Matt said, very formally, “I’m sorry for your family.”
Numb, she nodded. “Thank you.”
His gaze stayed on her face for a moment, his gray eyes intense. Then he gave a clipped nod, stood and walked away.
As Linnea steered her grieving mother and her weary, stooped father out of the courtroom, she caught a last glimpse of Matt shaking the prosecutor’s hand. Inside, he must be rejoicing.
And me? What do I feel?
Linnea didn’t know, only that nothing would ever be the same for any of them.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
HANNA TOOK THE NEWS of her father’s conviction quietly. Too quietly.
Linnea explained that they didn’t yet know how long Finn’s sentence would be.
“He’s selling the house,” she said. “He has to pay all the lawyers who defended him. And…it would sit empty anyway, which isn’t good.”
Hanna looked up at her. “If Daddy is going to jail, do I get to stay with you?”
Linnea gave her a swift hug. “You bet. Or…” Would Matt contest for custody now? On a cramp of alarm, she thought, Of course he will. He wanted to raise his niece the way he had her mother. What was more, he’d have a better case now that Hanna knew and loved him. He had a good job right here in Seattle, he could afford to give Hanna anything she needed, and a judge might well believe she’d be safer and better off with Tess’s brother than with Finn’s sister. Finn’s family wouldn’t look very good right now. Trying to keep distress from her voice, she said, “Or maybe Uncle Matt.”
Part of her wanted Hanna to clutch her desperately and cry, “You! I want you, Aunt Linnie!” But she didn’t. She only nodded and asked whether she could watch TV. Linnea, drained, agreed. Later, she’d have to drag Hanna along to take care of the Dorman’s elderly cocker spaniel, but maybe by then a walk would be good for both of them.
Hanna seemed much as usual in the morning, if still rather quiet and introspective. Linnea dropped her at school and went in to work herself. She was startled, at noon, to be told she had a visitor. She came out to find her father waiting at the reference desk.
“Dad!”
“Linnie.” He gave her one of his grave, gentle smiles. “I’m hoping you can have lunch with me.”
“Of course I can. Let me tell Susan where I’m going.”
He let her pick the restaurant, and she chose a nearby small café. Not until they were seated and had ordered did she ask, “Where’s Mom?”
“She’s not herself today. She planned to lie down.”
Her energetic mother rarely napped, but the trial would have exhausted her and now, with its devastating conclusion, she must be crushed.
Either that, Linnea thought ruefully, or she hadn’t wanted to see her daughter.
“Do you know how Finn is doing?”
“He seems resigned.” Her father frowned, as if puzzled. “I think his own culpability, whatever that may be, has finally caught up with him.”
Linnea nodded. She’d guessed the same after his odd phone call to Hanna. She noticed that her father was careful not to say how much culpability he thought Finn actually bore. It would be awful, as a parent, to believe your child could commit a brutal crime.
“I asked you to lunch,” Paavo said, “because I need to tell you how deeply I regret not taking your part more with your mother.”
Alarmed, she laid her hand over his. “Dad, you don’t need to do this.”
“Yes, I do. What you said to your mother that day in the parking garage laid bare all my faults. No,” he said, stopping her from interrupting, “I know you were talking to her, not to me. But I can’t deny that I saw what was happening and did nothing.”
Stricken, Linnea stared at him. “I always knew I could count on you. Sometimes I wished…” Her throat seemed to close and she said in a hurry, “But I’m fine. You can see I’m fine.”
He shook his head. “No, you’re not. You should have a successful career, be married, maybe have started a family. You deserved everything and more that your brother got.”
Linnea sat still for a moment. She looked at him with a lifetime’s heartbreak and bewilderment she could no longer contain. In a small, bleak voice, she asked, “Does Mom hate me?”
His eyes were full of grief. “No! Of course not. Never doubt your mother loves you.” He’d aged, too, she saw with that new clarity. His thick hair had thinned, his complexion had acquired a gray tint and bags sagged beneath his eyes. “It’s more complicated than that, Linnie.”
“Then what?” she asked. No, begged.
“You never met your grandparents.”
She shook her head. She did know her uncle, although not well because he lived in Houston and Mom and he had never been close.
“I had the sense that Robert was her parents’ favorite. Your mom desperately wanted a son first. She wouldn’t even talk about the possibility of having a girl, not with that first pregnancy. It was as if she had to have a boy to prove her own worth in a way I didn’t understand. I don’t know.” He shook his head sorrowfully. “I’m afraid our family ended up mirroring your mother’s. You stood in for her. I think, Linnie, without knowing what she was doing, she turned on you everything she felt for herself. Maybe she couldn’t bear to give you what she hadn’t been given herself. I don’t know,” he said again. “She was different when we met. It wasn’t until Finn was born that she changed. He triggered something in her. I could never make her see—” He stopped and looked at her with bitter honesty. “But I didn’t try as hard as I should have. I was proud of Finn, too. He was a beautiful baby. All parents brag, don’t they? But I loved you as much when you were born, Linnie, you must believe that. I thought your mother did, too, until…there were small things. Somehow, I never let myself see how bad it was. It was easier to leave the raising of you kids to her.”
The waitress brought their food, although neither of them reached for silverware or napkin.
“I never blamed you.” She hated seeing her beloved father torn by guilt, and yet…It helped, somehow, to know it wasn’t all in her mind. To learn that her mother had been damaged long before her second-born child came along. Linnea could have been brilliant and beautiful, and it wouldn’t have mattered because she was a girl. Or maybe because she was second, and Finn had already claimed everything Mom had to give.
Was it true that her mother had been venting self-loathing, perhaps truly without understanding what she was doing to her daughter?
“You should blame me,” her father said. “Just…know that I do love you. And that your mother does, too. What you said to her hit hard, you know. I don’t believe she can let herself accept her fault. That kind of self-knowledge might be past bearing. But…since you confronted her, she’s talked to me, some, about her parents and how she felt about her brother. She’s caught a glimpse of patterns. If you’ll give her a chance, Linnie, she may be able to change.”
Could she give her mother another chance? Resentment and hurt seemed to provide the fuel she needed to break free. Was she supposed to feel sorry for Mom?
“I worry about how she treats Hanna,” Linnea said. “I know Mom loves her, but she’s awfully critical, sometimes. And if she starts associating Hanna with me rather than Finn, it might get worse.”
“I know she can be sharp. But she’ll be terribly hurt if you cut her off. Right now, she needs you and Hanna both.”
After a moment, Linnea nodded. “I’ll think about it. That’s all I can promise.”
“I can’t ask for more than that,” he said quietly. “Now, why don’t we eat.”
They did, although neither had much appetite. Partway through her sandwich, she asked, “Why does Mom dislike Matt so much?”
“Perhaps because he saw right through Finn. Your mother’s never liked him, you know.”
“I had that impression.”
“Tess used to talk about him. He sounds like a good man, Linnie. Are you sure you made the right decision?”
For the first
time in this harrowing conversation, tears burned in Linnea’s eyes. “No. I love him, Dad.”
“Then why…?” Worry creased his thin face. “Did you let your mother’s disapproval influence you?”
Had she? Linnea couldn’t be sure. Her panic had awakened almost from the moment she agreed to marry Matt. She thought now it had been made up of a whole stew of ingredients. If her greatest fear had been that he didn’t love her, why hadn’t she asked how he did feel about her?
“I think mostly I was afraid he wanted me only because I won custody of Hanna over him.”
“Are you saying that he thought marrying you was another way of winning?” Her father sounded perturbed.
“That sounds so competitive. I don’t think it was that, exactly.” Her brow creased. “I needed to know that he loved me. Not because I was Hanna’s aunt and I had custody of her. Just me,” she finished sadly.
“Are you sure he doesn’t?”
Thinking of Matt choosing to sit beside her for the verdict, holding her hand in that warm, reassuring clasp, of the way he’d said, “I’m sorry,” Linnea shook her head and whispered, “No.”
Dad surprised her, this man who’d never been very good at expressing emotion himself. He gave her the gentlest smile. “If he does love you, I’m guessing Matt will find a way to let you know.”
Linnea carried that thought with her long after her father had dropped her off at the library and she had returned to checking in books.
Matt hadn’t been happy when she told him she wouldn’t marry him. She’d assumed some of it might be punctured ego. Was it possible she’d wounded him more than she had believed?
Yes, but if he loved her, why hadn’t he ever said so? Especially when she told him she couldn’t marry him without love.
She froze, hearing herself. That sounded an awful lot like she was telling him she didn’t love him. Was that what he’d heard?
She closed her eyes and moaned.
“Are you okay?” she heard someone ask her.
Linnea flushed and turned to see that Susan, the branch librarian, had paused at her side with an armful of books.
“I’m fine,” she said quickly. “I just thought of something dumb I did.” She waved the librarian on. “One of those epiphanies.”
Susan laughed. “Boy, do I know what that’s like.” She went on into her office.
Linnea looked down at the half-full book-drop cart she’d been emptying and thought, It’s a little late for an epiphany. What was done was done.
Recognizing one of her mother’s favorite aphorisms, she wrinkled her nose in distaste. But in this case Mom was right. Or maybe Dad was the one who was right. Matt was an assertive man who wouldn’t give up so easily, not if he really loved her. She thought he would find a way to let her know.
And if he didn’t…Well, she’d have her answer, wouldn’t she?
LINNEA WAS STUNNED AT how quickly the hearing to decide Hanna’s placement was scheduled. They were all to appear before the commissioner again only two weeks after the end of Finn’s trial.
A few days before, Matt asked her and Hanna out to dinner again. This time they went to a small Mexican restaurant, where Hanna was content with a cheese quesadilla.
She was to attend the hearing tomorrow at the commissioner’s request. He wanted to speak to her first, privately.
“Can’t you come in with me, Aunt Linnie?” Hanna asked anxiously. “Or you, Uncle Matt?”
They both shook their heads. Matt said, “I think the commissioner wants to find out who you’d like best to live with. He’s afraid that if I’m with you, you won’t want to hurt my feelings and say Aunt Linnie, or the other way around if she’s with you.”
“Oh.” She pondered that. “So I get to choose?”
“Well…He’s going to consider other factors, too. Like, if you said you wanted to live with your friend Polly’s family, he’d probably say no.”
Hanna gave a small giggle. “I wouldn’t say that!”
Matt was the one to steer the conversation another direction, which relieved Linnea. She thought he’d managed to reassure Hanna, though, for which she was grateful. He seemed to have a gift for talking to her at a level she’d understand, and his strength and certainty were contagious. Linnea felt some days as if she could just soak in confidence from him, as if he shared it freely.
So why hadn’t that worked while they were engaged?
She didn’t expect to see him again until they met before the commissioner. Those last few days felt strange to Linnea, as if she were hovering above watching herself walk through her life as if nothing had changed and nothing would change.
The night before the hearing, she took Hanna to her last swim lesson in this session. No surprise, once past her fear of dunking Hanna had taken like a fish to water. Tonight, she was finishing the advanced beginner class. This summer, she’d be in intermediate.
Linnea settled on the bleachers beside the pool, not bothering to take out her book. Tonight, she’d watch the whole lesson. A few other parents sat scattered over the bleachers, some in pairs, some reading, one mother knitting, a strand of red yarn emerging from the tote at her side to be seized by the clacking needles. Watching Hanna grab another little girl’s hand before both jumped into the water with a splash, Linnea didn’t pay attention to the man who emerged from the men’s dressing room. Not until he was nearly to her and the bleachers were quivering as he climbed did she see that it was Matt.
He’d obviously come from work, and still wore dress pants and a white shirt unbuttoned at the neck, although he’d jettisoned the tie and suit jacket.
“Matt,” she said in astonishment. “I didn’t expect you.”
He sat beside her. “I wanted to see Hanna’s last lesson. Plus…I was hoping to talk to you.”
Something tightened inside her. He wanted to talk to her about tomorrow. Warn her that he was going to fight tooth and nail for custody?
He seemed reluctant to begin though. Elbows braced on his thighs, he looked toward the pool rather than her, but in a way that made her wonder if he even saw Hanna. After a moment he sighed. “I won’t be asking for custody tomorrow.”
She gaped at him, replaying his words to be sure she’d heard him right. “But you wanted her so much.”
He straightened and turned his head to look at her. “She needs you.” There was a long pause. His expression was strained. “Even if I thought I could win, I won’t hurt you, Linnea. I can live with the current visitation.”
Shell-shocked, she whispered, “I don’t understand.”
A flare of some emotion darkened his eyes, and his voice came out sandpaper rough. “I love Hanna, but…” For a moment he looked at her, a moment during which her heart seemed to stop beating. Then he gave his head a shake, said, “I’ve changed my mind about staying. Don’t tell Hanna I came,” and stood and descended the bleachers.
He didn’t look back, just walked into the dressing room and disappeared. Linnea sat completely still, oblivious to the smell of chlorine, the whistles blown by instructors and the splashes and high voices of the kids. All she could do was absorb his words and the expression on his face.
I love Hanna, but…
But what? Was there even the smallest chance he’d started to say, “I love Hanna, but I love you more?”
Breathless with hope, she wondered whether she had the courage to find out.
SO MUCH ABOUT TODAY ECHOED his arrival for the previous hearing, and yet Matt was conscious of how much had changed.
Having gotten here first, he was sitting beside his attorney in the waiting room when the Sorensens arrived in a group. Hanna’s grandparents chose seats across from him again, although this time Paavo bent his head in greeting, which Matt returned with a nod. Linnea and Hanna, hand in hand, came to him to say hello while her attorney, Margaret Robinson, chatted with Shelton.
Linnea was beautiful today in a flowery skirt and white sweater, her hair loose. Only the pearls in her ears were the sam
e. Her smile was soft and her entire look was somehow open, as if she were relaxed in a way he didn’t remember ever seeing her.
“You ready for this, kiddo?” he asked Hanna.
The seven-year-old nodded solemnly. “I practiced what I’m going to say.”
He grinned at her. “Good for you.” Inside, he ached. What if she would have chosen him?
But he knew she wouldn’t. He had begun to believe she loved him, but her aunt Linnie had always been her stability, perhaps the person in all the world who made her feel safest even before her mom’s death. No matter how much she had loved her daughter, Tess, ambitious, creative and restless, hadn’t been as accessible as Linnea, Matt suspected. The realization didn’t sting the way it once would have. No, Hanna would choose Linnea, and that was right for her.
The commissioner himself came out to get Hanna. He greeted the two attorneys, Matt and the Sorensens, then asked Hanna if she was willing to join him for a talk before the proceedings.
Matt smiled at the way she stood, nodded and said, “Uncle Matt said probably you wanted to ask me who I want to live with. So I thought and thought.”
Behind his horn-rimmed glasses, the commissioner’s eyes crinkled even as his mouth stayed grave. “Good for you.”
Back straight, Hanna took his hand and marched into the conference room beside him.
Matt looked over to see Linnea’s misty smile as she gazed after her niece. She murmured, “I would have been so shy at her age. Did you see how brave she was?”
“I saw.”
Paavo smiled, too. “She’s quite a girl, our granddaughter.”
Linnea’s mother said nothing, but she seemed different today, too, he thought. Less starchy, her anger transformed into a kind of bewilderment he understood.
When, not five minutes later, the bailiff poked his head out to ask them all to come in, she faltered as she stood. It was her husband who steadied her and kept a firm hand under her elbow as they went ahead of Matt and his attorney into the room.
Hanna was waiting there, sitting partway down the table, her feet wrapped around the legs of the chair. Linnea went straight to her. Matt started to, as well, then halted. It was her right, not his. After a moment, he made himself turn away, circle the table and sit beside Shelton opposite the Sorensens.
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