by Mz. Toni
"See you should've just chilled with me," Kasan said laughing.
"Fuck you, what were y'all doing here anyways?" I asked.
"Well when you hung up on me last night I waited for you to call back, when you didn't I came over here using my key and found Kasan sitting on the porch so I let him in. Then a few hours later Mark came," she explained.
"Well I ain't going on no more damn dates that your ass done set up, you have officially gotten your matchmaker license revoked," I said seriously.
"How was I supposed to know he was a mama's boy?"
"I don't know and I don't care but I ain't fucking with you no more."
"Yo what you doing for your birthday?" Mark asked changing the subject.
"Me and Cammy going to y'all club then Sunday I'm going to visit my sister," I said excited my birthday was next weekend, I would be 20 I was hyped.
Chapter 13
(Shante)
So today is the big day, it's my birthday and I’m super hyped. Today I’m 20 and I’m going to start living my life for me. School can still be my main priority but starting today, I was gonna live life like it’s my last. I've been chilling all day in the house catching up on my shows, listening to Pandora, just relaxing and preparing for my fun night with Cammy. I logged into my Facebook to see a shit load of happy birthday posts, it really made me feel loved. I didn't have many friends because I always had my guard up, but that was going to change. As I was checking Facebook, there was a knock at my door.
"Who is it?" I screamed from my couch.
"It's your mother open the door!"
Oh my God! I ain’t got time for this shit, not right now, it's my damn birthday. I cracked the door open and didn't even know who the person standing in front of me was, she sounded like my mom but she looked horrible.
"Why you got the door cracked like I’m some Jehovah's Witness?" she tried to push my door open, but I pushed it back.
"Mom, I don't have time for this, you already know I don't want you in my place, not after the shit you pulled."
"Shante I’m ready to get clean, please hear me out before you close the door on me like I’m some fucking stranger."
"Okay well I'll come on the step and we can talk." Before she had a chance to argue, I closed the door and went to grab my coat. I went outside and she was out there like I knew she would be. As I was coming out, I saw her peak in my house. I guess she was surprised I had furniture again and nice furniture at that, but unless she's clean she won't be stepping foot in my shit.
"Hey mom what’s up?" I zipped up my coat and braced myself for the shit I knew was sure to come.
"Hey baby girl, I just came to check on you, how are you? I mean you look good, looks like you lost a little weight too."
"Nope, I’m still the same size ma but thanks I guess, and I’m doing really good how are you?"
"I'm ok, working on getting clean; I haven't gotten high at all today." She stood there looking paranoid and shifting her weight from one leg to the next. She did look like she hadn't had any drugs, but it looked like it was because she was broke, not because she was trying to get clean, but I would play along.
"That’s real good mom, I’m glad you’re trying."
"Thanks baby, but I’m homeless, I don't have anywhere to go. It's hard to get clean when you're in the streets."
"There are rehabs that will give you food, shelter, clothing, and a place to go while you get clean," I said not buying into her bullshit sob story.
"You know what, to hell with you. I gave birth to you even though I ain't want a damn baby, took care of you when ya piece of shit daddy put us out and didn't give a shit about you!"
"You gave birth to me, I didn't ask to be here and you didn't take care of me, I took care of myself. You want to throw in my face all you've done when you ain't did shit!" I snapped at her. I should've know this shit was gonna go left and I’m not in the mood, damn it’s my birthday and I still can't get a break from her bullshit.
"Here mom, take this," I said handing her fifty dollars.
"Wow thank you so much for this measly chump change. I saw ya apartment, you doing good but this all you give ya mama."
"Well give it back then," I said smartly. I can't believe this heifer! She standing in my face stinking and hungry, I give her some money and she mad it ain't more, the bitch is selfish and this conversation is over.
"I ain't giving you shit back fuck ya fat ass. I should've aborted you, yeah that’s what I shoulda done," she said with malice dripping in her voice.
"Bitch maybe you should've then I wouldn't have been forced to be a motherless child, the child of a crackhead, the child of a fucking hoe!" I screamed, Lord forgive me but how am I supposed to honor and respect a woman like her?
"Oh bitch you done got bold, you think ya shit don't stink now huh fat ass, yeah I heard you been hanging with that kingpin nigga that's the same nigga you was crushing on ain't it. Well guess what bitch, he using you stupid, don't no nigga of his stature want a fat bitch like you on their arm!" she said laughing as I walked back into my apartment crying. I swear those were the last tears I would shed for that bitch. I turned on some Vivian Green; her music really speaks to me. As I let her voice and lyrics fill me up, I dried my tears and smiled.
”I’m happy so ready for the phase in my life these days are fulfilling and I have peace mind but every time I get high you do your best to knock me down but I am not who I was back then you're trying to hurt me you're really trying," I sang while smiling and crying.
Today was my birthday, my new start, I’m finally happy and I’m never gonna be unhappy again. Not because of my mom or Kasan’s ass, nobody. I was done letting people determine my happiness. I undressed and looked at myself in the mirror, I knew I was beautiful, not only my face, but my body as well. I know a lot of chicks who were my size had a lot of insecurities and believe me, I went through that phase for a while and it didn't help that my mom criticized me every chance she got. But once I started to love myself, my brown thick hair, my wide hips, the little pudge in my stomach, my thick thighs, my big breast and my fat ass, I could care less about what anybody else had to say. I didn't need to have anyone to build up my self-esteem because I was so use to doing it myself. Whenever I would come home crying or upset that someone made fun of my baggy clothes, nappy hair, and especially my weight, my mom would laugh at me just like the bullies did in school. I'll never forget when I had my first fight.
I was in the 11th grade and for years this girl Marissa had made my life a living hell from middle to high school. I'd never done or said anything to her but she went out of her way to fuck with me. In middle school, I wore baggy clothes, dirty sneakers and had nappy hair. I was skipped two grades and was labeled the teacher's pet, so I was an easy target. Once I was in high school, I started working at Torrid so I had my own money. I ditched the baggy clothes and straightened my hair; I was finally looking how I felt I deserved to look, but she still felt the need to bother me every day. Marissa wasn’t really cute, but she was slim and Spanish and that was what boys looked for back then. Marissa was 4'11 with long hair almost to her ass. She had a bad case of acne which caused her to wear a ton of makeup. She always rocked the hottest shit and she was mad popular. I was on my way to the lunchroom when I heard her and her minions behind me.
"Look at her fat ass, she can’t wait to eat," someone said from behind me.
"Yeah the bitch got a lil money coming in and she think she the shit, cute bitches don’t gotta work," I heard Marissa say while laughing. She sounded about dumb as hell so instead of feeding into the bullshit, I walked in line to get my food. I never understood why they didn't like me but I guess bullies didn't really need a reason. I refused to fight and get suspended, school was my sanctuary, my way out of this life and I wasn’t gonna let a bunch of petty bitches fuck it up for me.
"Hi can I get two slices of cheese and a sprite," I asked the lunch lady while taking my money out my pocket. After paying her, I grabbed my
food and went to find a seat. I didn't know who did it but someone pushed me from behind causing me to fall face first. I heard Marissa and her friends laughing and I saw red. It was one thing to tease and fuck with me and it was another to put your hands on me, I was livid.
"Why you always fucking with me?" I said calmly while getting up.
"Bitch cuz I don’t like your fat ass, I don't really need a reason!" she said standing in my face.
"Whatever imma need for you and ya minions to not put your hands on me," I said through clenched teeth.
"Oh fat bitch grew balls y'all, and what you gonna do eat me," she said laughing hard at her little joke. I’m so tired of this shit, I mind my business, all I want to do it is graduate and get far away from here, but I can't take the bullying anymore.
"Touch me and find out Marissa. I’m tired of y’all fucking with me!" I said fed up. Testing my patience she mushed me in my face, losing all patience I cold cocked the bitch right in the eye, she fell on her ass. Not letting up, I continued to beat her ass with her friends on the side with their mouths hung open. "I told you to stop fucking with me but naw you wouldn't budge," I said while still punching her.
"Shmeka get this bitch off me!" she screamed. I felt a pair of arms lift me out the air and when I was completely off her, I saw the security guard behind me. That wasn't my first fight, but was my first one at school. I just had had enough, I got suspended and when I returned to school her face was still healing. I felt bad, but she didn't bother me after that day so I didn’t regret putting the paws on her.
Chapter 14
(Cammy)
Today is my besties birthday and I want to turn up with her, but I can't because I'm pregnant. I still haven't told Mark yet, not because I'm scared, I'm not ready. Things have been going really good with us and he really wants a baby, hell every time we have sex that’s all he talks about afterwards. I guess I'm just a little nervous because I don't want him to hurt me again especially now that I'm going to have his baby. I can't just cut ties with him if he fucks up; I'll be forever connected to him for the rest of our lives, now that scares the shit out of me. Lately I'd been thinking about when we first got together and the incident leading to our breakup. That shit was fucking with me heavy. I remember it as if it was yesterday. I really hate how much I love him! I try so hard to hate him and on the outside I think I do a pretty good job at pretending, but I can't help how I feel, I am head over heels about Mark, but I can't forgive him for shitting on me. Not everybody knows that my father left me and my mom for some young bitch, didn’t come visit me, no phone calls, nothing, he just sent money once a month. I told Mark all of this, he knew my fears, my dreams I shared my whole life with Mark so for him to turn around and do the shit he did really fucked me up. Yeah Mark is a major dope boy, yeah he came up, whoopdee fucking doo, I didn't care about none of that shit, I was here before all that. I was dating this nigga when his hustle was standing in front of Save-A-Lot on Mt. Ephraim ave. loading groceries for tips. I was there bringing him hot chocolate and the food my fucking mom cooked when he was selling a bundle up top in the freezing cold. I was his rider; I had his back and fucking front through all of that. I didn't care that he ain’t have money I saw the love and hunger to survive in his eyes so I was gonna ride with my man until the wheels fell off. Even at 15, I knew a good man when I saw one. We were together two years before everything changed.
He linked up with his cousin Kasan who was moving major weight in New York. Once Kasan started selling weight in Camden, he quickly made a name for himself. He was the nigga to see, he had that pure white for dirt cheap. Once he expanded to Atlantic City, Mt. Holly and Vineland, he made Mark his second in command. With that job came a lot of problems, the money was piling in and he was doing it way big. I mean he was 18, fine as hell, with a 2013 Camaro decked out in the latest shit. I’m not gonna lie, he spoiled me but I wasn't a thot, I didn't need that shit from him, I could deck myself out. I was 17 with a job of my own, granted I wasn't ballin like him, but trust Cammy was good! He started spending less and less time with me, he said he was out hustling, but I knew he wasn’t just hustling, not the way the hoes were flocking him. I was still a virgin. We kissed, touched, I jerked him off and I even gave him head, but we never went all the way and he never pressed me about it either. He always said that he admired the fact that I wasn’t like those other chicks out fucking and sucking. He promised to wait until I was ready. He started having sex young so I know he got frustrated with me sometimes and that made me love him even more. He was always patient with me, I never doubted his love for me and I never will. I'll never forget the days leading up to our breakup.
"What you doing tonight?" Shante asked while we were at work.
"Everything girl, I think I’m ready to do it!" I said excited.
"Oh my God I can't believe you're actually gonna do it!" Shante said laughing.
"Yeah I know Mark loves me he's been so loving and patient, I wouldn't want to give this cookie to anyone except him."
"Girl I know he loves you and you love him so I got your back a hundred percent," she said hugging me.
"I'm nervous as shit but I’m gonna set up something real cute. I went to Vickie's on my lunch break and picked out something real sexy," I told my bestie.
"Oooo bitch get it, do you need me to do anything?" Shante asked.
"Yeah I need you to make me some of your banging ass chicken Alfredo with some garlic bread."
"Aight I got you girl."
"Oh yeah can you put some shrimp in there too?" I asked.
"Oh bitch you tried it you know I’m allergic to shellfish, you trying to kill me!" she said faking mad.
"Aight aight bitch forget the shrimp, just hook it up the way only my bestie can," I said laughing. I dropped Shante off at her house and headed to Mark’s apartment to prepare for our special night. I cleaned his house and set the table and put a bottle of wine in the freezer before I ran back out to get the chicken Alfredo Shante made for tonight. Once I got back to Mark’s house and put the food out on the plates, I got in the shower and the hot water felt so good on my body. I grabbed my sponge and lathered it with Mark’s Dove body wash and couldn't help but be nervous and think about how bad this shit was gonna hurt, but I loved him enough to bare the pain.
Once I got out the shower, I lotioned up with his favorite Bath and Body Works scent, Cashmere Glow and sprayed a little of the mist on my neck and inner thighs. After I got dressed, I looked myself over in the mirror and I was pleased. I decided to leave my hair wet and messy because he liked how it curled up when it was wet. Now that I was perfect, I dabbed some lip gloss on and sat at the table to wait for him. When he walked in his door, shocked was an understatement, he was in utter disbelief. Hell this was the most attention I’ve gotten in months. He jumped on me not even caring about dinner; I was the only thing he wanted tonight.
"Damn bae you look so beautiful," he said in between kisses.
"Thanks love, you've been so good to me and patient and now I’m ready for you to make love to me," I said meaning every word. He picked me up and carried me to his bedroom. He laid me across the bed and kissed me passionately. He took my breast into his mouth, teasing my nipple with his tongue.
"Hmmmmm babe that feels so good," I moaned.
He carefully sucked on each nipple making sure to give both of them attention. His hands were roaming all over my body although it felt great; I couldn't help the butterflies floating in my stomach. He kissed my stomach and went to my thighs. He licked and sucked on my thighs and I felt him lightly grazing my wetness, I couldn't help the moans that were escaping my lips. I thought this was the best feeling on earth until I felt him ram his tongue in my sweetness. "Oh my God Mark, please don't stop!" I screamed loving the feeling. He added a finger while still fucking me with his tongue, he sped up and didn't stop until I erupted in his mouth, he continued to slurp up all of my juices.
"Damn babe that felt so good," I moaned still trying to recover.
He climbed on top of me and kissed me letting me taste my own juices. I was so caught up in the kiss I didn't even notice that he was inching his way inside of me.
"Owww babe it hurts slow down!" I yelled hitting his ass.
"I’m sorry, I'll go slower," he said slowly trying to enter me. Even though he was supposedly going slow that shit still hurt like hell. I kept scooting back, I didn't mean to but I swear it felt like he was ripping my insides. I felt my hymen break and I knew I was officially a woman, his woman. He continued to kiss me and ask me if I was ok.
"Hell naw I ain’t ok Mark, my coochie burns, I think you broke something," I said seriously.
"I'm sorry babe but I promise you'll be ok, just soak in a hot bath," he said kissing my forehead. To this day, that night was the most special night of my life. Better than my graduation, better than my first car. That night was the night I became a woman and I will never regret losing my virginity to him. Two days later, he stood me up for our movie night. He had been doing that a lot but instead of bitching and nagging I said fuck it, called up my girl Shante, and went to a house party in downtown Camden. When we walked in all eyes were on us, we were like fresh meat because we didn't usually go to these parties. Mark told me it wasn't a good look that his woman hung in what was more than likely a trap house being around a bunch of drunk and high niggas. I agreed and didn't put up a fight because I knew he was looking out for me, but fuck it, where he at? Not with me that’s for damn sure, so I was gonna find a cutie to dance the night away with. Me and Shante hugged the wall for a while sipping on the water we brought there.
"Ain't you Mac's girl?" this thot asked.
"I don’t know a Mac, sorry wrong girl," I said politely.
"Mark aka Mac," she said laughing.
"Oh is that what people call him? Well yeah I’m Mac’s girl," I said, giving Shante the eye because this trick looked like she was on some sneaky shit. Shante just nodded but I knew what that meant.
