by Lisa Heaton
Upon receiving another envelope with his handwriting, she found herself excited. It was as he implied in his first letter; you cannot be best friends with someone so long without a tremendous gap emerging in their absence. He got her jokes and she got his. Without question, there was a history with him she could never have with another living soul. She hated that she had to hide her true feelings about receiving the letter. When Emma handed it to her, she tried to act as if it were no big deal. But it was.
Alone in her cabin, she started a fire and sat in Chris’ chair to read the letter. Seeing the words, “Hey, Rob,” caused her to stop reading altogether. Closing her eyes, she fought back the urge to cry. There was a lump in her throat, and she swallowed hard to try to clear it. When he called her at home before they married, that was his usual greeting. It felt like a lifetime ago, and then again, it felt like yesterday. She could hear the tone of his voice ringing in her head. “Hey, Rob.” Finally shaking off the memory, she continued on with his letter.
His trained eye, that was funny, causing her to giggle aloud. Unexpectedly, and after having been so thrilled by his letter, she came to his question about what she wanted to be back in ninth grade. And while he could have never known its impact, it caused her to weep openly. At no time was he caught up in himself, as he included her in every aspect of his life. The truth was, and she could understand how he could have missed it, she wanted to be exactly what she was, his.
From the moment they began dating, she wanted to be his wife and the mother of his children. No one ever believed they would stay together throughout school. She knew, though, and so did he. Within weeks of the campfire, they began talking about a future. At first, her parents thought it a crush, one that would pass. It took at least two years before they became overly worried, then worry became acceptance. When the two decided to marry at such a young age, no one, especially her parents, were surprised by it. They loved Mike, everyone did.
Her mom was a stay-at-home mom and made it look appealing. She was there for her every minute and never seemed too put out by the constant demands: baking something last minute, no problem, hemming a dress, no problem. While she did not necessarily make it look easy, she made it look rewarding. To Robin, it was as noble a profession as being a doctor or nurse.
Reading his question again, she knew she would never be able to respond to it. It was something too painful for both of them, and it was better left unsaid.
Robin spent all week thinking about Mike’s letter, and though wanting to reply, she put it off for another week. It was similar to eating ice cream. At first you are enjoying it tremendously, until you get that pounding in your head – brain freeze. She had heart freeze. Certainly, she enjoyed his letters, how could she not? Before he was ripped away from her, he was the absolute foundation of her life and existence. Long before the night they last saw each other, he was gone. Nearly at the first drink, she lost him, and she had missed him every moment since he became that stranger.
With her new understanding of PTSD, she often thought back to when he returned from his second tour. Admittedly, he was different at first, but then they found out about the baby, and quickly the move was upon them. After a few months, he seemed okay, or at least better. Still, he was not exactly right, and she knew it deep down inside. Figuring there would have to be some effects from war, she assumed it would be something he would get over. What if she had been more inquisitive? Would things have turned out differently?
Sitting in a booth at the diner, Mike stared at the full plate of food in front of him. For the first time in as long as he could remember, he found he had no appetite. Having not received a response from Robin in nearly three weeks, he conceded their correspondence was likely over. In constant prayer, he thanked God for the one thoughtful letter she had sent. When viewing things in proper context, he could expect no more.
“You seem miles away.”
Having not noticed her approach, when Shelly slid into the booth across from him, he was startled. Always uneasy in her presence, he opted not to respond. Newly divorced, she had made it a point to let him know on several occasions. Though still a pretty woman, he found nothing about her attractive. The circumstances of her divorce were common knowledge around town. Her husband caught her cheating, and apparently, the boyfriend did not stick around long after. It was no one Mike knew. What he did know was that she had set her sights on him, since every time he turned around, she was there. Even at the gym, she began going at the same time he did, and while he tried to avoid her, she was everywhere.
“I was just leaving.” He reached for the check, but when he did, she placed her hand on his.
“Don’t you ever get lonesome, out there all alone?”
The way she looked at him conveyed her real intentions. The realization occurred to him, she would show up at his house sooner or later if he failed to put a stop to this now. The last thing he needed was her out there with him alone. Although he trusted himself fine, he did not trust her at all.
Ashamed by his actions, he recalled her birthday party all those years before. Though he never told Robin, it was his first time to drink, and that day he drank way more than he should have. By the time they got to the party, having been drinking since midday, he was totally out of it. While not passing out drunk, he felt unlike himself. So when she came on to him and he responded to her as he did, it was not what it seemed to Shelly. Clearly she thought he was interested, but truthfully, the entire time he was with her, he was envisioning Robin. They had gone no further than kissing in all the years they dated, so when tempted in such a way, combined with the effects of the alcohol, he lost himself in the moment. By nine o’clock, he was throwing up, mainly due to regret over his actions and the fact that he could possibly lose Robin because of it.
Pulling his hand from beneath Shelly’s, he stated, “As a matter of fact, I don’t. I am content just as I am. And I want to be up front with you, I am not interested in a relationship.”
Biting seductively at her lower lip, she whispered, “Who said anything about a relationship?”
Without question, he understood her meaning. She was offering herself with no strings attached, as if that were possible. And while he felt sorry for her, as her desperation was as sad as it was pathetic, he had no intention of allowing a door of possibility to remain open. Leaning in, ensuring no one would overhear, he sternly reminded her, “I said no seventeen years ago, and the answer is still no.” He was referring to her proposition at the bonfire the night he met Robin. What Shelly suggested they do for seven minutes was downright filthy for kids that age.
Infuriated by his rejection, she spat, “Yeah, I guess there’s no accounting for taste. How did that work out for ya, Mike? Where is your precious Robin now?” Standing, she added, “If you are still pining away for her after all she did to you, then God help you.”
Watching her leave, he realized how much he must have hurt her. Though not his intention, he knew he had to be firm and clear. An apology crossed his mind, but he suspected that if he acknowledged her at all, he would only be opening the door for more trouble. Considering her angry words, “pining away,” he admitted the truth of them. For years he had, and for life he would. And what did she mean when she said after all Robin did to him?
Once home, Mike went through the same routine as he had over the past weeks. This time though, instead of disappointment awaiting him, inside the mailbox was a letter from Robin. “Thank you, Lord,” he whispered aloud. He felt like a kid again, like when they first began going together – that was what they called it. Her parents would not allow her to date, or even call it dating until they were seventeen. Smiling at the recollection of those times, he thought of how they passed notes back and forth during school. In the hallway, at lunch, constantly, they wrote to each other throughout the day, just short notes, ones describing how boring a class was or how much they missed each other. Did he appreciate those notes then the way he did now? Maybe not quite as much, having such
tragedy in their wake to cause him to see her willingness to communicate with him as nothing short of miraculous, but even back then, he would feel a thrill of excitement when she slipped a folded sheet of paper into his hand.
Speeding up the driveway, he came to an abrupt stop. Without bothering to put his truck into park, he tore into the envelope. Unfolding the small sheet of paper, his heart plummeted.
Hey, Mike –
Still praying for your mom.
Robin
He sat for several minutes, staring at the one sentence. What did he expect from her? He asked himself. Without a doubt, she had been more than gracious as it was. What more could he want from her? Did he really believe that something could begin again, after all that happened? Sure, he secretly hoped, but deep down, he had known better. Robin’s willingness to reply to his first letter was more kindness than he deserved. But no matter how he tried to frame it or put it into perspective, or talk himself out of being disappointed, the simple truth was, he was devastated.
Moving slowly into the house, dejected, he slumped into a chair and sat. Evening came and still he sat. Without energy even to get up and turn on a light, he just sat with the Lord, seeking comfort. His prayers were more for her than for himself. “God give her a better life than I offered her.”
Stir crazy, Robin volunteered to go to the market. Having anticipated a letter in return, she found herself disappointed when none came. It had been more than a month since she received Mike’s second letter, and she was beginning to believe she would not hear from him again. Maybe he discovered a way to move on. She hoped so for his sake. Maybe someone new had come into the picture, and yes, the thought of that stung her heart, but ultimately, she had to know it would happen.
As handsome as he was when he was young, Mike was even more so as he matured. What was once smooth and soft young man’s skin had become more weathered and creased. When he smiled, tiny lines formed in the corners of his eyes. There was wisdom in them and new found tenderness. Something about his presence altogether seemed more assured and confident. It struck her – it was godliness – that was what made him so much more attractive. He had become a good and godly man, and it flowed from him in words and actions. He was so broad and beautiful, how could any woman not be attracted to him? She would be a fool to believe any less? Knowing how life worked in their small town, he was sure to be the object of much affection. This realization would prompt her to take more conclusive steps in allowing it to be over. No matter what comfort or connection with her former life his letters brought her, she had to let him go.
As much as she said it was over, so far for her it had not been. Maybe that was why the Lord was so heavy handed with her about going to see him personally, to allow some healing. They both needed closure to move forward. He needed to be set free as much as she did. She could see it in his eyes when they were together on the patio. Of course she would give him that.
As she turned into the market, her phone slid from the console and onto the passenger seat. Once parked, she stretched over the gear shift to reach for it, when something caught her eye. There, between the console and passenger seat was an envelope. Squeezing her hand between the two, she caught the paper with the tip of her fingers and dragged it upward. It was her last letter to Mike.
When she took his letter to the post office, she had a bundle of mail from the inn and had haphazardly tossed it all over into the passenger seat. So of course she failed to notice one missing envelope when she carried the stack in. Sighing heavily, she tried to put this in perspective with her earlier thoughts. She had waited two weeks before writing, and a week later, she sent a simple note telling him she was praying for his mom. For all he knew, she had only sent the one note. Was that why he never wrote back to her? From his viewpoint, she never replied to his last letter.
Skipping the market for the time being, she rushed over to the post office. Inside her console, she pulled a small piece of paper from a note pad and scribbled,
Thankfully, I am a wild driver. My phone went flying when I made a turn just now, and when I reached for it, I found this letter. Sorry this is so late.
Robin Andretti
Inside the post office, she purchased a blank envelope and addressed it. Folding the misplaced letter, along with the note, she tucked them inside. As she handed the envelope to the clerk, she silently prayed, “Lord, please don’t let him think I simply ignored his letter.”
Back in the car, she felt a stinging sense of conviction. The way she took his letter with the mail from the inn was, in a way, a form of deception. In truth, she had not wanted Emma to know she was communicating with him regularly. Though she had not fully come to understand her motives in keeping it secret, she had some inkling of an idea. In one way, it was Emma’s disapproval of him that prevented Robin from being open about it. Prior to her visiting him, Emma had done nothing but discourage it. Understandably, she was still so bitter against him that no matter what Robin said about the need to see him face to face, she tried to dissuade her.
Another truth she had to admit to herself was that she did not want to be one of those women, the type who gets knocked around, and then when her man comes around full of apologies, she goes back for more of the same. While she knew the circumstances were different entirely, still, she felt the reluctance of appearing that way. It was something she was trying to work through. Its name, as difficult as it was to admit, was pride.
The fact of the matter was that she enjoyed having him back in her life. Without question, she loved seeing his handwriting and being able to envision him sitting there, choosing every word. She wanted to know what was happening in his life, even if it meant he would soon share something as painful as falling in love again. After all the years apart and all the grief and pain, they could be no more than friends, but she wanted that, and she desperately hoped he did, too. While putting groceries away in the pantry, she realized she would have to be honest with Emma. No matter how she reacted, Robin was determined to keep the lines of communication open with Mike, and Emma would have to try and understand. It would likely run its course and eventually dwindle away. So what was the harm?
Mike had spent more time at the church lately. During the spring and summer, he spent his Saturdays there, maintaining the lawn and whatever else needed to be done. Since fall was fully upon them, not as much was required of him. Still he went and did odd jobs that other people avoided – anything to keep him out of the house.
After his release from prison, he went to church that first Sunday, Robin’s church. Then, he considered it hers because, when they were younger, his only motive in going was to be with her. Her dad would not allow them out together unattended, so church was three extra times per week he was able to see her. Wednesday night, Sunday mornings and nights, he showed up with only one thing on his mind, her. Then when they returned home from Pendleton, he went while she was pregnant and while Mikey was still alive. After that though, he found any and every excuse to stay away. Other than a major holiday, he stayed home and watched ball or worked around the house.
That first day, walking back in after five years in prison, he was not sure what to expect. What he did know was that God was leading him there, and while he fought it at first, the prompting was too strong to ignore. To his amazement, he was welcomed by most everyone. It was certainly a God thing. A man with his history of abuse, especially against a woman who had attended their church all her life, could hardly expect much of a welcome. There, though, he found a new family and had grown to love them more and more over time.
Easily enough, he became close friends with the pastor. Since Tim was single, he spent more time at the church than a man with a family might. That allowed them to get to know each other better. Since Tim arrived during Mike’s incarceration, he was not as familiar with the history, other than the gossip, so Mike was glad to have someone who was willing to get to know the new man, rather than the one who did the things everyone else remembered.
; This day, having finished early, he went home. Making the drive out of town, he did not relish the idea of a lonesome afternoon at home. He had stopped waiting and hoping for anything more from Robin, and finally, he was at peace with it. God gave him that peace. So this time, opening his mailbox, there was no expectation. Maybe that was what made the sight of her letter so much sweeter. Reaching for it, he noted how his hands trembled and laughed at himself. Moving to his truck, he lowered the tailgate and sat there to read it. It was chilly out, but he barely noticed with such warmth stirring inside. Noticing the bulk of the envelope, he could tell it was no simple page inside. Tearing into it anxiously, he first opened the small piece of paper.
Smiling broadly, he read the note explaining the missing letter and was relieved to know she had not simply ignored his last letter. And her signature, Robin Andretti was hysterical. For years he called her that. When they were out together he drove, having always feared her getting pulled over for speeding with him in the car. A deputy with a reckless driving wife, how embarrassing would that have been?
Opening the sealed envelope, he pulled out the page and began.
Hey, Mike -
An eye for that sort of thing? Really? So while you are busy stuffing your face with half a cow, you think you would notice? I hate to say I doubt your ability, but my memory is not all that bad. I have seen you eat. You go to a faraway place, you and your food.
Resting the letter on his lap, he threw his head back and chuckled. She had always given him a hard time about how much he ate, everyone did. No matter how much grief she gave him, though, she confessed on more than one occasion that she loved to cook for him and watch him eat. Cooking came naturally for her, and he missed it. Closing his eyes, he swallowed hard. He missed everything about her. In his mind, when he read her words, he could hear her voice and that served to make him miss her more.
