by Brandi Aga
Pulling up to Roman’s house, my nerves start to set in. I haven’t talked to him since he facetimed me on New Year’s Day. I don’t know if he even wants this. Me and all my baggage. Our baggage.
There’s another car in the driveway, and I don’t know what to make of it. What if he has friends over? Or worse? The bike is parked next to his truck, so I’m pretty sure he’s here. I should have called and told him I was coming. Maybe this was a mistake.
Maddy starts fussing from her car seat, and I know I don’t have long before she needs feeding. It’s now or never. I unbuckle her and lay her over my shoulder. I’m still pissed at myself for not bringing her wrap.
I don’t even have to knock on the door before it swings open and out walks Roman and another woman—a pretty woman, wearing a pair of shorts that could pass as a fucking pair of underwear. We all stop and stare at each other, and I know. I feel it all the way down to my bones. How could I be so stupid? I don’t say a word before I turn around and run back to my car.
“Fuck! Leylah, wait!” Roman yells. He’s running after me, trying to stop me from buckling the baby back in her seat. I can’t even grab the fucking straps right, my hands are shaking so hard. My vision is blurry from the tears threatening to spill over, but I won’t cry in front of him. I will not. I did this to myself. I can cry later. Somehow, I manage to get her buckled and the door closed, shoving Roman off me to get in the driver’s seat. I lock the door so he can’t stop me, and drive out of the driveway as fast as I can.
Looking in the rearview mirror, I see Roman is right where I left him, standing in the road with his hands in his hair, that bitch walking up next to him with her arm out to console him. I can’t look anymore, so I speed away. I need to get to the hotel where I can crash and let it all out.
When I get to my room, I give Maddy a bath, feed her, and snuggle up in bed beside her. I know she’s as exhausted as I am after the day we had. She stares up at me while drinking her bottle without a care in the world. “I’m so sorry, baby girl. I’m so sorry I did this to us.” I hold her tighter and let the tears fall.
It’s sometime in the middle of the night when my phone wakes me up. It’s a text from Roman asking where I am. I lay here, staring at the ceiling for a long time, not knowing how I let myself get to this point or where to go from here. I came all this way, and after everything Roman and I did to Ryan, I’d be the biggest hypocrite if I didn’t at least hear him out. Maybe that’s why this is happening, because I messed with fate. I had a good life; I just didn’t give it my all. Didn’t make Ryan see what we had, didn’t even see it myself. So, for that, I deserve all of this and more.
An hour later, there’s a knock on the door, and I want to ignore it and crawl under the covers and hide from the truth of what’s coming. I’m not so sure I can handle it. As if I had a choice, Maddy starts squirming and crying. She’s been out longer than I expected, which means she’ll be hungry again.
I flip the lock on the door, and Roman stands there before me, watching me. I can see the pain in his eyes, the pain that he doesn’t know what to do with either. I step back in the room and lay Maddy on the bed to make her a bottle. She’s wailing now, growing more impatient by the second. I hurry to the bathroom to mix everything together since I was so upset when we got here, I didn’t bother making any ahead of time.
When I walk back into the room, I realize she isn’t crying anymore. Roman’s holding her in his arms, gently bouncing her back and forth. She’s got her pretty blue eyes locked on him—the same eyes that won me over in her daddy. It’s hard to watch, and it’s beautiful at the same time. He looks so out of place—a rough, grizzly man holding a tiny little human. “Do you want to feed her?”
He looks at me unsure, seeming scared he might break her and surprised I offered. He sits down on the bed and holds Maddy’s bottle for her. “This okay?” He’s so gentle with her, it gives me false hope of what’s going on here. I wish things were different and we could be a happy family, just the three of us.
“Yeah, that’s good. I’ll burp her when she’s done. You’d be surprised at how much throw up can come out of those things without any warning.” He thanks me for the heads up, and an awkward silence falls over the room.
“That back there at the house… I’m sorry, Leylah.” Roman stares down at Maddy, not even looking in my direction. I’m sorry? That’s it? I was expecting a bit more of an explanation, but he’s going to make me work for it.
“That being what? That girl you were fucking? Because girls that look like that don’t just hang around for shits and giggles. I don’t understand what I walked into. We’ve barely talked since you left last time when I was still fucking pregnant! I had to beg you to talk to me. You missed your own daughter’s birth! I finally got the balls and took a risk to come see you, and you’re with another woman. And now all you can say is you’re sorry? Don’t you want this? Us? Your daughter?” I shake my head in confusion. “What happened, Roman?”
I’m so pissed and hurt that he’s not fighting for us, there’s no stopping the tears pouring down my face, and I’m literally down on my knees begging this man to love me back. I can feel what’s left of my heart shattering into tiny, unfixable shards.
Roman’s on his feet. He gives Maddy a quick kiss on her head and gently lays her down on the bed. “Get up, Leylah.” He grabs my arm with enough force to make me listen, pulling me up from the floor. I know I look insane, but I don’t care, maybe I am. My makeup from earlier is smeared, and snot is running down my face. I could puke at the amount of bodily fluids coming out of my face right now. “She needs you,” he says, his voice strained. I don’t fucking know why. This doesn’t seem to be hurting him at all. “Be strong for our baby,” he whispers over my hysterical crying.
If only for a moment, he grips my hand tightly before letting go and walking straight out of my life.
It’s been over a month since I left pieces of my heart in California on the middle of that hotel room floor. I couldn’t sleep, so I sat in the chair by the window till the sun came up. “This can’t be real,” I kept whispering to myself.
That morning was the worst. After we got up, I packed our bags and booked it to the airport, demanding a flight home as soon as possible.
As I lie in bed in the mornings, I can’t help but obsess over when everything took a wrong turn, how I could have prevented it. With Ryan and Roman. Time keeps moving by, and I’m still so sad. I can’t get out of this gray fog of darkness that’s swallowing me whole.
Maddilyn’s sweet little coos alert me that she’s awake, bringing me back to the present and out of my daydreams. She likes to talk and eat first thing in the morning. The longer I make her lie there before I get up, the louder she coos to get my attention, making me smile.
“Good morning, my love,” I say as I rub my nose against her cheek. “Are you hungry?” I slip my robe on one handed, and we saunter down the hall to the kitchen. My hair’s a mess in a pile on my head, and I have two-day old makeup on, but Maddy is the only one who will see me today, and she never judges her mama. Erin is long gone to work and won’t be home till late tonight. Another date after work, go figure. It’s just the two of us.
We’ve got our strawberry granola breakfast bar for me, bottle for her, and five seasons of Jax Teller to binge-watch. We’re golden.
I lay back in the recliner, feet out with Maddy propped up on my legs. Just when I think I found the perfect spot, my phone buzzes—all the way across the room.
Fuck.
I pop her bottle out of her mouth to grab my phone off the bar, and she starts to fuss. “Hang on, hang on,” I say to her in a singsong voice. I sit back down, trying to replicate how I was before. Another buzz from my phone sounds.
Ryan: Hey
Ryan: You busy?
I groan and slam my head back against the recliner.
Perfect.
Me: No. What’s up?
Ryan: Want to cash in that lunch rain check you owe me?
/> Me: Idk if that’s a good idea. Look how Christmas turned out.
Ryan: It’s been a long time since that happened. Forgot all about it. You should too.
Me: Right.
Ryan: Is that a yes?
Me: When?
Ryan: Today? Whenever you’re free.
Me: Can’t today. No sitter
Ryan: Why do you need one?
Me: Maddilyn…. Duh.
Ryan. Lol I know that. Bring her.
I don’t know why I’m standing in front of my bathroom mirror, spraying dry shampoo all over my hair. I always get a kick out of looking like Cruella Deville while I wait for it to dry. I have enough dignity left to wipe off my old makeup and apply a fresh face. I throw on some black shorts, a black bralette, and a gray tank top. Nothing fancy; I don’t want Ryan getting the wrong idea. What the right idea is? I have no clue.
I bathe Maddy in a quick sink bath and dress her in a gray and light pink onesie with a kitty on the front.
Sitting her in her car seat, I buckle her and set her down by the front door while I gather my stuff and pet Cloud. She knows I’m leaving, so she demands all my attention. I pick her up and fluff her hair around. “We’ll be back, okay?” Cloud meows in approval when I fill her treat bowl.
Ryan let me pick where we eat, ever the gentleman. I walk into Buca di Beppo’s and spot him immediately. He stands up from the booth and meets me halfway, offering to take the car seat out of my hands. The weight of the seat plus her weight is hell on my arms, so I don’t protest. “You can slide her all the way in the booth there. She’ll fit.” I motion to the seat across from the one he was previously sitting in. I thank him as I scoot in after her, picking up my menu.
“Thanks for coming, Ley.”
“Sure. I needed to get out of the house.” I peek over at Maddy. “We both did.”
His eyes wander over to her sleeping form, and he smirks. “How is she? Besides growing like a weed?”
I clear my throat. “She’s good. Finally sleeping more. Now that I’m not working as much, of course.”
“You taking it easy up there now, or what?”
“Yeah, just bad timing.” He nods in understanding. He doesn’t, but he goes with it. Our waiter takes our food order and lets us know it will be out shortly.
“What about you? You still going at it? Overseas much?”
“No, I quit.”
I choke on my water at his shocking confession. “What? When?”
“Thought you’d like that.” He chuckles. “January.”
“Wow, why?”
“Got a better offer here locally. Better benefits. Less work.” He shrugs. “Needed a change. Needed to get back to my old self. That’s mostly why I got back in the gym. Needed the motivation. Did some serious soul searching inside those walls.”
Interesting. I don’t even know what to say. I only wanted him to do that for me for years. Find something closer so we didn’t have to be apart so much. Raise a family. Grow old together. Now we’re… friends.
Maddilyn starts squirming, and it startles me. Why do babies always wake up at the most awkward times? I’m struggling to get her flailing little hands out of her buckles when Ryan interjects and stretches his hands out across the table. “Let me take her.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m sure,” he says with humor dancing on his lips. And there’s that smile that I loved so much all those years ago. God, what is wrong with me? He wrinkles his forehead in confusion. “The baby, Ley.”
“Oh, right.” I hold her out in front of me, like I’m holding Simba out for an offering, and slide her across the table on her butt. Her hands go out, searching for something to hold on to. Ryan holds the back of her neck with one hand, steadying her upright. She’s got a death grip on his other hand, trying to get it straight into her mouth.
“Hi,” he says in a gentle voice, so gentle it surprises me. “You’re a pretty girl, just like your mom.”
My eyes meet his when he says it, but I divert them back down at my drink, playing with my straw, anything to distract me from looking at him. She starts fussing again, and I offer to take her back. “Nah, I’m good,” he says. He turns her around to face me, leaning her back against his chest. “She’s right there, see, not going anywhere.” I know what he meant, but it feels like he means something else. Like he’s asking for more.
Meka slams my bedroom door shut, stomps down the hallway, and slams her own door. Well, my door, the door to the guest bedroom she’s been sleeping in. She doesn’t understand why I won’t fuck her. The word no is a hard concept for a cracked-out nympho.
I made a mistake and went too far at Armillio’s whorehouse. I won’t let her touch me like that again, no matter how many fits she throws.
Sighing, I throw the covers off and stalk after her. I don’t even bother knockin’ and let myself right on in. She’s frantically throwing her shit in a bag, both the clothes she brought with her from Armillio’s and the shit I bought her so she didn’t walk around naked all the time. “Where the fuck you think you’re goin’?”
“Back to Armillio’s. Fuck this place.”
Fuck this place? I bring her here from that hellhole she’s been abused in for God knows how long, and she disrespects my home like I’m the enemy? I see red. I grab her by the throat and pin her to the wall. “You think you can just go back there now? They’ll ask questions. You tell them you even saw a glimpse of me, they’ll kill you.” She shakes her head no, tears rolling down her face out of anger. “Yeah, they’re probably gonna kill you anyway, but I need you first. And you’re gonna help me. Got it?” I let go of her slowly, unsure of how she’s gonna react.
She wraps her hands around the base of her neck, massaging where I squeezed too hard. I turn around to leave, satisfied with my threat, but pause when she asks, “That girl that came here a while back, with the baby? Who is she?”
I stop dead in my tracks. Can’t even turn around. “Nobody. Don’t ever fuckin’ talk about her again.” My voice is laced with malice, and she knows I’m serious. I’m sure she regrets askin’ as soon as I spit out the words.
“Okay,” she whispers.
And with that, I’m gonna down some Jack to drown out the pain and pass the fuck out.
When I wake up, the sun is in my eyes, not givin’ a shit about the raging headache I’ve got going on. I downed too many bottles last night, and it’s all a blur. Didn’t even make it back to my room. The house is quiet. Too quiet.
Fuck, Meka.
I fly over the stairs in a hurry to her room. I barge in and find all her shit’s gone, including her. I run down the hall to my room just to make sure. “Meka!” I yell. My throat burns from all the whiskey. No answer. Double checking the bathroom downstairs, I admit she’s nowhere to be found. “Fuck!”
I’ve gotta pull myself together. I’m in serious need of a shower.
When I’m confident enough that my appearance won’t raise any red flags, I load my shit up into the truck, checkin’ and double checkin’ that it’s all there. This isn’t exactly how I planned for this to happen, but once Armillio gets word that I took one of his girls and where she’s been all this time, he’s gonna come knockin’.
It’s 11:58 a.m., shit. I don’t know how much time she has on me. I make one more trip to the safe stashed in my garage toolbox and grab my last bag. I don’t have to check it ’cause it’s the most important thing here. Been keepin’ it safe all this time.
Turnin’ into the shop, I breathe a little easier when I spot no other cars. They left for lunch already. Good. Won’t ask me a bunch of questions. I grab the bag from my safe, haul it into my office, and place it right in the center of my desk. My eyes roam around till they land on my BCM notebook tablet. I tear off a piece of paper and scribble Blaze’s name on it. He won’t overlook it this way. I slap it on the bag, and my heart rate climbs when I hear Woodzy barking.
I walk out to greet him and find him standin’ at attention by my truck do
or. “Can’t come today, bud.” He wags his tail. “I gotta go. Be a good boy.” He whines, but I can’t do a damn thing about it. Guilt overwhelms me when I look out my rearview mirror as he hangs his head and lies down at the gate, waiting for me to come back.
“Leylah, you’ve got a secret admirer,” Denise says, nodding to the nurses’ station. There’s a large vase filled with purple and white roses sitting there with my name on it. I pop the card off and open it. “He’s cute too.” She winks over her shoulder as she walks away, off to do her rounds.
Ley-
Thanks for having lunch with me the other day. Not going to lie… I’ve been thinking about it a lot. About you a lot.
I enjoyed it.
Pretty flowers for a pretty girl. Have a good day.
R.
If Denise saw how cute he is, that means he delivered them himself. I’m disappointed that I missed him. I’m grinning like an idiot when Lexie walks up and snatches the card out of my hand. “Hey!”
“Oooo, interesting.” She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively.
“Stop it, it’s Ryan.” I roll my eyes. Shutting her down before things get too serious around here, I put the card out on my station where I can admire it. I had explained to her what happened, but only briefly. I left out parts about the divorce and Roman being Maddy’s dad. So maybe I didn’t tell her everything. I love Lexie; I just don’t want that vibe mixing with my work life. I’m trying my best to make better decisions and better myself.
The calmness of the morning is short lived as EMS burst through the double doors with a woman on the gurney. I grab my stethoscope and run alongside the bed. “What ya got?” And so the day begins...
