by Dona Sarkar
Leah set her spoon down immediately. Cellulite? What the heck was cellulite? It sounded contagious. She certainly didn’t want to catch it.
She was suddenly knocked out of her chair with a sharp jab in between her shoulder blades. “I see you’re drinking one percent. Is that ’cause you think you’re fat? ’Cause you’re not. You could be drinking whole milk if you wanted to.”
Leah had never been so grateful for a shoulder-blade bruise.
She spun around to face a pair of impish black eyes and answered reflexively. “Napoleon Dynamite.”
“Said by?”
“Napoleon!”
“Score.” Jay Dalal grinned. Leah’s best friend and verbal sparring partner. They shared a love of basketball, cooking pasta and movie quotes, always trying to one-up each other in all three categories. She was surprised he was talking to her in front of the cheerleaders. He couldn’t stand any of them, especially Shazan. He was convinced the squad had the combined IQ of bread.
“Hey.” Jay nodded in Jennifer Chan’s direction casually. Except for one.
Jennifer gave him a flirtatious smile. “Haven’t seen you in a while.”
“Call you tonight,” Jay murmured, barely audible to anyone else.
Jennifer raised an eyebrow and giggled. Leah froze. Was this actually getting serious?
She caught Shazan’s eye from across the table. Her friend smiled sympathetically and shrugged.
It’ll never last, her mischievous eyes seemed to say.
Better not.
“Leah, you need a ride home or what?”
Leah’s stomach burned and suddenly she felt the overwhelming desire to chuck Shazan’s now-melted frozen yogurt at the back of Jay’s head. He was such a hypocrite. First he complained that all of Leah’s new friends were ditzes and bimbos. Then he went and fell for one of them, shoving Leah to the wayside.
“I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” she called to the girls as she followed Jay out to the car.
“Jackass,” she mumbled under her breath, not knowing if she was talking to Jay or herself.
“What’d you say?” Jay pushed his sunglasses over his eyes and beeped to find his car in the lot, his worn-out flip-flops swishing on the hot sidewalk.
“Nothing,” Leah muttered.
“Come over for dinner tonight. Ma’s making tikkas. The lamb ones you like.” Jay opened the car door for her. Ever the gentleman.
She hated him sometimes. The way he made unruly black hair, an American Eagle T-shirt and a pair of cargo shorts look cool instead of sloppy. The way he looked at her with one eye half narrowed as if he was trying to read her mind. The way he never looked at her quite the way she looked at him.
Jay had moved to Sonoma the first year of high school. He was sprawled casually on the bleachers in gym class the first day of school their freshman year and had made a sideways comment that girls couldn’t throw. Leah had instantly challenged him to a game of one-on-one, managed to kick his ass without trying and after discovering they lived across the street from each other, had been friends ever since.
And then just to ruin everything, sometime in between the Homecoming Dance where they’d gone together as friends, and Jay’s first date with Jennifer, Leah had suddenly and painfully fallen in love with him. Now she couldn’t look at Jay without imagining how his well-defined lower lip would feel pressed against hers. Or his hands on her—
She blushed again and forced her attention to what Jay was saying as he started the car. Jay had gone out with Jennifer twice already and, from the looks of today, would be seeing her again that weekend. She had to forget about it. Their friendship wasn’t worth ruining over some stupid crush.
“You coming to dinner or what?”
“Of course I am. Tell your mom she’ll get someone who really appreciates her food tonight.”
Jay flicked her cheek. “Jackass.”
One day he would realize they were meant to be together. It was like that song, “Save the Best for Last.” Eventually he would realize that he always came to her with his girl troubles and what he was looking for was right in front of him.
Someday anyway.
But for today, Jay Dalal was nothing more than her next-door neighbor and best friend and she would have to deal with that.
two
Ready to Wear
“Lynnette, you better be home!” Leah heard her mother’s voice brimming with excitement as the front door slammed.
Lynnette. Leah hated being called her full name. It wasn’t her. Never had been. Probably never would be. “Lynnettes” were always petite blond valedictorians who did volunteer work on weekends at the Humane Society and watched their carbs at mealtime. Like the Lynnette on Desperate Housewives with the kids and the job and the husband and the friends. Puke. Certainly not female basketball players who spent the evening munching on Choco Pies out of the box with her cat Espresso Bean and watching reruns of Alias instead of doing biology homework.
Leah hit the Pause button on the DVD player. Sydney Bristow had just been about to diffuse a bomb and save SD-6 from Quentin Tarantino. She would have to pause Sydney and superhottie Vaughn in the midst of their sizzling chemistry to see what her mother was giddy about.
“Living room, Mama.” Leah shooed Espresso Bean off the couch. Her mama hated cat hairs on the furniture and had threatened to send Beanie to the pound more than once. But Leah had rescued the ratty old brown cat from a Dumpster last year and had fallen in love with her instantly.
Victoria Mandeville swept into the room and deposited a large sea-foam-colored shopping bag onto the leather couch.
“I have news.” Her mother’s eyes gleamed even brighter than their usual amber-gold as she kissed Leah on both cheeks. “You’ll never guess what.”
“You met Snoop Dogg.” Leah reached for the bag. What had her mother brought her this time? “Oh, Mama. No!”
Leah held up a cobalt-blue dress with a fluttery bias-cut skirt. She would be a whale in this dress. An ashy whale at that. The dress was something her forty-five-year-old, Tyra Banks–look-alike mother would look stunning in, but not Leah. Never Leah. Bright colors completely washed out Leah’s complexion, but made her mother glow—like every other color.
“Much better than Snoop Dogg, right?” Victoria grabbed the dress and flicked it in the air in front of Leah, like a bullfighter. “Listen, Jade magazine has a benefit in a few months for ozone-layer protection at the NELL. The agency would like to send me, of course, but they also asked for you. This is the dress you’ll wear.”
NELL? Natural Environmental Something Library? Her mother’s modeling agency, Artisan Faces, was really trying to go the California one-with-the-earth route, sending their top models to these things. The agency was run by the extremely fashionable and social-savvy Alfreddo Riviera, who had glared at Leah disdainfully at the last benefit when during dinner she’d dared to actually finish her steak. Why on earth would he request Leah’s presence again?
“Uh, is this another tree-hugging protest thing where there’ll be no tree hugging or protesting?” Leah reached for the remote control again. The last good-for-the-earth benefit she’d attended with her mother had had nothing to do with saving dolphins or trees. Instead, skinny women had stood around in clusters discussing shoes and rich husbands, not to mention gossiping about who looked pregnant and who obviously had had a little “something something done.”
Leah had spent the evening next to the buffet table sneaking cookies and trying every single kind of dessert, much to her mother’s chagrin.
“We are absolutely going to go to this one.” Victoria slapped the remote out of Leah’s hand. “In January’s issue of Jade, there’s a special on mothers and daughters. You and I are going in be in that issue. It’s your ‘in’ into the modeling world, I’ll make sure of that.”
Leah raised an eyebrow. Was her mother planning to birth and raise another daughter to adulthood in the next few months? Because that was the only way Victoria had any chance of be
ing in the shoot.
“You won’t believe some of the famous mother-daughter combos that Jade will be photographing. I’m talking Goldie and Kate, Kathy and Paris, Demi and Tallulah…”
Tallulah? Who named their kid Tallulah?
“Mama, please.” Leah rolled her eyes and stood up. She knew her mother had dreams of having a daughter who was poised, beautiful and, above all, thin to follow in her graceful footsteps. But Victoria had to realize by now that Leah was not that person.
“Plus, they’re going to take one nonfamous duo.” Victoria ignored her and continued gushing, the platinum bracelets on her wrists jangling as she tugged at her perfectly pressed hair. “All the mothers in the agencies around L.A. are dragging their daughters to the gala to make a good impression on the Jade people. This is our big break! Can you imagine what it will do to my career if we’re on the same page as Kate and Goldie? Not to mention yours! You and I, mother-daughter modeling combo who look like sisters. It’ll be awesome!”
Leah wrinkled her nose. Awesome?
“You mean badass. Awesome is, like, 1997 or something.”
“Fine, it’ll be badass. We need to do something about your hair. I’m sure Ramon can—”
“I got bio to do. Why don’t you go adopt someone? Get Shazan. She’d love to do it.” Leah patted her mother’s shoulder. “Nice try, but I’m too big. And not interested.”
Victoria rested a hand on her hip. “This is your big break, little girl. We need to start thinking about your future. You and I have a chance to work with the best and we are going to take it. Now, I’m pulling the mom card. You’re going and you’re going to like it!”
“I’m going to be a basketball player. For UCLA. Isn’t that right, Beanie? A basketball player!” Leah scooped Beanie into her arms. The cat rolled into a ball and started to purr. “That’s right. Your mama is going to kick ass on the courts. Yes, she is.”
“You’re too beautiful to not be a model, okay? It’s in your genes.” Victoria wrinkled her nose at the cat, who glared in her direction.
“You’re obviously nuts,” Leah grumbled as the phone rang, interrupting the tirade she had been about to unleash.
“Watch your mouth, young lady. Do not make me wash your mouth out with soap.”
“No one says that anymore either. How are you ever going to be cool without learning what’s up?” Leah reached across the kitchen counter and grabbed her cell phone before Victoria could retort.
Jay’s name showed on the caller ID. Her hero.
“Leah?”
“No, your mama.” She did another eye roll. Was stupidity contagious today?
“Ha, ha. Gotta minute?”
Leah turned her back to her mother. His tone was serious. “Yeah, uh, it’s fine. What up?”
“Just talked to Jenn.”
“Who?”
“Jennifer. Jennifer Chan. Cheerleader. Valedictorian. Asian. Pretty—”
“Yeah, yeah, I get it. What about her?” Leah’s smile disappeared. Of course. She was the sounding board for all of Jay’s girl woes. Whenever he was serious, there had to be a girl involved.
“I want to ask her to the Snow Ball.”
Leah’s breath caught and the first word that flew out of her mouth was “Why?”
Jay was silent.
“Uh, I mean, why now? It’s, like, thr-three months away,” Leah stuttered, mentally slapping herself. If she kept this up, there was no way she could keep her feelings a secret. And if any of the cheerleaders were to find out or the basketball players, she would have to change schools to get away from the laughter.
“I know, I know. It’s months away. But you know. I don’t want her to go with someone else. Can you do me a favor?”
Leah grabbed Beanie before the cat had a chance to jump up on the kitchen counter where a carton of ice cream was melting. Say no. Say no. Say no. “Sure, what?”
God, she was a wuss. One of these days she was going to get up enough of a spine to say a firm “no!” to her mother and “I love you and always will” to Jay. That day was obviously not today.
“Can you find out if Jenn’s going with someone already?”
“Jay, it’s October. I doubt someone has reserved her already.”
“Still, could you?”
“Fine,” Leah muttered, chomping on her finger-nails to keep the sarcasm out of her voice. “But if she thinks I’m asking her out, I’m gonna kick your ass.”
“Thanks, babe.”
Babe. The tone he said the flirtatious word with was anything but flirtatious.
“Pick you up in the morning?”
“Sure. Whatever.” Leah hung up and studied her broken and bleeding nail, surprised by her anger at him. They’d been friends for three years. How was he supposed to know she wanted a change of status quo? It wasn’t as if she had told Jay her feelings. Or even hinted at them. If she was thin and beautiful and smart…yeah, she would have told him by now. She stared down at her bloated stomach. But not like this.
Leah set her cell phone back into the charger.
“Lynnette.”
“Mama, I’m really not in the mood.” Leah set Beanie back on the floor and dropped down beside her. She rubbed the cat’s belly. At least this little creature loved her just the way she was.
“Why don’t you tell him how you feel, huh? He’s always up in here. He’s got something for you. It’s obvious.”
Leah’s cheeks burned as she stood up. There went the theory that she’d been discreet. Shazan knew. Her mom knew. It was only a matter of time before Jay found out, too.
“You won’t understand, Mama. He likes those thin little cheerleader girls. Like Jennifer.” Leah flopped down on the couch again.
“She pretty?” Victoria folded the blue dress and set it inside the bag.
“Yeah.”
“Pretty as you?” Her mother leaned her elbows on the headrest of the couch and stared at Leah.
“Much more so.”
“That’s just not possible. Look at you! Those eyes, this hair…and, God, girl, your height!” Victoria carefully undid Leah’s hair out of its usual bun. “You’re made for modeling.”
“Being tall doesn’t make a girl a model,” Leah muttered, sinking back into the couch.
“And why not? Alfreddo saw you at the Glamour-atti Gala last month and asked if you were a model! He was all kinds of convinced.”
Leah raised her eyebrow. She seriously doubted her mother’s boss, the man who had discovered models that regularly walked the runways in Milan, girls with names like Lissandra and Kennedy, found her beautiful.
Leah gave her mother a look. “His exact words please?”
Victoria’s voice was barely audible. “…size modeling or something like that.”
Leah’s face stung. Plus-size modeling? Modeling for fat girls?
Suddenly, she felt nauseated. Maybe the Choco Pies hadn’t been the best idea.
“It was that dress. I told you empire waist didn’t suit you. Did you listen to me, little girl? No, you didn’t.”
“Yeah, it must’ve been the dress. Couldn’t have been my fat ass.” Funny, she’d never thought of herself as fat. Just big-boned. Maybe she’d been in denial all these years.
She was good at sports, funny, decently smart. Yet she didn’t have a boyfriend or a posse of friends as Shazan did. The day Shazan became tiny, her life changed. Maybe the same thing could happen for Leah.
“Come on, baby. If you lost, like, ten pounds, you could easily wear anything you wanted.” Victoria seemed to be reading Leah’s mind, while stroking her scalp. “You just need that extra confidence. I bet that boy would notice you in no time if you were on the cover of Jade magazine.”
Victoria was manipulating her. That was obvious. But she seemed to have a point.
Leah’s eyes fell on the various pictures around their house. Her beautiful mother…and her. Dumpy, fading-into-the-background her. Not being “pretty” had never bothered her before. But why shouldn’t she
have everything the other girls had? If it was just ten pounds keeping her from having it all, why not go for it?
“I’ll think about it. I gotta do homework.” Leah scooped Espresso Bean over her shoulder and started to head to her room. “But don’t count on me. Find another daughter. A thin one.”
“Tried and failed. Back to you, little girl,” Victoria called up the stairs.
Leah wasn’t sure if she was kidding or not.
That night, Leah couldn’t concentrate on algebra. Her mother’s, Shazan’s and Jay’s words all swirled around in her brain. Snow Ball. Ten pounds. Diet pills. Size of a horse.
That’s it.
Leah held her breath as she stepped on her mother’s scale.
Two hundred pounds.
Yeah, that was heavy. That was heavier than most of the guys she knew. It probably wasn’t even healthy.
From tomorrow on, no more junk food, no more sitting around after school. Hell, maybe she would go to the gala. If she could manage to not look like the Marshmallow Man in the skinny blue dress, that was. She had two weeks. Who knew? With enough hard work, maybe she would get up enough nerve to ask Jay to the Snow Ball.
She would diet like the other girls and maybe soon she would actually look like them. Leah reached into her pocket and pulled out the shiny pink pill Shazan had given her. She set the pill on the edge of her tongue and swallowed without even a glass of water.
Everything would be different soon. She would show everyone.
three
Misery
198 lbs
“Hey! You look different. That shirt doesn’t make you look as pretty as usual.” Leah grinned as she slid into the passenger seat of Jay’s silver Mustang. “Ah, never mind. It was just the light. You’re still freaking metro.”
“‘I have to warn you, young lady, I am susceptible to flattery.’” Jay raised an eyebrow, his question obvious.
“Kill Bill,” Leah answered automatically.
“Volume?”
“Two.”
“Said by?”
