by K. A. Linde
She winced when she saw the drink in my hand but actually cracked a smile at the unicorn. I offered both to her. She snuggled up with Waffle as she downed her drink like a professional. I would know. I wouldn’t have minded a drink that size either. But not today.
I slipped into bed next to her, drawing her over to snuggle me. I didn’t care that it was the middle of the day. Reality was a train wreck at the moment.
“You know, Jules, with everything that happened today, I don’t want any more regrets in my life.”
“Mmhmm?”
“I know we might have started out in a fucked up way. That we’ve had our ups and downs. But all I could think when I found out about Mav was that…they didn’t get enough time. Not by a long shot. They were only married for a year and a half.”
“I know,” she said, sniffling again.
“Life is so uncertain. I don’t want us wasting our moment.”
“We’re not wasting our moment, Austin.”
I kissed her shoulder, feeling more secure with her pressed against me. What had happened to Sutton was unthinkable. I’d had a lot of loss in my life. More than the average person, but losing the love of her life…that was a loss I had no idea how she’d endure. I felt broken for my sister, yet my feelings for Julia had never been clearer.
Tragedy had sharpened my resolve. I was not going to let this woman go for anything. The scariest part was that Sutton had felt the same way, and look where that had gotten her.
Twenty-Two
Julia
The Wright family was dressed in black.
Black suits. Black dresses. Black heels.
A black hat with mesh to obscure Sutton’s swollen red eyes.
Black gloves that did nothing to obscure her shaking hands.
Normally, this would have suited me. Black was my favorite color. But today was a day of mourning. Black, a color of death. And the funeral for Maverick Wright was under way.
I still couldn’t believe it had all happened. Sutton had found a man she loved beyond words. Sure, it hadn’t been easy. She’d gotten pregnant too soon, had the wedding too soon. By societal standards, she and Maverick should have never worked in the first place. I’d been at the wedding. I’d heard what everyone had said.
But they’d defied those standards. They’d laughed in the face of everyone’s judgment. They’d lived and loved. Then, it had all been destroyed.
So quickly. Without warning.
Austin put his arm around my waist. “You okay?”
I shook my head. “How could anyone be okay?”
“I know.”
He squeezed me a little tighter. The week since Maverick had died on the Fourth of July was somber but, in some strange way, perfect for our relationship. I’d been completely out of it, but Austin had been there the entire time. It was as if he knew exactly what I was feeling and anticipated all my needs.
It felt a little wrong that things were so right with Austin and me when Sutton had lost so much.
The service itself was short. Sutton hadn’t wanted anything big. She’d insisted on a small affair with family and Maverick’s closest friends. We stood outside, around a closed casket, on a Wright plot in the local cemetery. It was a West Texas sunny day without a cloud in the sky. Heat beat down on our black attire and soaked up the tears on all the faces.
Jason was too young to really know what was going on, but he seemed as quiet and restrained as the rest of us. He kept reaching up and touching his mom’s face, as if to stop the tears. But she couldn’t contain them. She whispered something into Jason’s ear and hugged him against her.
“Sut, I’ll take him,” Morgan whispered.
Sutton nodded and handed her son to her sister. Morgan held Jason firm. Sutton stepped forward and set down a calla lily on top of the casket. She laid her palm flat against the casket, speaking to her husband one last time.
We all watched on helplessly as final prayers were said. Then, it was time to say good-bye.
No one was ready to leave Sutton alone here on this day. The past week had been hard enough. And there was still a wake to account for this afternoon.
Jensen finally approached her. “Sut.”
“Just go,” she said hoarsely.
“Sutton, come on. I’ll drive you home.”
“I said, go.”
Jensen nodded for everyone to go ahead on to the house. Morgan passed Jason into Jensen’s arms. They shared a look of sympathy, and then Morgan was herding everyone away.
I really wanted to say something to Sutton. But I knew that she needed to be here, alone, to mourn. Nothing I said could change what had happened anyway. Still, I had a profound need to be there for her during this.
Austin slipped his hand into mine. “Come on, Jules.”
I took one more fleeting look at the scene before my heart broke all over again. Sutton fell to her knees before the casket. Jensen held her son in his arms, so she didn’t have to be alone. Jensen was a better father to her than their own father. More of a father than a brother to all of them. It killed me to know that Sutton had lost both her parents and her husband before the age of twenty-three.
No one should have to endure that. It was even worse than my parents, and that was saying something.
I followed Austin from the cemetery and to his parked car, which looked ostentatious in the parking lot.
“I wasn’t looking forward to that,” Austin admitted.
“I’d imagine not.”
“The world sure isn’t fair to the Wrights, huh?” He shook his head and leaned his arms against the top of his car as he stared at me over the roof. “Sutton lost our mom when she was only one year old, just like Jason. She grew up without a mom, and he’s going to grow up without a dad. Then, our dad died when she was only eleven.”
“Awful.”
“I always thought she was the lucky one.”
“How?”
“She doesn’t really remember them. She didn’t have to have their shadows following her around. She’s shone brighter and loved easier and felt deeper.” He ran a hand back through his hair shakily. “And then this happens. How much can one person take?”
I had no answer to that. I was a testament to enduring a lot through life. I’d come out ahead, but I hadn’t seen the light through the tunnel. Not for a long time. And, still, I hadn’t gone through what Sutton was going through now.
“I’m really worried that she’s going to lose all that brightness and joy,” he said. “She doesn’t know how much she’s the glue to our family. The optimism to our pessimism. The idealism to our cynicism. I wouldn’t blame her if she did. She’s lost a piece of herself. But I hate it for her.”
“She’ll come back to herself,” I said. “You just have to be there for her when she needs you. And she’ll need you. All of you.”
“And you.”
“Me?”
“You were there when it happened.”
“I suppose I was.”
“You’ll always be ingrained in the memory of that day. She’ll need you, too.”
I smiled sadly and slunk into the passenger side. We drove across town to Jensen’s house. The wake was open to a lot more people than the funeral had been. The Wrights congregated in the kitchen, pretending to sort dishes for all the guests who had come to pay their respects.
No one spoke.
Landon and Heidi hovered over the desserts. She would glance down at the diamond ring on her finger every now and then. I could practically read the thoughts going on in her head. What would she do if the same thing happened to her?
Emery couldn’t seem to stand still without Jensen. She kept arranging and rearranging plates and silverware until her sister showed up to calm her down.
Morgan and Patrick were standing close together. Not close enough to touch. But close enough that they almost looked like a couple. They weren’t. But even they didn’t realize that this tragedy had pushed them together.
Austin and I were the last on
es to arrive. I picked at a plate of food and eventually gave up on eating anything. Food roiled in my stomach. Nothing helped.
Eventually, Sutton, Jensen, and Jason showed up. Everyone tittered around them like birds showering them with condolences and shared memories of Maverick. Sutton kept a strong face through all of it, but I could tell that she wanted to leave. She wanted it all to be over with.
“Let’s get some air,” Austin suggested.
I nodded absentmindedly and swiped a stray tear from my eye. We snuck out the back door to Jensen’s massive backyard. Austin tugged me over to a park bench under a shady tree.
“You looked like you were about to hyperventilate,” he said.
“Yeah. It was hard to breathe in there. I don’t know how Sutton’s doing it.”
“Jules, I’ve been thinking a lot lately.”
“About what?”
“Us,” he said, entwining our fingers. “I wasted two years without you all because of some idiotic reason. I shouldn’t have feared my feelings for you. This is what I want. You are what I want.”
I smiled and gently brought my lips up to his. “You are what I want, too. I appreciate you taking care of me during the last week.”
“I plan to do it for the rest of my life.”
My mouth dropped open. “That’s a bold statement.”
He laughed at himself and nodded. “It is. It really is.”
“You want to be with me for the rest of your life?”
“Yes. One day, I’m going to be the man you deserve. Then, I’m going to put a ring on your finger,” he said, sliding the pad of his finger down my left ring finger. “Going to give you my name and make you mine forever.”
My heart constricted at his words. Forever. I hadn’t been able to think about forever in so long. It was only during the last couple of years that I had thought about having a future at all. And, now, I was giving it over to this man. Someone who thought he didn’t deserve me in some way. It was almost laughable.
“You’re already the man I deserve.”
He laughed. “I assure you, I’m not. But I’m going to get there.”
I opened my mouth and then closed it. There was so much about me that Austin didn’t know. So much I wanted to confide in him. How could I accept that he wanted me forever without him knowing the truth? How could I want him forever without him knowing exactly what he was getting himself into? I was going to have to risk him hating me.
“What is it?” Austin asked.
It was as if he could actually see all the thoughts spinning through my head.
“Nothing,” I finally said.
Not now. Not here. Soon.
“You sure?”
No.
“Just overwhelmed.”
I needed to get my shit together if I wanted to make this work.
The door to the backyard flew open. Sutton rushed out, slammed the door behind her, and crushed her back against the brick wall. She covered her face with her hands, breathing heavily. I wasn’t sure if she was crying or just trying to figure out how to breathe again.
After a minute, she removed her hands and trudged over to us. “Hey,” she muttered. “Sorry about that.”
Austin shrugged and patted the seat next to him. “You don’t have to apologize to anyone.”
Sutton sat with a huff. “I know. I just…hate all of this. I hate every last thing about it. I should feel thankful that all these people want to help me, but I don’t. I feel nothing. I look around for Mav to make fun of the big event, and then I remember…he’s not here. He’s never going to be here again. And I don’t know how to live that life.”
“You don’t have to entertain anyone,” I told her. “If you don’t like any of this, then I’ll tell everyone to leave.”
“It’d be rude.”
“So?” I said with a shrug. “I don’t mind being the bad guy. You do not have to be available right now. You have to do what’s best for you and Jason. That’s it.”
“You’d do that for me?”
“Of course we would,” Austin said, backing me up.
“Would you do something else for me?”
“What’s that?” I asked.
Her eyes traveled down Austin’s half-sleeve and to the tattoos I revealed in my spaghetti-strap dress.
“Take me to get a tattoo?”
Twenty-Three
Austin
“You’re sure about this?” I asked Sutton for the tenth time since we’d shown up at the tattoo parlor the next day.
“More than sure.”
She was split between excitement and nerves at the thought of her first tattoo. I could still remember my first. I’d gotten it the day after I turned eighteen, and my dad had beaten my ass the next day. But I’d done it for my mom, and I didn’t care that I’d broken a rule while living under his roof.
“She’ll do great,” Julia said. “The first one is the hardest.”
I laughed and squeezed her hand.
“What?”
“I was just thinking the same thing.”
Sutton looked between the two of us through hollow eyes.
I quickly released Julia’s hand. “Sorry.”
“Don’t,” Sutton said, waving us away.
But I saw tears coming to her eyes again.
Fuck, I’m stupid. I hadn’t meant to flaunt my relationship in front of her.
“Let’s just do this,” Sutton said.
We walked inside and met with my tattoo artist, Nick. His boyfriend, Michael, was also there that day, lounging around and making fun of the absurd tattoos Nick had recently put on people’s bodies.
“Austin,” Nick said, clapping hands with me. “I was happy when you called, man. What are we doing for you?”
“Not for me,” I said. “This is my sister Sutton.”
“Virgin skin?” he asked.
“Yeah, this is my first,” Sutton said, relaxing at Nick’s easy demeanor.
“Great. You know what you want?”
She nodded. “Yeah.”
“And you?” Nick asked. He eyed Julia’s tattoos. “May I?”
She held her hand out, and he took it, looking at all the inked skin that I adored.
Nick whistled. “Please tell me, I get to add to this masterpiece.”
“I haven’t quite figured out what my next tattoo will be,” she told him.
“Whoever did the rest of your work really knew what they were doing. I’d love to play on your skin.”
Michael snorted down the row and kicked his feet up onto the counter. “Language, love.”
“Michael, appreciate her beautiful work, and then get back to me.”
“She’s not my type,” Michael shot back.
Nick thoughtfully patted Julia’s shoulder. “You’re not mine either, honey.”
I just shook my head, and even Sutton cracked a smile.
Julia gave him an amused look. “That’s probably for the best since I’m with Austin.”
“Oh, new honey. I love it.” Michael cooed from the front.
“Girlfriend,” Austin corrected.
Nick’s eyebrows rose. “How new and different. Now, let’s focus on the sister. You know what you’re in for?”
“They filled me in,” Sutton said. Then, she glanced at us both before adding, “A couple of times.”
Nick laughed and grabbed her hand. “I bet they did. They can’t help it. Now, let’s head back and get you prepped. Tell me everything about you. What are we doing today?”
Julia and I followed her into the back room where Nick worked on getting her ready for her tattoo.
“Nervous?” Julia asked.
“Yeah, but I can handle anything now.”
“What are you going to get?”
Sutton glanced down at her wrist. “A dandelion. It’s how Mav and I started. We’d known each other for a year before he worked up the nerve to ask me out. Said I was out of his league. Then, we were at a party. We were both a little tipsy. It was silly a
t the time, but he plucked a dandelion and wished on it for us. It’s been our thing since then.”
“It’s perfect,” Julia whispered, her voice choked, as if she could barely form the words.
“Yeah,” Sutton said. She reached out and took Julia’s hand. “Thanks for being here for me.”
“Of course,” Julia said.
“I’m happy for you and Austin, you know?”
I smiled and ruffled her hair. “Thanks, Sut.”
“I know that I’d never be able to do this with anyone else. Thank God Jensen isn’t prejudice and doesn’t care what someone looks like as long as they can do the work.”
“I would have been fired a long time ago,” I said.
Sutton rolled her eyes. “Yeah, right. For one, you can cover your tattoos with a button-up, but Julia has hers on display. She dyes her hair. She has a nose ring. Her skin is a palette of colors. She doesn’t hide who she is.”
Julia squirmed at the attention. I could tell again that something was wrong. Just like the day before at the wake. She had looked like she wanted to tell me something. I could feel her holding back. A part of herself that I couldn’t seem to reach. I had fallen hard for this girl, and my whole family loved her. I needed to find a way to get that through to her. I didn’t want her to feel like she had to hide.
Nick returned then and started his work. Julia and I alternated with holding Sutton’s hand as she got her first tattoo. By the time she was done, she was shaking. But she looked happy despite the pain she’d endured.
“It wasn’t so bad,” she said as we left sometime later.
Julia and I snickered.
“We’re going to get you addicted,” Julia said.
Sutton nodded vigorously. “I feel like I already am.”
I knew this wouldn’t make it up to her. Nothing ever could. But at least we’d found something to cheer her up even if it was momentary. It gave me hope that she’d pull through in the long haul. Not yet. Not anytime soon. But maybe eventually.
Life went on.
Going back to work on Monday morning felt…crazy. Like we had all been swimming through rough waters and were now expected to sit in the kiddie pool. No fires to put out. Just regular work. How could everything go back to normal, as if Maverick had never died?
