by Duncan Ball
Dr and Mrs Trifle were now looking out the front window.
‘I have a confession to make,’ Dr Trifle said.
‘What is it, dear?’
‘I’ve never even heard of the Emergency Weather Warning Agency. Silly of me, isn’t it?’
‘I’m the silly one,’ Selby thought. ‘And I feel guilty — and terrible. I’d better just talk to the Trifles and explain everything.’
Selby stood next to the Trifles and was about to say, ‘All right, I’m the one who put the upside down arrow on the map and this whole thing is my fault’. He had just opened his mouth when the sky darkened. Selby pressed his nose to the glass and watched as the neighbours dashed into their houses. A sudden roar of wind tore leaves from the trees and whistled through TV aerials making a deafening drone.
‘The cyclone has hit!’ Mrs Trifle screamed as a sausage roll smashed against the window.
‘So it has,’ Dr Trifle said, watching as the air filled up with lettuce, lamingtons, lemon slices and lollies. ‘It’s a good thing we got that warning because it looked like it hit right at the oval first. Think how many people would have been hurt!’
‘I can’t believe I was right!’ Selby thought. ‘Hector Pascal got it wrong and then I got what he said wrong too. This time two wrongs did make a right!’
JUST FUR ME
To prove I’m not a fuddy-duddy
I think I’ll go round in the nuddy
‘You wouldn’t dare!’ I hear you scoff
Just wait, I’ll take my collar off
And there I’ll be for all to see
Just fuzzy wuzzy little me!
SELBY SMITTEN
A LOVE STORY IN SIX ACTS
Act I: The Beautiful Dog
‘She is gorgeous!’ Selby thought as he pressed his nose to the window. ‘She’s the most beautiful dog I’ve ever seen. Such beautiful fur. Such a lovely face.’
‘The people who moved in across the street are going jogging with their dog,’ Mrs Trifle said to Dr Trifle. ‘Nice people, but they do seem a bit out of place here in Bogusville.’
‘Are you talking about the puppies?’ asked Dr Trifle, looking up from his breakfast.
‘What puppies? I’m talking about Karen and Kevin, our new neighbours.’
‘I’m sure you called them puppies the other day.’
‘No, no, I said yuppies, not puppies. Yuppies are people from the city who spend all their time working and who don’t have children. She came over to say hello yesterday.’
‘Did she?’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Did she say what kind of work they do?’
‘They work at home — something to do with computers and money. One of those Internet things,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘She said that they moved here because life in the country is simple.’
‘Is it?’
‘Well she thought so. Then she asked me which cafe in Bogusville had the best cappuccinos.’
‘You mean those frothy little cups of coffee?’ Dr Trifle said.
‘Yes. She seemed surprised when I said there was only one cafe and they only had normal coffee. She also wanted to know which was the best gym and the best tennis club to join. I had to tell here that there weren’t any.’
‘I guess life here is more simple than in the city,’ Dr Trifle said, thoughtfully. ‘Speaking of puppies — I feel sorry for their dog.’
‘Equity is her name,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Why do you feel sorry for her?’
‘Equity, Equity, Equity,’ Selby thought, saying her name over and over in his head. ‘I’ll bet it’s the name of some ancient goddess. The goddess of beauty — or love. Oh Equity! Oh Equity! Oh Equity! I think I feel a poem coming on:
‘Her fur shines like the morning dew
It shimmers when she prances, too
It looks great from every angle
It’s loose and smooth and doesn’t ever
seem to tangle.’
‘She looks a bit lonely,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘She just lies around the front yard all day. I wonder if she’d get along with Selby.’
‘Oh, I hope so,’ Selby sighed. ‘My little heart is going to burst! I’m so in love I could faint. Or maybe I’ll swoon. Swooning sounds safer than fainting.’
As the joggers turned the corner at the end of the street the graceful dog turned her head, briefly.
‘She’s looking this way!’ Selby thought, fighting the urge to wave to her. ‘I wonder if she noticed me.’
Selby had visions of a glorious romance. Selby and Equity. Equity and Selby. He imagined himself scribbling their names on fences and drawing hearts around them.
‘I’ve got to make her fall in love with me,’ Selby thought. ‘Hmmm, how will I do it?’
Act II: Selby’s Plan
The next morning Selby slowly crossed the street to where Equity lay with her head on her paws.
‘What if she can’t stand the sight of me?’ he thought. ‘What if I can’t get her to notice my inner qualities? What if she bites me? Oh, look at her. She’s even more beautiful close up. My thoughts are spinning around in my head! I can hardly focus my eyes! I’m in agony — but it’s wonderful. Here comes another poem:
‘Oh heart, oh heart, oh I’ve been smitten
If love’s a bite, then I’ve been
bitten I’m all confused and I’m in pain!
Hang on! I think it bit me on the brain!’
‘What’s the best thing about me?’ Selby wondered. ‘Well, I’m not the most handsome dog in the world — and I’m short. But I have a good personality. That’s it! Hmmm, how do I show her my personality? I know: I’ll teach her to talk and then I’ll tell her Gary Gaggs’ jokes and things like that.’
‘Equity?’ Selby said out loud. ‘Equity?’
Equity gave him a startled stare.
‘My name is Selby,’ Selby said, pointing to himself.
Equity blinked and then looked at him again.
‘Try to say “Selby",’ Selby went on. ‘Ssssssssssss. Put your teeth together and your tongue at the top of your mouth and then blow. Sssssssss, like that. Ssssssssseeeeellllllllby.’
Equity tilted her head this way and that but didn’t make a sound.
‘Sorry. Didn’t mean to confuse you,’ Selby said. ‘How about saying “great” Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!’
‘Grrrrrrrrrrr,’ Equity growled back, adding a couple of barks.
‘Okay, stay cool,’ Selby said. ‘Now try putting an “ate” on it. Grrrrrrrrrr-ate!’
‘Grrrrrrrrrr!’ Equity growled.
‘Hang on, this isn’t anger, it’s English. Say “Selby is grrrrrrrr-ate"!’
‘ Grrrrrrrrrr,’ Equity growled again.
‘This isn’t working.’
Selby was just wondering what to do next when he heard a voice behind him.
‘Kevin! Could you come here!’ Karen said.
Soon Kevin appeared.
‘What’s the problem?’
‘Equity was growling. I think this dog from across the street was bothering her.’
‘Bothering her?!’ Selby thought. ‘I wasn’t bothering her.’
‘She seems happy enough now,’ Kevin said.
‘Well maybe. But look at the state of him. He looks like he hasn’t had a bath for … for days’
‘Days?’ Selby thought. ‘I haven’t had a bath for months — and I’m proud of it.’
‘And that fur looks like it’s never seen shampoo,’ Karen added, ‘or conditioner.’
‘He is a bit unkempt,’ Kevin agreed. ‘And he has doggy odour.’
‘I’ll bet he has fleas,’ Karen said.
‘Fleas? Really?’ Kevin said. ‘Then we can’t have him around Equity. If he comes here again I think we’ll have to ask the Trifles to tie him up. Hey, you!’ he said, turning to Selby. ‘Shoo! Go home!’ Selby started back across the street. ‘Fleas? Doggy odour?’ he thought. ‘I’m a dog, for pity’s sake. What do they expect?’
The next day Selby stayed in the Trifles’ front yard moping.
&n
bsp; ‘Poor Equity,’ he thought. ‘She needs me but I’m not even allowed to go near her. Now I’ll never get her to fall in love with me.’
Selby let these thoughts spin around and around in his head the way thoughts often do and then, suddenly, they came to a screeching stop.
Act III: Selby Gets Kempt
‘That’s it!’ he thought. ‘They don’t like me because they think I’m unkempt. I’m going to fix myself up. When I finish, I’ll be so kempt that they’ll want me around all the time. And,’ he added, as a smile flickered across his lips, ‘Equity won’t be able to resist me.’
Selby waited till the Trifles were out and filled the bathtub with warm water.
‘Sheeeesh,’ he thought. ‘I hate baths so this one’s for you, Equity. How about a little bubble action?’ he said, pouring bubble bath into the water.
Selby whipped off his collar and eased himself into the tub.
‘This isn’t so bad,’ he thought. ‘In fact, it’s kind of nice. Rub a dub dub, a dog in a tub,’ he sang as he grabbed the soap. ‘Wait! I should be using shampoo — and that conditioner stuff.’
In a few minutes, Selby was out of the tub and drying himself with a towel. Then he dried himself some more with Mrs Trifle’s hair dryer. Then he grabbed Dr Trifle’s toothbrush and brushed his teeth till they sparkled.
‘Hello, handsome,’ he said, looking in the mirror. ‘Anybody want a date?’
In seconds, Selby was across the street.
‘Hiya, Equity, baby. Here I am again — your dream dog. Have a look and get ready to fall in love.’
Selby turned around like a model in front of her.
‘Have a whiff,’ Selby said, putting his paw in front of her nose. ‘It’s called Evening Serenade. Isn’t that romantic?’
But Equity just put her head down again and closed her eyes.
Act IV: Selby Tries Again
‘That does it!’ Selby thought. ‘Forget this Mister-nice-smelling-pooch stuff, I’m going to teach her to talk the same way I learned to talk — by watching TV.’
Selby looked around to make sure no one was listening.
‘Equity,’ he said. ‘Come here. Follow me.’
Equity opened her eyes and gave him a blank stare.
‘Come! Equity, come!’ Selby said, starting across the street. ‘Come here!’
Equity followed Selby across the street. He had one last look around before he opened the front door and let her in. Then he turned on the TV and put a tape in the video recorder.
‘This is Hearthwam Heath,’ Selby said. ‘It’s really sad but you’ll love it. This is the bit I was watching when I suddenly realised I could understand people-talk. And it’s going to work for you, too, because I know you’re a sensitive dog.’
Equity lay on the carpet while Selby watched his favourite part of Hearthwarm Heath. Finally they got to where Basil the Butler was supposed to send the orphan girl out into the snow.
‘This always gets to me,’ Selby thought as he wiped away a tear. ‘I wonder if Equity thinks it’s sad, too.’
Just then Selby heard Equity sniffle. She sniffled once, she sniffled twice and then she sniffled again.
‘It’s working!’ Selby said. ‘Equity! You must understand what’s going on! You must understand English now! You understand me now, don’t you? Equity, I love you. But don’t try to speak. It’s all too soon, darling. You can tell me that you love me later after you’ve practised talking for a while.’
Equity’s sniffle turned into a sniff. She got up and sniffed the air, then followed the smell to Selby’s bowl which was filled with Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits. In a second, she’d gobbled the lot. Selby looked on in disbelief.
‘Oh, no, you weren’t sad after all. You were just hungry. Oh, Equity! How can you stand those awful things?!’ Selby felt his feelings for Equity slipping away. ‘Selby, you’re being very very silly,’ he said to himself. ‘Tell me that she’ snot shallow. Tell me she’s not just a hairdo on legs.’
Act V: Selby Tries to Forget Equity
‘There’s something odd about Selby,’ Mrs Trifle said, later that day. ‘He smells different. I don’t know what it is. He even feels different when you pat him.’
‘I am different,’ Selby thought. ‘That’s the problem. I’m not a dog anymore. Not quite dog and not quite person. I wish I’d never learned to talk. If I was just a dog dog then maybe Equity would like me. Now I wish I’d never met her either. I’m just going to have to snap out of it and put her out of my mind.’
A minute later the doorbell rang. Mrs Trifle opened it and there was Karen looking a bit upset.
‘Equity’s gone missing,’ she said. ‘We’ve driven all around and we can’t find her.’
‘That’s terrible,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Don’t worry, she’ll turn up. She does have a collar with your phone number on it, doesn’t she?’
‘Yes, but I’m still worried,’ Karen said. ‘Oh, listen, I meant to ask you earlier, which is the best cable TV network to get?’ ‘I beg your pardon?’
‘We want to get cable TV. All we get is two TV stations and they’re kind of fuzzy.’
‘There’s no cable TV here,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Just two stations. If one gets too fuzzy we just turn to the other one. It’s simple. Life here really is quite simple.’ ‘Yes, I guess it is.’
Selby lay there thinking of Equity. ‘Mrs Trifle is right — she’ll probably turn up. But she’s a city dog. I don’t think she understands the country. And if she’s lost on Gumboot Mountain, she could be lost forever. I’d better go looking. And here I am trying to forget her!’
Selby headed down streets and across fields till he reached the woods near Gumboot Mountain. All the while he called her name and listened. ‘Equity! Equity! Come here!’
Finally he heard a distant bark.
‘That’s her bark!’ he thought. ‘I’d recognise it anywhere.’
Selby made his way through a valley until he found Equity standing on the other side of a muddy ditch. When she saw him, she wagged her tail furiously.
‘Come here!’ Selby said. ‘Come on!’
She started down into the ditch but stopped and looked up helplessly at Selby.
‘It’s just a little mud,’ Selby said. ‘Come on.’
Equity put her paw out onto the mud and then stepped back and barked at it.
‘Oh, for goodness’ sake,’ Selby said. ‘Here, I’ll help you.’
Selby stepped into the mud, sinking up to his belly.
‘Crumbs! This is deep.’
Selby struggled towards Equity. Suddenly, when he was halfway there, she leapt from her side and landed right in the middle of his back. In a second, he was up to his ears in the mud.
‘Hey! Get off me!’ he thought (but couldn’t say because his mouth was full of mud). ‘You’re drowning me!’
As quickly as she’d landed on him, Equity jumped off again to the other side of the ditch. Selby struggled back and lay there spitting out mud and gasping for breath.
‘Okay, okay,’ he said. ‘You got to the other side. That’s the important thing. Now let’s go home.’
Twenty minutes later Karen saw Equity and Selby walking down the street.
‘Equity!’ she cried. ‘You’re back! Oh, goodness! Look at your feet — they’re all muddy. Kevin! Bring a wet towel, quickly!’ Then Karen noticed the mud-covered Selby. ‘You did this, didn’t you?!’ she said. ‘You led her away!’
‘Give me a break,’ Selby thought. ‘I saved her life. So this is what I get for trying to help.’ ‘Hey, you, shoo!’ Kevin cried. ‘You’re filthy!’ Selby was about to go home. ‘He’s right,’ he thought. ‘I am a bit muddy.’ With this Selby shook himself, covering Kevin and Karen from head to foot in mud.
‘You disgusting dog!’ Karen screamed. ‘Get out of here!’
Selby smiled to himself as he pranced across the street. He knew that the mud that was left in his fur would soon dry and he’d be himself again.
Act VI: The Final
Curtain
A week later Dr and Mrs Trifle and Selby watched as the removalists filled the van with Karen and Kevin’s furniture.
‘I don’t think they liked it here,’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘Yes, I suspect that the simple life was just a bit too simple for them,’ Dr Trifle said.
Equity stopped as she was about to get into the car and looked over at Selby. And Selby looked at Equity. Then suddenly she wagged her tail. She got into the car and looked at him through the window.
‘She finally noticed me!’ Selby thought. ‘And now she’s going. This is a tragedy! This is a catastrophe!’
Selby watched Equity and Equity watched Selby as the car made its way down the street and finally disappeared around the corner.
‘Hang, on, what am I saying? It’s all very sad but, let’s face it, it had to end. She’s a lovely dog but she just isn’t the dog for a talking, thinking, feeling dog like me.’
Paw note: Which just means that I fell in love (yes, again!).
S
Paw note: To see how I learned to talk, read the first story in the book Selby’s Secret.
S
SELBY SLAMMED
‘See you later, Selby,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘We’re off to a play rehearsal for the afternoon so you’ll be here all by yourself. I hope that’s okay.’
‘Sometimes I think that you think Selby understands what you’re saying,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘You talk to him like he’s a person.’
‘Maybe he does understand me,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Pets know more than you think.’
‘Well in that case,’ Dr Trifle said, patting Selby, ‘we’ll be rehearsing with the Bogusville Stage–Stompers. We hope you have a delightful afternoon. Wish us luck because we haven’t learned our lines properly yet.’
