After a few minutes, he came to the fence. “Seren?”
“I don’t think I can…” I said over the lump forming in my throat.
He smiled, and said encouragingly, “Okay. We’ll try something else and come back in a few days.”
He ducked down to pass through the fence and I blocked his path. “No. No, I need to get my head around it. I have to get in there and finish this. How many did he take last night?”
“Five,” he said honestly. “Don’t worry about that, though. We have time.”
“They don’t,” I said firmly, flicking my chin upwards indicating he let me through.
He dutifully stepped aside, watching me closely as I passed through and began the walk over to Kern’s stronghold. I wasn’t sure whether to steel against the emotions I knew were waiting to bombard me, or take them willingly and try to work through them. Elian followed close behind me. He didn’t speak.
I thought of Emily. How terrified she’d been at the centre. I didn’t want to imagine the horrors she’d endured down there with him. But I knew. I knew what he was. I knew what she had implied. I felt angry that he’d done that to her, that he was gathering up other young girls to bring here. To use them however he wished. I held onto that anger as I came closer and closer to the area, clung to it like a shield.
I left Elian standing as I strode on. The emotions washed over me, and I kept going until I was right in the centre of them. I turned to face him, my eyes finding his over the short distance. He nodded once, holding my gaze as I processed the flood of fear, despair, pain, and torment. I squeezed my eyes closed and wished to be stronger, willed myself to get past this. But I couldn’t. I felt my control slip, felt myself buckle under the weight of the suffering he was inflicting, of the guilt that I couldn’t stop him.
I felt so guilty for everything. That I’d frozen the first time Kern and I crossed paths. That I’d wasted the second opportunity. That Taran had made me Elian’s responsibility and the worry that was causing him. That I was going to hurt him.
Tears, hot and salty, spilled down my cheeks. I didn’t wipe them away as I stood alone in the middle of that field, strangers emotions influencing my own.
Then, he was there, his firm hand in the small of my back, urging me to walk away.
I shook my head wildly. “No, no I have to—”
“Seren, enough,” he said gently, sliding his hand to my hip and forcing me forward. “This is too much. Try further out and work in.”
The weight lifted slightly, and I stopped. “Here is far enough. It isn’t so bad now,” I told him, twisting away.
It was bad. Bad enough that nausea churned my stomach. I steeled myself against it and forced myself to concentrate. I picked through the whirling emotions, segregating them, sorting through them as I battled against the effect they had on me.
Then they spiked. Terror overriding all else. A collective wave of heart-stopping panic and dread. I felt the contents of my stomach rise and doubled over as I vomited onto the grass.
“Enough,” Elian growled in my ear, rubbing my back. “We’re leaving, right now.”
I didn’t object as he lifted me carefully into his arms. I didn’t say anything until we were back at the car, after he set me down and opened my door.
Fiddling with my pendant, I looked up at him and said, “I’m sorry. I’ve never had to handle anything like this before, and I don’t know what to do about it.”
“We’ll find a way. It’s okay. You’re one person and you’re already carrying so much responsibility. If we can’t get past this, I’ll tell them to come down here and handle it themselves.”
I sighed and got into the car. What would that mean for me? If I couldn’t perform the very task I was created for, what would they do with me?
He didn’t start the car, but sat glaring out at the steelworks.
“What are you thinking?” I asked when he’d been quiet for too long.
He ran his hands over his face before saying, “I’m thinking we should get you away for a bit. Away from this, away from him. You need a break.”
“I can’t just walk away, Elian.”
“Yes, you can. You can do whatever you damn well want to, Seren,” he snapped. “This is my point. You don’t owe anyone anything. But since you insist on doing this, you need time. You need a break.”
His tone instantly angered me. I didn’t feel for his mood; I’d had enough. “Fine. You want to shirk the responsibility, fine! Take me somewhere. We’ll run away and hide from it and hope we don’t come back to a pile of bodies.”
He didn’t answer. He started the engine and pulled away so fast the whole car juddered, spraying gravel as it went.
“Elian!”
He shot me an icy glare and slowed down. We each simmered in silence, until he pulled onto a very wide road with three lanes.
“Where are you taking me?” I asked quietly.
“I don’t know,” he mumbled, staring ahead. “Where do you want to go?”
I looked at him blankly. “What sort of a question is that? I don’t know where there is to go.”
He clearly found that amusing, and softened. “Mountains? Rivers? The coast?” he suggested.
“What’s the coast?” I asked, frowning.
“You know, beaches, sand dunes, fish and chips, the sea?”
“Oh. I’ve never seen the sea.”
He glanced over. “What? Never? I know you said you hadn’t left your village, but you never visited places when you came out to find demons?”
“Never,” I confirmed. “What’s it like?”
He relaxed, all anger and frustration melting away. “I’ll show you,” he said with a broad grin.
It seemed his mood was permanently improved, and he told me about his family home on the coast, the memories he had growing up there.
As the miles between us and the city increased, I relaxed. The more Elian talked, the easier it became to push the problems to the back of my mind. Away from it, just us, I could be myself.
Twenty-Two
Seren
We stopped at a service station. Like a small version of the shopping centre, it was surrounded by cars, packed with people, and Elian couldn’t wait to get away. We sat at a table outside with drinks while he phoned ahead to book a hotel.
“Why don’t you like crowds?” I asked when he ended the call.
He shrugged. “Don’t know. Everyone’s always rushing about and it just…it annoys me.”
“Oh, something else that annoys you?”
He looked away, clearly uncomfortable. “I’m sorry.”
I smiled. I didn’t know why I enjoyed teasing him so much. “I know why you get so annoyed. I understand,” I said earnestly, waiting for him to look at me. “Elian, honestly, it’s okay.”
He relaxed slightly, and sipped his drink. “Luckily, I managed to get you a room with a sea view,” he said. “It’ll be the first thing you see tomorrow.”
“Thank you. You didn’t have to do this. I’m grateful that you’re taking the time to show me at all.”
“It’s a pleasure,” he grinned, putting his empty cup on the tray between us. “Anything you want to see or do, tell me and we’ll go. Anything at all.”
I lowered my eyes. He meant it. He’d go to the ends of the earth to make me happy. The realisation wasn’t comforting.
We drove for another hour and the sun was beginning to set as we arrived in the small town. Rather than go directly to the hotel, we drove down to the sea front.
Closing the car door, I took a deep breath of sea air. It was so fresh compared to the city air that was heavy with the filth of cars and industrial buildings. It felt clean, with a salty tang. Elian took my hand and we walked along the esplanade, stopping at the railings to take in the view.
The tide was in, so we couldn’t walk along the beach, but I was content to look out and watch the waves. The failing light added to the scene of the distant, brooding clouds meeting the churning waters at
the horizon. Looking directly in front, the sea seemed to stretch out endlessly. No land between us and the sky, just unending ocean and turbulent waves. Absolute freedom.
Gulls cried as they soared above, catching the currents of the wind, and hovering above the waves. I watched them, wondering how it must feel to be up there with a much clearer view of the beautiful scene. Elian would know. I envied him that.
To our left, I noticed the town followed the curve of the bay, ending in a small harbour. A small lighthouse, brilliant white against the grey backdrop of the clouds and sea, drew my attention.
“The hotel is up that way,” Elian said, still leaning on the railing. “We can have a good walk around tomorrow and you can see the harbour properly.”
I nodded and looked back out. I could have stood there all evening, but my stomach began to complain. I hadn’t eaten anything after I’d been unwell earlier in the day.
“Ready?” Elian asked, pushing away from the railing and shoving his hands in his jacket pockets.
I nodded again, and took his arm as we walked back to the car.
The hotel was comfortably furnished. The people were very friendly and welcoming. They looked at Elian with some confusion when he relayed his booking details and queried the need for two rooms. I laughed as he explained that we were work colleagues. Handing me my key, he escorted me up to my room.
“I’ll come back for you when I’ve showered. I have a change of clothes in the car, so I won’t be long. Will you be okay for a bit?”
“Of course. I’ll do the same.” I smiled, and he turned away, waving a hand as he left me.
We ate at the hotel, seated by a window that overlooked the bay. My gaze was repeatedly drawn out to the sea. The pale moonlight danced on the waves as they retreated with the tide, and a small part of me wished I could retreat with them. I looked back to Elian and smiled.
“Thank you, for showing me the sea. It’s beautiful.”
He smiled weakly and glanced out of the window. I wondered if he was thinking the same as I was when he said, “There are a few places I’d like to show you, but they’re too far for a last-minute visit like this. We’ll get around to it.”
“I’d like that.”
He instantly brightened, telling me more about the different places he liked to visit and the places he’d wanted to, but had never managed to find the time. I would have liked to join him. I would have liked so many things, but despite his optimism, I couldn’t seem to see a future beyond handling Kern. I didn’t even know what was in store for me when the task was complete. Elian vehemently believed that I could choose for myself, that I was entitled to a life outside of the existence The Mother gave me. I daren’t believe him. I daren’t hope.
I imagined a life where I got to really live. Where I could visit these places, and see all the things he told me about. With him.
“Seren?” He pulled me from my thoughts, from my foolish imaginings. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I said through a watery smile, quickly wiping my eyes with my thumbs. “I’m fine.”
“Tell me,” he said softly, leaning his elbows on the table. “Please.”
I lifted my chin, met his eyes, and said, “I don’t want to go back, Elian.”
I monitored his emotional response. As his eyes flashed, he pulsed with elation, excitement, and…something else. He knew how to guard them so well.
“Then don’t,” he said evenly. There was no hint of what he was feeling in his tone, no suggestion that he wanted that, that the idea of me staying brought him any joy at all. “Do what you want to do, Seren. You don’t answer to anyone.”
“It doesn’t matter what I want if I don’t handle him,” I reminded him bitterly. “And to get to him, I have to get past…whatever this is. That’s the first hurdle.”
“I was thinking about that,” he said, taking a drink. “I think you need to approach it differently.”
“In what way?” I asked, confused. “How could I possibly approach it any other way?
He looked back out of the window briefly, as he planned what he had to say. “I think you let too much in,” he said at last. “So, don’t. Close yourself to it. You aren’t there to handle their emotions, you’re there to end their suffering. Focus on that. Really focus. You can keep it out if you try. You do with smaller influxes.”
I frowned at him, not sure what to think, what to say. I’d tried filtering them out, segregating them, but not blocking them completely. “It’s worth trying. We’ll have a go when we go home.”
His emotions peaked again, but he didn’t say anything else, and I sipped my drink looking back out at the moonlit beach.
After the previous morning, I found I disliked waking up alone. The comfort of an arm around my waist, the warmth of another body against mine, and the sound of even, steady breaths…his arm, his body, his breaths— it was him I missed. He was only in the next room, as usual, but he may as well have been back in the city. I hated being apart from him. The silence of the room was crushing.
A gentle tap on the door forced me from my sullen thoughts and I pulled on the robe that I’d found in my bathroom before answering.
Elian stood beaming at me, already dressed. “Morning.”
I scratched the back of my head and pulled the door open further, inviting him inside. “What time is it?”
“Eight. I thought you wanted to see the harbour and other delights?” he said brightly, heading for the window, tugging open the curtains, and looking down towards the promenade.
“I do, just…give me five minutes,” I grumbled, straightening my bed.
He was watching me when I turned around, a ridiculous little smile on his face. “What?”
He shook his head and chuckled as I strode into the bathroom and locked the door.
The town was beautiful. Cobbled streets, beautiful Victorian and Edwardian buildings, and the harbour left me in awe as we made our way slowly up the seaside town. Elian made sure to show me all the tourist attractions.
I especially enjoyed visiting a small museum that explained the full history of the town. He patiently read the various pieces of information out to me, filling in all the gaps from his own surprising bank of knowledge on the area’s history.
When we walked down to the beach, Elian insisted I remove my shoes. The feel of the sand between my toes was odd. The lapping waves pushed their way up the beach, and he laughed at me when my feet got wet. It was so cold I yelped and moved quickly away. After that, I avoided the water, spending some time admiring shells I’d found along the shore. Afterwards, we visited the amusement arcades.
“So, you just hope the coins line up and push one another off?” I asked, frowning at the noisy machine.
“No, time it right and it works every time. Timing is everything. Pick a slot and drop it in,” he instructed, playing the one beside me. His coin landed and slid from one moving shelf to the next, finally pushing a few coins from the very bottom shelf. They fell noisily into a trough below and he retrieved them looking very pleased with himself.
“I don’t understand the purpose of the game…”
“Just put it in!” He lifted my hand, guiding the coin I gripped into the slot.
I watched as the whole procedure was repeated, until a small handful of coins fell into the trough by my knees. I felt an odd pang of excitement as I bent to retrieve them, and eagerly shoved them into the slots again.
“See, it’s fun!”
We stayed there for a long while, playing the various games. He didn’t seem to mind the noise and crowd here. When we left the arcade, we followed the promenade back up to the harbour, stopping at a small stand for what Elian described as snacks.
“That’ll keep your sweet tooth satisfied for today,” he remarked, handing me a clear bag filled with pink fluff. He laughed as I tore open the bag and tried a small portion. It dissolved on my tongue almost instantly.
“What is it?” I asked, dipping into the bag for more.
&nb
sp; “We call it candy floss. Spun sugar. Literally, just sugar,” he said as I dug in the bag again. It didn’t take long to eat it all.
We ate lunch on the harbour. Fish and chips was a traditional seaside meal, he said, and he insisted I try it. I didn’t like the peas, but the rest was quite nice. The portion he was served was both incredible and disgusting at once, and I was amazed that he’d eaten it all. Depositing our rubbish in a dustbin, he took my hand and led me around the harbour while we decided what else to see.
We spent the afternoon visiting a castle. The ruin overlooked the bay and we spent a couple of hours walking the grounds. We found a lawned area and I lay watching the clouds and gull’s overhead.
“It really is lovely here,” I said quietly.
“Yeah,” he agreed. “We used to come here every summer. I don’t know why. We lived on the coast, so it was nothing new. But I’ve always had fond memories of the place.”
I smiled at that. That he’d brought me to a place that held such special memories for him. “Thank you.”
“For what?” he asked, lying beside me.
I turned my head to look at him. “Sharing this with me. I’ll always remember this.”
He rolled onto his side, leaning up on an elbow, and brushed a stray strand of hair from my face. “It doesn’t have to end, Seren. We don’t have to part ways.”
I wet my lips as I thought of something to say. I wanted to say that I didn’t want it to end. I wanted to say that I would stay and make more memories with him. But before I could say anything at all, he kissed me. So gently, so lovingly that I choked back a sob. Reaching up a hand, I stroked the side of his face and kissed him in return. This was what I’d needed the night he’d returned from Avalon. Instead, he’d walked away. This was what I’d longed for since.
It was wrong. I knew it was wrong. But I needed him so badly.
His mouth moved against mine, the pressure slightly increasing. I inched my fingers around the back of his head, stroking them in the soft curls at the nape of his neck.
The Elder Mother (Riftkeepers Book 4) Page 16
