by Lisa Heaton
“I need to talk to you.”
“Sure thing.” She set the vacuum back upright and followed him into the kitchen. When he dragged a chair out for her, she sat. “What do you want to talk about?”
Looking around, he said, “Looks good in here. Spring cleaning?”
“Sorta. I haven’t smoked in three days. I gotta stay busy or I’ll blow it.”
“Hey, good for you.” Reaching out, he grabbed her hand, saying, “I am so proud of you.” Since Robin had said the things she did in her letters about his mother, he was really making an effort to be more kind and loving toward her. Until recently, he had not realized how much he used to distance himself from her. Other than Trevor and him, she had no one, so it was important for them to reconnect.
“I think I might make it this time. I tried last month but didn’t make it past day two.” By the look on his face, she could see something was wrong. “What is it you want to talk about?”
“What was it like for Robin after I went to prison?”
The memory of it made her sad. Robin was a sweet girl and deserved better than she got. “It was tough on her. Everybody turned on her and her parents, too.”
“What do you mean, ‘turned on her’?”
“They blamed her for what happened.”
“How could they possibly blame her?” He was stunned. Had they not seen what he saw in the photographs? The images flooded his mind, reminding him that night he was crazed and nearly killed her. His sense about her, that she would soon end things between them, could he blame her in the least? Why had she held on as long as she had? After what he did to her, he was finally convinced that she could never love him the way she once did, never beyond friendship.
She looked at him, surprised he was so out of touch. “You were their star, Mike. In their eyes, you could do no wrong. When they could think of no way to make sense of what happened, they made things up.”
“Like what?”
“Rumors started going around that you caught her cheatin’ and got into it with the man she was sleeping with. Said she shot you to protect him and that you took the blame just to save her from going to jail. They glorified you, as if you were some saint. They had to know you were out drinking several nights a week. If they knew though, they sure never spread that around. Folks said all kinds of things, but never bad about you. One night, while she was still at her parents’ house, someone dumped trash all over the yard and painted nasty things on the garage. She left right after that.”
He sat there, rubbing the stubble on his chin. “I don’t know what to say. I had no idea.”
“People like a shooting star, not a falling star. They didn’t want to believe you were the problem.” Standing to get a cup of coffee, she added, “Some people know the truth, though, ‘cause when anyone said anything to me, I set ‘em straight.” Joining him again, she asked, “Can you believe a town that knows so much about everyone doesn’t know the truth about you?”
Hanging his head, he whispered, “It was all me.”
“I know.” Patting his hand, she admitted, “I should have said something. I suspected – no, I knew what was going on. But I didn’t want to butt in. After that night, I sure wish I would have.”
“Robin was here today.” Once he went to see her at Christmas, he had to tell his mother they were talking. When he told her, expecting her to take a harsh stand as she had before, she surprised him with something almost like encouragement. She said, “I don’t blame you. Life is short.”
“Really, what for?”
“She just wanted to talk. Some things are going on. I tried to get her to go out to eat with me, but she said she didn’t belong here. No wonder she feels that way.”
Back in her room, Robin ate fast food and watched TV. Mike had called twice, and both times, she let it go to voice mail. On the trip back to Raleigh, she thought more about them, specifically, how wrong it was to continue on the way they were. Unsure of where she might end up, she knew it would not be there with him. She had come to a difficult decision. It was time to end things with him, and she would have to make it permanent. He deserved to be set free to find happiness, to have a wife and children in his own hometown, able to live out his dream. When he wrote in his note to her that he wanted her to be free to find happiness, she knew he was sincere in that desire. He wanted it for her. Shouldn’t she be willing to offer him the same?
The next morning, Robin’s phone rang at six o’clock. Answering it, she softly said, “Hello.” She had been up since nearly four, certain he would call.
“I am here. Can we have breakfast?” Standing outside of his truck, he looked up at the hotel building, wondering which room she was in. He had been sitting in the parking lot for more than an hour, waiting for it to be late enough to call. The night before had been agonizing, and he had not slept even a moment. When he finally decided to drive to Raleigh, by that point he knew what he would encounter there. Anticipation of it, though, was maddening. If it was what she wanted, to never hear from him again, he would comply with her wishes.
“Yes. I think that would be a good idea.”
“I will meet you across the street. Pancakes okay?”
“Sure.”
He sighed in resignation. Her tone was exactly what he expected.
Sitting across from each other in a booth, they both ordered. He was not saying much, and she sensed he knew what was coming. For some time, they just sat, looking at each other.
“I talked to my mom last night. I never knew what it was like then. I am so sorry, Rob.”
“That is over now.”
“Because of me, you lost everything, your family, your home, everything you had ever known. It was all my doing, and I am sorrier than I could ever possibly express.” Their food arrived, and for a moment, both sat in silence. He mostly picked at his, and he noticed she did the same.
Finally, struggling for the right words, she began, “Mike, I am glad you came this morning. I think we should talk.”
Pushing his food away, unable to eat another bite, he waited for the inevitable. He felt sorry for her as she struggled for the right words, ones that would let him down as easily as she could. She had the most tender heart of anyone he had ever known, so this was clearly excruciating for her. The last thing he wanted was for it to be so difficult for her.
It was a chilly morning, and she wore the Panthers hoodie he had given her for Christmas. Out of that thought flowed the memory of their kiss, still as fresh on his lips as Christmas Eve. It was a memory he forced from his mind, especially knowing there was no more hope.
“That note you sent, where you said this might be a mistake; I think maybe you were right.”
He exhaled loudly, feeling as if he had been punched in the gut. Unable to look at her, he hung his head and rubbed his forehead, reminding himself how grateful he was for time he had with her, and pleading for strength to do what he knew was right. All he wanted was for her to be happy and she was not happy, so he would have to let her go. Several things popped into his mind, things he wanted to tell her, ways to reassure her she was doing the right thing, but when he tried, he was unable to get them out without breaking down. Standing, he leaned down and kissed the top of her head. “I always said I will do this however you want. If this is what you want, I understand.”
Looking up at him, she saw tears in his eyes. His voice broke with each word, and she knew he was barely holding himself together. Still, it was what was best for both of them.
After tossing a twenty dollar bill onto the table, he turned and walked out of the restaurant. Sitting inside of his truck, he leaned his head over the steering wheel and began to cry. He recalled the words of Job. “Lord, though you slay me, still I will trust You.”
Deciding to skip church, though he had plenty of time to make it, Mike knew he needed to be alone. His heart was heavy, and the one thing he needed was to be alone with the Lord. On his knees in the kitchen, he prayed for her, and he prayed for strength to l
ive another day without her. Once, crying out, he admitted, “I don’t even know what to ask. I am so lost in my grief. Won’t You please help me?” After many hours of this, he heard the Lord speak as loudly and as clearly as he ever had. In that moment, he caught a glimpse of what his future held, and he had to trust His grace was sufficient.
Taking out several sheets of paper, he began to write.
18
When Robin arrived home, she spoke to Emma for a brief moment and went up to her room. She felt numb, similar to how she used to feel, as if the door to her feelings had closed again. Though she prayed and prayed, the door remained shut. For the next few days, it felt as if every prayer was bouncing off the ceiling. She could not feel God’s presence as she had come to know over the past year. Isolation and pain were again her unwelcome companions.
It was springtime, and her days passed slowly, even while she remained engaged in a flurry of activity. She spent her days cleaning and preparing for the onslaught of guests in the month to come. Intentionally, she kept to herself, trying to find relief. Often, she spent her mornings on the dock, wrapped up in a blanket, pleading for a breakthrough that never came.
By Friday afternoon, she was at the point of breaking. Sitting out on the steps, she looked out at the water, too sad even to pray. Simply, she missed Mike. As much as she was certain she had done the right thing in ending things with him, she was just as certain she would never get over missing him. Their last morning together haunted her. When he walked out, she literally felt as if part of her was being torn away. But no matter how painful, she knew if she remained in his life, he would never move on. He deserved a future, and for many reasons, she was not the one who could share that with him.
Emma came and sat next to her. “Letter for you.” Handing the envelope to Robin, she hoped it was something that would cheer her up. Since her return from her parents’, Robin had been different, not with her, but she was sad, the way she used to be. They openly discussed the adoption and more details about her father, Robert, and Robin seemed intrigued about their love story. Her sadness was not stemming from that. Emma believed it must be because of Mike. He had not called that she was aware of. Sitting there for only a minute more, she decided to leave her to read the letter from him, praying, “Please, Lord, let it be something to bring her out of this season of sadness.”
Staring at his handwriting on the envelope, she read the name, Robin Jacobs, knowing she would have to tell him the truth about the divorce. She should have already, and for the life of her, could not figure out why she had yet to. He deserved to know. Opening the letter, she pulled out the paper and waited. It was difficult to unfold the page and read its contents. Before, she was so eager to read every word he wrote. This time, however, she dreaded it. It would be painful, and she was so weary of the pain.
My Sweet Robin,
I am sorry I was unable say more when we were together. Honestly, I could hardly trust myself to speak, and feared if I said anything at all, it would only make the moment more difficult for you. What you said, though it was expected, was still hard to hear. I have stated before, and I meant it with all my heart, I only want your happiness. I want you to find love, and I know that is not with me. You deserve a chance at a new life. As long as I am in the picture, that is unlikely to happen.
As for me, I have to make this declaration – no matter what any court says, you are my wife and the mother of my only son. The verse, “husband of but one wife,” continually rings in my head. I know that is what God is calling me to be, only yours. Not just now, but for life. No one but you. I remember a time years ago when I really messed things up. When you were kind enough to offer me that second chance, I made that commitment then, and it stands today. No one but you, ever. I will never be anything other than your husband. I will always pray for you, seeking your happiness above my own. I love you.
Always,
Mike
Wailing openly, Robin curled into a ball and rolled over onto the grass. She wept as hard as she ever had. The past years away from him she had existed in a walking, talking coma state. At least then there was less pain because she had, in a sense, died to her former life. Over the past months, though, allowing him to again be part of her life, her dormant heart had been resurrected. It was alive and in the deepest anguish since the day they buried their son.
Asking herself, was it for him? She was not so sure anymore. Having read his words, she knew he wanted her above all else, certainly more than his job. His dream of being a cop surely paled in comparison to the love he expressed for her. How could she not acknowledge that based on such a declaration? This was now a matter for God to work out within her. Ending things with him was based on fear, not what her heart felt for him. Deep inside her spirit, though she had stated categorically and irrevocably that she would never return to that town, a tiny little seed was growing. Already, she had a sense He would call her back there, and quite simply, she tried her very best to ignore the hint of it. As a child might stand before a parent with their fingers in her ears, warding off the instructions she did not desire to hear, she ignored her heavenly Father. For the past weeks, there was that still small voice that whispered, “…and two shall become one.” It was a whisper she rebelliously disregarded.
Trying to envision what a return there might look like sent her reeling. The mere thought of it caused her to cringe and become immediately queasy. When she was there before, daring to go into the bakery, all fears were confirmed. Not only was she not wanted there, but she was still despised. If she went back, she would be a prisoner in her home, too fearful to venture out. Such an existence was not what she wanted. If she searched her heart, she had to admit she wanted to be with Mike again, but she was absolutely certain she did not have what it would take to stand against the people of the town.
In the days to follow, Robin lived in complete and utter turmoil. Everything in her rebelled at the thought of going home, but it was the Spirit who churned and groaned. She could find no peace in the thought of remaining in New England, nor could she find relief in the prospect of returning to North Carolina. One afternoon, she sat quietly with the Lord. Sitting in her healing chair, she looked across at the empty chair. Aloud, she admitted, “It’s pride. Has been all along.” Since the early hours of the morning, she had been contending with pride. Admitting it was the hard part, but once she did, narrowing in on the many facets of it was fairly easy. Her truest fear in going back was that the truth was out; they, she and Mike, were not perfect after all.
Year after year, from the time they were in seventh grade, they were the perfect couple. Everyone said so. Somewhere along the way, she began to believe it, too. It was in protecting that lie that she refused to admit something was terribly wrong with him when he came home from Afghanistan. When he began to drink, and subsequently to hit her, it was in order to protect the lie that she never told anyone. She could have sought help for them both. Sadly, she had to admit, it crossed her mind on many occasions, but then the fear of what people would think stopped her dead in her tracks. The thought was so humiliating, it paralyzed her. Suffering at his hand was a lesser consequence than to make public their failings.
The Lord revealed to her that, though she was in the spotlight all those years because of him, she still felt invisible. And deep down, she knew that. She was somehow absorbed in Mike’s glory, a byproduct of his greatness. Being his girlfriend, then his wife, made her feel like somebody. It took all that happened between them to strip her away from him – in order to be torn down completely and be rebuilt. She had to discover who she was and Whose she was. The Lord made clear to her, she was somebody to Him. She – or they did not have to be perfect, and to strive for such would only lead to destruction. Had that not been well proven?
It was late Tuesday night and Robin was sitting in the parlor reading Chris’ Bible. She sat in the very spot where Mike sat at Christmas. It was where he kissed her, and smiling at the memory of it, she touched her fingertips
to her lips. “…and two shall become one,” echoed again in her mind.
“Lord, please don’t send me back there. I believe if I asked him, he would come here, or anywhere, just not there. Please?”
Her mind was distracted from her reading. Having scanned the same words over and over, she could hardly comprehend what she was reading, and while she tried, she was unable to move past them. Finally, beginning again, she allowed the words to drop into her heart as dew would settle onto early morning grass. The words she read, without question, were the very words of God, His assurance, His promise of protection.
“The fear of man bringeth a snare: but whoso putteth his trust in the LORD shall be safe.” Proverbs 29:25
Frozen, she sat there staring at the words. The Lord was calling her to go home. That explained the turmoil. The chaos in her heart and mind stemmed from her refusal to obey. Since before visiting her parents, she suspected the Lord’s leading, but ignored it, secretly hoping He would change His mind or somehow forget. That was why He felt so far away. She was running from Him again. Even the fact that she was hiding their relationship from her parents was an act of rebellion. Had she not been convicted for weeks about not telling them? It was she who had moved, not Him. A vivid flashback of what life felt like without God near was enough to bring tears to her eyes. She would not, no, she could not live life that way ever again. Pulling the fingers from the little girl’s ears, she said, “Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.”
Rushing to the small desk in the corner, she pulled out a sheet of paper and began what would be her journey home. Afterward, she ran up to her room, rummaged through her boxes until she came to the one she was looking for. Taking the small box from a larger one, she opened it and gazed at her wedding band. Having been tempted to throw it into the lake one day, something prevented her from going through with it. Unsure at the time what caused her hesitation, there was now no doubt. Grinning, she whispered, “You always knew, Sweet Lord.”
