Only Him
Melanie Harlow
MH Publishing
Copyright © 2018 by Melanie Harlow
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
Cover Design: Letitia Hasser, Romantic Book Affairs
http://designs.romanticbookaffairs.com/
Cover Photography: https://www.instagram.com/rafagcatala_photographer/
Editing: Nancy Smay, Evident Ink
http://www.evidentink.com/
Publicity: Social Butterfly PR
http://www.socialbutterflypr.net/
Proofreading: Michele Ficht, Janice Owen, Karen Lawson
For my girls, sisters and best friends
I must be a mermaid … I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living.
Anaïs Nin
Contents
1. Maren
2. Dallas
3. Maren
4. Dallas
5. Maren
6. Dallas
7. Maren
8. Dallas
9. Maren
10. Dallas
11. Dallas
12. Maren
13. Dallas
14. Maren
15. Dallas
16. Maren
17. Dallas
18. Maren
19. Dallas
20. Dallas
21. Maren
Three Months Later
Bonus Scene
Never Miss a Melanie Harlow Thing!
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Also by Melanie Harlow
One
Maren
Soft female voices drifted through the haze.
“Is she breathing?”
“Yes.”
“Are you sure? Because she looks dead.”
“Aren’t you supposed to look dead doing Corpse Pose?”
“Not that dead.”
“Mildred Peacock kicked the bucket during yoga at the center last year, remember?”
“That’s right. She was wearing those awful purple leggings.”
“And that rubbish pink lipstick.”
“I don’t think the teacher’s dead. I think she just fell asleep.”
I opened my eyes and saw the nine students from my Friday morning Yoga for Seniors class standing above me. I was lying flat on my back, legs extended, arms at my sides, palms up.
“Oh my God.” I sat up. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry, ladies. I must have dozed off. This has never happened to me before.”
“We thought you were dead,” said one white-haired woman wearing a T-shirt that said “My Grandma is a Hooker” above a picture of a crochet hook and a ball of yarn.
“You looked good dead.” Another old lady nodded enthusiastically. “Much better than Mildred Peacock.”
Embarrassed, I scrambled to my feet. “Forgive me, please. I haven’t been sleeping well, and it’s catching up with me.” For weeks now, I’d been having this recurring nightmare about being locked in a room with a big snake. I’d tried everything I could think of to ease my subconscious mind—meditated, detoxed, cleared my chakras—but nothing had worked.
“That’s all right.” The Hooker patted my shoulder. “Happens to everyone. Try some warm milk.”
“Put some whiskey in it,” suggested a salt-and-pepper-haired woman with a smoker’s voice.
“Thanks, I’ll try that.” I glanced at the clock and saw that I’d been out for the entire last ten minutes of class. “The bus is probably here to take you back to the senior center, ladies. I’ll see you next week. Thanks for coming.”
Several of them told me to get some rest before shuffling out of the studio, toting their rolled-up mats and water bottles. Over in the corner of the room, I turned off the music and looked at my reflection in the mirror. Bags under my bloodshot eyes. Paler-than-usual skin, especially for July. Worry lines creasing my forehead. I tried to relax my face, but the lines didn’t disappear.
Great, now that stupid nightmare was giving me wrinkles. Pretty soon I would look just like those old ladies in my class. I had to get some sleep.
Allegra, the instructor for the next class and an old friend from ballet school, came into the room. “Hey, Maren. How’s it going?”
“Other than the fact that I just dozed off while I was teaching?”
Her jaw dropped, then she smiled. “You did not.”
“I did. They thought I might be dead.”
She laughed and rubbed my upper arm. “You poor thing. Still not sleeping at night?” Allegra knew about the nightmare.
“No,” I said. “And I have no idea what to do.”
“You need to take some time off, Maren. A few days for mental health.”
She was probably right, but it was hard for me to take days off. I owned the studio, taught several classes a day, and often worked the desk, too. “I’ll think about it.”
“I can help cover for you. Just say the word.”
I gave her a grateful smile. “Thanks. The room’s all yours.”
Grabbing my water bottle and mat, I headed for the lobby and went behind the desk. I tucked my mat out of sight, checked email and phone messages, and put a load of towels in the laundry. Then I texted my sisters, Emme and Stella.
Me: You will not believe what I did this morning.
Emme: WHAT?
Me: I fell asleep while teaching Yoga for Seniors.
Emme: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: They thought I was DEAD.
Emme: OMG that’s even funnier!
A moment later, my phone rang, Emme Devine flashing on the screen.
“Hello?”
“I’m driving now so I had to call you,” she said, laughing. “But that’s hilarious.”
“It wasn’t hilarious, it was mortifying,” I whispered, smiling at a few women who passed by the front desk on their way to the dressing room. “I’m the teacher. I’m supposed to set a good example.”
“I bet those blue-hairs didn’t even notice. Half of them were probably asleep too. For Christ’s sake, I struggle to stay awake during yoga.”
I sighed, tipping my forehead onto my fingertips. “It’s that stupid nightmare, Em. I’m not getting any sleep.”
“You’re still having it?”
“Yes.”
“The same one? About the giant snake and the door with no handle?”
“Yes.”
“You need to google that shit, Maren. Figure out what it means.”
“No. I told you, I don’t believe in seeking wisdom on the Internet. Google doesn’t have any insight into my consciousness. I have to find the answers within.” I looked up and saw new faces heading for the desk. “I gotta go. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I’m in a room full of people, but they can’t see me.
I keep trying to talk to them, but I can’t speak. I can’t even open my mouth.
I look down and notice I’m naked.
That’s when I see the snake.
Slithering through the crowd along the dark wood floor, it’s heading straight for me.
Panicked, I start running for the door at the end of the room, but my progress is hampered because I’m carrying a clock in my arms, the old-fashioned kind that used to sit on top of my grandparents’ piano. It’s ticking loudly.
Eventually, I reach the door but discover there is no handle. And it won’t budge.
The clock ticks faster and faster. I look down and notice the second hand is moving backward. It’s counting down, like a stopwatch.
I bang on the door, too scared to turn around and
see how close the snake is.
It hisses behind me, and then—
I sat up in bed, gasping for air and damp with sweat, the sheets tangled around my legs. My heart was thundering in my chest. Sliding out of bed, I went over to the window. It was open, and a soft summer breeze blew through the screen, cooling my arms and chest. Taking a few deep breaths, I listened to the chirp of the crickets and inhaled deeply—fresh cut grass, the Forget-Me-Nots blooming in the window box, the lingering whiff of charcoal from someone’s backyard grill. I centered myself in the moment and focused on the way the air felt moving in and out of my lungs. Within a few minutes, my pulse had slowed and the trembling in my limbs ceased, but I couldn’t shake the anxious residue the dream had left behind.
It had to mean something, so what the hell was it?
Giving up on sleep for the time being, I left my bedroom, which was at the back of my ground-floor flat, and walked through the dark to the front. After making sure the curtains were closed, since I wore only a tank top and undies, I switched on a lamp. My laptop was sitting on the coffee table where I’d left it, and I scooped it up. I’d meant what I said to Emme earlier—normally, I didn’t believe the Internet could enlighten people about their own minds—but at this point, I was desperate for a clue.
Settling cross-legged on the couch, I set it in my lap, opened it up, and typed “dreams about snakes” into the search box.
The results, as I had expected, were all over the place.
Freud (of course) viewed the snake as a phallic symbol. Since there was a distinct lack of phalli in my life, I didn’t really see how that would make sense, unless my subconscious was bemoaning that lack. If that was the case, my subconscious could line up right behind the rest of me. I hadn’t had sex in two years.
The Dream Maven posited that a snake could represent something that tempted you, possibly something you felt guilty about. Well, damn, that could be any number of things.
Vodka, leather shoes, frosted strawberry Pop-Tarts, gay porn. The list seemed endless. But ninety-nine percent of the time, I didn’t indulge in those things, so I didn’t really think it was one of them. (Except for maybe the gay porn thing. That had real possibilities.)
According to another site, running away from a snake that’s chasing you might symbolize someone or something you’re afraid to face. Again, I couldn’t really think of anything I feared. Of course, I had questions about life—was I on the right path? Would I ever find love again? Did I have a higher purpose? But those weren’t exactly fears.
Occasionally, I struggled with feeling like I had given up my ballet career too soon and missed the feeling that performing in front of an audience gave me. But I’d taught myself to find validation from within, and the truth was, I hadn’t liked living in New York City at all. I had left my apprenticeship with the American Ballet Theater after just one year.
But I didn’t think that was it, either. When I searched my soul, I felt no regret about leaving the ballet world, with its constant pressures, strict hierarchy and intense competition. It wasn’t for me. I much preferred the inner peace and harmony I got from yoga, and running a successful studio afforded me a good enough income to live on my own, travel a little, and treat myself to the occasional luxury. I was happy. Healthy. Balanced. Fulfilled.
At least, I had been before the nightmares. Now I was exhausted, irritable, off-kilter, and full of doubt. Was the universe trying to warn me about something?
I googled a few more things—being naked in a dream (did I feel vulnerable? Had I been caught off guard?), the clock in my hands (was I concerned about time running out?), the locked door (did I feel confined by something?)—but felt no closer to decoding my psyche than I had before. With a frustrated sigh, I closed my laptop and set it aside. It wasn’t helping. What I needed was some deeper self-reflection.
Yawning, I rose to my feet, switched off the lamp, and promised myself some extra meditation time tomorrow. It was late, after 3 a.m., and I had to teach class in the morning, which would be followed by an afternoon shopping excursion with my sisters to look for bridesmaid dresses for Emme’s wedding. She’d gotten engaged a few weeks earlier to a great guy, a single dad who adored her. I was thrilled for her—this was her dream come true. As girls, when I was filling my scrapbook with pictures of ballerinas and pointe shoes, she was filling hers with brides and bouquets. It was no surprise to anyone that she grew up to be a successful wedding planner.
I got back in bed and eventually managed to fall asleep, but it felt like I had barely closed my eyes when my alarm went off three hours later.
Groaning, I dragged my ass out from beneath the sheets and went to work. I was uncharacteristically grouchy at class—at least three people asked me if I was feeling okay—but at least I stayed awake through it. When I got home afterward, the only thing I felt like doing was stuffing my face with bad-for-me food and taking a nap. But I didn’t ever buy any bad-for-me food, which made me even angrier with myself, and I stood in front of the open snack cupboard muttering curse words and willing a box of frosted strawberry Pop-Tarts or at least a bag of Fritos to appear. When the universe failed to deliver, I had to settle for Craisins.
Fucking Craisins.
After polishing off the entire bag standing at the kitchen counter, I stuffed it into the trash and stomped down the hall to my bedroom. I pulled down the shades, kicked off my flip-flops, and crawled beneath the covers, pulling them over my head.
“You okay?” Emme frowned at me in the mirror of our huge dressing room at the bridal store. “Or do you really hate the aubergine?”
I looked down at the deep purple dress I wore, which had to be the ninetieth one I’d tried on in the two and a half hours we’d been here. On my best day, shopping wasn’t my thing. Today, it was akin to torture. “No, the color’s fine. I don’t hate it. I think I’m just done trying on dresses. They’re all looking the same to me.”
“Hey, what about this one?” Stella breezed into the room holding up a long, one-shouldered dress in navy blue.
“I think Maren might have reached capacity.” Emme shook her head. “I don’t know how we have a little sister who doesn’t like to shop.”
“Sorry. Can I take this off now?” I was already slipping the heavy dress over my head.
“Go ahead.” Sighing, Emme handed me a hanger. “I guess I’ve seen enough for today. Let’s go get a drink.”
We left the dressing room, and Emme thanked the saleswoman who’d been helping us, telling her we’d probably come back another day to try on some more. I hid my grimace as well as I could.
It was a beautiful summer night, warm and clear, and I tried to let the fresh air and pretty sunset cheer me up as we walked, but my spirits dragged. Less than half a mile up Old Woodward, Emme led us into a wine bar called Vinotecca, and we found three seats at the bar. I sat in the middle.
“Ooh, I want bubbly,” Emme said, clapping her hands. “I’m going to have a glass of Prosecco.”
“I’m not supposed to have any alcohol,” I said glumly, eyeing the bottles of wine behind the bar.
“Why can’t you have alcohol?” Stella asked.
“I’m detoxing my pineal gland.”
“You have a penile gland?” Emme blinked at me.
“Pineal gland, not penile.”
“Why on earth would you need to detox your pineal gland?” Stella wondered.
“Because it’s the third eye chakra,” I explained, sorry I’d mentioned it. “Some people believe the pineal gland is the source of human intuition. Poor diet and exposure to toxins can calcify it, causing us to lose perception. I’m trying to get some insight into why I might be having that stupid snake nightmare.” I sighed and stared longingly at a bottle of zinfandel, my favorite. “But I think I’d rather have a glass of wine.”
The bartender came over and we each ordered a glass of wine—Prosecco for Emme, pinot noir for Stella, and zinfandel for me. I figured it couldn’t do any more damage than an entire bag of Cra
isins, which probably had a shelf life of about a thousand years.
“Tell me again what the nightmare is about,” urged Stella, a therapist whose favorite activity was probing people’s minds, even when she wasn’t in the office. She’d put on what I called her Therapist Face, which said you can trust me, and touched my arm. “Maybe I can help.”
Taking a deep breath, I described the crowded room, my inability to be seen or heard, my nakedness, the snake, the clock, and the locked door. They listened, rapt with attention. “And then I wake up,” I finished, “right as the snake is about to bite me.”
The bartender brought our wine, and I took an eager sip.
“And you can’t fall back asleep afterward?” Stella asked.
I shrugged. “Sometimes, not always. Not last night.” From the corner of my eye, I glanced at Emme. “Last night I got out of bed and googled the dream.”
Emme beamed and puffed out her chest. “And?”
“Let me guess.” Stella held out a hand. “The Internet thinks the snake is a penis.”
I pointed at her. “Exactly.”
Stella rolled her eyes. “Good old Freud.”
“Is there a penis in your life we don’t know about?” Emme gave me a pointed look over the rim of her narrow glass.
I shook my head. “Nope. Not one that isn’t battery-operated, anyway.”
She snorted. “Maybe you need a real one.”
“Maybe.” I swallowed some more wine. “But I don’t really think the dream is about sex.”
“Let’s think about one of the other things from your dream,” Stella suggested. “Like the clock.”
Only Him Page 1
