by Paloma Meir
“Yes, it’s a lot to explain... It’s time... Why does it only move forward? Why can’t we remember the future? It has a start point, but what of before? Look up at the stars. The light you see could be twenty million years old, and the star could be dead... Infinite time, that’s what I think about.”
“Words of so sweet breath composed... Let’s go inside Serge, I think the enchiladas are ready.”
“Okay, Ophelia,” I found myself wondering why literature featuring men needing to be in the graves of the women they loved was so appealing to Zelda and my sister. “You two don’t play those games anymore do you?”
“No,” she replied with a little embarrassment as we walked back into her house and took the enchiladas out of her oven. “You never played them with us anyway.”
“No I didn’t,” I didn’t understand what we were saying to each other. I took the conversation back to physics for one last attempt. “Back to time... Imagine we were twins born in Nepal, and that you were taken away at our birth and raised on the peak of Everest...”
“We are like twins,” she said as we sat down at her kitchen table. I ignored her because clearly we weren’t like twins.
“Twenty years later, you would escape back down the mountain...”
“I don’t think people can live up that high Serge.” I knew I wasn’t communicating well if she were the voice of reason.
“You’re absolutely correct, all right... at birth I’m put on a space ship and sent out at the speed of light for five years,” I paused expecting another comment. She didn’t say anything, only continued to eat the enchilada and stare at me. “Landing back on Earth, I would be five, and you would be about ninety-nine years old. Do you understand?”
“The speed slows things down,” she said, as if it weren’t important, “But don’t you think we look alike?”
“No.” I gave up on my talk of time and laughed at her thinking we looked alike in any way. “You’re lithe and light and pretty, I’m a dark, lean muscled manly man.”
“Pretty?” She asked as if I had insulted her. Her vanity could be overbearing sometimes, but I let it go. “Stand up, Serge.” She pulled me up next to her. “See we’re the same height. Our bodies are the same, and our eyes are the same color.” She moved her face forward and opened her eyes very wide as if I were an ophthalmologist needing to give her an exam.
The thought of comparing our bodies to disprove her point wasn’t something I was going to do no matter how wrong she was about it. Describing the differences would have been borderline obscene. I thought not for the first time how much easier my life would have been if she were plain.
“We are the same height but our bodies are different,” I purposely looked only at her face while I said that. “Approximately 85% of humans have brown eyes.” I didn’t say no one else had such wide expressive eyes as her because that wasn’t the point. “Not very twin like Zelda.”
“There are so many shades of brown. Ours are the same like dark chocolate.” She sat down and took the beeping phone out of her pocket. It was odd to me because technology was not a big part of her life. Her school banned all social media at home and texting on campus. She never picked up the habit almost everyone else I knew lived by. “I guess you’re only a brother, not a twin.”
She pulled her knees up to her chest and tilted her head onto her shoulder. Her face broke out into a big smile. She giggled covering her mouth with her hand as she read whatever Danny had written her. She could not have been more adorable as she finished typing back to him, put the phone on the table, and looked back to me with the smile leftover from their communications.
“Are you in looove Zelda?” I knew the answer would be yes, but the way in which she said it surprised me.
“Yes.” She moved her head back down, and the smile disappeared from her face “It’s hard though. I can’t say it. It’s hard for me to talk to him. I don’t understand why.” Her voice was small as if it were difficult for her to say to me too.
“It will get easier,” I said though I knew no such thing. I was shocked she opened up to me that way, not that she was ever shy with me. It was more that she never had private feelings before. I found myself wondering why I had always kept my life secret from her and Carolina. “I’m going to head home now. Thanks for the enchiladas.”
“You could stay. We could watch a movie. I haven’t seen you in so long.” She collected our plates to take to the dishwasher.
“I see you all the time Zelda,” I laughed. It was true, I did see her all the time, but that wasn’t what she meant and I knew it. She was at every game, and I would see her and Danny come in and out of her house when I tutored Anthony. The time I used to spend with her and Carolina, however, hadn’t existed since her birthday weekend. “Bye Zelda,” I yelled out as I walked out the front door without a hug, a kiss on the cheek ,or even a whisper in her ear. I didn’t even turn around to take one last look at the loveliness of the most perfect Zelda. I felt pretty good about that too, as if our relationship had taken on a maturity with my acceptance of her, as she was, not as I chose to see her.
If I could go back I would tell her she was my twin, and that what she saw, I saw. I would play Hamlet to her Ophelia, Tristan to her Isolde if that’s what she wanted. I would hold her hand and kiss her cheek, sit on her sofa and watch any film she chose. Fall asleep with her sitting next to me, put blankets on her and care for her as she always did for me. I would tell her that she was beautiful, not pretty. I would tell her she was the most perfect Zelda and would always be flawless in every way. I would have listened to her talk about her shyness instead of giving meaningless words of reassurance.
But that’s not what happened. I walked home feeling lighter from having spent time with her. In those few hours with her I hadn’t thought of my family or Celena. I felt free for the first in time in weeks, maybe months. I may have whistled as I walked up the canyon to my home.
I went up the stairs without even a glance to my passed out mother, and not a thought to carrying her up the stairs to her room. I didn’t check on Carolina. I didn’t ruminate over Celena’s condition. I went to my room for a good night’s sleep, and that’s what I had.
Chapter Four
Here is where I will ignore the only one I could have helped in any way. Zelda would be hurt a few days after our little physics talk. She would still be the radiant perfect being she had always been before, but a thread of fear would run through her well after she broke down in the sad and self-hating way she did.
I would be playing Lacrosse up at school with Danny, Brendan and the rest of our team. I hadn’t been with them outside of practice and games for months. Danny called that morning to put together a quick game. I jumped at the invitation thinking the damaged people in my life could take care of themselves for the day.
I didn’t remember much about the game and neither did Danny by the time we found out about Zelda many months later. The day was cold, grey and a little wet. We were brutal without the coaches around to keep us in line, even Danny got caught up in the mayhem. We were covered in mud by the end of the game. Our violent energy satiated, all of us champions.
We were still wearing our dirty uniforms when we went to lunch at In "N" Out. All of us screaming loud from our victory although no one knew who won because we hadn’t bothered to keep score. Our group was quickly kicked out. I think Brendan threw his shake across the room at one of the new players. We finished our lunch outside in the parking lot.
I remember Danny checking his phone a lot as if he were waiting for the fair maiden Zelda to get back to him, but he didn’t seem stressed out as he usually did when he couldn’t get into immediate contact with her. I wasn’t too stressed either. I looked over at Danny and thought our lives had reached a plateau for very different reasons.
Carolina came home late the next afternoon. She looked exhausted and her eyes were red. I stopped her as she tried to sneak upstairs to her room.
“Are you okay?” I asked as
I came out of the kitchen where I had made myself a snack of pita and hummus, “Are you hungry?”
“I’m fine. No thanks.” She tried to rush away from me.
“Stop Carolina. Why were you crying?”
“I wasn’t... I don’t know... we were in a car accident. I’m okay. Zelda has a black eye. She’s okay too.” She turned away from me.
“I don’t know what you mean. Who were you two with?” I wasn’t used to Carolina being unclear and indirect. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“John was driving. The car swerved and hit a tree. We’re fine. Can I go upstairs now?”
“Who’s John?”
“Don’t you ever listen to me? I talk about him all the time.” She screamed out. “He’s almost my boyfriend.”
“Oh yes. John, the almost boyfriend. How could I have forgotten?” She had never mentioned him before. I sat down at the dining table to eat my very late lunch and lost interest in the dramatics of my sister. “Should I bring you up dinner later? We could play Scrabble.”
“Okay... Thanks.” She continued up the stairs then stopped, “I’m sorry, Serge.”
I didn’t understand what she was apologizing for because apologies weren’t something she usually offered to anyone. I was going to ask, but she was already in her room.
I thought of going down to check on Zelda’s black eye. I imagined her looking like a pirate but decided against it. I knew Danny would be with her applying ice to it and giving her a pep talk the way he would do with the injured players on our team. The image made me laugh. I opened my computer to work on my online class I had been ignoring.
The next week began in the frantic way all my weeks began, rushing around to classes, tutoring sessions, avoiding all my old friends, another endless day of insignificant events leading up to Lacrosse. I was very aware the game was the only part of my life giving me any satisfaction as I ran into the locker room.
“Hey Serge,” Brendan said as I ran in the door a few minutes late. “Have you seen Danny? Did he go home? I saw him an hour ago. He looked miserable, and now he’s not here.”
“I haven’t seen him.” I took my clothes off in a rush.
“In my life I’ve never seen him anything other than upbeat. I think they broke up.” He tightened his arm pads.
“I don’t know.” I shrugged as I pulled up my jockstrap.
“What do you know Serge?” He looked over at me with his crooked smile, “Where have you been? What the fuck have you been doing? The two of you disappeared. Him I understand. You? You’re just gone. Can’t even talk to you anymore.”
“Heavy schedule this year.” I answered not meeting his eye.
“That’s it? That’s how it’s going to be?” He stood looking at me, waiting for a response I wasn’t going to give. He walked away.
“It’ll be easier next semester.” I yelled out to him, but he didn’t turn around.
Danny didn’t show up at the next practice either. Brendan didn’t mention it or really even talk to me. I wanted to say something to repair whatever damage I had done to our friendship, but the only solution I could see would be to tell him the truth about my life. I wasn't going to do that.
The last game of the semester was the Friday before school let out for the winter break. Danny showed up looking lost, his body slumped. He suited up without a word, much like me. Brendan changed with us but otherwise didn’t say anything to either of us.
We walked out to the field together, again silently. Danny went straight to the bench saying he had pulled a muscle in his calf and wouldn’t be playing. Brendan turned around and stared at him. The cage of his helmet covered his face, so I couldn’t read his expression, but his body looked tense.
Brendan and I still depended on Danny to keep us focused on the game but not as much as when we were younger. I didn’t think we lost because Danny didn’t play but Brendan did. He ran straight to him after the game, pulling off his helmet and throwing it hard at Danny’s helmeted head.
“Fuck you, Danny. Over a fucking girl?’ He screamed into Danny’s face as Danny took off his helmet to rub his head. “My whole time with Cara, I never cut you out of my life. I never acted like a baby if we got into an argument. I never lost a game. You and Serge? The worst fucking friends.”
“Hey, did you know Polystyrene was discovered in the 1830s and nobody really knew what to do with it for almost one hundred years?” I was immediately embarrassed as the words came out of my mouth.
“What the fuck are you talking about Serge? How deep into the Autism Spectrum are you?” Brendan screamed and threw down his stick.
“Our helmets, the protective foam is polystyrene. It protected Danny’s head from your helmet.” I couldn’t shut up. Danny laughed. I didn’t bother to answer his autism question because I wasn’t on the Autism Spectrum, and he knew that.
“All right, Wonder Boy. I’m going to Mammoth for the break. Get it together before I get back. Both of you.” Brendan picked up his stick and helmet and laughed as he walked away without offering us a ride home.
“Come on, what did he call you? Wonder Boy? Let’s go find a ride home.” Danny smiled for a moment before his face and body returned to the broken look. “Why...?” He stopped himself from asking the question that couldn’t have been about anything other than Zelda as he stood up from the bench.
A good friend would have said something, offered support, but I wasn’t a good friend to anyone anymore. I sat in the backseat of the car next to Danny silent as my best friend looked like he was about to cry. Brendan was right. Danny had never been anything but upbeat before. He pretty much had always lived a perfect life.
I felt for him, but at the same time didn’t think a girlfriend problem was that big of a deal in comparison to what was going on in my life. It was clear Zelda had ended it, and I was sure the reason no matter what she had told him was because of the shyness she had tried to talk to me about.
I figured they would get back together or they wouldn’t. It didn’t really matter to me. On some level he must have known they were ill suited. At the very least, his curiosity was satisfied. That’s the kind of selfish thinking I indulged in on the drive back home.
…
I woke up late the next day, our first day of the long winter break, to find Carolina by the front door with a small suitcase. The sound of my footsteps on the stairs surprised her and caused her trip in a way that I didn’t understand because she was standing still.
“Are you moving down to Zelda’s?”
“Yes,” she looked at me. Her eyes were red rimmed. Everyone around me seemed tearful that week.
“How is she?” Carolina had been so distant and emotional all week, I hadn’t bothered to ask her about the break-up.
“Why?” She asked with a trace of paranoia in her voice.
“How is “why” an answer to my question, or even a question to my question? Is she okay?” I turned around to go back to my room. “Never mind I’ll go down with you. I haven’t seen her in a while anyway. Give me a minute to get dressed.”
“No. We’re going out right when I get there. She’s fine... She’s really into a homeless punk look. You know how she is...” She laughed a very fake laugh, and I lost interest in spending time with either of them. Their histrionic behavior would have been too much for me.
The next day was Danny’s 17th birthday. I found him an English bamboo Lacrosse stick from the 20's at the Salvation Army. It had cost $10.00 but was easily worth $200.00, not that Danny would sell it. I wrapped it up in newspaper and in trying to be a better friend, I made a card with a crude drawing of the three of us playing Lacrosse. Zelda had taught me the basics of illustration when we were kids, but I didn’t use those skills because that’s not what “dudes” do for each other.
I was happy he wasn't home and left the gift on his porch. I texted him a birthday message. Next, I texted Brendan a joke about not swinging his snowboard at people who moved to slowly in the lift line. I made the decision t
o text them every day as I stood in front of his house. I knew my life would get better one way or another, and I didn’t want to come out of the difficult time without my two best friends.
Satisfied with my new decision to add them to my responsibilities, I ran up to Celena’s house. The winter break would be a long one and the idea of spending it home alone with my wreck of a mother and father was more than I could bear. At least at Celena’s, I would have quiet and time to finish my online class on Quantum Relativity that I had been unable to concentrate on in the previous few months.
I had been taking Celena on brisk walks, determined to get the bloat off of her. It worked. She was still larger than her old self, the real Celena, but the shape of her eyes came back, the golden flecks in the pool of brown. Sometimes, they would even have a spark.
We played the guitar together which came easily to me, though I never have any real talent for it. Celena preferred the grunge groups of the 90s, which wasn’t really my thing but those were the songs we practiced.
