by Susan Lewis
‘I wish you’d take some time off. You’re asking too much of yourself, trying to carry on like this.’
Whether she was right or not Allyson had no idea. All she knew was that if she didn’t come to the office, and was forced to spend every day in the home that was still so full of Bob, then she’d probably end up doing something crazy. As it was no minute of the day was bearable, but those she spent alone were beyond torment and pain, they were unrelenting hell.
‘Do you think it’s going to get feudal, if … she does come back?’ she said, unable to utter Tessa’s name.
‘I think it’ll be hard to avoid,’ Shelley replied.
Allyson sighed. ‘I thought you’d say that. So I want to talk to everyone, after the recording. I want to ask them not to take sides, and turn the place into some kind of war zone. I’m assuming that most of them will side with me, which might be gratifying for a while, but in the end it won’t help. It’ll probably just encourage me to do what I really want to do, which is kill her.’ She put a hand to her head as a horrible lurching pain twisted her heart. ’God, every time I think of them together …’ She swallowed hard. ‘Oh Shelley, sometimes I mean it, you know, I really do want to kill her.’
Shelley smiled. ‘Of course you do,’ she said. ‘You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t. But I swear to you that relationship of theirs is destined for disaster. Oh, he might think it’s going to work out while it’s all new and exciting, and still in the heady heights of passion, but we both know Bob, and I’m telling you, once the novelty starts wearing off he’ll soon find out that he can’t survive without you.’
Allyson sighed and shook her head. ‘Right now, it feels the other way round,’ she said dismally. ‘But I have to believe what you’re telling me, because if I don’t … Well, there wouldn’t seem much point in going on, would there?’
‘Then believe it,’ Shelley said. ‘And don’t underestimate your strength, because you’ve got plenty more than you might imagine. However, I don’t think you can keep Tessa as your assistant. That would be pushing yourself too far.’
Allyson looked away and stared blindly down at the floor. Shelley was right, of course, she couldn’t have Tessa involved in her everyday life any more, or certainly not in the way she once had been. The strange thing was she was going to miss her, but a bolt of hatred soon wrenched that misguided notion from her head, reminding her of how she loathed and detested the girl whose despicable treachery had turned her into a vile snake in the lush green grass of her mentor’s marriage. However, Tessa’s future with Soirée was something Allyson had given a lot of thought to, and despite the overwhelming desire to kit the girl out with horns and a pitchfork and despatch her off down the Styx, or at the very least to shove her back to where she came from, she’d reached a decision that she needed to discuss with Shelley in order to evaluate its merit.
Shelley listened quietly, thoughtfully, showing some surprise, even doubt, and once looked like she might argue. But by the time Allyson had finished Shelley was ready to accept her suggestion, not necessarily because she considered it the best solution, but it was one that would work. And if Allyson was sure she could handle it, then Shelley would talk to Stella when she returned in a couple of weeks, and get her to put it in motion.
Bob was lying on top of the bed in the cramped bedroom of Tessa’s South London flat, feeling ludicrously oversized and clumsily masculine in amongst the flowery Laura Ashley decor, dozens of fluffy toys, and silly girlish fripperies Tessa had scattered about the place. But, small though it was, they’d spent a lot more time in this room these past couple of weeks than they had anywhere else in the flat, as they’d indulged themselves in a never-ending orgy of sex that made even his wildest dreams look tame. For days they’d gone without wearing any clothes at all, only putting on dressing-gowns when the food they’d sent out for was delivered, invariably by undercover journos, who’d seized the opportunity along with the pizza to climb the two flights of stairs in the hope of snatching a few shots of the famous couple, or at least getting one of them to comment.
At first it had been funny, romantic even, fighting the siege together, confined to the badly wallpapered rooms of their ’love nest’ with nothing but sex, Trivial Pursuit and TV to occupy the time. But two weeks on it wasn’t quite so romantic, in fact it was fast deteriorating into a nightmare of frustration and guilt. Frustration because the press just wouldn’t let them move, and guilt, obviously because of Allyson, and the cowardice that was stopping him picking up the phone to make sure she was all right.
Of course Tessa was always on hand with comfort and strength, dark eyes flashing with defiance as she refused to accept that either of them had done anything wrong, since neither of them had had any choice in the matter of falling in love. It had just happened, and berating themselves for it now, and feeling guilty about Allyson, wasn’t going to change it. Brave words, considering he knew how terrible she really felt, for he was the one who wiped away her tears every time she cried for all the pain they were causing to someone they cared about so deeply.
It was odd, perverse even, the way their concern for Allyson was creating such a bond between them, but that wasn’t something he liked to dwell on, for he preferred to think only of Tessa and her tender and generous heart, that was so easily moved by the plight of others that almost any tragedy she read about in the papers reduced her to tears. She just couldn’t bear the idea of anyone suffering, and he couldn’t help but be shamed by the way she seemed to mind even more about Allyson than he did. Except that wasn’t true, of course, because it was tearing him apart. But she kept insisting it was like betraying her own mother, a comparison that he knew would thrill Allyson about as much as it thrilled him when she teasingly called him Daddy. The disparity in their ages wasn’t something he enjoyed being reminded of, nor did her childish little voices during sex do much for him either. In fact, quite the reverse, but he didn’t even want to get in touch with the horrendous nature of what it could actually make him feel like were he to go along with it. She’d never put those voices on before, but she’d soon stopped when he’d told her he didn’t like it, because her only wish was to please him, not to offend him or make him angry. And there was no doubt she pleased him, for he was still hardly able to get enough of her, despite the terrible strain of the guilt – and the imprisonment. But it couldn’t be much longer before those bloodhounds outside found some other juicy bones to unearth and savage and maybe then he and Tessa could start going out again, maybe even return to work. After all they couldn’t exist on sex and pizza for ever, and her meagre savings weren’t going to last long with a baby on the way, especially if he didn’t get up the courage to go and raid his and Allyson’s joint accounts some time soon.
‘Guess what?’ Tessa said, coming into the bedroom with the mail. ‘I’ve got a letter here from Stella Cornbright, the big boss. She’s asking me to go and see her.’ She looked at Bob with wide, apprehensive eyes. ‘Do you think they’re going to sack me?’ she said.
He shook his head. ‘If they were they’d tell you in the letter,’ he said.
She sat down next to him and read over the neatly typed few lines again. ‘Maybe I should just resign,’ she said.
Sighing, he reached up to tousle her hair. ‘We’ve been over all that,’ he said, ‘and I thought you didn’t want to.’
‘I don’t, but …’ She turned to look at him, then smiled as he started untying her robe.
They’d spent enough time discussing her return to Soirée, and though he thought it was a bit odd that she wanted to go back, it was her life, and if Allyson was prepared to accept her back then it was hardly his place to argue.
‘There don’t seem to be any reporters out there this morning,’ she told him, while watching their reflections in the dressing-table mirror as his fingers rotated around her nipples.
‘Thank God for that,’ he responded.
She grinned. ‘Something tells me you’re in a better mood than you were la
st night,’ she teased.
‘I am,’ he said, moving his other hand down to his penis and idly stroking it.
She stood up and shrugged off her robe. ‘I thought I might go back to work today,’ she said. ‘If it’s all right with you.’
He laughed. ‘You’re the one who has to face it,’ he reminded her. ‘When does Stella Cornbright want to see you?’
‘Next week. I thought I might try to get a lie of the land first.’
He shrugged. ‘Up to you.’ Then, rubbing a hand over her tummy, he said, ‘I don’t think we should go public about the baby yet though.’
‘Oh God no,’ she gasped. ‘That’s something you’ll have to tell Allyson about before we even think about telling anyone else.’
He shifted restlessly as though to escape the unease that swept through him. That particular nightmare could wait, though just the thought of it had had a deflating effect on his ardour.
‘Oh dear,’ Tessa said playfully, looking at it. ‘I imagine you’d like me to do something about that before I go.’
Smiling, he reached out and pulled her down on top of him. ‘You’re something else, do you know that?’ he said, his lips almost touching hers, his arms holding her tightly.
She wriggled a bit, pressing her knees into the bed, and wrapping her feet around the back of his legs until he was halfway inside her.
‘Mmmm,’ he murmured, rocking his hips slowly up and down. Then holding her face between his hands he began kissing her deeply, using his tongue and his lips, and moving gently in and out of her until she sat back to take him fully inside her.
He raised his knees to support her back and held her hands wide as he gazed up into her face. If only he could feel like this all the time, so right about being here, and so definite that she was everything he wanted. But it was clear that his conscience wasn’t going to make this an easy trip, though when it really acted up the whisky helped. Thank God Tessa didn’t nag him about that, but she wouldn’t, because she never nagged him about anything. She didn’t even complain when he started thrashing about in a temper, the way he had last night, when he’d felt so trapped and cooped up, and furious with Allyson for being the source of his misery, that he’d drunk far too much Scotch and had ended up virtually passing out. He wasn’t going to admit, even to himself, that it was the fact that Allyson seemed to be coping so well that was becoming so hard to deal with. Not that he wanted her to suffer. Far from it. In fact when he’d first realized she hadn’t even taken a break from presenting the programme he’d felt only relief that she was managing to get on with her life, especially as it had acted like a very welcome pressure valve for the bottled-up might of his guilt. But, for some reason, when he’d seen her on the screen last night it had irritated the hell out of him, and made him feel resentful for the way her life didn’t seem to be on hold the way his was, nor was she barricaded inside her flat like some rat in a trap.
But this morning, hangover aside, he was feeling just dandy as he lay here with Tessa, his gorgeous, insatiable little nymphet, who was carrying his baby, and for whom he must find a bigger, better home. She deserved everything he could give her for the way she made him feel so much better about himself, his decisions, and the whole wonderful life they had ahead of them.
‘Oh my God!’ Allyson murmured, coming to a halt. ‘Tell me that’s not Tessa Dukes standing in my office.’
Shelley was beside her. They were at the far end of the production office, just returning from lunch. The rest of the team was busy on the phones or with computers, though everyone had to be acutely aware that this would be the first time Allyson and Tessa had seen each other since the night Bob had left.
‘I didn’t think she’d come back until after she’d seen Stella,’ Shelley remarked. ‘I’ve got to hand it to her, she’s got some nerve.’
Allyson was shaking all over. She’d never felt so out of control, so at the whim of emotions that were conflicting like sworn enemies inside her. But she had to go through with this, she had to see the girl, she just wished to God she wasn’t having to do it in front of an audience.
‘I’ll deal with it if you like,’ Shelley said.
‘No! No, it’s OK,’ Allyson said, and before she could give herself any chance of backing down she started across the room towards her office, moving swiftly in an effort to strengthen the weakness in her legs. Just thank God she was carrying a huge pile of mail in her arms so no-one could see how badly her hands were shaking.
Tessa was already watching her, that meek, frightened look she knew so well darkening her eyes, those naturally ruddy cheeks spreading their colour down over her neck and chest. At least she’d had the decency to wear something less revealing than normal, but even so Allyson couldn’t stop herself imagining the body that was beneath those jeans and baggy V-neck sweater, the body that Bob was daily, maybe hourly, pounding with passion.
‘Hello Allyson,’ she said softly, as Allyson stalked into the room.
Allyson stared at her coldly. Then, continuing to walk round her desk, she put down a pile of mail and said, ‘I didn’t invite you in here, so please leave.’
Tessa’s eyes dropped, then taking a breath she said, ‘Allyson, please, I think we should talk …’
‘I said, leave,’ Allyson repeated.
‘I want you to know that if …’
Allyson’s eyes closed, then suddenly she seethed, ‘Get the fucking hell out of my office.’
Everyone outside stopped what they were doing. Then Shelley was there, grabbing Tessa by the arm and pushing her towards the door.
‘Clear out your desk,’ she said. ‘We’ll find you another by the end of the day.’
Closing the door she turned to Allyson, who was chalk white and shaking so badly she had to sit down.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I swore to myself that when this happened I wouldn’t make a scene, but …’
‘It’s OK,’ Shelley interrupted. ‘What did she say?’
‘Nothing. Except she thought we should talk.’ She dragged her hands across her face and pushed them back into her hair. ‘I don’t know if I can handle this …’
‘You are handling it,’ Shelley told her. ‘You’re handling it better than anyone I know.’
Allyson shook her head. ‘It’s all show, and you know it.’ Suddenly her face crumpled and only with supreme effort did she manage to stop herself crying. Had she been at home she wouldn’t even have tried. ‘Oh God, it’s all so horrible,’ she choked. ‘I hate him, I absolutely despise him, but I still can’t stop going over and over in my head all the things I wish I’d done, or hadn’t done. What I should have said …’
‘It’s still early days,’ Shelley reminded her. ‘These things take time.’
Allyson blew her nose. ‘Platitudes? Not like you, Shell.’
Shelley smiled too. ‘Here’s another,’ she said. ‘It’s OK to cry.’
‘No,’ Allyson responded. ‘I do enough of that every night. I don’t want to start flooding my days too.’ She took a deep breath, which shook as it came out. ‘I wish to God I could stop imagining them together. I keep telling myself it’s enough to know, I don’t have to reproduce it in my own private Technicolor. Anyway,’ she said, abruptly straightening her shoulders. ‘I’ve got to get through this, and today’s bound to be the worst, so I’ll just keep projecting my thoughts to somewhere in the future when he gets tired of little orphan Annie out there and wants to come home. My latest fantasy has me telling him to fuck off and him going demented in some bar that I have to go and rescue him from.’
‘Sounds more like reality to me,’ Shelley said dryly. ‘Anyway, as it’s not a programme day you can just go home if you find the sight of her starts really getting to you.’
Allyson forced a smile, then after Shelley had left she sat staring at the phone, her heart thudding away like a drum as she tried to pluck up the courage to call him. Tessa was here, so he could be at the flat alone …
Ten minutes later she wa
s still sitting there, rehearsing a thousand different versions of what he might say if she said, and what she would say if he said … In the end she got angry and grabbed the receiver. This was her husband, for God’s sake, she’d never been afraid to talk to him before, so she damned well wasn’t going to be now.
Only after she finished dialling did she realize how badly she was shaking again, and when his voice suddenly came down the line her heart gave such a horrible lurch she thought she was going to pass out.
‘Bob?’ she said, fighting to stop herself imagining his face, or where he was standing, or how he might be feeling about the fact that his telephone number was no longer the same as hers. ‘It’s me.’
Silence.
Obviously he was shocked. He needed a moment. OK, she’d give it to him.
‘What do you want?’ he said finally.
Suddenly she was reeling, knocked so off course by his abruptness that she didn’t even stop to consider that it might have been caused by nerves or caution or guilt, she only knew anger that very nearly exploded in a stream of vile and incoherent abuse. But mercifully she had the wit to take a deep breath and remember that everyone outside would hear, so all she said was, ‘I want you to get the rest of your belongings out of my home by the end of the day!’ And she slammed down the phone.
Immediately she regretted it, for the last thing she wanted was him going into the flat while she wasn’t there, and she didn’t want to be there with him either, not while he was breaking apart their lives. Oh God, what a mess she’d got herself into now, but she could hardly call him back and tell him she’d changed her mind. But why not? She had every right to, in fact she could do anything she liked, even if it did mean making a fool of herself.
This time the answerphone picked up her call, but she knew he’d still be there, so she said, ‘On second thoughts, Bob, I’ll send it all round in a taxi, so don’t bother putting yourself to the trouble of coming back. Ever!’ And once again she slammed down the phone.
A few minutes later she was down in her dressing room, stretched out on the sofa, utterly drained. But it was OK. She was getting through it, and at least the hurdle of seeing Tessa for the first time was now behind her. It could be she was going to regret the decision she’d reached about the girl’s future on the programme, but for the time being she didn’t have the energy even to think about changing it, so she’d just have to let events take their course and pray that it didn’t get any worse than this.
