by Irene Zutell
That’s the part that still baffles me. Alex is cute. He’s got dark, liquid brown eyes and thick brown hair that hasn’t shown any signs of receding. He’s got an angular jaw. But sometimes his eyes seem to pop out of his head when he’s angry or excited, and it makes him look insane. Besides, Los Angeles is awash in beautiful people. Why Alex Hirsh?
“Judy, you need a hobby.”
“Ally, you need a reality check.”
I snuck out of work early, had my hair highlighted and cut, my nails and toes manicured. I wore the hottest outfit I owned—a tight black dress with a plunging neckline and a pair of black three-inch Jimmy Choos. I looked great.
I was whisked to a table by an obsequious host as soon as I mentioned the reservation was under Rose’s name. Ben, a partner at the firm, and Ben’s wife, Aurora, were already at the table with Alex when I got there. Two empty seats remained for Rose and Finn.
“Isn’t this exciting?” Aurora giggled. Aurora was about forty years old with enormous fake boobs and a body toned from hours and hours of kickboxing and pilates. She was one of those women who did nothing all day but exercise and drive around in her Lincoln Navigator while chatting on her cell phone and depositing her kids at private schools and soccer practices.
“I just love everything Rose is in. I am so nervous. I have no idea what I’m going to say to her. Ben says she’s really down to earth. Did you hear how she brought in like one thousand Krispy Kremes? And she even ate a few? Can you believe it? If I ate just one of them I’d be a blimp. She probably is one of those people with an incredible metabolism, too.”
Alex stood up, kissed me, and told me I looked beautiful. I felt giddy, too. Not because I was meeting Rose, but because I felt like I was on a date with my husband. He looked so handsome in his black Armani blazer, dark blue button down shirt, and tan linen pants. Even his goatee looked great. He smiled as he poured me some Pellegrino. A wave of relief washed over me. I had nothing to worry about.
“Isn’t this place great,” he said.
It quickly crossed my mind that a few years ago he would have made fun of this overly feng-shuied, forced Zen kind of place. But maybe it wasn’t so bad. Maybe I was too judgmental. Lighten up, Alice, I told myself. Learn to have a good time.
“Sure. It’s really great,” I said. “And you look great.” I squeezed his six-pack.
About a half hour later a murmur raced through the restaurant. Even here, where celebrity sightings were as common as sushi, Rose’s entrance commanded attention. She pretended not to notice any of it as she headed directly for me. She wrapped her slinky but toned and buffed arms around me. Finn stood behind her, grinning. Alex got up and shook his hand.
“Ally, it’s so nice to finally meet you,” she said, ignoring everyone else, including poor Aurora, who had jumped out of her seat.
Rose turned toward Alex. “Now move your butt over a seat. I’m sitting next to your beautiful wife and there’s nothing you can do about it. And if you or Ben bring up the word lawsuit, I’m walking out. Right, Ally? I’ve had enough legal talk for a lifetime. I’m sure you have, too.”
Throughout dinner, Rose touched my leg and my arm. “You’re so wonderful for sharing Alex with me. He’s really talented and dedicated. Before I met him, lawyers were all these horrible stereotypes. But he’s so much more than that. He really seems to care about what he does. You’re so lucky, Alice. He seems so devoted to Gabby. Now tell me more about that beautiful daughter of yours. I hear she’s quite precocious.”
“She is, but every mother probably believes that about their kids.”
“One day I want to have children. I’d love a girl and a boy. I have their names picked out and everything—Avalon for the girl and Paz for the boy. But I hate the thought of pain. I can’t imagine pushing out a baby. Drugs. Did you have drugs? I know it’s trendy to say you want to do it naturally, but I can’t imagine it. Drug me up, baby. Knock me out. That’s how I was born. My mother was unconscious from all the drugs they pumped into her. Maybe that’s why I’m so insane. Anyway, you’ll have to give me advice. Okay? A friend of mine did the whole hypnotherapy thing, but I think I’m too strong-willed for that. I don’t think anyone could convince me I’m not in pain when I’m in fucking pain.”
Throughout dinner, she talked and talked and asked questions but never waited for answers. Actually, I didn’t mind. It was effortless for me. I sat there, nodded my head and everyone around wondered what I was saying that had the biggest actress in the world so enthralled. Poor Aurora desperately tried to become part of the conversation.
“Pain? I have two boys with enormous heads, just like their father. I tore my vagina so bad.”
Rose scrunched up her face. “Gross. You poor thing,” she said to Aurora. Then she turned toward me and rolled her eyes. “Too much information, thank you very much. Like I need to know how enormous your pussy is.”
Afterwards Rose invited us to a private party at Dolce, but Alex declined. He swung his arm around me. “I think we’ll just head home. We’ve got a babysitter with a curfew.” Then he whispered into my ear. “Plus, we should try out our new Jacuzzi.”
“That’s so cute,” Rose said. “A babysitter. Hell, I feel I still need a babysitter.”
“Hey, I just realized something—you’re Alex and Alice. Al and Al. Al Squared,” Aurora said. “How adorable. It’s like you two were meant to be together.”
“Very adorable,” Rose said flatly.
I barely heard any of them. The innuendo of sex lingered in my mind. Alex had been so tired lately it had been nearly a month. But when he mentioned the hot tub, I knew what he really meant. It’s funny what happened to us once we were married people with children. Suddenly, there’s this shyness about sex. When we were single or married without kids we’d just say things like, “Let’s get home and tear each other’s clothes off.” Now it’s, “Let’s take a hot tub.”
Rose’s black Maserati pulled up, followed by Alex’s white Lexus and Ben’s bright red Hummer. We all exchanged air kisses and promises of future get-togethers. Rose hugged me hard, said it was great to finally meet me and that we should get together for lunch and shopping real soon. Then Alex and I drove the twenty miles back to the Valley.
“See, she wasn’t so bad,” Alex said.
No, she really isn’t, I thought, silently thinking how wrong my friends had been. Alex barely looked at Rose throughout dinner. Alex is in love with you, Alice. Al and Al. Al Squared. You were meant to be together. Even Rose had to notice that.
Alex lit votives around the Jacuzzi. He poured us Grand Marniers. We sat in the hot tub with its waterfall illuminated by rotating colored lights, sipping our drinks and looking out at the dazzling lights of the valley in front of us.
“So did you have fun tonight?”
“Sure. I’m having fun right now.”
We leaned in and kissed. Soon we were right on the deck, atop a towel, having sex and keeping one ear open for Gabby.
A month later, I discovered I was pregnant.
Gabby followed me into the bathroom when I checked the stick. Her big eyes stared hard at it. “What’s that?”
I blurted it out. “Mommy’s going to have a baby.”
I should have waited. She’s only five, but sometimes I forget. She seems like such an old little soul. That night when Alex walked into the foyer, she jumped on him.
“I’m getting a sister. I’m getting a sister. Mommy’s having a baby.”
He squinted at me. “Is that true?”
I smiled so hard my cheeks hurt.
He smiled, kissed me lightly on the cheek, and went into the bedroom to change into his gym clothes.
“Aren’t you happy about it?” I asked when I followed him in.
“Well, you could have told me before you told our child. Who else did you tell?”
“No one.”
“Yeah, sure. I’m sure you told Judy already. You tell her everything.”
“I didn’t tell anyone. Gabby
happened to see the stick.”
“And you couldn’t have bullshitted her? I mean, come on, Al, it’s kinda weird hearing this from your kid.” He shook his head and tied his sneakers. “I just gotta get a workout to clear my head. I’ll be back soon.”
That night I lay in bed thinking how different it was when I told him I was pregnant with Gabby. We hugged and kissed and went out to our favorite restaurant and came back and had crazy sex. Now he slept with his back toward me. What did this mean?
A few weeks later, Alex was working late when a searing pain shot through my left side. I curled on the couch imagining there could be a positive explanation for this. My stomach was expanding. It was muscle cramps. The fetus was attaching itself to the wall of the uterus. Normal pregnancy stuff, I told myself. There was even an explanation for the drops of blood in my underwear. Implantation, the pregnancy book said.
The pain didn’t subside. It got worse. I started vomiting. I called Alex at work. Nothing. I called his cell phone. Nothing. I called my doctor, who said to go to the emergency room. I called Celia, Gabby’s babysitter. Gabby was already asleep. When Celia arrived, I could barely stand, but I forced myself upright.
“I’ve got to go to the emergency room,” I said through clenched teeth.
She looked at me like I was insane. “Gee, Alice, should I call someone?”
“I’m fine. It’s probably nothing,” I said as I walked doubled over to the car.
I drove to the Tarzana hospital, only a few miles from my house. My fingers shook as I dialed Alex’s number over and over. When I got to the hospital, I had to take a ticket for parking. As I stuck my hand out the window for the ticket, the pain coursed through me and I squeezed myself into a ball. I sat there for a moment, breathing heavily as a few cars lined up behind me. I vomited out the window. I wondered why a hospital would have this. Isn’t it the most horrible thing in the world? You can be dying, bleeding to death, yet you must stop to take a ticket to park your car. Nothing is free. Hopefully you won’t take too long to die, because then you’ll owe a lot of money.
A car behind me honked.
I took my ticket and the gate opened.
Inside, the emergency room was empty and quiet. The admitting nurse was a fifty-year-old man who looked like he should be doing something else, like swabbing a deck. He grilled me.
“What are your symptoms?”
“I think I’m having a miscarriage,” I said, trying not to cry.
He impatiently shook his head, scribbled something into his admissions books and spit out, “That’s not a symptom. That’s a diagnosis.”
I wanted to scream and curse at him, but I knew I’d be stuck in the waiting room for hours. “Well, I’m in a lot of pain,” I said, gritting my teeth.
The nurses took my blood and urine. They hooked me up to a painkiller that instantly numbed me.
“Am I having a miscarriage,” I asked.
“You’ll have to wait for the doctor.”
“Can’t someone tell me something?”
Dr. Ryder raced into the emergency room at the same time as Alex. Alex held my hand as the doctor examined me. He stuck a wand up me and gave me an internal ultrasound.
“Am I having a miscarriage?”
“I don’t think so,” Dr. Ryder said.
“Really?” A wave of relief washed over me. “I guess I have a low pain threshold. It’s just implantation, right? I’m so embarrassed. Because I was convinced that—”
Dr. Ryder coughed softly as he stared straight ahead at the monitor. I watched the grainy image of my womb. It looked like images being transmitted from the moon.
Dr. Ryder squinted. “See, there’s no rice.”
“What?”
“That’s what the fertilized egg should look like. A pulsating piece of rice, but it’s not there.”
“So she’s not pregnant?” Alex asked.
“I imagined it?”
“No. It’s what’s called an ectopic pregnancy. The fertilized egg is most likely lodged in your tube. We have to operate right away. It’s a simple procedure, actually. Laparoscopy. We have to locate the pregnancy. It could be in the tubes. It could be in the ovaries. I’m hoping it’s in the tubes. If it’s in the ovaries we face the risk of it exploding and possibly damaging—”
I turned to Alex, who was suddenly pale. His eyes rolled back. Dr. Ryder and a nurse helped him to a chair while someone else raced to get him water.
I felt numb. “I don’t want to be operated on. Can’t I just go home and see how I feel tomorrow? Can’t I get a second opinion? Isn’t there a pill I can take?”
Dr. Ryder ignored me. “There are a few things you must know.”
He started rattling off everything. How they’d pump my stomach with gas. Then he’d search around my tubes for this wayward baby. He explained worst case scenerios, something about never being able to reproduce again. Alex and I started crying.
A nurse breezed in with forms to fill out. “Would you like more information about a living will?”
“A what?”
“It’s just a formality, in case you . . . well . . . can no longer take care of yourself.”
“Shit,” Alex said, his hands trembling.
“I don’t want to be a vegetable.”
“It’s just routine. It won’t happen. So, do you want more information?”
“No.”
“Sign here then.”
As I signed away my life, Alex bent down close to me. He held my face.
“I love you, Al. I’m so, so sorry. Please, please, please forgive me.”
“For what?”
“Everything. I’m sorry I wasn’t more excited when you told me. I’m so sorry. We’ll try again real soon. I promise. As soon as you’re better.”
He held my hand as they wheeled me down the fluorescent-lit corridor. Then our hands parted as the doors to the emergency room swung open. God, he really loves me, I thought as they put the gas mask on my face and told me to count backwards.
When I woke up, Alex’s face was staring down at me. “You’re okay,” he said, rubbing my head. “They got it out. Your tubes are fine. You can have lots more children. The doctor said you could go home in about two hours. Can you believe that? I thought you’d at least have to stay overnight. And in a month or so, we can even start trying again.”
“I’d like that,” I said drowsily.
He put his head on my chest and heaved with sobs. I stroked the back of his head. I’d known him for eight years and I’d never seen him cry like this. It was actually starting to scare me a bit.
I spent the next three days in bed, with the blinds shut. Alex worked out of the house on Thursday and Friday to take care of Gabby and me.
“Was it my fault the baby went away,” Gabby asked when I tried to explain what had happened.
“Of course not. That’s crazy.”
“Maybe it didn’t want to have me as a sister so it went away. Maybe I shouldn’t have screamed so much. Maybe I scared the baby. I’m sorry. I’ll be better.”
I started to cry. “No. The baby was in the wrong place. It was so small. The size of a piece of rice. But we’ll get it to come back. I promise. We’ll give you a little brother or sister.”
“I don’t think I want a brother.”
I slept a lot. I’d never felt so tired in my life. I didn’t dream. I’d sleep, wake up, get out of bed, take a shower, and feel totally depleted. So I’d go back to bed and fall back into a thick, dreamless sleep.
Little did I know it would be the last dreamless sleep I’d have for a long, long time.
On Saturday, I slept most of the day while Alex took Gabby to a park. When I woke up, I had some energy for the first time. I took a shower, brewed some tea, and sat outside on a teak chaise lounge. I looked out at our incredible view of the valley with its chaparral-covered mountains and hills, its perfect grid of streets, the manicured lawns, each with a backyard pool. Maybe the Valley wasn’t as soulless as I had thought. At
least it wasn’t Calabasas, a few towns over, where every house looked exactly the same.
Maybe I could even start liking the place.
I was suddenly overwhelmed with happiness. I had a husband who loved me, a wonderful little girl, and in about a month, we could start trying to expand our family again.
The door clicked opened and Gabby bounded into the house.
“Mommy, Mommy, Mommy,” she screamed.
“Shhh, let Mommy sleep,” Alex said.
When she saw me on the deck, she squealed, raced toward me, and jumped onto my lap.
“Oww,” I groaned. “Be careful. Mommy’s a little sore.”
“But you’re awake. Yay.” She slathered me with kisses.
“How was the playground?”
“We had fun. Daddy and I did spider on the swing for the longest time. He’s really good, you know. He can go very high high high. Much higher than you.”
“That’s good.”
“Gabby,” Alex said. “Let Mommy rest.”
“Then we played tag, but Daddy couldn’t catch me. And then we got ice cream. Daddy let me get two scoops and I got gummy worms on top. And you know what—”
“Gabby,” Alex said sternly. “Let’s let Mommy rest.”
“Daddy’s famous.”
“Really? Well, that’s nice,” I said.
Alex coughed. “So how are you feeling?”
“A lot bett—”
“It’s really, really, really true. There was a picture of him on the front of a magazine at the ice cream store. Even the man at the counter knew it was Daddy. He said ‘way to go’ and he gave Daddy a thumbs up.”
I looked quizzically at Alex and shook my head in confusion. When she was younger, Gabby would always mistake people on the covers of magazines for Mommy or Daddy. She’d point to a picture of Brad Pitt or Bill Gates and say, “Dada.”
“It’s really, really true. Tell Mommy, Daddy.”
I giggled and rolled my eyes at Alex. But he looked absolutely petrified. His face was bright red. His eyes bulged. He tried to casually shrug.
“You know how it is. You take on a high-profile client. The Enquirer sees you out in public and assumes things. It was bound to happen.”
