by S. T. Hill
The twins waved at me, so I sat beside them at the foot of the bed while Jenn went straight for Jim and the joint he was puffing.
"Hey, California, what's up?" Cheryl said. Or was it Janice? I still couldn't really tell the two of them apart. Why did twins always go around wearing the same outfits?
Though, if I were a twin, I'd probably enjoy screwing with people like that, too.
They had their own joint. Cheryl tried passing it to me, but I waved them off. I found I liked just hanging out with people around my own age.
Someone, probably Jim, turned on some heavy metal. The heavy beat and the incomprehensible screaming of the singer underscored the conversations in the room. My senses felt like they were being overloaded. I could practically taste the smoke, it had gotten so thick.
Breathing it in also gave me a bit of a buzz, and that strange numb feeling.
Jenn sat down beside me, looking pleased with herself. The sides of our bodies touched as she shoved in closer to me to make room for someone trying to get by and talk to Jim.
"You look happy," I said.
"I feel much better!" Jenn said. She threw her arm over my shoulder.
I leaned my head back against the mattress and closed my eyes, just letting the sounds of the party wash over me. I really was beginning to like being here a lot.
In my semi-dazed state of mind, the guilt came over me. I'd talked to mom yesterday over the phone for about twenty minutes. She'd only been able to manage that much. The regimen they had her on at the center was really kicking her ass.
Part of me knew that I should be back there, taking care of her, talking to her, comforting here.
But the other part knew that it was just so right to be right where I was, with the people around me. They made me feel good, like the person I knew I should have been before the cancer diagnosis. It was like my life had paused there, and going to Redeemer had been like hitting the "Play" button again.
"Now you're the one who looks happy!" Jenn said.
I jerked a little. She'd put her lips right next to my ear. The music was loud, but not that loud.
I opened my eyes and found her face right next to mine. Her eyes were so big. My body began buzzing as I felt something pass between us in that stare.
I had known for a while now that she had a crush on me. She always liked to talk about how I looked, and how cute I was for doing this or saying that. And she was quite pretty herself.
But I'd never really given it much serious thought. There had been a few girls in high school back in Pasadena who'd dated each other. And of course the dared drunken kisses at parties and whatnot. One couple had even gone to prom together, and it had made the paper.
I always thought of myself as straight, whatever that really meant.
Maybe it was that bit of a buzz I had going. Maybe it was being so far away from home, so far away from the influence of what my life used to be. Whatever "it" happened to be, I found myself glancing down at Jenn's lips, then back up to her eyes.
My tongue licked out, the tip of it wetting my own lips. I found I could think of nothing but how her soft, warm mouth might feel pressed against mine.
Jenn smiled when she saw the look on my face. That hand she had around my shoulders crept back until she had a gentle grip on the back of my neck, holding me in place.
"Hi," she said.
"Hey."
My heart slammed in my chest, the blood rushing past my ears so loud it blotted out the heavy metal. My body felt so hot, then. I made fists against the floor.
Jenn urged my face towards hers. Panic shot through me, cold and electric down through my stomach. But I fought it. I let her guide me.
My eyes closed, the image of her face fixed in my mind. My breath came in quick little pants.
Our lips touched. Gently, at first, exploring. Hers were far warmer than I thought they'd be. And soft, so soft. Her mouth was hot against mine as our kiss deepened.
It felt that, for just that one brief moment, everything stopped.
And then it was over. She let her hand fall away from my neck, sliding down between my back and the foot of the bed. Her lips parted from mine, and then we parted.
When I opened my eyes, her face was flushed. Her smile then wasn’t ironic at all, and for that instant I saw the woman behind all the makeup and the costumes. She bared herself to me, and I saw that she was struggling with who she was just as much as I was.
"That was hot!" Janice (or was it Cheryl?) said.
They both made kissy faces, puckering their lips and pretending to hold someone close.
Their teasing couldn't stop that buzzing, electric feeling in my body, though. Between our bodies, my hand sought out Jenn's. Our fingers entwined, and she gave me a reassuring squeeze.
"I've been waiting all semester for that," Jenn said.
I was about to reply when Jim's door opened just long enough and wide enough for one person to slip in. Normally, I would have just gone on talking to Jenn, not really caring who'd come to score a free high.
But this was anything but a normal evening. I'd just kissed a girl! Or had she kissed me? My mind was still reeling, so I looked at who it was.
It was a guy who looked familiar. It took me a few seconds to realize that I'd seen him before, in my Intro to the American Revolution class with Dr. Hackett.
His hair was dark, the exact color uncertain in this light, and it hung down past his ears. He had sharp features. The leather jacket he wore hid the exact build he had.
His eyes scanned the room, and for a moment they met mine. We locked stares. It felt like I was staring into a deep, dark pool of water. There was something important at the bottom of it, but I couldn't quite make it out. The longer I looked, the harder it was to see.
Then I realized that Jenn was trying to talk to me.
"Steph? Hey, Earth to Steph!" she said, nudging me.
I shook my head. It felt like I'd just come up for air after being underwater far too long. I looked at her.
"Yeah?"
"I'm hungry. Let's go back to my room and grab something."
It was only later that I realized that she wasn't really hungry for food. Besides, it would have been quicker to go over to the student center. There was always something open in that area where you could grab a sandwich or something.
"I don't really want anything right now," I said, trying to find the mystery man again.
"I have something really special back at my room, though. I think you'll like it."
Jenn reached up to stroke some of my hair back behind my ear. Her fingertips tickled me, and I jerked away from her.
"Who's that?" I said when I saw him again.
Jenn followed my line of sight. She gave the guy a once over and sniffed.
"I don't know. Looks like some guy who still thinks the stubble look is cool."
Nobody had ever struck me like that before. I'd seen it in movies and read about it, of course, but I thought that instant, all encompassing attraction that they talked about was just something they made up to get teenage girls into crappy romcoms.
My heart quickened as he came over to the bed. I strained, trying to hear what he said to Jim.
His eyes flicked over and saw me watching. My whole face seemed to burn as I went into damage control, trying to look as though I'd just been staring lazily around the room.
Jenn kept trying to talk to me the whole time. Her hand squeezed my fingers, her thumb running in insistent circles on my wrist.
Then he left, slipping out through the door without looking back. Jim stuck another joint between his lips and flicked his lighter on.
Before he could light it, I went and stood in front of him. He frowned, looking up at me.
"Who was that?" I said.
"Who was who?" Jim said, waving at me to move back so he had enough room to light the joint.
"That guy you were just talking to. The one who just left."
Jim shrugged. I could feel Jenn standing behind m
e, her eyes boring holes in the back of my head. She really wanted me attention, but I just couldn't give it to her right then.
I just had to know who he was. So many thoughts and feelings rushed through my head. The last few minutes were a jumble in my mind. My lips against Jenn's, her mouth hot on mine. That guy coming in, the way my body responded to the sight of him.
"Adam Arnold," Jim said, "Went to high school with him, too. Good guy, I guess, if a little weird. Then again, his whole family's a bunch of weirds."
I stepped back so that Jim could finally light his joint. He did, then he stuck it between his lips and took a long drag, closing his eyes. A big cloud of smelly smoke spewed from his mouth and nostrils when he finally released it. His pupils were dilated, and a goofy grin tilted his lips.
"What do you mean?" I said.
He looked down at the joint between his thumb and forefinger. He'd toked about half of it in that one go. More, he'd breathed it mostly in my face. My eyes watered, and that buzz I'd started earlier increased. The tip of my nose had gone completely numb.
"They're, like, one of the first families, you know? But it's all fucked up. They're monsters, or something like that. I don't know. Witches or vampires or something dumb? But Adam's cool. Just off, like the rest of 'em. Want some of this?" Jim said, offering me the joint.
"Steph, let's get out of here," Jenn said, her hand on my shoulder.
Adam had left, too. A spark of hope flared in me as I thought we might be able to catch him outside.
"Okay, let's go!"
As soon as Jim's door closed behind us, the world got much quieter. The heavy metal still thumped through the door, but it was muffled so that I that could really be made out was the heavy bass beat.
The light in the hallway was too bright, and I squinted as I rushed towards the stairs.
"Steph, come on, wait up!" Jenn said. Her boots clicked on the floor quickly as she raced to keep up with me.
Part of my mind, the small portion still unaffected by the pot, knew this was crazy and weird. It wanted to know why I was chasing after some random guy I'd just seen for a few minutes.
I raced down the stairs, my body seeming to move faster through space than my mind, leaving me behind myself.
Outside, I stopped. The cool air sobered me a little, the chilliness of it cutting through the numb aura surrounding me. I scanned the darkness, looking for any sign of him on the sidewalks or the pitches between buildings, in the shadows cast by the bare tree branches.
He was gone, though.
It felt as though I'd lost something very important, though I couldn't say what it was. I went and leaned against the wall of Jim's dorm building, the roughness of the brickwork scratching me through sweater and jacket.
"You okay?" Jenn said, coming to stand in front of my. She put one hand on the side of my face, stroking my cheek with her thumb.
"Yeah, it's just that he's gone."
"Who? That creep with the stubble?"
I could hear the jealousy plain in Jenn's voice. If I licked my lips, I knew I'd still be able to taste her on me. That had been quite an experience, and part of me still wanted more. But the remainder knew that wasn't who I was.
"Yeah, Adam," I said.
"Good. Let's get back to my place. It's getting really cold out!"
Her building was on the way to mine, so I started walking with her. I kept looking around, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. I didn't know what I'd do if I did see him, but that didn't stop me.
We'd gotten to the main entrance to her dorm when I saw the shadows coming up the walk. For a second, my heartbeat quickened. I thought it was him. But then I remembered that he was alone, and there were two coming towards us.
Then Eric and Joseph stepped into the light.
"Hey there, lesbo," Eric said. Joseph smiled at the insult.
"Hey, Steph, it's little dick and his best buddy, micro penis. Let's get inside," Jenn said, fishing for her keys.
Eric kept looking at me, though. I didn't like it at all. His eyes were hungry and cruel, and I could feel them trying to penetrate through my clothes. Why did some people have to be such huge assholes? Didn't they know how it made other people feel?
"So you've lezzed out now, too? That's a shame. Isn't it, Joe?" Eric said.
Joe made a "V" with his hand and licked the gap. Jenn snorted behind me.
"And that's the closest thing either of them are ever going to experience to actual sex. Come on, Steph," she said, putting her hand on my shoulder and tugging me back towards the open doorway. Light and heat spilled out of the dorm around me.
"Shut up," Eric said, "You still haven't showed up at the frat house for that party, Stephie. Why don't you come over? The guys can show you a better time, if you know what I mean."
"Come on, let's go in..." Jenn said, her tugging becoming more insistent.
It was too much. I hated the way they seemed to fight over me and make me the center around which all their little jokes and insults revolved. Eric wanted me for himself, but Jenn just wanted the same damn thing.
It seemed that neither of them had really stopped to think about what I could possibly want.
"Just go away, all of you!" I said, shrugging Jenn's hand off my shoulder.
"Whoa, a little bitchy," Eric said.
"Maybe it's that time, you know?" Joseph said, apparently proud of himself for finding something to add. He practically preened himself when Eric giggled at what he'd said.
"Yeah, why don't you two lovebirds get lost?" Jenn said, apparently not understanding my meaning.
"No, Jenn. I don't want to go with you, either."
"Ouch!" Eric said.
"You don't mean that, Steph..." Jenn said.
"I do! Why don't you all just leave me alone?"
I had to shrug Jenn's hand off me again. Adrenaline shot through my system, cutting through the haze still lingering over my mind from Jim's party.
I rushed past Eric and Joseph, ignoring Jenn's calls for me to come back.
"Don't worry; you know where I'll be when you're ready!" Eric called out after me.
His voice chased me through the darkness, its tone holding an awful, promising certainty.
Chapter 13
"Why don't you stay over tonight?" Jenn asked.
Her eyes whispered their silent plea to me. I felt this longing to say yes, to just step through her door and be there with her the whole night.
She looked so cute with her plaid skirt. The top two buttons of her blouse were undone, showing an expanse of smooth, cream-colored skin.
But I had that midterm tomorrow. Professor Hackett seemed like a nice enough guy, but the practice quiz he'd handed out was a nightmare. My brain was full of dates, names, and places. If I dreamt of nothing but the Revolution tonight, it wouldn't surprise me.
"I want to..." I said.
I leaned against the open doorway to her dorm room. She used this desk lamp that cast a soft, warm glow over everything. And it was beginning to get cold out at night.
But my scholarship depended on me maintaining at least a 3.25 GPA. I couldn't let it slip.
Not even for the warmth of her room, or the warmth of her arms.
"So stay," she said, her tone pleading.
"I can't... I have to go study. But I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" I said, reaching out to grab her hands. Her palms were hot, and her fingers trembled. My body ached for me to just go back in, but again I found myself sacrificing my immediate desires for the good of my future, whatever that turned out to be when it came into focus.
So we hugged, our hips touching as she held me close. I patted her on the back twice, the universal signal to end an embrace. She withdrew slowly, her fingers trying to get a hold on the light sweater I had on to fight away the chill on the walk back to my dorm.
She closed her door, waving at me until the gap closed up, leaving me alone in the hall. I wiggled my toes in my flats, trying to urge my feet into carrying me forward. It was like a heavy weig
ht hung down from my heart into my stomach. I couldn't believe I'd managed to deny her.
Maybe this school thing wasn't so bad after all, I figured. I pulled the cuff of my sweater back, checking my watch. About quarter past ten. Jeeze, I was going to up be until three or four, I knew.
It was times like this that I really found myself missing the big city. Pushing open the door to the stairs, I made my way down. The rail was smooth and cool to the touch, and I lifted my hand periodically to avoid the little brackets that connected it to the white-painted cinderblock wall.
Back in Pasadena, I could go grab a triple-shot espresso from any open convenience store. I had done so many times, in fact, working doubles at the diner.
Even though I'd only been here almost two months, Pasadena and California felt like a lifetime ago.
As I pushed open the door marked "Exit" on the ground floor, I decided to give mom a call after the midterm. I needed to hear her voice again.
"Ah!" I said, stepping down onto the walk, pulling my sweater around me and hugging myself.
It was only near the end of September, and already I could feel winter's bite in the breeze.
All those trees rustled their bare branches in agreement, like thousands of finger bones rattling together.
"Time to get home," I whispered, again trying to urge my body faster.
But my legs didn't need the encouragement. They followed the curve of the road to the small sidewalk beside the soccer field. The posts of the nearest net loomed out of the darkness, but the rest of the pitch was dark.
Everyone else must have been studying right then, too, I figured. There was almost no one out. It was like I was in the midst of some old haunted town, the ghosts always keeping just out of sight.
I walked faster, the loudest noise the click on my shoes on the pavement.
When I passed the soccer field I was halfway to my dorm. I could see the squat, three-floor building in the distance. Some people had their curtains drawn, while others had them open, letting white and yellow light spill out.
I could actually see a few people moving around there, silhouetted against their curtains.
I'd be there in five minutes. Less, even. I could snuggle up under my blanket, pillow tucked behind my back, and fight the desire to sleep as I re-read my lecture notes until my eyes bled.
