“Handsome, I think you’re too hard on yourself. Of course you’d feel some sort of resentment. You were sixteen. Hell, I know plenty of people who have found themselves in your situation as adults and hate the other parent when they abandon their responsibility.”
“I let the hate and resentment for her rule my life and every decision I made. I keep screwing things up with you because I’m so fucking afraid you’ll leave me. In my mind, Chrissy was supposed to love Carson enough to want to stay. Even if she didn’t love me, she should’ve loved her daughter. I’ve spent the last eight years wondering what it was I did or didn’t do to make her leave her own child. It had to be me because Carson was perfect.”
“Really? It had to be all about you. Are you so egotistical that you made a woman’s decision about if she wanted to be a parent about you? What about her choice? Maybe it was about her and not you.”
“Turns out it was about her. I asked her after she told me about your surgery, why she didn’t stick around for Carson. She told me she never wanted to be a parent, still doesn’t. She’s happy living her life child-free.”
“So why did you shut me out when she came by your house?”
“Our house,” I corrected. “I’ve always been scared Chrissy would change her mind and come back and try and take Carson from me. That’s why I overreacted when we first met at the park. I saw you taking Carson’s picture and the first thing I thought was Chrissy had hired a PI to follow us and take pictures.”
“Me? A PI?” Honor smiled at the absurdity. “Looking at it from your point of view I can understand why you’d be worried. Hell, I’m worried Chrissy is even in the same state as Carson. I love her so much, I don’t know what I’d do if Chrissy tried to take her from you.”
“From us.”
God, I’d fucked up so badly. Why hadn’t I listened to everyone and talked to Honor about Chrissy the day she came by the house? Instead, I’d let something so stupid draw out and had hurt the woman I loved due to my inability to man up and tell her the truth about my feelings.
“So, you thought she’d try and take her?”
“No. Chrissy told me she didn’t want her. She wasn’t there to take Carson, but her presence threw me back to a time where I’d begged her to stay and raise Carson with me. Every time I pleaded, she’d refused. It didn’t matter what I said, she was leaving. Which brought me to you. If I couldn’t compel the mother of my child to stay with me, what would happen when you tried to leave me, and I couldn’t make you love me.”
“You can’t make me love you. Not in the way you’re talking about. And why would you want to? You’d never be happy with me if you had to make me stay? I don’t want to leave you, Ethan, but you have to trust me. You don’t need to try and do anything. I love you because of who you are, both as a man and as a father. This is never going to work if we can’t communicate.”
“You’re right. And I do trust you. I think I have to learn to trust myself and let go of the guilt I feel.”
It felt good to get the weight of my issues off my shoulders and let Honor in. I’ve been so used to bottling up my feelings and keeping everything to myself that it was strange, in a good way, to have someone to share them with. I’d never trusted anyone enough to talk about how much I resented Chrissy for being able to go forward with her life. I knew it didn’t mean I loved Carson any less, but I still worried how it would make me look.
“What do you have to feel guilty about?”
“That I’m not giving Carson—”
“Stop,” Honor cut me off. “You’re a damn good father. We’ve talked about this before. That little girl wants for nothing. She has so many people around her that love her and spoil her it’s not even funny. Hell, your big, badass dad is making a special stop to pick up ice cream for her. I know all she had to do was ask nicely and he caved, uncaring it was a school night. He’d give her the world if she asked. And, handsome, Carson has everything she needs in you. The rest? The extras? They’re just icing on an already delicious cake. You have a great job, a nice house, and you provide everything she needs. To hell with Chrissy. Her loss—not Carson’s.”
I loved how fierce Honor became when she spoke about Carson. Another regret, not falling to my knees and thanking my lucky stars this woman loved me and my daughter. Instead I’d behaved like a fucking coward and had run.
“I should also tell you, when Carson asked if you were going to be her mom, I was so fucking happy. I remembered what you’d said about me not having found the right woman before you. The woman I wanted as my wife and Carson’s mom. I’d already recognized who you were to me and who I wanted you to be in the future. But hearing Carson tell me she felt it too was . . . well, it was beyond words. And I ruined it by allowing my insecurities about Chrissy to override what I knew to be true.”
“Who am I to you, Ethan?”
“My everything. The woman I’m going to marry. The mother of my children. My teammate. My friend. You are my first thought each morning and last person I want to hold every night. I will prove to you I’m the man for you. I’ll stop at nothing until you know, deep in your soul, how much I love you and how sorry I am. I didn’t mean what I said to you in your room. I am ready. More than. I want us to be a family.”
“You said you needed time and we were going too fast.”
“Did you miss the part where I said I was an idiot, and a coward, and I was acting like a scared little boy, instead of a man who knew with great certainty he’d found his other half?”
Honor smiled, and, for the first time since Sunday, it was a real honest to God grin.
“I must’ve missed that part.”
“I’ll work on my communication skills. But next time I act like an asshole, please don’t run. I’m begging you to stay and fight for us. I’m man enough to admit I will fuck up in the future. But we have to be in this together. I trust you won’t abandon me and Carson if you can trust me when I tell you I am working on letting my past go.”
“I can do that.”
“Thank you.”
There’s a saying—once words are spoken they can be forgiven but not forgotten. It would be a while before the careless words I’d said to Honor would be forgiven. But they would be. If I worked every day, giving her nothing but love and happiness, the sting of my stupidity would fade.
She was giving me a chance. That’s all I needed.
25
“Are you sure about this?” Ethan asked, pacing the hospital room.
“Yes. We talked about it.”
It was day four of my hospital stay, and I was going home. All we were waiting for was the final discharge papers from Dr. Levine. I was under strict orders to go home and rest. No running or exercise for three weeks, until my lung was fully healed. The stitches on my forehead and abdomen would have to stay in another week, but I didn’t care. I was going home.
“We did. But it’s not too late to change your mind.”
“Ethan, she’s on her way. I need to do this. I think you need it to. What are you so worried about? And stop pacing, you’re gonna wear a hole in the floor.”
He finally stopped his patrol and sat down in the chair next to my bed; the one he’d been sleeping in every night. True to his word, he hadn’t left the hospital. Lily had brought Carson in every day, however, the fifteen-minute visits weren’t enough. I missed her, and I knew Carson was missing Ethan and her own bed. I’d pleaded with Ethan to go home and get Carson settled, but he’d refused. I leave when you leave is all he’d say. We’d talked well into the early morning hours last night and he’d opened up about his experience as a young dad. Once again, I was impressed by his love for Carson and his commitment to ensure she had a great childhood. Every story was about Carson, every move he’d made had been well thought out, keeping only Carson’s happiness in mind. He told me how he’d struggled with the decision to become a police officer and how he still felt guilt over choosing such a dangerous profession. He was too hard on himself. And boy was he still p
issed at Chrissy. He hid it well, I wouldn’t have guessed he’d harbored so much anger, but he did. Most of it was on Carson’s behalf. Ethan was worried Carson would grow up and feel cheated because she only had one parent. But the strange part was, Ethan never had made the effort to date. It was this weird cycle. Guilt, anger, resentment, fear. He had to break it.
I was hoping Chrissy’s visit today would be a start.
“I’m not worried about anything,” he answered. “Fine. I’m worried. I don’t know why, although, having her anywhere in Georgia worries me.”
“Everything will be fine,” I assured him. “There’s nothing she can say that will change my mind or how much I love you. I want to thank her for her help and ask for myself what her intentions are with Carson.” I held up my hand when he tried to interrupt. “I know what you’ve told me. But I need to hear it from her.”
“I love you, Honor.”
There was a knock on the door, halting my response. Ethan walked across the room and opened the door. When he turned toward me to allow Chrissy to enter, his brow pinched together, and his big, strong frame vibrated with uncertainly. I hated this for him. There was no reason for him to be nervous. There was nothing Chrissy could do to us.
“Thanks for seeing me.” Chrissy voice wobbled. She entered the room, and Ethan shut the door behind her.
I was thankful I’d been able to change out of the hospital gown and was in my regular clothes. Sure, I wasn’t looking my best, but at least I wasn’t still leashed to the bed by the chest tube. I needed to be on even ground with the woman who’d given birth to the little girl I’d come to love.
“Of course. Ethan said you wanted to talk to me before you left.”
This meeting was her idea. She obviously had something she wanted to say. It was up to her to start the conversation.
“I . . . um . . . wanted to make sure you were okay. And apologize for following you and Carson.”
I took her in, really studied her for the first time. She was an attractive woman, which wasn’t surprising. Carson was beautiful. I noted the similarities between the two and was surprised when I didn’t feel any jealousy—I felt sorry for Chrissy.
“About that. Why were you following me?”
“Do you mind?” Chrissy gestured to a chair near the window.
“Please, make yourself comfortable.”
I watched as Chrissy crossed the room on shaky legs and sat, clasping her hands in front her. She briefly glanced at Ethan before her attention swung back to me.
“I’m sure Ethan told you I asked him if I could see Carson. For good reason, he told me no. I wasn’t happy with his answer and, selfishly, still wanted to see her. As I told Ethan, I wasn’t going to approach you or try to take her or even talk to either of you. I just wanted to see her.”
“Why now?” I asked.
Chrissy flinched at my question and looked away.
“I wanted to see her just once before I go blind.” She spoke so softly I thought I’d misunderstood.
“Blind?” I questioned.
“I have retinal degeneration. I’m not telling you this to excuse my behavior or so either of you will pity me. But it’s the reason why, after all these years, I came back. My doctor told me I needed to do and see everything I wanted while I still could. The only thing I wanted to see before I lose my sight was Carson.”
“There’s no treatment?” Ethan asked.
“No. I’ve already tried gene therapy, but there was no improvement. I’ve made peace with it. Carson was the only regret I had. Never seeing her has haunted me. I’m sorry, I went against your wishes. It was selfish and underhanded. You have my word, I won’t bother your family again.”
Shit on a shingle. What did I do with the news of Chrissy’s illness? I couldn’t blame her for wanting to see Carson before she lost her eyesight.
“She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I asked Chrissy.
“She is. And smart. You’ve done a wonderful job with her, Ethan. I always knew you’d be a great dad. I can never thank you enough for keeping her and loving her. You’ve given her the family I never could have.”
“She has a good life,” I told her. “Ethan and his family love her very much. She has all of them wrapped around her finger. Lily has taught her how to bake. Lenox takes her fishing. Levi has taught her how to throw a football. Ethan has provided her with everything she needs. Carson wants for nothing.”
I don’t know why it felt necessary to reassure Chrissy that Carson was well cared for, but I knew she needed it. She may not have wanted to be a mother, but it was easy to see she did care for Carson. Perhaps it was because of her love for her daughter she was willing to give her up for adoption. If she knew she wasn’t in the position to be a mom, and never would be, giving her child to a family that could provide all the things she couldn’t would be the ultimate sacrifice. Chrissy was lucky Ethan had been ready and able to keep Carson.
“Thank you.” Chrissy swiped at tears as they rolled down her cheeks. “I needed to hear that. Even though I know I made the right decision, it doesn’t mean I don’t think about her. That I don’t love her.”
“How long do you have? You know . . . before . . .” Ethan awkwardly asked.
“Maybe a year. Two at most. Retinitis Pigmentosa is aggressive and most patients are legally blind by forty. I’m one of the lucky ones that will be blind before thirty.” Chrissy tried to laugh off her discomfort but failed miserably. “My night vision is all but gone. And within six to nine months my vision will no longer be correctable.”
“Lucky for me, you didn’t need your vision to save my life.” My attempt to lighten the conversation fell short, just as hers had.
“That’s true. I’ve put in hundreds of chest tubes. I don’t need my sight, I can do it by touch alone.” She smiled. “Though, I don’t think I saved your life. I’m fairly confident the paramedic would’ve been able to insert the cath if I hadn’t been there.”
“I don’t think that’s the case. The EMT was more concerned with putting in Honor’s IV, not her breathing and heart rate. You picked up on the signs, and, because of your quick assessment, she’s leaving the hospital four days later with a promising recovery. You did that.”
“How are you feeling?” Chrissy asked.
“Better. Still sore when I take a deep breath or laugh but I’ve been told it can take four to six weeks for the pain to subside.”
There was a knock and then the door opened, and Dr. Levine walked in.
“Dr. Krier, nice to see you. Stopping by to double check my diagnosis?” Dr. Levine chucked good naturedly.
“I wouldn’t think of it. I was only stopping by to say hello.”
Dr. Levine set the laptop he was carrying on the counter and pointed to the x-ray on the screen. He motioned for Chrissy to look at the black-and-white image, pointing out areas of interest. Their conversation faded into the background while I concentrated on Ethan. He looked conflicted. I could sympathize, I, too, felt the same way. I wanted him to find closure, however I was afraid the news of Chrissy’s disease was going to leave him feeling more guilt.
“Everything looks great, Honor. You’re healthy and active. I bet you’ll be closer to the four-week spectrum as long as you take it easy,” Chrissy said, not taking her eyes off the screen. I wondered how well she could see the image. How much longer did she have before she’d have to give up doing what she loved.
“She’s going home and getting into bed. I’ll make sure she doesn’t overdo it,” Ethan vowed.
I wanted to argue that I didn’t need help, but the ache in my chest told me I did. And I didn’t want any lasting damaged that would prevent me from living a full life.
“That’s good,” Dr. Levine said. “I left your discharge papers on the counter. The number to my call service is on there. Use it if you have any questions, and I’ll see you in my office to remove your stitches.”
“Thank you, Dr. Levine.” I smiled at him. I was so happy to leave I could bare
ly stand it.
“You’re very welcome. Oh, and wait for the nurse to come and get you.”
“Yes. VIP wheelchair service, she already told me.”
He picked up his laptop and headed for the door, turning back to smile at Chrissy. “Nice to see you again, Dr. Krier.”
“You too.”
What? Did I sense some mild flirtation and interest between the two doctors? Ethan’s smirk confirmed my suspicions. He sensed it too.
“What?” Chrissy asked when Dr. Levine closed the door.
“Nothing,” Ethan laughed.
“Come on. What’s funny?” she tried again.
“I think the good doctor was flirting with you,” I offered.
“I think you bumped your head harder than we originally thought. He was being nice.”
“Right,” Ethan laughed harder. “He wasn’t that nice to me, or Honor.”
Chrissy blushed and lowered her head.
“You think?” She smiled.
“Oh, yeah,” I answered.
“Huh. Too bad I live on the other side of the country. And besides, I’ve found that doctors are a pain in the ass. I don’t date them.”
Maybe it was weird the three of us were sitting in a hospital room discussing the type of man Ethan’s ex now dated, but it was strangely nice.
“When are you leaving?” Ethan asked.
“In a few hours.”
“Will you leave me your email address?” I blurted out.
Maybe I should’ve checked with Ethan before I’d asked, but there wasn’t time. Chrissy was getting ready to leave.
Chasing Honor (The Next Generation Book 2) Page 19
