by S. T. Hill
It seemed somehow unnatural for her to be out in the daylight like that. The sun reflected off her nose piercing as she flared her nostrils.
"Test? Oh, yeah! Well, I think. Whatever. Hey, have you seen Adam?"
"Adam? Adam Arnold?" she said, shifting her knapsack from one shoulder to the other.
"Yeah. Seen him?" I said. I could hear the excitement in my voice, and I knew I'd be rolling my eyes if I were in Jenn's position.
She still had her hand on my shoulders and she ran it slowly over to cup my cheek for a moment as she looked down into my eyes.
"I think so, maybe. Down by the library."
"Thanks!" I said.
I started in the direction of the library, crossing the street as I made a mental map of the campus in my mind, trying to figure out what route he'd take, and how to get there first.
"Does he owe you money or something?" Jenn said, her long strides eating up the distance between us until she was right beside me.
"What? No," I said.
"Oh, so you have a crush on him, then," Jenn concluded.
It took me a second to hear the barely-covered hurt in her voice. Heat flashed through my body as I thought back to the party, of the warmth of her mouth against mine. Of the way she looked at me sometimes.
"Of course I don't," I said, regretting seeing her now.
The heels of her boots clicked on the sidewalk, my runners almost silent in comparison. Normally, I knew, I'd be so worried about having rushed through that last portion of my essay.
But the essay didn't really matter. Somehow, the more rational part of me knew I'd done just fine.
We moved around a bend in the road, both sides of it lined with evergreens. Their sweet pungent filled the air.
"So why do you want to see him so badly, then?" Jenn said.
"He..." I said, about to launch into the whole story of the walk home last night. I changed my mind, "He helped me study for the test. Today he's ignoring me. I just want to know what his deal is."
It wasn't exactly a lie. He had, in fact, helped me study by getting rid of Eric and Joseph. Who knows what might have happened if he hadn't showed? Would I be in some hospital somewhere? Would I be dead right now?
My breath caught in my throat at the thought, and the Fall air felt especially chilly against my face.
"What a weirdo," Jenn said, "Though, you know, he is kinda cute. Sometimes I miss being with guys. Sometimes," she finished, glancing my way.
She did seem a bit more relieved, though I thought that my little omission there was clear in my tone.
But then the library loomed up above the trees. It was designed like a fortress, the brown walls high and imposing. There were even crenellations along the roof. We started up the stairs to the entrance.
The building was recessed slightly into the ground, the windows of the "basement" clear to see. It was like a dry moat, ready to flood at any time to guard the knowledge secreted within.
"You saw him around here?" I said, looking through the plate-glass windows. There was the front desk, a line of students looking bored as they waited to check out books. To the right was the small cafe, and straight ahead a bank of computer terminals for searching through the catalog.
My eyes flicked back and forth, searching. I looked back over my shoulder, wondering if he was already out.
"There he is!" Jenn said, nodding towards the cafe.
He stood by the register, a can of soda in his hand ready to check out.
I wanted to reach for the handle to pull the door open, but my muscles froze. Doubts flooded me. What if he didn't want to talk because he didn't like me? What if he regretted what he'd done? What if he doesn't like me?
"You know, it's supposed to be the guy who's nervous about all this," Jenn said.
"I'm not nervous," I said, trying to hide how my hands shook.
"Whatever. Let's go find out what this guy's deal is. Want to grab lunch after?"
"Sure," I said.
Jenn pulled the door open and pushed me through. We went to the cafe and stood by the entrance, waiting for him to pay for the can of Coke he held.
The ground floor of the library was fairly noisy, with attendants asking people for their student cards, students loading and unloading backpacks and bags laden with books, chatting with their friends. I didn't think there was any way that he could have heard us.
As we stopped, he looked up. He paused, then, one hand digging in the pocket of his jeans for change. Jenn waved at him, a small, satisfied smile on her lips.
"It's like we caught him rubbing one out or something," she said, whispering it from the side of her mouth.
"Jenn!" I said, even though she'd said it so quietly I was certain I was the only one who could hear it.
But then Adam snorted and shook his head, putting a few bills into the cashier's hand and waving away the change.
"He heard you!" I said. I could feel my skin getting hot and red. Why didn't I feel so nervous around this guy?
"No way. Come on, let's go settle this so we can grab some lunch. We can eat in my room."
Adam went to one of the small, circular tables and sat down, cracking open the soda and taking a sip as he looked calmly at us.
Jenn started into the cafeteria and I followed. She stopped beside him, crossing her arms under her breasts and tapping one foot. I felt like hiding behind her and trying to peep over her shoulder.
Come on! I admonished myself. God, had it really been so long since I'd had a crush that I was acting like a little girl?
"So, Adam, Steph told me about last night," Jenn said.
Adam sipped from the can and wiped at his lips with his thumb.
"She did?"
Steeling myself, I came out from behind Jenn to stand beside her. Adam looked at me for a moment, then back to her. Was that supposed to mean something?
"Yeah, it must have been quite the study session. Why'd you ditch her?"
"What are you talking about?"
"It was like you didn't even see me in the lecture hall. I waved," I said, finding the strength to interject.
This time Adam actually glanced around the cafe, as though looking for an escape route. I almost pitied him for a moment. Jenn was such a force of will. I wouldn't want to be the one receiving that stare from her.
"Really? Sorry, I was just trying to remember all my notes. I don't even really remember seeing Dr. Hackett. So, last night worked for you? You got all your studying done?"
"Hey, that's not the full answer..." Jenn started.
I knew he was lying. He'd seen me, looked at me at least twice in the lecture hall. But why was he lying? What was he hiding?
"Yeah, studying was great, thanks. Hey, you wanna grab a bite?" I said to him.
Jenn looked at me, her smug smile gone. Shock and surprise replaced it. I felt bad. I knew she wanted to eat with me and spend more time with me. But I also didn't think I was what she wanted me to be.
Besides, this whole Adam situation was far too intriguing. Just what was this guy hiding?
Again, Adam glanced around. Seeing no escape, he gave me a tight-lipped smile.
"Yeah, sounds good. They do good sandwiches here."
"Hey, you're last name's Arnold, right?" Jenn said. She was rapidly losing control of the situation, and I could hear the desperation in her voice.
Again, the guilt tugged at me, but it just felt right to be there with Adam. It felt good to be with Jenn, but not right. There was a difference, I knew, even though I couldn't fully explain it, even to myself.
"Guilty," Adam said, holding up his hands.
"Arnold as in the Arnold Building?" Jenn pressed.
Adam licked his lips, his eyes darting about. He sipped from the can and made a face as he swallowed. His teeth were very white, I noticed.
"My family paid for it. Not me. I don't even have any classes there," he said.
Another piece of the puzzle clicked into place there. Was that his secret? He was from a rich, old
family and didn't want people to know?
That couldn't be it. I felt there was more.
"Hah! See, Steph, he's just another rich townie. Just like small-dick Eric. Come on, I think the cafeteria has meatballs today."
She put her hand on my arm and started pulling me away. I shrugged her off.
"Maybe later, okay? I... I want to talk about the test with Adam. But I'll see you later, okay?"
Jenn sucked her bottom lip into her mouth and chewed on it as she looked at me. But I managed to match her stare as she searched my eyes.
I just couldn't be who she wanted me to be. I don't even know who I want to be, or what. But she did look so hurt.
"Fine," she said, wheeling suddenly to march out of the cafe.
"Jenn...!" I said, taking a step after her.
"I said fine!"
I watched through the glass as she stormed out. It was wrong to let her go like that, I knew. But I couldn't go after her. Adam might try to slip away again, and I just had to find out what the hell was going on.
"She's pissed," Adam said, leaning back in his chair and taking a gulp from the soda can.
I slid into the seat across from him.
"Yeah. Hey, were you following me last night?" I asked, leaning my elbows on the table.
His eyes were like two chips of ice as they examined me. He sighed.
"No. If I had been, don't you think I would have stopped those guys earlier?"
It made sense. But it felt like the answer I'd given to Jenn. It was the truth, but only from a certain perspective. Sort of like how history was always from a certain perspective, and couldn't really be trusted unless you tried to find a few more ways of looking at something to get an image that really approached what actually happened.
"Hey, want to go grab that lunch now? The sandwiches they do here are pretty good," Adam said.
The more we talked over our sandwiches, the more mysterious Adam became. Yes, his family was just as old as any in the area. Yes, it was his family's money that built the Arnold building.
I remember Jim talking about all the weird stuff in the area, including mentioning something about the Arnolds.
Adam did actually loosen up a bit, smiling and even laughing as we both did our Dr. Hackett impersonations. My throat hurt trying to imitate the scratchy gravel-voice the old man had.
It could have just been that he'd saved my life. Or at least saved me from something almost as bad as getting killed, but I couldn't get him out of my head. I liked the way the little wrinkle formed between his eyebrows when he frowned. I liked his smile a lot.
I tried to tell myself that I couldn't let myself like (as in, really like someone a lot) a guy. Especially not a guy like him, but he was different. Different from all those flakes and skin-deep jerks who used their family's money to exclude people. Adam just felt more real than them, and I'd only really known him a few hours.
For a minute, I wondered if those dumb romcoms had something right about instant attraction.
I realized I was just sort of sitting there, looking at him as I thought about my own feelings. I had to say something.
"So, are you guys witches or something? Someone told me you guys are cursed," I asked right before popping the last morsel of my turkey sandwich on white into my mouth.
Adam's smile died, and he picked at the last little bit of crust on his plate.
Damn it! I killed the mood, I knew. It had been too long since I'd really been out with a guy.
"Adam..." I said, wondering if I should apologize. It was Jenn rubbing off on me, and her attitude towards people. It might be okay for her to say whatever was on her mind, but I knew that talking before thinking often led to hurt feelings.
Clearly, he had many issues with his own family history. But he had such a cryptic face. Though I'd only really seen him a few times, I got the impression that he didn't smile very much, or laugh. It felt like earlier, before I ruined it, had been special.
The only really expressive part of him was his eyes. At that moment, those were downcast.
I felt like I'd kicked a puppy.
"I should go. More midterms..." he said, thrusting his chair back behind him so that it squeaked against the floor. The blonde girl and the cashier both looked back to see what the noise was.
It was all slipping away through my fingers.
"I know how it feels," I said, reaching out to grab one leather cuff. God, this was so hard. The words didn't seem to want to come up through my throat.
"My mom has cancer," I managed, whispering the words so quietly I barely heard myself.
He stopped and looked at me. He searched my face, and I let him, holding my eyes in place so he could see the truth of it in them.
When he did, he sat back down, pulling his chair back in with a bit more tact than when he'd shoved it out.
He listened quietly as the story poured out of me. I told him about when she first learned about it, about deciding to stay home after high school to help her. I told him about getting the acceptance letters, and how I hid the one from UCLA so that I could stay home.
I told him everything that I hadn't shared with another living soul. Even Jenn didn't know about my mom, about the awful confusion I felt about my future.
When I finally stopped, I was breathless. My shoulders heaved as my body trembled. It felt far too warm in that little library cafe. Not even the coldness of those eyes of his could help.
"You're very brave," he said.
Then he reached out across the table and put his hand over mine. His skin was warm and dry and smooth against mine.
I brushed same strands of blonde hair away that had fallen across my face. How could he think that about me?
"No," I said, "Weren't you listening? I'm a coward. God, I still think about going back every single day. It hurts so much just to hear her voice over the phone and not be able to see her, you know?"
He nodded, though I didn't know how he could possibly know.
I needed to go. It felt like I'd just torn a piece of out myself in sharing that with him.
When I tried to pull my hand away, he tightened his fingers. It didn't hurt, but I knew I couldn't get out of that grip.
"You're brave because you really could have stayed. You could take your scholarship money and use it to go home, but you don't. You could have found another job, another apartment. But you chose to come out here and get on with your life. Your mom knew that's what you needed. Why can't you see that?"
"Your hand is very warm," was all I could say.
And it was. I didn't think a person's skin could be that hot without bursting into flame like paper under a magnifying glass.
I found then that a sense of relief, of coolness, moved through my body. That stuff all needed to come out, but I hadn't been able to find anyone to tell about it until Adam came along.
Why did I feel so comfortable sharing something so personal with someone I barely knew?
Maybe that was the thing. It felt as though I knew him, in some way. Like we'd been friends for years who'd just spent a long time apart, and were just now meeting again to fill in those blanks in our lives.
He took his hand away and put it under the table.
"I'm going somewhere tonight," he said.
"Is that an invitation?"
Now this was an interesting turn of events. I'd just finished pouring out my biggest secret to some guy, one I thought for sure would send everyone running for the hills. And now he seemed to be asking me out on a date.
Adam shrugged. The small smile curving his lips belied the nonchalance of the gesture.
"Okay," I said.
My heart beat quickly, and I stuffed my hands between my thighs so that he couldn't see them shaking. This time, it wasn't out of fear or guilt, or the catharsis that comes with sharing as I'd just done.
This time, it was excitement.
"Cool. Hey, what about that other girl?"
"Other girl?"
"The tall redhead with th
e mouth. I've seen her at a few parties Jim's done."
"Oh, Jenn!" I said.
I looked out of the cafe windows, scanning the broad campus with all its grass and trees. The sun must have been high up in the sky, as there were almost no shadows. The bare branches were stark, and everything clear. But I couldn't see her.
What had I been expecting? That she'd be waiting for me out there, impatiently tapping her foot?
I knew she'd be upset at all this. Her crush on me was obvious. At first, I thought I felt that way for her, too. But being there with Adam made me see things differently.
I resolved to tell her the next time I saw her, to sit her down and have an earnest talk about all this. Until then, she'd just have to understand and deal with it.
"She'll be fine," I said.
"Great! Meet me at the main doors for your dorm around nine or so," he said.
Chapter 16
I felt so light and happy on the way back to my dorm. You know that feeling, like there's sunlight shining out of you, warming you up from the inside out, lifting you up off the ground in defiance of gravity.
I threw myself on my bed for a few minutes, staring up at the stucco ceiling. Then I went to the little laptop I had and opened it up.
As soon as I signed into Facebook, I got that little tone that said I had a message. It was Jenn. In her profile picture, she was playing air guitar. Her long, fiery hair was spread out like a lion's mane as she whipped it around her head in mid-jump.
Mine was just one I'd snapped of myself with my phone, sitting on the chair I used at that moment.
"Done talking to Adam?" her message asked.
"Yeah, it was nice," I replied.
"Cool cool. Want to do something tonite?" her next message read.
I paused, watching the little black cursor blink in the chat box. I almost wanted to tell her yes, that I'd love to hang out that night. But that would mean standing Adam up, and I didn't want to do that.
I swallowed, licking my lips as I let my eyes scan her request over and over.
Finally, pecking out each letter with my index fingers to slow things down even more, I gave her my reply.
"Sorry. He asked me out tonight. Tomorrow, maybe?"
The little message popped up telling me that she'd seen what I sent. I waited, licking my lips again. They seemed to dry out so quickly when I was anxious like that.
