by Paloma Meir
Her wardrobe took on fashion themes. She recorded and made notes on them in a spreadsheet. She would show it to me sometimes. I would encourage her because I liked the end results. I had grown to like just looking at her.
She went through a yearlong exploration of the Victorian era which was my favorite. The billowing white cotton flowing around her made her look like a fairytale princess. At the time of her birthday, she wore what she considered a 70’s groupie look. I didn’t get it, seeing only a lot short black dresses and thigh high boots. She showed me pictures that she had printed out of the era to better explain it to me.
I would nod my head as if I understood her frivolous pursuits. I assumed she would end up working for her father when she finished college or do something else in fashion. I would be right about that to a certain extent. So her narcissistic pursuits weren’t as valueless to me as they would have been if I had seen someone else doing those things.
I never cut loose my advanced class friends the way I planned to during my most perfect summer with Danny and Brendan. I couldn’t even imagine thinking such a mercenary thought at this point in my life. I didn’t spend much time with them because we were all busy but we were solid.
My free time, what little there was of it was spent with Celena. She had moved to Los Angeles with her family from Seattle at the beginning of our sophomore year. She told me it was because her parents thought she needed to live in the sunshine. If I weren’t so gone on her at first sight I would have heard that as the warning it was.
She showed up the first day of the physics club of which of course I was president. She was willowy and tall the way Zelda was but with a dark hair cut into a pixie cut and wide set golden brown eyes. I handed her papers with the meeting times and a syllabus of what we would be doing. I could barely speak which was unusual for me. I asked for her phone number telling her it was for the roster. I knew it would be easier to text her until I got over whatever spell she had cast on me.
My first text was to confirm she received all the papers which was ridiculous because I had clearly handed them to her. That’s how nervous I was. I decided to text her daily physics jokes like, a neutron walked into a bar and asked how much for a drink and the bartender replied for you, no charge. The jokes weren’t funny, but they did their job. She would text me back with her own more general jokes.
I found out she lived on the cul de sac at the end of our canyon, convenient because none of us had cars yet. I would run the mile up the road wearing my rock filled backpack on the weekends hoping to see her. She never came outside.
After about a month of texting and running by her house but never really speaking to her, I texted her from outside saying I wanted to come inside. She told me the front door was open, and she was in her room upstairs.
Her home was immaculate. I say that because her bedroom was the opposite. It was a mess like I had never seen before. Musical instruments, drawing pads and loose papers everywhere. Her bed was unmade and there were plates of half eaten food everywhere. Still I sat down beside her on the bed.
“Do you need some help cleaning up your room?" I joked to her.
“I need chaos to understand chaos.”
“Are you a butterfly Celena?” I asked referring to the butterfly effect, a perfect example of the chaos theory. I chose to ignore all the signals of something not being right with her.
“I didn’t mean it in a scientific way. Is that all you talk about?” she finally smiled.
“No,” I was unable to think of anything else to say.
“Okay. Why are you here, Serge?”
“I don’t know,” I stood up, embarrassed.
“Stay,” she pulled me back beside her.
I didn't know what else to do, so I kissed her. She didn’t speak only kissing me back. I pulled away from her, took off her top and bra and touched her, looking at her body and still no words. I took my clothes off without the nervousness I had felt before when talking to her. She slipped her skirt and underwear off. We lay down on her crumb filled bed as I kissed her body. I was gone.
“I want to be with you, Celena.”
“I want that too.” Her eyes were wide as she looked into mine.
I slipped into her feeling more emotion than sensation. I moved slowly in and out of her watching her face. She was beautiful. Her face relaxed, and then a wince of pain. I slowed down. She lifted her hips upward to take me deeper inside of her. I thought I would die as I came inside of her. I lay on top of her finished but not wanting to be away from her.
“I love you, Celena.”
“I like that you say my name all the time.”
“Celena, Celena, Celena...”
I rolled away from her and saw blood on my groin. It had been the first time for both of us.
“I have to go home now. I’ll be back later, okay? We can go out somewhere or anything you want.” I got dressed and put my backpack back on.
“We can just stay in.”
“You’ll have to clean the “chaos” of your room. I have bread crumbs on my back.” I finally felt comfortable enough to talk to her. I kissed her lightly on the lips and ran out of her room and out on to the street.
I realized we hadn’t used condoms. I worried for a moment but knew it was too late to do anything about that. I continued my run down through the canyon to the liquor store on the corner and bought the largest box. We were lucky that nothing bad happened with our first time of irresponsibility. We never made that mistake again.
...
By Zelda’s birthday, Celena had broken up with me four times. The first time for a rational reason. She felt overwhelmed and needed a break. I understood and waited the weeks for her to feel comfortable. The second time because she had dreamt I kicked her dog. She didn’t have a dog. The third time because she thought my friends hated her, which wasn’t so far off from the truth. I couldn’t even remember our last break up, it may very well have been because her orange juice that morning had been too sweet.
She showed up tearful on my doorstep the day before my sixteenth birthday with a present of a guitar saying she loved me. It was her sanity I had doubts about not her love for me. We sat down outside. I had told her about my family, my mother specifically but didn’t want her to see the drinking, the dysfunction.
“I’m sorry, Serge. I’m going to be all right now. My doctor gave me pills, and I’m taking them this time.”
“That will be good for you, but I can’t do this anymore. I can be your friend.” I held her hand.
“I won’t scream at you anymore or follow you around school. I won’t call your friends.”
During one of the breaks, she had gotten into the habit of sneaking up on me and yelling I had ruined her life in front of my friends. She would call Cara late at night and ask where I was. Cara would tell her that I was probably asleep at home. Celena would call her a liar and hang up.
“That’s good Celena because I don't like that.” I tried to make her laugh. It worked.
“Please Serge. I miss you so much.”
“Then why do you break up with me all the time? I could help you if you would talk to me. Instead you accuse me of stealing your phone or purposely giving you a cold or the hundred other things you think I’ve done to you.”
“It will be different now. I’m taking the pills.”
Horrible as it may sound, I didn’t want to be in love with someone who needed to take pills to live a sane life.
“We’re going to have to do this my way this time, okay?” I kissed the top of her head, “Let’s try to be friends for a while. I’ll come over Friday after Danny’s party, and you can give me a guitar lesson. Is that good for you?”
“I could teach you now. We could go back to my house.”
“I want to get a head start on my classes before Lacrosse starts up again.”
That wasn’t entirely true. I wanted to see if she could keep it together for at least three days.
“Okay.” She stood up, “but I want
you to notice that I’m walking back home without yelling at you.”
“I appreciate that, Celena.” I stood up next to her and ran my fingers through her short hair. “I’ll see you Friday.” I went back inside as she walked away without having a fit. Excellent work, Celena.
Friday came with relative sanity from Celena via text message. She sent me sweet messages about how she was cleaning her room and hadn’t an argument with anyone in days. She had done this before and could go a good three weeks being her vibrant curious self without problems. But after a year of her upheavals, I knew better than to set my expectations too high.
…
I put my phone away as I looked up at the dinner table. Carolina and my mother were in another heated argument about William Shakespeare. I had talked to Carolina hundreds of times about letting it go. She was incapable of doing that.
My father sat across from me staring off in to the distance, I am sure he was wondering about how this came to be his life. I wanted to tell him that it was because of his own passivity, but I didn’t.
Bored with everyone else in our set roles of dysfunction, I looked to our guest Zelda who sat with her large eyes trying to keep up with a discussion that meant nothing in any way to anyone. She wore a tightly belted black spy coat and sat with her legs crossed. I could see she was wearing it as a dress based on the amount of thigh showing. She always had a sexiness that was comical because she had never had a boyfriend or interest in anyone.
My mother turned to Zelda mid-exchange with my sister and asked her a meaningless question about Shakespeare’s identity. She recited a sonnet which wasn’t an answer. She had started doing that the year before, having made note of the authors my sister and mother argued about. She memorized passages and quotes. Her recitations were bizarre and never held any answers to the questions posed of her.
“I’m glad you came prepared,” I whispered in her ear as I stood up to take her hand to walk her home.
“Happy Birthday, Zelda.” my mother held up a glass of vodka to her. “Here’s hoping that this year gives you a stronger life of the mind.” Nice one Mom.
“Thank you for dinner. It was delicious.” She said in the small voice that would overcome her at my family dinners.
“One minute, Zelda.” I ran up the stairs to get her birthday present. I had found a pile of new old stock romance books from the fifties.
“Thank you, Serge. I love them. Where do you find these books?"
“Around town, thrift shops mostly. Happy Birthday Zelda.”
She linked her arm through mine as we walked down the hill.
“Who’s the smartest person you know?” I asked her.
“That would be you, Serge.” She leaned her head on my shoulder for a moment.
“You’re right, Zelda. I am the smartest person you know.” I stopped walking and faced her. I had an urge to kiss her. That would happen sometimes. I always ignored it. It was hardly her fault that she was so cute. “That’s why you’re not going to listen to anyone else, not even my mother. I’m the only who can tell you if you’re being silly, okay? I tell this to Carolina all the time but she doesn’t listen. You hear me right?”
She laughed. I loved that she always laughed, but I wanted her to hear what I was saying.
“Yes, you’re the only one I’ll listen too about my... inequities.”
“Excellent word choice Zelda. You read what ever you want. All the pulp and romance you love, okay? You don’t have to memorize passages from books. You can’t win with her.” I said in a more serious way.
“I like real books too. Madame Bovary, Jane Eyre...I have a 4.0 GPA.” We started walking again.
“I know. What’s your plan for the night birthday girl?”
“I don’t know if I can tell you.”
“Didn’t we just go over this?”
“Okay. I don’t want to get Carolina and myself in trouble though. Carolina wants to go to a party down the road. I think it’s about a boy who’s always playing ball games down the street, but who cares about that. Then we’re going to The Whiskey.” She jumped up and down.
“The boy who plays ball games in the streets?” I laughed for obvious reasons. “His name is Danny.”
“Yes, that’s his name. We’re going to dance all night in a real nightclub.” She jumped up and down again.
“I’ll see you at the party. Take a cab home from the Whiskey. I don’t want you and my sister walking home late at night.” I gave her a kiss on the cheek and went back to my house.
…
I thought of Danny’s obsession with Zelda as I walked down to the party a few hours later. He hadn’t muttered or moped over her since that summer when we first became friends, but Carolina had told me he had asked her a couple of times if she had a boyfriend.
Zelda wasn’t around much with her going to a different school and her two other friends living in a different part of town. She didn’t walk up and down the street the way she had when she was younger. The few times she did walk by, Danny would shout out hello and stop to watch her but that was it. She would raise her arm and wave never looking his way.
She was still shy in most ways but not as awkward or remote as she appeared on her walks past the groups of her former schoolmates. She never talked about it with me, or even Carolina but it was obvious to me she wanted nothing to do with these people. She wouldn’t even see me when I was standing with him.
What I didn’t understand was why Carolina was taking her to this party, or why she even knew about it. She had left for Zelda’s house before I could ask her. It would be interesting to see how it all played out. I was sure Zelda would stare off or ignore him if he somehow got it together to speak to her.
Danny liked the wilder girls anyway, like Isabella who had been seeing on and off for the previous few months. She was a punky girl we met at a party in the Valley who went to Zelda’s school but wasn’t friends with her. Isabella was fun, playing ballgames in the street with us, with a loud personality but smart too. She wasn’t “hot” like the girls he normally went out with but the fact he could appreciate her made me like him more.
I just wanted the party to be over so I could get to Celena.
I walked past the security set up to look after the party. Danny’s home was huge and more like a hotel. His parents had gone big with their plans. It was a white elephant in a neighborhood of designated landmark homes. The house wasn’t what I would have wanted in a home and didn’t make much sense with Danny’s older brother already off at college, but I liked it anyway.
The movie theater sized living room was filled up with our friends. I saw Danny walking around nervously greeting people but didn’t speak to him. I went to the oversized sofa and stood next to Brendan and Cara. I didn’t want to sit down and commit to being at the party.
“Hey, Serge,” Brendan yelled out and offered me a high five. “We’re going to drive up to Malibu for a midnight swim after the party. Do you want to come with us?”
“Hi Serge,” Cara looked up at me with a big smile.
“Is that Zelda?” Brendan asked.
I turned around to see Zelda walk through the living room with her friends and my sister.
“Which one is she? They’re so beautiful. I want to hang out with them.” Cara sat up on the edge of the sofa to watch the girls walk by.
“The one in the boots. Look at Danny chasing her into the kitchen. This party’s is going to be epic.” He sat up next to her.
“He’s never said anything to her before. He’ll freeze.” I shrugged actually believing my words to be true.
“Are you going to come down to the beach with us?” Cara asked again.
“Thanks but no. I’m heading up to Celena’s soon.”
“Not again. Give it up,” Brendan said with a force that surprised me.
“That’s not good for you... and her phone calls... I don’t get any sleep,” Cara added.
“We’re just friends. She’s teaching me how to play the guit
ar. That’s it. Don’t worry, she won’t call you anymore.”
“Is that what you’re calling it? Playing the guitar? She’s a nightmare, and I don’t want her bothering Cara anymore,” Brendan was angry. Who could blame him?
“I get it Brendan. Don’t worry about it.” I hated there wasn’t a way to defend Celena’s behavior.
“Turn around. Danny is holding her hand.” Brendan jumped up from his seat and stood beside me. “This is going to be epic.”
I looked over to see Danny holding both of Zelda’s hands and looking into her eyes. She wasn’t shaking him away. This confused me. I took a step towards them. Brendan grabbed my arm and held me back.
