everything in her to agree to this, and now she was ready to get started.
Tapping on the door, she heard Chris invite her in.
“Hey.” She opened the door slowly, peeking in.
“I’m here, come on in.” He was sitting in one of the club chairs by the fireplace. Of course there was no fire burning at such a time of year, but he thought it set quite a mood. Another chair was across from him.
“He’s not coming?” She tried to hide her disappointment.
“He’s here, Robin. Have a seat.”
“It’s you.” It was a statement, rather than a question. For some reason, the possibility never even crossed her mind. But now as she thought about it, it made sense.
“Does it bother you?”
“No.” Pondering a moment, she added, “I don’t think.”
“Why would it bother you?” She was wearing khaki shorts and a pink button-down shirt with a white t-shirt underneath. The previous summer, he had traveled with his church youth group to camp, and for some reason, with her in that outfit, he was reminded of that. Maybe it was that she seemed so young and vulnerable at that moment. While she still looked like herself, strong and determined, he had a new understanding of her. Inwardly, she was much more delicate than she appeared on the surface. Wasn’t that the case with most people, though?
“I suppose it doesn’t matter.” Momentarily uncomfortable, she tried to determine why. Just two nights before they were out on a non-date, maybe that was it. For the briefest moment she thought about the possibility of beginning something. She did not know what to call it other than what Emma called it, a summer romance. Perhaps that was what bothered her at first. Whatever the case, he was willing and free, so she had nothing to lose by talking to him at least once.
“I have experience if that is what makes you hesitate.”
“No hesitation. Just tell me how to begin.” After their previous conversations, she suspected there was a vast depth to the man sitting with her, and she had barely scratched the surface. Apparently, there was godly wisdom and discernment beneath the surface of that handsome face of his. After so many years living the way she did, she had come to realize she would not heal on her own. She needed help, and he was offering.
“Tell me your story? Help me know you more.”
“You mean, like childhood, that far?”
“Sure. As far back as you want to go. Give me the highlights.”
A slight smile tugged at her lips. “Well,” this was an odd feeling for her, “I had a happy childhood, wonderful parents. They loved each other and loved me.”
“Brothers or sisters?”
“No, just me.”
“Milestones?”
Trying to come up with a milestone, she could think of nothing before her early teens. Childhood had been fairly uneventful. “Well, I kind of felt invisible for most of my early life, not at home of course, but at school. I had several good friends, but I wasn’t wildly popular. Then one summer, I kind of blossomed. I grew a little taller and wore my hair a little differently. When I went back to school, things were different.”
“You became more popular?”
“No, I didn’t mean it that way. I guess I stopped feeling so invisible.”
“Boyfriends?”
“One.”
“What was his name?”
Moving her thumb to her mouth, she began to chew on her nail. One, that word echoed around in her heart. There had always been only one. After a moment of hesitation, she offered, “His name was Mike.” It suddenly struck her that she had not spoken his name aloud in many years. While it felt strange saying it to Chris, the sound of it was just as familiar as her own.
“How old were you?”
“Thirteen, we both were. It was junior high, seventh grade.”
“Tell me what it was like to become visible.”
Sitting on an overturned log, Robin held a stick with a dangling marshmallow on it. Trying to get it just right, she allowed it to catch on fire, then quickly pulled it to her and tried to blow it out. When she looked up, he was looking at her. His name was Mike. This was the same Mike she had been secretly watching since the beginning of the school year, when two separate elementary schools merged into the larger junior high building. This was a big deal to all the girls, as it afforded a brand new crop of boys to whisper about.
She noticed him the very first day of school, and as impossible as it seemed to her, he noticed her too. Often, she caught him looking at her during Social Studies. That was their only class together and suddenly her favorite of the day. His seat was over near the windows and behind hers, so that rarely allowed a chance for her to peek at him. She soon discovered that every time she dared a peek, he was looking her way. Then again, Shelly Masters sat in front of her. Who could help staring at her with her new figure? No girl but Shelly seemed to mature as much over the summer. Not only the new boys from West Elementary, but the boys from her school noticed her as well. Still though, something told her it was not Shelly he was interested in.
He was tall, but not freakishly so. That came a few years later. Still, he was tall enough that she could see him over the other heads in the hallway between classes. His hair was brown, just a bit lighter than hers, and his eyes were dark blue, or so they seemed from across three rows. Captain of the football team, every girl in school talked about him. As far as she knew, he had no girlfriend.
So there she sat, marshmallow ablaze, and Mike was smiling at her. Incredibly, he began to walk her way. Before making it to her side of the campfire, someone announced they were going to play Seven Minutes in Heaven. He halted his movements at that point. Disappointed, she had no idea what the game was, but since it kept her from talking to him, she already disliked it.
Watching as couples were paired up and sent behind a small group of trees for seven minutes, she suspected they might be kissing, but had no way to be sure. This was, after all, her first boy/girl party. Her parents had only a
llowed her to go with the assurance everyone would be outdoors with adults present. After the third couple, Shelly walked up to Mike and whispered something in his ear. Then she giggled. Robin’s heart sank. It should not have surprised her. He was the most handsome boy in school, and with Shelly’s summer “makeover,” of course he would want to go with her. She noticed him shake his head though. Then he continued what she thought was his earlier trek over to where she sat.
When he reached where she was sitting, someone teased, “Mike and Robin,” meaning they should be the next to pair up and go behind the tree line. Suddenly, many voices chimed in. Repeatedly, they chanted their names. Where were the adults? Robin wondered. Where was the way out? She was unsure of what to do or how to react. If she ran toward the house, everyone would laugh at her. But to go behind the trees with Mike could be a fate worse than embarrassment.
Squatting down, he placed his hands on her knees, assuring her, “We don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”
On his face and in his eyes was a look of tenderness she would have never expected from a jock. Having daydreamed about the moment, in her version there was always an air of arrogance about him. This Mike, however, this huge football player, was not arrogant at all. Actually, he seemed very sweet. Looking up at him, and without conscience thought of it, her head began to nod. What was wrong with her head? Did it not know her dad would kill her for an affirmative nod?
Extending his hand to her, he grinned playfully, saying, “Let’s just do it to shut them up.”
They walked hand in hand to the small clearing, and for a moment, just stood there. Someone had given him a flashlight, so it was not entirely dark; but it was still dark enough to be creepy. Breaking the silence first, he confessed, “I have been trying to get up the nerve to talk to you since the beginning of the year.”
“Really?” Her heart was pounding and her hands were trembling. Her entire body shook. It was cool out, but not enough for the convulsions she was experiencing. Did he notice? Her mind was wandering, and all she could do was shake and grin like an idiot. He said something, but she missed it due to her crazy, wandering mind. “Huh?”
“I said I don’t know exactly what we are supposed to do back here.”
Chewing her thumbnail, she whispered, “Me neither.”
What happened next was something that would cause them to roll with laughter for years to come. He asked, “So, wanna be my girlfriend?”
“Sure.” What else could she say?
“Can I give you a kiss?”
This time, “sure” would not even come out of her mouth, so her rebellious head began to nod again.
Leaning down, he kissed her lightly on the cheek.
Chris smiled. “That was a nice story. Did you date him for very long?”
After recounting the night they met, she realized how long it had been since she allowed herself to think back on such fond memories. Throughout the years, she had feared recalling the good times, but found it less painful than she anticipated it would be. “We weren’t actually allowed to date until I was sixteen. Even then it was with serious restrictions.” She grinned. “My dad was overboard protective.”
“You were together for some time then?”
“We married when we were eighteen.”
He sat there for a moment, for some reason surprised by that. Often, in cases of spousal abuse, signs of violent tendencies begin prior to marriage. If she had dated him so many years before marrying him, surely there was some indication. “What was he like back then?”
Gazing into the fireplace, she wished it were cold enough to have a fire going. That thought led her to remember she had agreed to take some firewood down to another cabin that afternoon. They were having a bonfire after dark.
“Robin?”
Looking at him, she shook her head, uncertain of what he had just asked. Without warning, she felt flush and unable breathe, so she jumped to her feet. “I should go. I don’t think I can do this anymore.”
Standing, he moved between her and the door. “If you are feeling uncomfortable, we can stop. I believe it was a good start, though.” He wanted to keep the door open for more sessions.
“Thanks for talking with me. I’m sure it will help.” Stepping around him, she reached the door.
“Tomorrow at noon?”
She muttered, “I don’t think I can.” Without another word, she left him standing there.
The remainder of the day, she tried to stay away from the others as much as possible. Though not upset exactly, she instead felt far away. Memory after memory flooded her mind, and for the most part, she simply wanted to wade in them alone. From the time they met, all the way through school, they were inseparable. When she said she was no longer invisible, it was true. They were that couple in school, the one everyone wanted to be. He played football and she cheered. From homecoming and prom to every other event and dance, they were at the center of them all, undeniably, the perfect portrait of high school sweethearts. From sweethearts to marriage it remained ideal until their lives were shattered by loss and grief. Those were the memories that threatened to drown her.
She questioned whether she could go and speak with Chris again the next day. Sure, she could tell him sweet stories of junior high and high school. Even those first few years of marriage, though occasioned by separation, were beautiful and full of real and genuine love. It was the next chapter she feared.
Later that evening, Emma and Robin were sitting on the swing under the gazebo. Becky and Tommy had gone out for the night. Emma had encountered Robin several times throughout the day, but each time, someone was around, preventing her from asking questions. Finally alone, she asked, “So how did it go today?”
First, she told her Chris was actually the counselor and Emma got a kick out of that. Then, Robin offered, “It was a start, I guess.”
“That’s all I get?” She patted her leg, hoping for more.
“Today wasn’t so hard. I know it will get more difficult though.”
“But you will stick with it, right?”
“I don’t know if I can.”
Emma sat for a minute before daring bring up the subject. “We both know it is getting near time. Do you want to talk about it?”
“No. I just can’t. Not now.”
“Okay. I won’t press you.” After a few quiet moments, she asked, “Are you sleeping well?”
“Last night, yes.”
Chris was walking toward them and both became immediately quiet.
“Mind if I join you?”
Emma stood. “I was just heading in. You two enjoy the stars.” Her intention was no longer to set them up, rather to give them privacy to talk.
“You don’t have to go on my account. I’m beginning to get a complex around you two.” He smiled.
“Early mornings, ya know.” Pausing, she patted his cheek. “Have a good night.”
Looking back at Robin, she smiled at her. “See you in the morning, Hummingbird.”
“I will come up early for coffee.”
Both remained quiet for a moment, finally, he asked, “Hummingbird?”
“She began calling me that when I was a little girl. I guess because of Robin.”
“I see.”
“Sorry to take off today. I guess I just felt some things I wasn’t ready for.”
Taking the seat beside her, he turned to face her. “There is no required amount of time. We will simply talk as you feel you can. No more, no less.”
Staying away from any hint of the past, they chatted about senseless things. From weather to what outdoor activities they each liked, they kept the conversation in non-threatening places. As much as he wanted to help her, the truth was, he simply liked hanging out with her. Having no hidden agenda, simply being friends with her was easy to do. Appreciating her sense of humor, her sarcasm, and her kindness, he sensed she was good for him, and helped to keep his mind off of impending things. As long as she was willing to be friends, he would seek her
out.
Out until nearly midnight, while talking to her, time flew by. With her guard down, he found her to be one of the sweetest, funniest women he had ever met. It was not lost on him how compatible they were. From movies to sports, they had most things in common except football, and on that, they agreed to disagree. He hated the Panthers and she hated the Patriots. But that was about as far as the dissimilarity went. Walking back with her to her cabin, once she went inside, he left feeling a bit let down. It was one of those perfect nights, one you hate to see end. If things were different…he stopped the thought mid-way through. It was safer that way. Things were not different and never would be.
6
Robin sat in Chris’ cabin feeling a little more comfortable than she had the day before. The night prior was unusual, in that she dreamed of Mike, but not the end times. Instead, she dreamed of good times, times when she was at her very happiest.
“We had a good marriage. No, we had a great marriage.”
“No signs at all of violence early on? Or even when you were dating?”
“No, not at all.” Hesitating, she added, “I can only think of one time he was even angry. In a way, he became violent then, but he did not hurt me.”
“Tell me about it.”
“It was our junior year. Something happened, he really hurt me, so I broke things off. He didn’t take it well at all.” Even the memory of it was unsettling. It was the first and only time he ever hurt her before he began drinking. Technically, it too was related to drinking, to be sure.
“What did he do?”
“He hit a locker a few times, nothing else.”
“Were you standing beside the locker?”
“Yes, but he was not angry at me. I think he was angrier with himself, and maybe a bit jealous.”
“Was he often jealous?” Looking for common traits of an abuser, he thought maybe he stumbled onto something. Jealousy was often something that drove spousal abuse.
“Then? No, not really. I suppose though, I had never given him reason to be.”
“And this time?”
“I wasn’t trying to make him jealous. It was just that this guy was talking to me, and he flipped out.”
