“I’m okay I think. Do you have any aspirin and any underwear, maybe a sanitary towel.”
“Yes, ‘course, I’ve got a dressing gown for you and I’ve turned the electric blanket on. You need to get into bed. I put some soup on, it’s only tinned but it’ll make you feel better. Well, I think it might.”
The kindness reduced Sylvie to fresh tears and she let them flow, a salve to her soul as the water soothed and gentled her physical self…
Wrapped in a soft dressing gown and snuggled under the duvet she sipped at a mug of soup. Lennie had hardly spoken but held the bedding as Sylvie slipped underneath and then tucked a towel over the covers before handing her the soup. Now she came and gingerly perched on the edge of the bed.
“God, Sylvie what can I say. I am sorry, so very sorry. If I’d known what they would do, if I’d had any idea I wouldn’t have brought you back here. I would never.”
“Did you know? all the time in the park and the café, did you know who I was and how they wanted me?”
“Yes, well some stuff, what they told me. They brought me there, pointed you out. They told me you’d nicked some gear from ‘em. Sylvie, I know it’s no excuse but I owe ‘em. Big time, I owe ‘em and they said if I brought you back here they’d let me off some of it. I thought if you’d nicked some stuff, well you’d be ‘ard, able to look after yerself. Then when I got talking to ya and saw you weren’t like that I was in too deep, I couldn’t get out. They wuss watchin’ us all the time and they followed us back and God, I didn’t want to do it but I couldn’t get out of it.”
She buried her head now in her hands and sobbed, “I’m so, so sorry. I thought they’d just give you a bit of a beltin’ and we’ve all ‘ad them ‘aven’t we? I never thought they’d do – this, all this.”
“I wish you hadn’t done it, I’ll always wish that, but I think I understand. I know what it can be like. I was with some people before and I’ve seen what happens. I don’t blame you, really I don’t but I don’t know what to do next.”
She held out the folded note and watched in silence as Lennie read it and handed it back.
“Christ, they mean to kill him don’t they?”
“I suppose they think he shot the other bloke. There’s other stuff as well from before. He’s been running from them for years and he was doing okay until he got mixed up with me. I don’t know what to do now. I have to help him.
“How are you mixed up with them Lennie? Do you do drugs?”
“Me, no. Not any more, I did once but not now, I’m clean.”
“But you said you owe them.”
“Hmm, it was for Brian, my brother. He’s dead now but before he died I got him some stuff and I didn’t pay ‘em and…”
“I’m sorry, about your brother.”
Lennie nodded, “Yeah, well he couldn’t ‘elp ‘imself. He tried a few times, to get clean, went on the Methadone programme, all sorts of stuff but no, he didn’t make it in the end.”
The statement was bald, almost devoid of sentiment; this girl had been through much and survived, like Sylvie herself. A kindred spirit. As the thought began to take root it was followed by another and Sylvie felt the anger start to rise and with it a desire for vengeance.
For now though, the warmth, the relative safety and reaction to the trauma of the last hours overwhelmed her and she allowed herself to drift away. Lennie looked down at this poor creature, guilt and sadness swept her and then she felt the anger start to simmer.
Chapter 48
Here it was, the rest of her life. Sylvie knew she was changed forever. It wasn’t that innocence had been lost, God knew she’d been long past innocence but deep inside a dark place had been created. It was, she knew, a place of hate and for now she let it sit. She believed she had a right to hate; she also vowed to take revenge.
Lennie brought her tea and toast. The girl looked haunted, her eyes were teary and her face pale save where dark smudges witnessed the sleeplessness of the past night. She plumped pillows, tucked the covers and squeezed Sylvie’s hand.
“How is it?”
“Bloody sore, all over. I think the bleeding might have stopped though. I can hardly move. Shit.”
“Can I help?”
“No, no it’s okay just let me sit up.”
“Just stay where you are today, stay in bed. I ‘ave to go out later but you’ll be alright here. Least I think you will.”
Sylvie shook her head.
“I can’t, I have to get away from here. They know where I am, I’m scared stiff they’ll come back. I don’t know where I’m gonna go but I have to get away.
“Lennie, please don’t keep on blaming yourself. I know, I know you didn’t have a choice. You’ve been good to me and I don’t blame you.”
The short speech reduced the other woman to yet more tears but she smiled in spite of them and leaned in to hug Sylvie gently.
“Come on, let me take your plate. So, what are you gonna do?”
“I can’t go to the police. I can’t go back to the hospital or the hotel. I really need to know how Samuel is and I need to get some money.”
“Can you use the internet, transfer money from your account?”
“Yeah, if I can remember my password. It’s ages since I did it but yes.”
“Well, if you like you can transfer it to mine and I can get some out for you. I can only get a hundred pounds a day but I can get some today and some tomorrow, will that work?”
“That’d be great, it really would. I need some clothes.”
“Well, I have some stuff but it won’t really fit you, you’re welcome to anything but if you’d rather I can go and get some for you. I can get it on my card and then you can pay me back. Shit, I feel bad asking you to pay me back but…” She shrugged.
“No, no that’d be great. I need everything, would you mind?”
“I’ll go now. Tell me what you want, your size and stuff, and you have another bath if you like.”
They hugged again and Lennie dragged on her jacket. “My computer’s on, over there and you can log on, I piggy back on the bloke downstairs’ wifi he doesn’t mind.”…
The outside door slammed and Sylvie jerked from her half dream, scuttered in panic to the bathroom and fumbled with the door lock. She leaned against the wood breathing rapidly her heart pounding against her ribs. She knew she couldn’t stay here, would have no peace of mind in this place where she was vulnerable.
“Sylvie, Syl. It’s me Lennie. I’m on my own, it’s okay, are you in the bog?”
Lennie stood in the middle of the room her hands full of plastic bags, a concerned look on her face.
“I thought you’d gone.”
“Sorry Lennie, I’m just jumpy you know.”
“Course you are. Anyway look I got some stuff, I hope it’s okay for you. I got some money as well, did you manage to do the bank stuff?
“No, you didn’t leave me your account details.”
“What am I like? Right, here you look at the stuff, I can take any of it back if you don’t like it. I just went to the ordinary shops for most of it. It’s cheap stuff, M & S for the undies though. I don’t know what you usually do.”
“Oh it’ll be great. Just to have something of my own’ll be great.”
“Right, you get dressed, I’ll put the kettle on and make us a butty.”
“Sorry.”
“A butty, you know a sarni, I hope ham’s okay, I got cheese as well.”
“Oh, oh right. Yeah great. Then we’ll do the bank and then, will you do me a favour?”
“‘Course I will anything.”
“Will you ring the hospital for me? See if you can find anything out about Samuel”
“Yeah, but they probably won’t tell me anything. I had an idea though. My Aunty is a cleaner there, I could ask her to see if she can find out anything.”
“Will she be okay? It won’t put her in any danger or anything? The police are there at least I suppose they still are.”
; “It’s fine. Look let me ring her now, I think she’ll still be in work. You have a look at the clothes.”
Sylvie came out of the bathroom where she had taken the plastic bags. Jeans, top, socks and trainers, simple things but they made such a difference, she felt human again, almost normal. On the outside.
Lennie was busy in the kitchen alcove buttering rolls and slicing cheese. She turned as she heard the bathroom door closing.
“Oh, they’re great. Are you happy with it all?”
“Yeah they’re fine, thanks. You even thought to get me spare socks and knickers. How much do I owe you?”
“The receipts are there, I tried to keep it reasonable. You can just transfer some money into my account and then I’ll take out the difference in cash from the hole in the wall. Like I said I hate to ask you for money, I feel so guilty, but, well you know.”
“Yeah, I know and anyway I wouldn’t feel right not paying for the stuff. Did you ring your Aunty?”
“I did. She’s in work this affie, she’s going to try and find out what she can. It might not be much but, well, we’ll have to wait and see. She’s great she’ll do her best.
“Here ya go, sarnie’s ready, do you want tea or coffee?”
“Coffee’d be great thanks.”
And so they sat, like any two friends meeting for lunch. Two friends with so much drama between them that it made cheese sandwiches and coffee ludicrous but what choice did they have. At the end of the day the minutia of life soothes the spiky edges and calms the tormented waters.
Chapter 49
Lennie stood looking down at the slight form of her visitor. Curled under the duvet with her bruised face barely visible and her hair spread over the pillow she looked like a child. A child who had been to hell in the last days. She leaned forward and gently shook Sylvie awake.
“Hi, have you had a nice nap. How’re you feeling?”
“Yeah, shattered to be honest, God I’m sore all over again, I’m stiff and my face hurts.” Suddenly, out of the blue Sylvie began to shake; she buried her face in her hands, sobbing.
“Hey, hey what’s matter? Come on, come on you’re okay, I’m here.”
Lennie wrapped her skinny arms around the trembling form rocking and crooning, it was all she could do. Eventually, the crying abated and Sylvie looked up, her face was drawn with despair.
“I’m sorry, sorry. It’s just that every now and again it all comes back, whap and I’m back there. A great sweep of blackness, it’s so scary. I can’t believe it, why, why did this happen to me?”
There was no answer and Lennie made none, she simply sat cradling her new friend and fought internally with the guilt she knew she would carry for the rest of her life.
“I’ll make a drink. Are you okay now? How’s the pain in your stomach?”
“It’s horrible but I think it’s better than it was.
“Oh did you hear from your Aunty?”
“Hmm.”
Sylvie could see from the clouding of Lennie’s eyes that there was something wrong. Her stomach flipped, she couldn’t get the words out and so in the end simply stared at the other woman willing her to know there are some questions just too difficult to verbalise.”
“She rang me while you were asleep. She went up to the intensive care place. The police are still there ‘course. Anyway, she has a coupla mates working up there.”
Playing for time so obviously, but Sylvie went along with it steeling herself, wanting to know but fearing the worst.
“It’s not good. I’m sorry.”
As the tears began to fall Lennie came back to the bed and perched beside the hunched figure.
“He’s not dead though is he? Tell me now. He’s not dead?”
Lennie shook her head. “No he’s not dead. He’s not good though. He’s had two more cardiac arrests, he’s had to go back to the operating theatre and they don’t know what’s going to happen. They don’t know if he’ll waken up again.”
“What do you mean they don’t know?”
“Well, at first he was in a coma because they wanted him to be. Now though, he’s just in a coma and they don’t know if he’ll ever come round or…”
“Or what?” Her fingers were coiled now around Lennie’s skinny arm, the knuckles white. “Or what?”
“Well, he might just stay like that for a long, long time. Or.” She shrugged, trying to convey the rest of the information without having to speak.
“Or he might die?”
“Yes, they think he might die.
“ ‘Course this is only one of the nurses, the doctors wouldn’t tell a cleaner anything but this girl is a mate of my cousin”
Irrelevant information filling the great sad void and she knew it wasn’t working. Inside the flat now there were many moments of silence. The noise from the road, the shouts of children and revving of cars were a part of another world, where people weren’t fighting for their lives or struggling to come to terms with a hideous assault on their bodies and their souls. The other world, sanity and normality. How very far away it was from this scruffy little room and these two grieving women.
After a while Sylvie stirred, she stood up and slowly straightened, pain and resolve visible in her movements.
“Can she get me in?”
“In?”
“Yes, your aunty, can she get me in to the hospital?”
“I don’t know. I suppose. Well maybe. I could ask. But the police are still there, they have a bloke on a chair outside his room and the others keep coming to see how he’s doin’. You can’t go back, they’ll ‘ave you.”
“It doesn’t matter. I don’t care. I want to see him and that’s all. If he’s going to die I don’t care what happens to me and if he is going to, die you know, then I want to see him first. Ask her, will you ask her if she can get me in?”
“Yes, she isn’t back until tomorrow morning, it’d look funny if she went in now but I’ll ask her, if you’re sure. They might grab you though, and even if she gets you in to the department I don’t know how you’d get into his room. No, it’s daft, a daft idea.”
“Please, ask her. I won’t get her into trouble or anything I promise. As soon as she gets me into the hospital I’ll leave her, ask her.” Sylvie held out the mobile phone...
“Right that’s it. She’ll come in the morning, she’ll bring a spare uniform and get you in by the back door. She doesn’t know how you’ll get in though; she said the bizzies are all over the place.”
“It’s okay. I just want to try and if I don’t then so be it but if I don’t give it a go and he dies I’ll never forgive myself and anyway what the hell else is there for me to do?”
Lennie, heaved a great sigh. “Listen, I asked a mate if you could go there for tonight, ‘cos you were scared here. Actually though I think it’s okay, they’ll ‘ave gone now you know. They never hang around for long, they ‘ave a bloke at the hospital but he’s a muppet, I think he must be somebody’s brother and you shouldn’t have a problem with him, if you wear the uniform. Si and Mo though they’ll be gone for now ‘till they think Samuel is coming round or whatever.”
“Is that their names then, Si and Mo? I didn’t know.
“I’d rather stay with you to be honest. If you think I’m safe here. Actually I don’t much care anymore. All I want now is to see Samuel and then I just don’t give a shit.”
Chapter 50
Samuel was lost in the pain, it was deep and profound, it consumed him. Confusion and panic gripped him, he was choking, something clutched at his throat, he tried to scream, it was impossible he had no voice, was he drowning, he must be drowning surely. His arms and legs refused to move, tethered, he was tethered. Sudden bright light speared his eyes. His ears hummed and sang, the world was a violent place and so he fought it. Choking, bucking and writhing and grasping at the monsters holding him. Darkness wrapped him round…
The baby was beautiful; he always knew it would be. With a mother like Marie how could it have been any other
way? She was smiling at him now, glowing with pride and happiness. She was but a step away, holding out the child, now he would cradle his son, he reached for the tiny bundle. Marie stepped back. No, let me hold him, please, let me hold him, come here Marie, bring him to me. She stepped away again, her eyes glittered with emotion. She raised a hand, blew a kiss and then she left him again, and as before she took their child with her.
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