“If you ever grab me like that again, it isn’t just a sore jaw you’ll get. There are no second chances with me, Nick. Personally, or professionally. I have the power to break your career and if I wanted to, I could right now. However, I need everyone on this mission, and for that you are lucky. However, the next time you grab me, I will break you in two.
“Whatever we had in the past is gone, get over it. If I ever have a relationship, again it will be with someone I can count on to be there no matter what. You bitched earlier about almost killing me on my last mission, but did you know Phillip only got his major injuries because he sacrificed his chance to escape to save my ass? It was not you, it was him.
“Moreover, even if you were there, I would trust Phillip to save my ass before you. You had your chance to be my knight in shining armor and you left me. That was your choice. It is about time you accept it and move on. I have.”
I turned and walked away, Phillip holding my arm, more to keep me from turning around and beating the shit out of the boy than any sign of affection. I was glad because if Phillip had not been there, I might have done something I would later regret. ‘We need everyone on this mission’ I repeated that to myself in my head over and over. It was working, barely, but working. I sighed and tried to remember why I could not randomly kill people. Why did he have to hold on so tightly to something that was gone?
“You know, it isn’t much excuse for his behavior, but he is madly in love with you, and angry because you’ll be on the front lines and he won’t. He wants to protect you and cannot. Not reasons to act like a jerk, but you are not cooperating with his whole getting back together plan. He’s angry because you don’t need him anymore and he still needs you.”
“Are you a mind reader or something? I was just wondering why he was holding on so tight and making this a worse work environment than it already is.”
Phillip laughed and shook his head.
“No, him and I discussed this earlier. He is not ready to let go of you. Are you sure that you have let go completely? You two might be able to work something out, if you both are willing.”
I looked sideways at Phillip. “Are you serious? You have spent this entire time trying to push us farther apart and now you are playing matchmaker? This is unbelievable. Is there anywhere I can go to get away from talks of relationships, and stick to business? Maybe I should share a room with someone completely work oriented, so others get the hint.”
“I don’t want you two back together… unless it’s what you want. I have my revenge; my life is a blank slate after this. I will retire or keep working; Gabe and I plan to discuss it if we both live through this. You still need to decide what to do. The military has too many rules for you now that you do not have the privateer excuse, you know it’s true. Therefore, you have to make a decision about the direction you want your life to go in as well. I just think you should give it thought and be sure before making any major decisions.”
I nodded. “I know. However, I am sure I do not want the life I used to have. I was never meant to be a sheepherder and housewife. I have too much fire and spunk for that. That’s what Jane always said.”
“She’s right, way too much spark to roll over and play housewife, especially now, after all you have been through. But that doesn’t mean you couldn’t have a relationship with him if you wanted to.”
“Even if I wanted to, you know he’ll always see me as Celeste. Though my roots may be with her, I am not her anymore. I am my own person and I cannot go back now, I do not want to go back. I miss being in love. The feeling is like nothing else in the world. However, I am not Celeste, I am Helen now. I have made myself someone else and I like my stubborn, independent, always the best at everything, self.”
Phillip smiled and nodded. Guess he agreed, or got the joke.
“I cannot have a relationship with someone who refuses to see me as I am. It is just the way it is. I cannot be Celeste and Helen. I choose to be Helen.”
“Well, I like you better as Helen anyway. I don’t think Celeste would be much of a challenge in the shooting department.”
I nodded and laughed. He put his arm around my shoulder, I put mine around his waist, and we walked in to find the food he had saved for me.
It did not end up being much, but it was something. I ate quickly so that I could go back to my room and take a shower. The shower itself was more of a cubicle than a shower, but the water was scalding hot and I loved that. It was perfect to burn away my stress.
Unfortunately, I did not get my shower for a while. I got back to my room, but on the way, was stopped by two people with questions that required detailed explanations. In addition, when I got there, the general was waiting, arms crossed, and leaning against the closet. This was not going to be a good chat.
“Did you have to hit him?”
“So how much did he tell you? Keep in mind, your answer may cost him his life.”
“He didn’t promise you he wouldn’t tell anyone who you were.”
I sighed. This was not going to go well.
“How come you didn’t tell me you two had a thing? I would have kept his ass in Paris preparing for the graduation ceremony, where he belongs.”
I smiled. The general had a unique way of looking at things.
“It was classified. You need to be the galaxy general to make the cut.”
“He doesn’t know either, so don’t give me that shit. This wasn’t classified by military.”
I smiled. “Well then, I guess the fact that you know and aren’t dead yet makes you special, for now.”
He raised an eyebrow. “You think a little thing like you could kill me? I know it was luck that saved your ass from the enemy the first time, and your friend was partially responsible when you went up alone.”
“That was then, sir. This is now.” I walked over to the nightstand and opened the drawer. I had planned to give this to the general anyway, but Gabe had said no, it would ruin the mission. However, I had it and he should know. “This is my real file. Read and get back to me. Or keep it, and after this, when I disappear and retire, you can use it, to explain a lot of unexplainable deaths and missions. Everyone else’s files from my organization are on your desk back at the school. Third drawer down. The one that requires DNA to get in.”
“How’d you manage that?”
I laughed. “Sir, I don’t give away my trade secrets.” I got serious, “and when you read that, you will see why”.
He took it, nodding, and left. Well this was going to suck. Tomorrow we went for it and I still could not get any sleep. I had to track Nick down. This was not going to go well.
I found him and Phillip sparing outside in one of the rings that we had set up. Some others were around doing so as well, to relieve stress. We went off to save the world tomorrow. I watched for a few minutes. Nick was good, but Phillip could do better than what he was doing. If he wanted to, he could have ended this. He was going easy. But then everyone was going easy; we could not afford an accident, to lose a man or woman. We needed every soldier possible.
Phillip saw me and waved with one hand. I waved back. It worked to his advantage and Nick turned to see what was going on. Phillip grounded him and asked for his surrender. Nick gave it and they both stood to brush off. Phillip walked over to talk and Nick followed, at a safe distance.
“What’s up, beautiful?”
I shook my head. We were all going off to die and he could not stop flirting. I would have to find Missy and have her put him in his place. “Your sparring partner forced me to go against Gabe’s wishes. The general has my file. Came to ask me about my previous life as Celeste and how I made general so fast. It was a great conversation, and in all likelihood, I will be stranded on this God-forsaken place when you all leave tomorrow. I’m guessing he won’t kill me, but he isn’t about to let me come since I have been taking orders from a half-breed the last few years.”
Phillip turned to glare at Nick. “What the hell were you thinking? Because
of her background, she knows more about the fight to come than everyone else here put together. You just got her scrubbed from the mission.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do Nick!” I shook my head. “You don’t get it, do you? One of those half-breed creatures I spoke of. One of them was my boss. Don’t you see, they could suspect me of leading them into an ambush and cancel the whole damn thing? If I believed in the cause, I would be willing to die, so they cannot say I would not set up an ambush just because I am here.
“Jane worked for them knowing that they were the doom of humanity. I may not have known the whole time, or even have been positive until the end, but how do they know I am not lying? They don’t. I will be, at best, left in a cell to rot as a traitor. Didn’t you wonder why I only invited people who would not mind spending the rest of their lives hunted as traitors? Jesus Christ, you could have thought about this before you put your stupid grudge before our mission to save the world.”
“Now people are going to get hurt.”
Phillip sounded sure; I was close to total agreement with him. “Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.”
“What are you two talking about?”
He was pissed, but I could also feel his shame coming in waves off him. He had risked this entire mission, and my life, over his damn dead dreams of love. I should not tell him, he would just warn them. I decided to let him wonder, but Phillip was not about to be so nice.
“If they decide to kill her, do you think I’ll just let them? I am not like you. I won’t stand by and figure that she deserves it.”
Nick flinched and Phillip continued.
“If it comes to them abandoning her here, we will steal a jet and get there first, do as much damage as possible. However, if they try to lock her up for a trial and execution later, or just try to kill her, we will fight our asses out and steal a jet. We will have to sabotage the battle cruisers and try to draw the fleet here. We can time it for how long before the cruisers are active again. In all likelihood, we’ll die, but at least we will accomplish what we set out to do.”
Nick was pale looking. I don’t think he liked plan B. Personally, neither did I. I did not want to kill anyone but some aliens. I did not want to have to hurt the people I was trying to save.
“If you kill them, how will they fight when the fleet arrives, if you do manage to send them this way?”
“We will try to injure only, or kill as few as possible, and hope there is enough left over to destroy the fleet.”
“If there isn’t?”
I decided honesty would be best. If we left him, he could warn them we intended to bring the fleet here. They might get help if they called us traitors. “At least the fleet being here will provoke a response from the planets and they will organize for battle. Whether it will be too late or not will not be our concern anymore, because we will all be dead.”
Phillip sneered and turned to taunt Nick.
“You brought this all about just because you are pissed that she doesn’t love you anymore. That’s a bit petty, don’t you think?”
“This has nothing to do with you, Phillip.”
Phillip laughed. “Me shooting up two ships full of people is not my business. I don’t see it.”
I put my hand on Phillip’s arm. “Nick is right, this is between us. You should go inside and start prepping just in case. Make sure you tell Gabe plan B and sniff around the general, see if you can get a sense of the mood up top. Do not worry about me. I intend to end this once and for all.”
Phillip nodded and smiled, leaving me alone with Nick.
“I’m going to be responsible for your second death as well as your first, aren’t I?”
“You weren’t responsible for my first death. Jane, her company and these damn aliens were. If you had been there, they would have just killed you anyway. I accepted that a long time ago. You should too.”
“Learning that the love of your life died alone and suffering, because you abandoned her, isn’t something you get over.”
“But I am not dead.”
“You keep saying Celeste is dead, and she’s the one I loved so deeply.”
I nodded. I could understand his pain. I had loved him so deeply too, I had been torn between relief he had not been there to suffer and anger that he had left me to this torture. I had outgrown the hatred and anger though. I had learned it was not his fault and to place the blame where it should be placed. However, he had not had the luxury of years like those that I had.
My head snapped up and out of my thought process as I felt his hands go through my hair. I almost flinched but held it back. We needed this settled once and for all, flinching would clam him up.
“Nick.”
“Please, for just a second, let me pretend you still love me.”
I sighed and let him run his fingers through my hair and look at me. I supposed it could not hurt, as long as it did not go any farther than that. No sooner had I thought it then he pulled me against him and held me close. I could hear him breathing in the scent of my hair and feel him hugging me so tight, I was afraid he would crack a rib.
“You have no idea how much I missed you. I dreamt about you every night. Sometimes I thought your ghost was haunting me in anger for abandoning you. I hated myself for what I had done. The best thing in my life and I had given it up for this piss poor excuse of a life. I tried to kill myself once.”
I sighed and wrapped my arms around him, hugging him back. He was crying, I could feel the tears on my shoulder and running down my neck. “I know. I almost came to you then. I had my own issues. When you tried to kill yourself. That was right before my first flight mission when my whole flight got kill. I came back to find out about you, and with my flight destroyed, I went back up alone.”
“You shouldn’t have. No one who has ever met you would want your death. I never would have let you go to avenge me.”
I laughed softly. “I was avenging fallen comrades… and I was worried that I was doing the wrong thing when it came to you.”
He pulled back and looked me in the eye. “Why didn’t you come to me then?”
I sighed and tried to look down, but his grip on my face was solid. “I was caught on the enemy ship, about to die, when Phillip saved my ass. Neither of us cared if we died. He lived for revenge, same as I. After spending hours alone, half dead in space, with Phillip talking about our lives, I realized I had the potential to stop things like what happened to him and I from ever happening again. We made a pact then and there to help each other in our revenge.
“I did not want to involve you. I was still in love with you. You getting hurt by trying to make everything up to me, as I knew you would, would have been unbearable. It turns out I was right. You threw yourself into your career and became very successful.”
“I would have rather been with you.”
“I know, but what if you got hurt?”
He smiled. “You don’t think I don’t wonder that every time I look at you now?”
I chuckled. “I suppose you do. But I don’t need you to protect me anymore. I can do it myself now. I have that much at least.”
He sighed. “Just because you don’t need someone to take care of you physically doesn’t mean it isn’t nice to have someone care enough to want to help take care of you.”
I nodded. “I know. But you are in love with an image and I am not it.”
“What do you love then?”
That was not what I had expected. I thought about it. I would not lie to him, not again; it had led to nothing but trouble last time. I could not find an answer though. I had spent so many years burying love, because love meant you had something to lose, and that meant mistakes. “I don’t know. I do not love anything or anyone. Love means you have something to lose. I got out of certain situations, because if you have nothing to lose, you put everything you are into it. If you die, you are not missing anything. So, you do not hold a part of yourself back, thinking about what you have to g
o back to. So, nothing, I guess.”
He sighed. “That is the saddest thing I have ever heard.”
I laughed. “Maybe to you, but I have heard much worse.”
He shook his head and leaned close, touching his lips to mine. I pulled back before he could turn it into a deeper kiss. “What are you doing?”
“Teaching you to love again.”
I was speechless when he touched his lips to mine again. He was gentle and did not force. I did not respond, but let him continue to kiss my lips. He pulled back with a smile on his face.
“You enjoyed this earlier.”
“I was being stupid and I was tired.”
“I don’t think it is stupid to enjoy physical comfort from someone who loves you.”
“It is if you don’t love them back.”
He sighed. He was getting frustrated while trying to seduce me. That was irony for you. I almost smiled but did not want to have to explain it, so I put on my game face. Entirely serious and awaiting his response.
“I think you should let me comfort you anyway. Let me toss and turn all night, wondering how to make you love me again and enjoy this while you can. If we all die tomorrow, I want to know I got to be with you one last time.”
That was what did me in the end. We could die tomorrow. All of us. Was I going to go never feeling someone else’s love for me, or would I give myself to someone I had loved for most of my life? He needed it and I was surprise to find I did as well.
I was not sure how, but we ended up in my room. We did not make hot, passionate love like you read about in romance novels or something. We comforted each other. Took and gave in equal measures. We made sure neither of us would die tomorrow before feeling all the love that there was in this world. If I did not still feel that love for him, he did not notice or mind. I drew from feelings I had once had and let them control me. It was sweet, kind, gentle, and the perfect last gift that either of us could give.
It was late when we fell asleep, him still in my quarters, with me wrapped around him. He held me tight and kissed the top of my head that lay on his chest.
No Life, Only Death Page 25
