His breath caught, then the kiss flared into terrible hunger as he gave a rough exclamation, pushing her back on the sands, his powerful body covering hers, his mouth moving with deep need on hers, tongues meeting and hot breathing mingling fiercely.
‘Oh, God, Chris…!’ he said hoarsely against her bruised, swollen lips, and she moaned in answering desire, her mouth open beneath his, kissing him back hungrily, desperately, gasping at the feel of his skin, his tongue, the taste and scent of him, so wonderful, like water to a woman dying of thirst as her fingers moved through his thick, glossy hair, touched his skin, his skin, his skin…
Drowning in sensation, dizzy with it, she knew she shouldn’t let this kiss continue because of all the terrible things he’d said, but how could she think, how could she even attempt to, when her body was flooding with overwhelming feelings, and she was at last allowed to express her pent-up love, desire and loneliness—with the man she loved.
Suddenly, his hand was stroking her breast and she arched towards him, saying yes, yes, yes… He gave a rough groan, fingers tugging down the silky bodice of her dress, exposing her to the warm Californian sea air, his hand gripping her bare breast. He thrust one hard thigh between hers, a strangled cry in his throat as he bent his head, breathing harshly, to close that hot mouth over her erect pink nipple.
‘Chris,’ he whispered, ‘let me make love to you…’
‘I can’t, Jared!’ She was shivering with love and desire. ‘But—oh, darling, when you call me Chris, it’s like being back there, in that flat, just the two of us, so much in love…’
‘Chris…!’ He raised his head, breathing hard, and there was sudden agony in his eyes as he said hoarsely, ‘What happened to us?’
CHAPTER FIVE
THEY stared at each other in the moonlit darkness, the only sounds those of their heartbeats, their unsteady breathing, and the sea washing slowly in and out on the sands. Suddenly, Christie realised they had turned some massive secret corner in their relationship, as though for these few precious moments on the beach they were being honest with each other, just as open and loving and trusting as they had been three and a half years ago. Hostility was suspended now that they had argued, fought, cried, and then begun to make love to each other. The physical contact had broken down the barriers, and even though she knew they could just as quickly rise up again to separate them, she was prepared to leap into these deep waters of love with him, and trust him not to let her drown.
‘You gave me that ultimatum, Jared,’ Christie said huskily. ‘You said to me, “If you go to Los Angeles… we’re finished.”’
‘And you replied, “All right, then—we’re finished!"’
‘Well, what else could I say?’ she demanded, blue eyes tilling with pain at the memory. ‘You made it clear with that ultimatum that you wanted to stand in the way of my dreams.’
His eyes darkened. ‘I thought one of your dreams was to marry me, Chris! That’s what you kept telling me back then, isn’t it? My God, you used to lie awake in my arms thinking up names for the children we were supposedly going to have!’
‘I didn’t just lie awake thinking of names of our children,’ she said huskily. ‘I told you I wanted to wait before we had them—remember?’
‘I thought you meant a few months, maybe a year—’
‘No, I was thinking more in terms of five years. Having children when I was thirty, and had made my career.’
‘So easy to say now, Chris! But you didn’t say it back then! You lied to me, let me think you loved me, let me believe you wanted the same things I wanted—and then left me!’ His voice shook with sudden fierce emotion. ‘And you wonder why I feel bitter about the way you treated me!’
‘Jared, I loved you!’ Her voice was husky, urgent, her hands suddenly gripping his broad shoulders, trying to dispel the bitterness in his eyes and bring back the love, the trust, the honesty. ‘I thought I’d found everything I ever wanted with a man. You know I was a virgin when we met. I’d never been as deeply involved with anyone as I became with you, right from the start. And I was twenty-five, Jared. It must have been blatantly obvious that I wanted to marry you, have your children.’
‘But here we are,’ he said thickly, ‘three years later, and you’re going to marry Simon Mordant—the man you left me for!’
‘I didn’t leave you for him! I left you for my dreams! I had other dreams apart from being your wife and having your children—why is that so difficult to accept?’
‘Because you’re still with Simon!’ he bit out harshly. ‘Why is that so difficult to accept? You knew I was jealous of him, even then!’
‘I only met him in March,’ she reminded him. ‘I only knew him for three months before I came out here to Hollywood.’
‘And for that time you were always with him! When I came home at night, his name was practically the first thing you mentioned! I knew I was losing you to Simon Mordant—long before you left!’
She nodded, eyes pained. ‘I know it must have seemed that way. But there was never anything between me and Simon. Please try to believe that, Jared. We weren’t lovers then—and we’re not lovers now, even if we are engaged to be—’
‘Oh, please!’ He gave a rough laugh, his mouth tight- ening as he looked down at her with angry dark eyes. ‘You don’t seriously expect me to believe that, do you? That you’ve been together for three years, a relationship that’s culminating in marriage, and you’ve never been to bed together? What kind of fool do you think I am!’
‘I know it seems unlikely, but then it was very unlikely for you to meet a twenty-five-year-old actress who was a virgin.’ Her blue eyes studied him with love, a smile curving her full mouth as she added huskily, ‘I re- member you said so at the time…’
He just stared at her, breathing hard, and she knew her words had at least got through to him, if not made him completely believe her. It occurred to her that she was asking a lot of him to believe that she and Simon weren’t lovers. But what else could she do? It was the truth, and she had vowed to tell him the truth in these precious moments alone, regardless of the outcome or whether or not he believed her. All that mattered to her was the deep intimacy they had suddenly rediscovered. It was the first real taste of love she had had since she left him.
‘All right,’ he said unsteadily after a moment. ‘I concede the unlikeliness of meeting a twenty-five-year- old virgin actress. But once I’d unleashed your sexu- ality, Chris, it blazed as high and fierce as mine. You took to making love like a dream come true. I can understand that you were happy to be celibate be- forehand. But after you’d tasted the forbidden apple?’ His mouth tightened. ‘No. You can’t possibly have lived the last three years without a lover. I simply don’t be- lieve it.’
Christie gave a deep sigh. ‘Well, what can I say, Jared…?’
‘Nothing.’ His voice was rough with emotion, dark eyes filled with pain, regret. ‘God knows why I’m even listening to you at all. I should have my head examined. Any woman who can lie here and tell me she’s not sex- ually involved with her own fiance’ must think I’m a fool.’ His hand touched her cheek as he whispered thickly, ‘Trouble is, I want so badly to believe you that I’m pre- pared to risk it. And maybe I also know that there’s a way to prove what you’re saying.’
Her eyes darted up to his, a look of enquiry in them. ‘How…?’
‘How do you think?’ His heart started to thud hard in his chest, his body pressing against hers now, the fierce thrust of his manhood suddenly burning against her thigh again. ‘Chris, if you’re lying, your body will betray you. And if you’re telling the truth…’ He bent his dark head, his hot mouth burning a trail against her shivering throat. ‘Oh, God, you’ll feel like a virgin to me again.’
She caught her breath with a rush of excitement as his hard mouth closed over hers. The kiss was intense, passionate, sweeping them both into immediate arousal as their mouths clung, their bodies moving in a rocking, abandoned rhythm, and all she could do was he b
ack accepting it blindly, her love for him combining with a sudden realisation that she had been denying her body its own fierce needs for too long.
His strong hands were fondling her breasts again, long fingers stroking the nipples, sending hot needles of fierce sexual desire through her as she moaned beneath that hot, demanding mouth and arched her body into his hands willingly. He bent his head. His face was flushed with excitement. His mouth closed over her breast, sucked hungrily at the nipple, and sent her into delirious excitement.
‘Has it really been three years for you, Chris?’ he asked hoarsely, still sucking at her nipple while one strong hand moved slowly to ruck her silk evening gown up to the thigh.
‘Yes, yes…!’ She was spiralling with desire, blind and dizzy now, the memories flooding back, unbending her body as though it had been locked up, covered in dust, forgotten and imprisoned for three years, its only function to be exercised ruthlessly then paraded on film in perfect clothes. But this was what it was built for.
His hands were stroking her rear now, his rough groans of excitement making her bold, gasping against his hot mouth, slowly sucking his tongue which always drove him wild in its direct symbolism, while her fingers began to shakingly undo the white evening shirt he wore.
‘Ah, Chris…!’ He was almost incoherent with desire. ‘You’re even sexier now than you were back then…success has made a siren out of you!’
Her hands pushed his shirt apart and she ran her fingers over his hard, hair-roughened chest, remem- bering it so well, the sheen of his tanned skin bringing back hot memories of his nude body, the hard-muscled power of it, and how uninhibited she had been with him then, never afraid to be naked with him, or to express herself in the most sexual sense.
He kissed her again, his mouth sensually provocative on hers, and she felt his strong hands slide slowly be- tween her legs, gently rubbing the hot nub of flesh through her silky briefs, then sliding inside, making her give a low, long moan of guttural excitement as his fingers stroked the hot slippery flesh itself.
‘Oh, darling…!’ he bit out hoarsely, barely able to breathe as he touched her. ‘Oh God, you’re so excited… let me make love to you, please, my darling, I think I’m going to explode at any minute…!’
‘We’ve let it go too far!’ she whispered with a fierce sob of frustration and despair, knowing it was im- possible to let this happen, to let it reach its passionate conclusion. ‘You know I can’t let you take me, not like this, not without real love, not while—’
‘You can’t stop me now, you mustn’t…’ he said shak- ingly, and his finger slid inside her, making her moan with acute excitement, her legs sliding further apart for him, making him cry out suddenly, his heart hammering like a drum gone mad as he took his hand from her, dragging air into his lungs, his hands going to the belt of his trousers. ‘Oh, Chris, Chris…it’s been so long!’
‘No!’ She came to her senses, staring in horror as he fumbled to undo his trousers. ‘Jared, don’t force me, don’t even think about it! I said no and I meant it!’
There was a long, fraught silence. He stared down at her with dazed eyes, his face flushed deep red and his breathing so ragged she thought he’d never catch his breath again. His heart was hammering violently at his chest.
‘Apart from the fact that we’ve only just met up again after three years,’ Christie said shakingly, ‘there’s also the fact that Simon is still my fiance! We may not be lovers, but I owe him fidelity and I could never live with myself if I betrayed him, out here, with you.’
‘You don’t feel you’ve betrayed him already?’ he asked thickly.
‘I…’ Hot colour burned her cheeks, and guilt ran through her like wildfire, but she was only human, she loved Jared, and what had happened had been an ac- cident, not a deliberate rendezvous.
‘Oh, but maybe you’re so used to betraying men, it doesn’t make any difference!’ he said in a voice that shook.
Stung, she whispered fiercely, ‘No, I don’t feel I’ve betrayed him. If I’ve betrayed anyone tonight it’s been myself. I should never have let this get so far—both emotionally and sexually.’
His eyes closed, and he said roughly, ‘Then why did you, Chris?’
‘How can you even ask that? You must have seen how swept away I was! Not just by your lovemaking, but by everything you said—even before you kissed me, I was almost yours for the taking.’
His body was still rigid with excitement; she could feel his manhood pulsing violently against her inner thigh. ‘But you’re not mine for the taking now,’ he observed, arching dark brows. ‘And don’t throw Simon bloody Mordant at me as an excuse. I know you’re engaged to him, and therefore the proprieties should be observed. But if what you say is true about your relationship with him—and I’m prepared at this moment to believe it is— then your refusal to make love with me now is nothing whatever to do with that part of your life.’
She flushed angrily, guilt increasing in her, because of course he was right, and she didn’t like knowing how easily her feelings for Jared could completely sweep Simon out of the way.
‘Is it?’
Her cheeks burnt hotter. ‘No!’ She lifted blazing eyes to his. ‘It’s to do with the past, Jared, and the fact that I don’t feel we’ve sorted our relationship out nearly enough to be able to make love.’
‘Ah…’ His lashes flickered as though he was sur- prised by what she said, but his hard mouth curved in a smile too, and she knew he had suspected what her answer would be. ‘So we still have a lot to thrash out between us before I can make love to you again?’
‘I’m still engaged to Simon!’ she said angrily. ‘And I haven’t said a word to you about agreeing to make love- serious conversation about the past or no!’
‘The faithful fiance!’ he drawled mockingly.
Rage leapt in her eyes. ‘Right, that does it!’ She tried to sit up, furious with herself for having trusted him at all.
‘Hey!’ He sat up too, holding her, his eyes intense. ‘I’m sorry! I was just making a jealous little snipe at you, that’s all. Don’t get all defensive again and storm away from me!’
Her eyes met his, and she suddenly put her hands on his broad shoulders, that white shirt open to reveal the power of his tanned and muscular chest, making her feel weak with love and longing. ‘ Jared, it’s just that I’m so scared of even beginning this conversation!’
‘You’re scared!’ He laughed thickly, his smile sardonic.
‘We have to be so brutally honest with each other. Look what happened last time, when we skirted around the truth and swept all our real desires under the carpet every time we sensed disapproval from the other…’
He watched her, his eyes dark, and his body tense.
‘That’s why it ended in that ultimatum,’ she said huskily. ‘Because we’d both been so busy trying to avoid little arguments that in the end a massive row was inevitable.’
He gave a harsh sigh, looking away. ‘You’re right. I guess it was because we were only together for six months. And most of that time I was so wrapped up at the studio. We just didn’t have time to be brutally honest. So we tried to keep the whole thing together as best we could.’
‘And hid what we really thought.’ she reminded him huskily. ‘I always told you I was ambitious. I talked often about my career, my dreams, my goals. But every time I saw the disapproval in your eyes I’d clam up, and start talking about marriage and children again.’
‘Oh, no…!’ He winced, putting a hand to his forehead, eyes closing. ‘No… I can’t bear to think that you didn’t mean a word of—’
‘Now, don’t go making the same mistakes again!’ she said fiercely, her hands gripping his shoulders. ‘I did mean it. All of it. Every last imagined little son with your eyes and hair.’
A flush touched his face as he smiled, and he darted a brief, shining look at her. ‘You wanted to call them all Jared the Second, the Third, the Fourth…’
She laughed softly, kissing him. �
�Yes, I did. I really did. But I didn’t just want that, Jared.’
‘You wanted your career, too,’ he said thickly, nodding. ‘I realised that gradually over the last three years. Bit of a horror story, really, for me. Having to stand back and watch you climb higher, higher, right up to the Oscars ceremony. I was afraid to think about what I’d done, how I’d tried to stand in your way, so I just hated you instead…somehow it was easier. I can’t think why I did it. It only hurt me. Twisted me up inside, made me even more cynical than I was when I met you. Fear, I suppose. It’s a brave man who can face the truth about himself.’
‘You were also afraid to truly love me,’ she said huskily. ‘You always wanted me to be the perfect woman, didn’t you, Jared? Some ideal of the 1950s, dusting the happy home in her pinny, devoting herself to children and husband, never a thought or dream or ambition of her own entering her pretty little head…’
‘That was my vision of family life,’ he said sharply, frowning at her. ‘OK, so it wasn’t realistic. But it was something of a survival mechanism for me in my childhood. Besides—how else was I supposed to see family life? All I had were the other lost boys and the House Mother. Apart from that, there were films—and all the films I liked best had happy families in them.’
Christie put her arms around him and kissed his strong neck. ‘Darling, I didn’t mean to sound as though I—’
‘No, of course not.’ His hands took her wrists, pulled her away from him, surveying her face with hard, angry eyes. ‘A pity you did.’
There was a brief silence.
‘And I’m sure,’ she said in a tight, hurt voice, ‘that you didn’t mean to make me feel guilty for not being able to fulfil that ideal role of womanhood for you.’
Rage leapt in his eyes. ‘I was not trying to make you feel guilty! I just didn’t like the way you talked about being a wife and mother. It isn’t a job to sneer at, Chris! You can’t just do it for eight or nine months the way you can a film role!
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