“What the hell are you doing here, Chrissy?”
“Wow. No one’s called me that in a long time.” Her lips tipped up in a tentative smile.
“Did you come all this way to talk about what people are calling you now?”
“I need to talk to you. May I come in?”
“Hell no. And there’s nothing we need to talk about.”
“There is, Ethan. We need to talk about our daughter.”
Was she out of her fucking mind? I knew this day would come. I fucking knew it. It didn’t matter that Chrissy had signed away her parental rights, that she’d refused to hold or even look at Carson, I knew the day would come when she’d have a change of heart and show up. In actuality I was shocked it had taken this long.
“You mean, my daughter. The child you signed away your rights to,” I reminded her.
“You don’t need to be so cruel.”
“Cruel? I’m not telling you anything you don’t know. You were there, remember?”
“I was sixteen.” Chrissy began to cry.
“So was I. Yet, I stepped up. I took responsibility for my child. I took her home by myself and learned how to be a parent, both her mom and dad. I stayed up nights with her. I’ve raised her. You chose to leave. It’s been eight years. You’re too late.”
“You had your family. My parents told me they’d disown me, I wouldn’t have had any help.”
“Bullshit. I asked you to marry me. I offered you a way to keep her. You knew damn well my parents would’ve never turned their backs on us. We could’ve made it work. But that’s not what you wanted.”
The tiniest part of me felt bad for her. I couldn’t imagine what she’d felt all these years, knowing she had a daughter she’d never know. That was one of the many reasons I couldn’t have given Carson up for adoption. I wouldn’t have been able to live knowing my daughter was out there somewhere.
“What do you want, Chrissy?”
“I want to see her.” She was still crying, as a matter of fact, she looked like she’d been crying before I’d even opened the door.
“Why?”
“I just want to see what she looks like.”
“And then what?”
“I’ll go back to California.”
The empathy I’d felt for her quickly dissipated. It wasn’t bad enough she’d left Carson once, now she was willing to do it again. Only this time it would have lasting implications.
“Are you fucking serious? Anywhere in your thought process did you think about Carson? What it would mean for her if she saw you?”
“Of course. I thought she’d like to know who her mom is.”
“Jesus H. Christ. Really? Never gonna happen, Chrissy, go home.”
“I came all this way, and you won’t let me see her? Why not?”
“The fact I have to explain this to you is the very reason I won’t let you see her.”
“Why are you being so unreasonable?”
I thought I was being perfectly reasonable. I was standing outside having a conversation rather than just slamming the door in her face like I should’ve.
“Do you have children?”
“No.”
“Right. I figured, because if you were a mother you wouldn’t be standing on my porch on a Sunday morning asking if you can just see her then leave and go on your merry way without a care or concern what it would do to her after you left. The questions she’d have, the abandonment she’d feel, the hurt. No, if you were a mother, you’d understand how incredibly selfish you’re being.”
“I have a right to see her.”
“No, you don’t. You signed that away. And, had you’d started this conversation differently, I would’ve at least entertained the idea of you meeting Carson. But she’s not an object you look at, ooh and ah over how pretty it is, and then set back on the shelf and leave it. Don’t come back here, Chrissy, you won’t like what happens next.”
“Please!”
“I’m serious, Chrissy. Leave. Go back to your life and don’t ever knock on my door again.”
“I can’t. I wonder about her. Is she okay? Is she happy? Does she miss me?”
I took a deep cleansing breath and looked at the woman in front of me. Christina was very different from the carefree Chrissy I’d been infatuated with. She was still a beautiful woman, but the brightness had dimmed. I didn’t know from what and I didn’t care enough to ask. There had been a time when I would’ve pulled her into my arms and comforted her. However, she’d killed any of those feeling when she shut me out after she told me she was pregnant. A little over eight-years ago I’d asked her to marry me and now I felt nothing for her.
I wondered if it would’ve gone differently if she’d knocked on my door before I’d met Honor. Would I have been more receptive to Chrissy showing up? Hell to the no, I would’ve been doing the same thing, telling her to pound the pavement and never darken my door again.
“She’s happy. She’s loved. She has a good life and a large, adoring family. She wants for nothing, emotionally or otherwise. That’s all you need to know.”
“If you change your mind, I’m staying a few days.”
“I won’t.”
“But—”
“No buts. I told you everything I’m going to.” Then I found myself repeating the last words I’d spoken to her in the delivery room. “Take care of yourself.”
I didn’t bother to wait for her response or for her to plead with me to see Carson. I walked back into the house and closed the door.
Not surprisingly, my dad was standing there waiting for me. His demeanor matching my own—furious.
“Did you hear?” I asked.
“Every word.”
“Did the girls?” I prayed my dad had shielded them from knowing who was at the door.
“No. Pancakes are on the table. We’ll talk after breakfast.”
I’d like to say that walking into the dining room and seeing Carson and Honor already at the table smiling and happy soothed my anger, but it didn’t. What had been a great source of joy for me had now changed into dread.
This was the beginning of the end. I could feel it, something was very wrong.
16
Lily was closely watching every move Ethan made. He’d barely eaten his breakfast and snapped at her when she’d asked if he was on nights this week, which earned him a warning growl from Lenox. Carson had chattered away throughout the meal but for the first time, Ethan wasn’t paying attention to her. She’d even had to call his name and repeat her questions.
That was unheard of; Ethan was present. Always. Whoever had been at the door had shaken him. I wondered if it was an ex-girlfriend. She was beautiful, maybe he was now having seconds thoughts about us. Logically I knew she couldn’t be an ex, he’d told me he hadn’t dated since Carson was born, but some women saw sex as a relationship. Then there was the possibility he’d lied. I didn’t know what the problem was, but the house felt stifling.
“He’ll be fine,” Lily whispered, rather unconvincingly.
“Who was at the door?” I asked, handing her the dish I’d washed so she could dry it and put it away.
She placed the plate in the cabinet before turning toward me, resting her hip against the counter. I should’ve known from the look that crossed her face it was going to be bad. However, I could never have guessed how bad.
“Chrissy.”
“What?” The glass I’d been washing slipped from my hand, landing in the sink with a clatter. “Chrissy Chrissy?” I whispered.
“Yes.”
This wasn’t happening. Chrissy was worse than any made up girlfriend I’d pictured in my mind. Chrissy showing up was the worst possible thing that could have happened. Did she want Carson?
“Where’s Carson?”
Before I could go in search of her, just to see with my own eyes she was in the house and fine, Lily stopped me.
“She’s out back with Lenox and Ethan.”
“Should they be outside? What if Chri
ssy tries to take her?”
“Chrissy may be a lot of things, what she isn’t is stupid enough to jump the fence and take on Ethan and his dad.”
I was being silly, but fear had wound around my heart and was threatening to stop it from beating.
“You’re right. I’m over reacting.”
“No, you’re reacting exactly how a mother who’s protecting her child would.”
“But I’m not her mom, Chrissy is.”
Lily sighed and grabbed my hand, abandoning the cleanup. She led me to the couch and pulled me down beside her.
“I think you know how much you mean to our family. So it won’t come as a shock to you that we are thrilled to have you in our lives—in Ethan and Carson’s lives. I want you to remember that when I tell you this story. Neither Ethan nor Lenox know this, it’s the only secret I’ve ever kept from my family.” Lily checked over her shoulder before she started. “After Ethan told us Chrissy was pregnant and she wanted to give the baby up for adoption, I went to the Krier’s house to talk to Chrissy and her mom. I told Chrissy if she wanted to keep the baby, Lenox and I would help them financially. Mrs. Krier had a fit. The woman was in hysterics, saying she wanted her daughter to go to college and a child would ruin her life. She was having no part of Chrissy and Ethan keeping the baby. She stormed out of the house leaving me alone with Chrissy, who was really the person I wanted to talk to anyway. They may’ve been sixteen, but the decision was theirs, not the Krier’s nor mine or Lenox’s.
“After Chrissy calmed down, I asked her what she wanted. I told her flat out we would welcome her into our home if she wanted the baby. She admitted adoption was her choice. She was very adamant she didn’t want to be a mom. She also confided in me, she didn’t want children when she grew up either. She wanted to be a doctor and was very passionate about medicine. She is one, by the way. She was awarded a full scholarship and completed her undergrad in three years. She finished medical school and went on to do her residency in a research hospital. I don’t know why she was here, but I don’t think it’s because she wants to take Carson.”
“Ethan?”
“No. With Ethan comes Carson. This may not paint Ethan in a very good light, but he didn’t love her. He thinks I don’t know this, but Chrissy told me he asked her to marry him. I wanted to smack my son but at the same time I was proud he was trying to do what he thought was right. They could’ve raised Carson as friends, he didn’t need to marry someone he didn’t love.”
“She said no,” I told her something she obviously knew.
“She did, because she didn’t want to be tied to him or the baby. Chrissy just wanted out.”
I glanced out the window and saw Ethan and Lenox headed for the back door.
“Thank you for talking to me,” I said, knowing our time was running out.
“Anytime, sweet girl, and we’ll talk about what Carson asked when this latest shit storm blows over.” I smiled at Lily’s choice of words. It sounded like something Lenox would say. “But I have to know, is that something you want? To be Carson’s mom.”
“Very much, yes.”
“That’s what I thought.” She patted my knee and stood. “Let me help you finish cleaning up before we head home.”
We were entering the kitchen when the back door opened, and Carson came running to me.
“Are we gonna go to the park and take more picture of the giant magnolias?” Carson asked.
“As soon as we’re done—”
“Not today, Squirt. Something came up at work, and you’re gonna go with Gran and Pop to their house.”
“But, Daddy. Honor was going to let me take pictures today. Can’t she watch me while you’re at work. I always go to Gran and Pops.”
“Not today. I’m sure Honor is busy later.” Ethan turned to me, and I was brought back to the day I’d met him in the park. The stare was the same, full protective mode and a whole lot pissed off.
“We’ll do it another day, darlin’, promise. But we have to follow daddy’s rules, and he said today he wants you to go to Gran’s house. We’ll take pictures another day.”
“Fine.” Carson stomped off to the stairs.
I bit my tongue until she was out of sight, then, uncaring Ethan’s parents were in the room, I let him have it.
“Don’t you ever do that shit to me again,” I seethed.
“What shit?” he shot back with the same irritation I’d given him.
“You know what you just did. I had plans with her today. You changed your mind about letting me take her to the park. Fine. You’re her dad. But don’t blame that on me and tell her I’m busy. I’m never too busy for her, and what you did was total bullshit.”
“Bad move, son.” Lenox added.
“It seems to me everyone has forgotten I’m her father.”
Shit on a shingle, that hurt. It hurt so badly and so deeply, I couldn’t stand to be in the same room with him.
“Don’t worry, Ethan, I’ll never forget that you are her father. Lily, thanks for your help cleaning up. Lenox, it was nice seeing you.”
I hightailed it to my room and gently shut the door as the first tear fell.
Screw him!
A little while later there was a knock on my door and I was debating whether to answer it when Ethan opened it.
Ass.
“I’m leaving. I don’t know what time I’ll be home, so don’t bother waiting for us to eat. My parents are taking Carson to dinner.”
Jerk.
“You have time to explain to me what’s crawled up your ass?”
I wanted to kick him in the balls when he looked at me as if I was annoying him by asking.
“Nothing’s crawled up my ass. I made a decision about where I wanted my daughter to go while I was at work and suddenly there’s a problem with it.”
“Seriously? The problem was you told your daughter I was too busy for her. How the hell do you think that makes her feel? Huh? Especially after what she asked about this morning.”
“So, that’s what this is about? I’ll be talking to Carson about that tonight.”
“And what are you going to tell her?”
“The truth. I’m her dad. And I’m not ready to entertain the idea of anyone being her mom.”
“Entertain? You’re unbelievable.”
“Listen, Honor, this is moving way too fast. We need to dial it back and slow down.”
The tears that had stopped were now welling up again. My whole life I’d sucked at hiding my emotions and anger was the worst.
“Why?”
“We just need to slow down. I’m not ready for this. Everything is moving too fast. I was wrong, I can’t do this.”
“This? You can’t do this? You mean you and me? You were worried about me leaving you and now you’re the one running.”
“I’m not doing anything but saying we need to slow down.”
“Why was Chrissy here?” I changed the subject.
“It’s not important.”
“I think it is. Everything was great until she showed up. No secrets remember?”
“That’s rich coming for you, don’t you think?”
Dick.
“Have a good shift, Ethan. Be safe.”
I laid back down and gave him my back, effectively ending the conversation. Nothing good was going to come from us talking anymore. He was . . . whatever he was, and I was hurt. If we moved forward one day, I may regret my next words no matter how good they’d feel to say at that moment.
“See you tomorrow.”
Ouch!
He closed my door, and I heard him leave.
I didn’t see Carson or Ethan that evening. Instead I went to bed alone in the house, devastated, and completely heart-broken.
17
“You’ve got a bad attitude tonight,” Lorenz told me.
We’d had a shit shift. One call after another had come in, and we’d skipped taking a dinner break when a disturbing the peace call came through. The guy was a jackass.
All he had to do was turn down the music. Instead he wanted to give attitude, which made me think of Honor, and that pissed me the fuck off. Over the last eight hours she was never far from my thoughts, and that pissed me off, too. I should’ve been thinking about Chrissy and what her surprise appearance meant for Carson. But, instead, I was more concerned with what I’d said to Honor and the look of anguish I’d caused. Fuck, I was an asshole. Even knowing I’d been a dick, I couldn’t bring myself to call her and apologize.
“Me? He kicked the fucking speaker at me.”
“Don’t you think you’re exaggerating a bit? He didn’t kick it at you, he kicked it, and it happened to land near you. You turned a desk appearance into an arrest.”
“Whatever. He kicked the fucking speaker. He should’ve turned it down when we asked.”
“Christ, what’s twisted your nipples tonight? Trouble in paradise?”
“Funny.”
“Nothing’s funny from where I’m standing. Something happen with Carson?”
Lorenz was a good friend, always looking out for Carson and me. He was a father, he’d understand.
“Carson asked if Honor was going to be her mom.”
“And? That’s got you jamming some poor guy up on resisting arrest when he didn’t turn his radio down fast enough? Not tracking, friend.”
“Then not even two-fucking-minutes later Chrissy Krier shows up at my house. Asking if she could see Carson. Just see her. Not be a part of her life. Not spend time with her. No visitation. She wanted to see her then bolt her ass back to wherever she lives.”
“You’re shitting me? Tell me you’re fucking shitting me.”
“Wish I were.”
“What’d you tell her?”
“Who Carson or Chrissy?”
“The bitch,” he replied.
“Told her to beat rocks and never come back.”
“You think she’ll listen?”
Lorenz had asked the million-dollar question. My deepest fear was Chrissy would come back and upend my daughter’s life.
“Got me.”
“What did Honor say?”
“About Chrissy?”
“Jesus. Yes, about Chrissy showing up.”
Chasing Honor (The Next Generation Book 2) Page 13
