by Brandi Aga
When I get back to the bar, Ryan isn’t there. The bartender searches me out and nods in the direction of the VIP wall. There’s a row of rooms with clear glass walls, and I can see Ryan and his friends in room number three. I’m beyond ready to go home. I’m about ready to stalk right over and grab the keys and let him catch an Uber home, but he sees me and waves me over. I guess that’s my cue.
He meets me at the door and puts both hands around my waist and his face in my neck. “Wanna dance?” he yells. His eyes are bloodshot from lack of sleep, and he’s buzzed, heavy on his feet.
“Not really. I wanted to dance a long time ago. Now I just want to go home. I have work tomorrow, remember?” I’m trying so hard to not be angry, to not have an attitude and just let it go this time. If I leave now, I can go home and get in bed and still get plenty of rest for tomorrow.
“Fuck that job. Dance with me.” He’s loud, and people are starting to stare in our direction.
“Would you stop? You’re getting drunk! It’s late. You stay. Have one of the guys take you home,” I say, nodding toward his coworkers. I start to walk away, but he pulls me back to him. We’re face to face, and I can smell the alcohol oozing out of his pores.
“You don’t wanna dance with me?” Through his drunken state, I can see his emotions all over his face. This isn’t about the dance. Sometimes the truth comes out when you’re drunk, whether you want it to or not. That look, that look right there is what makes this so hard. I don’t even know who this once confident man is anymore. Now he’s someone he’s not, going to bars and drinking, desperate for my attention but only when he’s had the liquid courage.
I put my hand up to his face. “No, Ry. Let’s go home.”
As soon as we’re in the car, I type out a quick text to Erin before I drive off, letting her know I need to meet her at our spot as soon as possible. We make plans and agree to meet tomorrow after work.
This can’t wait any longer.
The day drags on forever before seven o’clock finally rolls around. I don’t normally get the chance to watch the clock so anxiously, but this is different.
“I’ll take a large strawberry acai, coconut milk instead of water, please.”
“Blueberries or strawberries on top?”
“Strawberries.”
Erin walks up as my barista is making my drink. She gives me a big kiss on the cheek and tells me how pretty I look today. I narrow my eyes at her. My hair is piled on top of my head, and I’m still in my scrubs. She must know I mean business coming here today if she’s being nice already.
She laughs. “I’m serious. You’re a hot nurse. You always give me a lady boner in these things.”
Oh my gosh. My cheeks are probably fifty shades of red. The things our poor barista puts up with. On that note, I pay for my drink, making sure to tip extra well for our ridiculousness, and go to our corner while I wait for her to get her order.
“Okay, so what are we doing here? Emergency meetings are never good.”
I get one more good nail bite in before I spit out the truth. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while. You know things aren’t going great between Ryan and I, but I haven’t told you to what extent. I think last night was just the final straw for me.”
She’s staring at me wide eyed and confused like I’m breaking up with her instead of Ryan. “What? I feel like I’m missing something here?”
“I know. I haven’t told you a lot lately because I’m just so embarrassed. And I’m sorry, but I’m almost thirty and my marriage is failing. No one likes to talk about that.”
“Ley…” She reaches across the way and holds my hand. I know I need to be honest with her and tell her what’s going on. She’s my ginger, this shouldn’t be so hard, dammit.
“I know it sounds bad, but I haven’t been happy in a long time anyway. Ryan is different. I’m different. There’s so much tension going on. We went out last night, and it was just a wake-up call. I can’t do it anymore. I need to be honest with him. And myself.”
Erin has tears in her eyes. Tears. I don’t even have tears yet. “It’s okay, really. I don’t want you to be sad for me. I just want someone else to understand what I’m going through. I need to get this burden off my chest. That’s why I’m telling you.”
“I’ll never judge you, Ley. You know that. Whatever you need, I’m here.” She gives my hand a squeeze. “Do you need a place to stay for a while?”
I hadn’t thought that far ahead yet, but I imagine things won’t go over so well when I tell Ryan. “I haven’t told Ryan anything yet. I can’t stay there with him though, obviously. I’ll come over afterward, to get away until I can find something more permanent.”
“I can help you pack, really. Let me help. There are two extra beds at the house. No one is using them. When do you think this will all go down?”
“This weekend. He’s leaving next week, and I can’t wait until he gets back. My nerves would fry waiting that long.” I’m afraid to ask in case it’s too much but— “What about Cloud?”
Erin bursts out laughing. “Only you, concerned about that damn cat in a time like this.”
“I’m dead serious! If Cloud can’t come, I may need to rethink this whole thing.”
She throws her napkin at me. “Okay, bitch. Of course she can come too.”
We’re laughing together, but it still hurts. It’s hard to be silly in this moment, but with my best friend it’s bearable.
I don’t tell her about Roman. Not right now.
First, I have to face the music with my husband.
I know it’s not the best way to break the news, barging into his work space unannounced, but it’s been made clear I don’t do anything traditional thus far, so why start now?
Jaycee, the main secretary to his building, lets me right in. She, of course, has no idea why I’m here either. She looks just as surprised to see me as I imagine he will be. I never pop in here anymore.
Peeking in and watching him work makes me weak. My palms are sweaty, no matter how hard I wipe them on my leg. I’m forced to remind myself why I’m here.
Keep going. One foot in front of the other.
I lift my hand and knock, even though the door is open, making my presence known.
I can do this.
His face changes when he sees me, and he stands up behind his desk, the chair scraping across the floor abruptly. “Ley, what are you doing here? Are you okay?”
I can’t seem to make my feet cooperate. Rooted to the spot, I’m glued to the doorframe, but tempted to turn around and run. I clear my throat in hopes that my words will come out. “No, it’s nothing like that. I’m fine. I just need to talk. We need to talk.”
Realization dawns on him, and he sits back down, much calmer than he was when I first got here. He knows it’s serious, and he’s terrified. I can see his Adam’s apple bob in his throat as he swallows down his nerves. He nods and points toward the row of chairs opposite of his. “Pick a seat.”
So I do.
I sit and stare at him for I don’t even know how long, making sure this is what I want. There is no turning back after this. And I know, deep down I know, I can’t be with Ryan if my heart isn’t fully invested. Roman or no Roman, it’s not fair to make Ryan wait while I figure it out.
“Ryan, I met someone.” There. It’s out. At least I think I said it. It sounded more along the lines of all one word: RyanImetsomeone.
Silence. I can hear the clock ticking.
“You… met someone.” His brows are furrowed together. It’s not a question but more of a statement, like he’s tasting the words on his tongue, the words bitter and ugly. He gets up and walks over to the door and closes it. He doesn’t turn around right away, and I can’t watch.
After what feels like an hour, he comes back around to his side of the desk and sits down. He loosens his tie from around his neck and rests his elbows on the desk with his hands together in a fist at his face.
I don’t know what to say. I want to
say nothing and everything all at once. I want him to say something.
Anything.
“Wow, Ley. I knew it was bad, but this? This is something else.”
“I know, I’m sorry to come here… like this. I just thought it would be better to be here than at home.”
“Better how? You don’t trust me? You think I’d hurt you?”
“It’s not that at all, Ryan. I just wanted to talk to you somewhere neutral…” Somewhere I couldn’t be persuaded to stay.
He picks up his keyboard and launches it across the room. It flings into one of the glass walls and lands with a bang on the floor with everything it took with it. I can see his chest rising and falling from where I sit. I haven’t moved out of my chair. I’m once again rooted to the spot.
“How long?” he asks.
I swallow, wanting to be careful with how I answer this question. “Not long. I’ve had every intention to tell you. I just... waited for the right timing. I’m going to stay with Erin. I had to make sure it was okay with her first.”
He snorts, like this is all some kind of joke. “Fucking Erin. I’m sure she was all over that. Your husband and your boyfriend. The best kind of drama.”
Now he’s just pissing me off, and if I’m honest, making me a little nervous. I’ve never been afraid of Ryan in all the years we’ve been together, but he’s hurt and unpredictable. People say and do things they don’t mean when they’re vulnerable, and I don’t want to make this any harder than need be, on either one of us.
“She doesn’t know anything about that… just… about us.”
“Well, thank fuck for that,” he says, anger spewing from his lips.
I finally get the nerve to stand up and make an exit. “I’m going to let you blow off some steam before this goes any further and the wrong things are said.”
He looks at me with pain and regret written all over his face. “I would never hurt you, Ley.”
If only he knew how much he already has.
When I get to my car, I’m a mess. I didn’t think I would cry, but running out of his office like that left a knot in my throat. Erin answers on the first ring. “How did it go?”
I’m using my shoulder to hold my phone to my ear while buckling and connecting Bluetooth so I can talk and drive without running off the road. All the while, tears are clouding my vision, and I can’t get out of here fast enough. I don’t want him to come out while I’m still here.
I sigh. “I don’t know, fucking awful. I feel like I just ruined his life, Erin.” Bluetooth finally connects, and Roman’s name flashes across the navigation screen. Perfect timing. Just freaking perfect. I deny his call. I can’t do this right now.
When I’m a safe enough distance from Ryan’s building, I pull over and rest my head against the seat.
“You aren’t ruining his life. Ruining his life would be staying in an unhappy marriage while he thinks everything is hunky-dory. It’s bullshit, and you know it. It takes two to tango, boo.”
I do know it. That’s why I’m doing this.
I suck up the sniffling and let her know I’m on my way to help her pack up some of my things. I left her there while I went to see Ryan, in hopes that she could get a good head start. I don’t want to be there trying to load everything up with him hovering over me. Hell, I don’t know if he will even come home today after this.
I walk through the door, and Cloud is sitting on the entry table in an empty box. She greets me with her usual meow and waits for me to acknowledge her. “I know, it’s okay, pretty girl.” I pick her up and snuggle her close before dealing with the chaos that has become my life.
I’m not standing there long before Erin comes waltzing through the living room like a boss, a full bag in each hand. “Hey, I’m not sure what all of this you wanted,” she says, holding her arms up with clothes draped over them. “And I didn’t know how long we had to get outta here, so I just grabbed what I thought you’d need. Plus your scrubs. You okay?”
“Yeah, you can put all of that in the back of the car. I’m just going to grab Cloud’s food and water bowls.” It doesn’t take long for the two of us to knock out the majority of what I need for now. I’m not trying to rob Ryan blind; I just want my personal things. I can get any heavy stuff Ryan doesn’t want later.
It’s been a week, and I still haven’t seen Ryan since I left his office. He’s been blowing up my phone and asking to meet me somewhere. He even came by Erin’s twice, but we just turned the lights off and sat by the door till he left.
I felt like an asshole, watching him through the peephole. He looks like shit.
I bought new bedding, and Erin’s letting me sleep in her extra bedroom. It’s a lot smaller than mine, but I’m not complaining because this bed is the most comfortable bed I’ve ever slept in. That’s all I’ve done since I came here.
It felt weird keeping things that Ryan and I shared so intimately. I needed to let go and fully start over, so I made it easy on him and left everything I didn’t have a major sentimental attachment to.
“Wake up, bitch!” Erin comes in my room and flops down on the bed. Roman just sent me a picture, and I’m grinning like an idiot. I can’t even hide it. She wrinkles up her nose. “What are you smiling at? Wait. Maybe I don’t want to know.”
I say nothing. Instead, I flip my phone around and share Roman’s picture. Her eyes flit back and forth from my screen to my face. “Why am I always the last to know everything?” She slaps me in the face with my pillow and laughs.
“I know what you’re thinking, and it’s not why I left Ryan… not the only reason.”
“I know.” We share a serious moment, and she slides off the bed and stops in the doorway. “Just invite me to the wedding, okay?”
We both laugh, and it’s my turn to throw my pillow back at her. She’s my best friend, and I have no one else I can trust with this. I know it’s crazy, putting ten years behind me for this man—this man who I don’t know, not really, nor do I know the kind of future we will have. I know he’s amazing, he has feelings for me, and he would do anything for me. Isn’t that enough?
There she is. Fuck, I’ve missed that face. And those tits.
She runs at me just like last time. I plant my feet on the ground and get ready for impact. She jumps in my arms and gives me one helluva kiss.
“Remember what I said about not waiting till we leave the airport next time?”
She throws her head back and laughs. “We are not fucking in the airport.”
I cock my head at her. “No?” I rub my hand through the seam of her leggings. Her legs are still around me, so no one can see how dirty my girl is—no one but me.
“Tempting, but no.”
“Still killin’ me.” I kiss her pretty lips one more time and reluctantly let her go. I just want to lay her out right here and claim her as mine, go all caveman and mark my territory. “I gotta run by the shop right quick. Drop off some paperwork Blaze needs in the morning.”
“Ohhh, the shop.” Her wink is big and obnoxious. She’s fucking cute.
Recognition registers about what I previously said about her next visit. I haven’t forgotten, and apparently, she hasn’t either. I open my truck door and look at her ridin’ shotgun. This ol’ truck has seen a lotta women in its days but none like her.
I lay my hand on her leg and wrap my fingers around the inside of her thigh. Her leggings are tight, so tight I can feel every twitch and shiver her body makes for me.
The shop isn’t far from the airport, thankfully. I don’t know how much more of this I can take without ripping all her clothes off. We pull up to the warehouse, one that I’m proud to call mine. I’ve worked hard for it, and it shows. Surrounded by an industrial-grade chain-link fence with a heavy-duty security system. I can see all my cameras from where I’m sitting, even though they’re not visible to the average Joe, and there’s a bunch of lights strategically set out on the fence posts. My skull and swallows logo is proudly displayed on the side. It’s something B
laze drew up for a tattoo for me back in the day. Liked it so much, I slapped it on the side of my shop so I could see it all the time.
I swipe my card through the gate security, and the doors open. Once we’re in, I swipe it again to close it. I look over at Leylah. The gears are spinnin’; I can see it on her face.
“Got millions in custom bike parts in there.” I shrug. “It’s Cali, baby,” I say, nodding toward the building. That’s a good enough explanation for now. I leave it at that and look around. I keep going around to the side entrance, and no sooner than my foot hits the ground, do I hear him bark. Woodzy comes running, clearly happy to see I have company.
“Woodzy.” I whistle over at him. He’s all over Leylah, wanting her attention. “He’s a good ol’ boy, but tends to get excited with new people around.” His tail is wagging so hard it’s hitting his sides each time it goes back and forth. Leylah squats down and scruffs him up behind his ears. Her voice does some weird baby talk.
“Hi there, boy. Aren’t you so sweet.”
“Psh, don’t let him fool you. He has a soft spot for women. Big baby.”
“Like his dad?”
I scowl and walk her backward till her ass hits the siding of the warehouse. “Nothin’ about me is soft, babe.” I put my hand up to her throat and kiss her. “Missed you.”
“I missed you,” she says, barely above a whisper.
I let her go and walk toward the door. Woodzy follows, and a minute later, so does Leylah.
She follows me around the rest of the shop, asking questions—questions that shock the hell out of me. She cares what I do here. So, I show her where I work, what I do when I’m getting my hands dirty.
My hands are always dirty…
“Fuck, hurry up. Get your shit ready. Emerson’s in there, goddammit.” The boys load up in the back of the van and get all their pieces locked and loaded. Blaze has his knife out, ’cause that’s what he likes best. Sick fuck.
