by Lisa Heaton
Slamming through the door leading from the back porch, she sprang into mid-air as she jumped over the back steps. Secretly, when no one was around, she had practiced this jump, always recognizing it might mean living or dying. Landing perfectly, she never missed a step as she continued across the lawn and toward the stone stairway. Having considered and experimented with the quickest route, she discovered she could slide down the hill much more quickly than she could take the steps.
Chris was passing the edge of the tree line when he heard faint screams off in the distance. Picking up the pace, he had a sinking feeling, and moved as quickly as he could toward the main house. As if watching a movie play out in slow motion, he witnessed Robin sliding down the steep hillside, nearing the bottom. His first thought was that she must have fallen, until something else caught his eye. Mid-way down the steps was a massive man, jogging down at a rapid pace. Suddenly, it dawned on him, it was Mike chasing her.
Moving swiftly, knowing for certain he could do nothing to stop the huge man without a weapon, his only hope was to slow him down long enough for Robin to escape. With adrenaline pumping and his heart pounding, he was prepared to do whatever it took to save her; he had nothing to lose.
Though running as fast as his legs would carry him, he watched helplessly as Mike closed the distance between them. There was no way Chris could get to her first. She was so close, the dock merely inches from her when Mike reached for her. As Chris considered her path of escape, her late night swims came much more clearly into focus. The water was her getaway plan, probably had been for as long as she swam alone. Witnessing the most unsettling sight of his life, he looked on as she crumpled helplessly to the ground. As Chris drew nearer, though still not near enough to be of help, Mike simply stopped and stood over her. Without saying a word, he sank to his knees before her and began to weep.
Approaching the two slumped figures, he knelt close beside her. “Robin, it’s Chris.” Softly, he placed his hand on her back. She was kneeling with her head buried into her knees and her arms covering her head for protection.
Hoping to reassure her, Mike reached out to take her hand, saying, “I’m not here to hurt you, and I surely didn’t mean to scare you.” All he wanted was a chance to talk to her, but as she ran, the sad realization of how terrified she was of him caused him greater pain than any he had known in the past five years. Instinctively, he had followed her, but now, seeing the way she cowered from him, he understood what a mistake it had been. Never, even to satisfy his own need for forgiveness, would he have pursued her if he had known how traumatized she actually was.
Holding out his hand, Chris stopped Mike from touching her. “You shouldn’t have come.”
Ignoring Chris, Mike whispered, “I had to tell you how sorry I am. Please forgive me.” Again, he broke out into loud disturbing sobs.
Slowly, Robin raised her head, and in doing so, she could see what Mike could not. Standing directly behind him was Emma holding a rifle. The look on her face was determined, she was prepared to fire. Weakly, Robin whispered, “No, Emma.”
“I will kill you for what you’ve done.” Although her hands trembled, Emma’s heart was set. If he were not so close to Robin, she would have fired already. Without doubt, it was the opportunity she had longed for over the past five years. Images of Robin’s battered face surfaced in her mind, riling her up to an even greater level of fury.
Mike stared at Robin vacantly. “It doesn’t matter. Let her do it.” Having seen Emma out of the corner of his eye as she descended the stairway, he genuinely had no concern for his own life. After all that had happened between them, having lost everything that ever mattered to him, to live or die was not a matter that troubled him. If he died, maybe Robin would be at peace.
“I am asking you to please put the gun down,” Robin pleaded, knowing what it felt like to carry his blood on her own hands. It was something she wished on no one else, especially Emma.
“I want you to stand up and slowly move away from her.”
Hoping for only a minute more, just enough time to express the things he had rehearsed during the drive, he confessed, “I’ve been sober five years now.” His face wrinkled as he fought back more tears. “I can’t explain how or why I did all that. But I am begging you to forgive me. Not a day has gone by that I have not thought about you, or about what I put you through. I needed you to know, I found Jesus, just like you said.” He stopped and sighed heavily. Her face was expressionless, as if he weren’t speaking at all. “I don’t know how we got here. I just know it was all my fault.”
When he spoke the name of Jesus, it took her back to that night and the look of fear in his eyes as he lay on the floor, blood gushing from his abdomen with every beat of his heart. It was all she knew to speak to him, her only hope for him, his only hope. Now, looking into his eyes, she felt a wave of compassion for him, seeing how desperate he was for her to hear him. Lowering her eyes, and with a shudder, she caught sight of his hands resting on his knees.
At the sight of them, something happened in her mind, like a deafening roar of thunder. In that moment, there was no one there but the two of them. Emma and Chris had faded away to another place. Reaching out, she almost touched his hands, the same ones that lifted her little baby from her arms all those years ago and handed him to the paramedic. Lightning joined the storm in her mind, and with a vivid flash, she could see the scene and even hear the sounds that accompanied it. With her arms empty, knowing they would never feel the warmth of Michael in them again, a cry escaped her, and along with it, the very breath of life from within her. From that moment, she too ceased living. In looking at his hands, she realized that on that very day, Mike began the process of dying just as she had. She withdrew into herself and away from him, and because she did, he died without her by drowning himself in a bottle.
This was indeed the moment she dreaded for the past five years. It was not retaliation or revenge on his part that frightened her. Deep inside, she feared facing the tremendous emptiness of her arms since the loss of her child. She feared having to see Mike again and relive it over and over. She feared that someday she would have to go back to that house and face the one moment of her life she had tucked away safely in some deep recess of her heart.
When she moved to touch him, Mike held his breath, anticipating the touch of her skin on his. There was a glimmer of Robin veiled behind the blank expression on her face. For a split second, he caught a glimpse of her. But it was not the Robin he had always known, it was the grieving mother who eventually became a stranger to him. When she withdrew her hand, Mike exhaled softly, hope pouring from his heart like the draining of a bathtub. He felt it swirl round and round till finally all hope was gone and all that remained was the gurgling sound of the last drops escaping him. During the long journey to see her, his mind was certain all was lost, but still, deep inside, in a place where he had no control, hope floated around wondering, “What if?”
Wiping his nose with the back of his hand, he turned to look at Chris. Clearly, the man was in love with her, and no matter how much that hurt him, Mike knew he was the only one to blame. She had moved on without him and well she should. “Just take better care of her than I did.” Without another word, he stood and moved toward the stairway.
Robin looked at Emma, assuring her, “I’m okay.” Turning back, she watched Mike. His shoulders hung low, so low in fact, he hardly looked like a tall man at all. Holding to the railing as he ascended the stairs, it was clear, he had little strength to make it to the top. “Mike.”
Turning, he watched her move slowly toward him. Her expression was altered. No longer was there a look of alarm as in the beginning, or emptiness, as it was just before, but rather something closer to tenderness, something nearer to the look she wore when she once gave him a second chance he didn’t deserve.
“I’ll walk with you.” Quietly, she walked in step with him. As they moved slowly up the stairs together, she remembered a time when she loved him more than l
ife itself. Before the drinking and violence and misery, she loved this man with all her heart. Maybe he could be that man again. Without question, it was too late for them, but maybe he could start fresh, with someone new. As for her, there would never be that newness. She was simply not capable of it.
As they walked, they both remained quiet. Oddly though, it was not at all awkward. He was the one person who inhabited the planet that she knew better than anyone else, and he knew her that way. Two people who shared a common history that no one else could enter. That recognition caused her heart to burn with regret. There could never be a living soul who would know her that way.
At his truck, he stopped and turned to face her. She finally spoke. “I hope you stay away from the booze, Mike.” This was not a moment she ever prepared for. When she played out the scene in her head, it was always the worst possible scenario. After all that happened, she thought it could never come to this, a simple good-bye. Well, not quite so simple. The tearing she felt in her heart was anything but simple. As if literally being torn in two, her heart longed for the days when they were so happy and more deeply in love than anyone she had ever known. In opposition to that longing was reality. That life was gone forever and nothing could ever resurrect it.
“I will.” As hollow as it may have sounded, he truly meant it. His life was so drastically altered by the events of that night that he would never be the same man he was then. The chaos in his head was gone, and he no longer felt the compulsion for alcohol. Being apart for so many years, there was no way he could expect her to understand, in one mere encounter alone, the change that had occurred in him. He was a different man entirely, but to her he was the one who nearly killed her. Leaning against the truck, he covered his face. Sliding his hands across his rough chin, he whispered, “I know there’s no way to undo it or make up for any of it, but Robin, I just need you to know…” He hung his head, unable to even look at her. “I’ve always loved you more than anything in this world. Still do.”
She looked away. “Don’t, Mike.” At his words, the pain searing through her chest became even more unbearable. For so many years, she loved him just as he described, more than anything in the world. There was nothing she placed above him. Sadly though, their love was never enough. Standing near him after so many years apart, even after all that happened between them, her instinct was to move into him. Knowing what it felt like to be wrapped in his strong arms, to be molded against his body, she could feel the very sensation of it on her skin if she allowed herself. How could such love still linger amid their circumstances?
“I’m not asking for anything. I know it’s too late for us.” He looked down at her, and when he did, he could still see that young girl he fell in love with all those years ago. Reaching for her hand, he found it trembling in his. “I just had to see you. That’s all.”
Before this day, his memory brought with it fear and torment, but finally, standing there with him, all that remained was sadness so real and palpable it caused her mouth to go dry. Choking out the words, she whispered, “I’m glad you came. I think we both needed this, in order to move on.”
The expression in her eyes nearly caused his knees to buckle. Large dark eyes conveying such deep emotions, they expressed boundless grief. For twelve years when she looked at him, he found nothing but love and devotion, but this day, only sorrow remained. Her words, “to move on” suggested a concept he would never attempt. Without her, there was no such thing as moving on. He would gladly live in the past with her in his heart rather than face the prospect of a future without her.
“About the house. Trevor is moving out next week. I can’t afford to buy you out now, but I will come up with the money as soon as I can.” He would work two jobs if that was what it took to stay in the home they made together. Everywhere he turned, she was there. It was the only place he would ever feel at home. His son was born there and died there. Never could he imagine living anywhere else.
Holding up her hand, she shook her head, saying “No. I don’t want any part of it.”
“It’s half yours.” Actually it was more than half hers. They saved for a down payment, but when they came back from California, her parents paid the rest. It was not much of a house back then, just a rundown little farmhouse, but they worked tirelessly on renovating it. It was theirs.
He stepped closer to her. Without a thought of the propriety of it, he circled his arms around her. To hold her again, even if it was just for a moment, was worth the drive. “I’ll always love you, Rob.” Tears streamed down his face, flowing freely onto her shirt. “Words can never tell you how sorry I am.”
As she always had, she felt so tiny in his arms. How could he have hurt her the way he did, nearly killing her? This was the same girl he danced with at every prom, holding her in his arms in this very same way, the girl who knelt over him on the football field, crying when he blew out his shoulder, ruining all hope of a scholarship. This was the same girl he saw for the first time that day in school, convinced she would someday be his. This was the woman he married and planned to spend the rest of his life with, the mother of his only son. How could he have destroyed what they once shared?
He held to her so tightly she could barely breathe, yet strangely, she had no desire to pull away from him. For the first time in many years she didn’t feel quite so misplaced. It was a feeling that lasted for only a split second, but in that second, she felt less empty. From out of the blue, though, roaring to the forefront of her memory, violent scenes flashed across her mind, causing her to pull away.
Out of words and void of hope, he whispered, “I won’t bother you again.” Releasing her from his grasp, he moved quietly to his truck and slid behind the wheel.
She went back and stood on the porch. Watching his taillights bounce down the gravel drive, she whispered, “Goodbye, Mike.”
Chris watched Robin and Mike from inside the inn. He didn’t want to invade her privacy; instead he wanted to make sure she was safe. When she turned and began to walk toward the inn, and Mike started his truck, he moved away from the window. Feeling slightly uneasy, he made his way back to his cabin.
Robin and Emma talked for over an hour before she finally went to see Chris. Feeling a bit embarrassed about how she had acted earlier, she considered his reaction, how quickly he ran to help her. His concern touched her, reminding her how selfless he was. Without regard for himself, he reacted and was prepared to take Mike on. That said so much about the man he was.
After tapping lightly on his door, she turned to face the lake. The sun was just setting, and the sky shimmered with a brilliant orange glow. It was as if the outer edges of the earth were ablaze, and in that moment, she wished she could capture the memory and keep it forever. Suddenly, all things were new. No longer would she anticipate or dread an inevitable encounter with Mike. What she had feared most was behind her, and up ahead of her was a new life to be lived. Somehow, somewhere along the way, hope had crept up inside her and the implications of it seemed limitless.
As Chris opened the door, he noticed she was standing with her back to him. Something about that gesture increased the uneasiness he already felt since watching her walk away with Mike. There was something about her long history with him, though turbulent to be sure, that troubled him. Hidden in the way they looked at one another was a deep level of intimacy. The way they walked in unison, it was an old familiarity that he did not have with her and never would.
“I am glad to see you are all right.”
Turning to face him, she nodded and smiled halfheartedly. “Yes, I’m all right.” Embarrassed, she looked down. “I guess I overreacted a bit.”
Without returning the smile, he disagreed. “I don’t think it was an overreaction. Based on your history, I think it was perfectly normal.”
“Now, there is nothing to worry about, not anymore.”
He looked over her shoulder, not wanting to look her in the eye. “So what does that mean?”
She noticed the coolness in
his tone, something she had never heard from him before. “What are you asking?”
“So, are you going back to him?” When Mike wrapped his arms around her, the way she melted into him, he could not doubt she still loved him.
“Are you serious?” Taking another step toward him, she asked, “How could you think that?”
He looked down at her and his stomach fluttered. Her soft brown eyes caused the same reaction in him every time he looked at them. Their effect on him was becoming more difficult to ignore. “I don’t know.” Shaking his head, he mumbled, “I don’t know anything anymore.”
Sensing Chris was upset, she was at a loss for what to say. Finally, she asked, “Are you saying I should?” Even with the pain and regret she felt when Mike was driving away, never once had she considered going back to him.
“No, not at all.” His feelings for her were blurring his judgment, and quite possibly his advice. Should she go back? It was not a question he had even contemplated so to advise her either way would be a mistake. “That is something you have to decide.”
“I am not even considering it.” Something was going on, though she was not at all sure what. He seemed unusually pale, and maybe even distant in a way she had never known him to be. “Do you think we need to stop counseling now?”
“No, absolutely not.” Sitting in a rocker, he began to move slowly. He acknowledged he was crossing a line he should never cross. Well, his heart was anyway. No matter how he felt for her, he would never undermine her openness with him by exposing his feelings.
“You still have never told me how you got to where you are today, either of you.”
No doubt, she had been avoiding the most difficult revelations. Yes, she shared how Mike had changed when he began drinking and how the violence began, but she had yet to find herself strong enough to tell him about Michael. “There is something I haven’t told you yet. I have been thinking about it a lot, and I believe it was the very first stitch.”
