Kale, Rex, and I had spent many an afternoon running the fields as kids, kicking up dirt, causing trouble the way we’d always liked to do.
A couple of hours ago, I’d gotten a text from Rex to meet them there. I hadn’t even hesitated. I needed to get the hell out of my loft.
Nikki’s scent had been stalking me like a fucking drug since the second I’d woken up.
I could feel the fractures and splinters getting deeper and deeper. Cracking me open wide.
My thoughts dangerous.
My need dark.
The last four days, we’d basically avoided each other, me grunting hellos and her offering timid, unsure smiles as she hightailed it out the door as quickly as she could, spending as little time within the walls of my apartment as possible.
She’d be gone before I even woke in the morning and already fast asleep by the time I made it back upstairs after closing the bar.
You’d think with the little amount I actually saw her, it wouldn’t be all that bad.
Not true.
I was constantly on edge. Need gliding across my flesh like the sharp edge of a knife.
Lust and regret a bottomless pit in the well of my stomach.
Worry this constant thud that banged inside of me.
Seth still had no word on who might have broken into her apartment, and until he did? I wasn’t about to let her leave.
Guessed a little fresh air would do me some good.
I rounded the front of the truck and headed for the park.
Fields and playgrounds went on for what had to be a mile, all closed in by massive, ancient trees.
The second she saw me, Frankie Leigh came running in my direction. Long, brown hair flew behind her like a cape, wild and uncontained.
Grinning, I moved a little faster to meet her.
Like I said.
Sometimes it was impossible not to fall.
I dropped the football just in time to use her momentum to grab her under the arms and spin her around and around.
She howled with laughter, shouting, “Come on, Uncle, can’t you go any higher?”
She was a wild one, that was for sure, so damned happy and full of life there was no way you could be around her and not smile.
She reminded me a little of Nikki in that way, the way Nikki had been at her age, so eager to experience life; though, Nikki had done it with a tiny bit more fear.
Doses of hesitation coming on.
Careful.
It had always been Sydney who’d spur her on. Telling her to run. Jump. That she could do it.
I wondered when Nikki had decided to get so reckless.
Brave.
Which fucking sucked because the last thing I wanted was for her to be brave, constantly having to worry about the position she might be putting herself in. Stepping up when she thought it might right a wrong.
Make someone’s life better.
Even if it was just a conversation with a lonely old guy living on the street.
I beat back the direction my thoughts were going and instead focused on Frankie, who I was still spinning.
Her squeals of joy hit the air, and it didn’t take too long before I decided she had to have had enough and slowed to set her on her feet. Wasn’t surprised in the least when she went stumbling back toward the rest of the group, veering to the right, totally dizzy and off-kilter.
Had to admit, I felt a bit of that spin, too.
“She starts puking, and that’s on you. Hope you have a rag or two in your truck,” Rex shot in my direction as a smug grin tugged on his mouth.
He stood behind his tiny son, Ryland, who was facing out, both of the one-year-old boy’s hands in Rex’s as Rex helped him balance.
The little thing was doing his best to kick a soccer ball with his foot. Not moving it more than an inch but having a grand time doing it.
That shit was cute, that was for sure, the kid like a tiny version of his dad.
Sometimes it still fucked with my head to see Rex this way. Guy’d been one of my closest friends for pretty much all of my life.
He’d taken it about as hard as I had after Sydney had disappeared. Angry at the whole damned world because ours had been rocked, none of us able to make sense of something so brutal actually taking place.
Shocked.
Traumatized.
It’d taken that sweet little girl being born for his hardened pieces to start chipping away, meeting Rynna stripping the rest to the ground.
Disquiet tumbled through me. A rumble in that dark space. Sometimes it was hard to watch. Time moving on. People moving on. Sometimes, I wished that I could, too.
Didn’t matter if I wished for it or not. Knew I’d forever be a captive of that day.
I shoved the thoughts down and snatched up the ball where I’d dropped it and pointed it his direction. “You wish, man. Puke duty is not a part of my repertoire.”
Kale, who had been kneeling in front of Evan, pushed to standing and threw me a grin as he jumped into the conversation. “This from the guy who owns a bar and his sole purpose in life is to get people tanked. I’m pretty sure Olive’s has played host to a hurl or two.”
Kale was our opposite. All clean-cut lines and cleaner jaw, his title of pediatrician fitting him to a tee.
“Not a chance, man. Olive’s is the classiest of establishments. Assholes get trashed, and they’re out on their asses. Now you want to talk about what goes down on the front sidewalk in the middle of the night? That’s an entirely different story.”
“Language, man,” Rex said, angling his head to the side. Knew the look on his face. If we’d been fifteen, that would have been delivered with a punch.
“Sorry.”
Kale laughed. “Leave it to the bachelor not to be able to figure out how to act around kids.”
He glanced down when Evan reached up and tugged him by the hand to get his attention.
Evan’s hands flew through the air, quickly signing something I couldn’t read.
Kale smiled like a damned fool and signed back.
My chest tightened like the yank of a belt.
Evan’s adoption had just gone through. I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen the guy happier than that day.
Not that he needed the paper. Pretty sure the guy felt that way from moment one.
Loved seeing my crew happy. Finding love after all the bullshit that’d been tossed our way through the years.
Brutal blow after fucking brutal blow.
Two of them had always had my back, stood beside me during the toughest time of my life.
Both of them had handled it differently.
Rex had fallen into that anger and grief right along with me. Like he’d wanted to take some of it on, shoulder some of the burden like he might be able to grant me some relief, ridden with a dark empathy when I didn’t think he really had the first clue what I was going through.
Sydney hadn’t been his responsibility. Hadn’t been the one who was supposed to watch after her. Keep her safe.
Kale had stood up and become the rock and had been the one to eventually encourage me to move on. To find the bright side when my entire life had gone dark.
I waved back, moving Evan’s direction and leaning down in front of him. I ruffled a hand through his red hair.
“Hey, little man,” I told him, knowing he’d be able to read my lips. “Did you see what I brought?”
He dropped to his knees with that pad he used for communication, scribbled something quick. He turned it for me to see what he’d written, excitement streaking across the mass of freckles that dotted his pale face.
You brought my truck? I’m saving all my money from my chores so I can buy it when I get my license. I’ve got twenty dollars. Is that almost enough?
I chuckled under my breath when I read what he’d written.
“You’re gettin’ close, buddy. Real close. What do you say for now, we play for a bit and then we take it for a drive?”
His eyes went wide, and
he mouthed, Really?
“Really,” I told him, touching his chin.
Yep.
Impossible not to fall.
I stood and gave the football a small toss into the air. “Who’s the next Gingham Lakes High wide receiver? Is his name Evan Bryant?”
His eyes lit up behind his thick-rimmed glasses, and he gave me an emphatic nod of his head.
I gave it a soft pitch in his direction, and he fumbled along for the ball.
Kale watched him like a goddamned hawk.
Always wary of the kid’s heart.
Couldn’t imagine having to carry that weight. But neither he nor Hope would let their own fears get in the way of the kid living a full life. Just because he was born with a genetic defect that had almost taken his young life, his parents weren’t going to hold him back.
And man, did the kid live a full life. He was so full of it he shined.
He caught the ball against his chest, and Frankie went flying his way. Arms stretched out like she was soaring.
“Here, Evan. Throw it to me! I wanna catch it!”
Kinda made me sad that her adorable lisp had all but disappeared.
Guess time didn’t stop spinning, no matter how badly I might want it to.
Didn’t think it was possible, but Evan’s face lit up even more when he looked at Frankie, and he threw it with all his might, sending it soaring.
You know, about ten feet in the air.
Fucking cute.
“You’ve got a visitor, man, three o’clock,” Rex warned, and I turned in time to find Ryland toddling my way.
His arms were thrown up over his head, and he was giggling as he tottered over, anticipating that I was going to scoop him up.
I did.
It sent a tremor rolling through me.
Truth was, kids terrified me.
Terrified me in a way that wasn’t healthy.
Didn’t mean these three hadn’t melted through the hard places at the center of me. Worked their way in, my care fierce.
Would do absolutely everything in my power to keep them safe.
Ryland yanked at my beard with his chubby fingers, his grin so wide as he flashed me a row of four teeth on the top and two on the bottom.
He grunted hard like he was talking to me.
“Ouch, dude,” I chuckled, trying to unwind his death grip. “That hurts.”
Kid laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world.
So did his dad.
Like I said, his dad’s mini-me.
I scowled in Rex’s direction. “And this is funny, why?”
“Uh, how about because you’re holding my one-year-old like a backpack that might contain a bomb.”
It was just then I was realizing I had him under the arms, holding him out and away from me. My beard was just out of reach of his flailing arms. “Self-preservation, man. Kid’s about to tear me limb from limb.”
Such a pussy, Rex mouthed, smirk on his face as he came to collect his kid.
Such an asshole, I mouthed back.
Evan was all of a sudden in my line of sight, his hand going over his mouth like he was trying to shield himself from my corruption.
Awesome.
Turns out, Kale was totally right. I had no idea how to act around kids.
“Such a bad influence. You’re hopeless,” Kale taunted from behind, picking up the football and hurling it my direction.
Just like the old days.
I ran back, caught it with an oomph, and sent it sailing right back.
“Not sure what you expect. Don’t run into a lot of kids in my line of work. Sorry I’m not a kiddie doc who always knows the right thing to say.”
Catching it, he lifted his arms out to the side. “Has nothing to do with my profession. It’s just the natural charm.”
I shook my head with a laugh. “Charm? More like constant flow of BS. People just pretend like they tolerate you.”
“Which is why you show up to the park to hang out with me.”
Kale threw the football to Rex.
“Pretty pathetic, if you ask me.” Rex. Giving me shit just like the fucker always did.
Without a whole lot of effort, he reached out and caught the spiraling ball.
The look I shot him would have seared a lesser man in two. “Says the guy who said he would come drag my ass here if I didn’t show. Now tell me who the pathetic one is? Just felt sorry for you suckers, that’s all.”
Rex grinned as he stepped back to hurl the ball. “You’re just jealous our lives are filled with parks and diaper bags and spit-up rags. Super glamorous, right?”
“Jealous?” I tossed out, spinning on my heel to run, because Rex had an arm, that was for damned sure. The ball flew high and far.
Finally got out in front of it, and I caught it in both hands.
“Totally jealous,” Kale piped in. “Dude doesn’t have it in him to admit we have it right, and he’s the one missing out.”
“Right for you, man, right for you.”
Truth was, I knew they had it right. Saw it on their faces. They were living for the good in life. But that was the kind of good there was no chance I could stomach.
Because I couldn’t be trusted with the good things in life.
It’s your fault.
I trusted you.
You were supposed to take care of her.
You promised, you’d take care of her.
An echo of those words assaulted me, and I could almost feel the fists beating against my chest as my mother screamed in agony, her anguish its own phantom that would haunt me the rest of my life.
I threw the ball with everything I had, like it might take the sorrow with it. Peel it from my skin. Or maybe take me back to that time. Where I could change it. Make it right.
Kale grunted when he caught the blistering spiral. His eyes narrowed in awareness. The guy knew me well enough to latch on to exactly where my mind had gone.
“Seriously, Ollie. Joking aside. You belong here, man. With our kids. Our families. Don’t ever question that.”
That was what they’d become. Didn’t mean I didn’t continually feel like an outsider. The leech who had nothing but was desperate for something, latching on, the whole time praying I didn’t bleed them dry.
My voice went hoarse. “Love them like my family,” I forced out, my gaze moving to the kids, who were playing so free.
“That’s because they are your family. Think we all know well enough blood isn’t necessary to make that bond.” Rex’s words were low.
Emphatic.
Like he needed me to know.
Like he was reminding me of the way it’d been when we were kids. And truthfully, the way we were then. Could trust both of them with anything.
Rex began moving my way, angling his head at Kale to follow.
We met in the middle, moving away from the kids a bit. Clearly moving out of earshot.
“So, what’s this bullshit about Nikki’s place getting broken into? Any idea who it might have been?”
My head shook, unease tying up my guts. “No. She’s being tight-lipped about it.”
“Stubborn,” Kale said, almost offering a smile.
I huffed out a frustrated sound. “Tell me about it. Pretty sure it has something to do with that meeting she’s helping to run. She goes quiet the second I bring it up. Think she’s protecting someone.”
A fresh round of fury pulsed through my veins.
The acute need to protect Nikki.
The urge to hunt.
Problem was, I wasn’t sure what I’d do if I found the fucker who thought it’d be a good idea to mess with her.
“I called Seth this morning, and he said they still don’t have any leads.”
Couldn’t stand the thought that he was still out there.
“I don’t like this whole situation. Something just doesn’t sit right.”
That feeling continued to grow. Coming on stronger. An itchy awareness of an approaching storm. Something
wicked wound with the wind.
“She’s still staying at your place?” Kale asked.
“Yeah.”
As much as it was driving me straight out of my mind, I wasn’t letting her go anywhere.
Rex dipped his head quickly, happy with that answer. “Rynna is seriously messed up over it. Keeps bringing it up every night, worried about Nikki and what she’s going to do. You know Nikki . . . she tried to play it off like it wasn’t a big deal, but Rynna didn’t buy it. She suggested we find a house to flip and have Nikki rent it so she’s in a safer neighborhood.”
In contemplation, he looked away before bringing his attention back to me. “There was a building that went up for sale by the river. One of the deserted warehouses down on Row.”
Kale whistled. “Took a drive down that dirt road a few weeks back after we had a picnic at the lake. It’s like a fucking ghost town out there.”
Rex nodded. “Yup. Place is just about as dilapidated as they come . . . junkies using it as a drug house and God knows what else . . . but the location is mint. And you know Broderick, he’s always thinking big. He wants in. Luxury condos right on the river. He’s envisioning developing the area into a destination spot with stores and restaurants and maybe another hotel in the future. Think I’m gonna keep a couple units for investment, make it affordable for Nikki. She can stay there as long as she wants until she decides on a permanent place.”
With me.
The thought struck me from out of nowhere.
Fuck.
No.
Not from out of nowhere.
I knew exactly which direction it hit me from. Where it lived. In that deep, deep space that would always fucking belong to that girl. The piece of me she would always hold in the palm of her hand.
The only girl I’d ever loved. The one I wanted but couldn’t keep.
Throat lined with razors, I swallowed hard. “Sounds like a solid plan.”
“Thought so, too. Stand to make a lot of money, so it isn’t gonna hurt us a bit to keep one of the units for Nik, even though I know she’s gonna be all up in arms about it. We’re going to have to ease her into the idea.”
“I agree.”
He eyed me. “Not sure what she’s going to do in the meantime. It’s going to take us at least a year to get the first condos ready, but I don’t like the idea of her staying at that apartment.”
Lead Me Home: A Fight for Me Stand-Alone Novel Page 10
