He’d had sex with two other girls.
It hadn’t come close to feeling like this.
He was overwhelmed that Nikki trusted him with it.
With her.
He crawled under the covers with her, and he gathered her closer, holding her in a way he never had.
Their noses touched. Their breaths mingled. Their hearts joined.
And Ollie . . . he found her again, in their hidden spot, though this time, they would never be the same.
He knew as they moved beneath the moonlight that he was going to keep her.
That he’d give up anything for her.
Anything.
Anyone.
Protect her with all he had.
If she was lost, he would always find her.
That was what loving someone was all about.
Giving all of yourself.
Completely.
And Nikki Walters owned every part of him.
33
Nikki
I sucked in a shattered breath as I stumbled to stand, catching myself on the back of the chair.
“What did you just say?”
I’d still been staring at my sister.
Caught up in the fact she was there.
But there was no missing what Maggie had whispered to Nina after she’d looked at something on her phone.
“I’m sorry, Miss Nikki, I wasn’t trying to disrupt the group. My mama just texted me three times in a row, and I figured I’d better check to make sure my kids weren’t tearing her house down.”
I blinked, frantically shook my head, and tried to swallow around the sticky dread that had wrapped me in chains so quickly I was sure I was being strangled. “No . . . tell me what you just said. What you just whispered.”
She frowned. “They found a body out by the river near those old, abandoned buildings. News report said they think it’s that poor girl Sydney Preston who went missing all those years ago. So sad.”
No.
Oh . . . God . . . no.
My hand went to my stomach as my body bent in half, and I tried to draw air in to my lungs. Through that haze of disbelief and sorrow.
I only managed to draw in more.
Shock.
Anguish.
A chatter of uneasy, confused voices sounded, each one hitting me so hard they had to be boxing my ears.
I shoved my chair back, stumbling as I broke out of the circle that was suffocating me. My head spun, faster than the walls that canted and tipped.
At the same time, every evil force in the world pressed down.
I could feel it crush my heart right in the center of my chest.
I didn’t know how I made it across the floor, but my hand shot out to keep myself from dropping to my knees when I reached the stairwell, my feet failing beneath me.
Like everything else. My heart and my spirit and my belief.
From behind, an arm looped around my middle, holding me up. My sister’s voice was so soft as it moved through the daze. “I’ve got you, Nik. Oh, God, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m right here. I’ve got you.”
She helped me to stand. Eyes the same color as mine searched my face as I sagged against the wall. “I need . . . I need to get to Ollie.”
She nodded. “Okay . . . I’ll drive you.”
I didn’t even process the ride over. The grief was too overwhelming. Every single beat of my splintered heart was excruciating.
Rynna had texted me a hundred times, my phone blipping incessantly when I’d fumbled to turn it on where I sat in Sammie’s car.
Rynna: Are you okay?
Rynna: Call me.
Rynna: I’m here if you need me.
Texts from Lily had started up right after, a bunch of calls that I couldn’t bring myself to answer.
I had to get to Ollie.
My sister kept glancing over at me, kneading the wheel, so much concern and care on her face. “I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now.”
My head shook, voice barely breaking the air. “I . . . I always knew she was gone. But it’d always felt like her spirit had just been swept away. In my mind, I’d imagined she’d ridden off on the wind to find some new adventure. This . . .”
A gasp pulled from my spirit, and sickness bubbled and churned in that well of grief. That place deep inside that had been shored up and protected. A vat of misery and despair and questions.
That dam had been broken, and every ounce of it surged through me. A devastating flood.
She glanced at me before turning her attention back to the road. “They aren’t even sure it’s her.”
She cringed when she said it.
Because we both knew it was her.
It was Sydney.
Her name begged from the depths of me.
Sammie pulled to the curb in front of Olive’s. I jumped out and bolted for the door, flinging it open, gasping as my attention jumped around the space.
Ollie wasn’t behind the bar, and Cece lifted one of her defined brows and gave a shrug, but there was concern behind it.
And I knew.
I knew, I knew, I knew.
Ollie had already heard.
Dread balled in the pit of my stomach.
I didn’t slow as I raced down the hall and up the three flights of stairs to his loft.
My feet had finally found their purpose.
Ollie.
Ollie.
I burst through the door.
Then I skidded to a stop.
Dense darkness echoed back.
So dark it coated my eyes.
Coated my spirit.
Only the blips coming from the television that played illuminated what was stricken on his face.
Torment.
Agony.
Slowly, his gaze lifted to mine, as if he couldn’t process that I was there.
Vacant.
I could feel the distance grow so immense between us I had no idea how I would reach him.
Rushing for him, I dropped to my knees in front of him where he sat on the couch.
Unmoving.
“Ollie,” I whispered, desperation on my tongue. I lifted onto my knees so I could hold his face.
His beautiful, tortured face.
His eyes dropped closed, and there was nothing but pain on his lips. “Please, don’t touch me.”
I clung to him tighter. “Ollie . . . I’m so sorry.”
As if my words had snapped him out of the daze, he flew to his feet, writhing as if he were being burned alive.
Misery in his eyes and alcohol on his breath. “This can’t be happening, Nikki. Tell me it’s not happening.”
I fumbled to standing, my arms across my middle as I tried to keep myself upright, as if I could physically hold myself together. “I’m so sorry”
What else was I going to say. That it was okay? Because this was most definitely not okay.
“Tell me what I can do,” I begged instead.
His brow pinched. “What can you do? You can’t do anything, Nikki. It’s already done. My sister is gone.”
Him saying it sent shards of glass blasting through me.
He whirled away, gripping fistfuls of his hair as a groan erupted from his soul.
His entire body clenched, and he harshly shook his head, voice gravel. “I was supposed to save her. I spent my whole life looking for her. Searching for her. Thinking someday, I would make this right. That I’d fix what I’d done. And I can’t fix it.”
A sob raked from him, and he dropped to his knees and buried his face in his hands.
“My sister is gone. Oh, God. She’s dead. She’s dead.”
Whimpers echoed from him.
A shattered, broken cry.
The man was falling apart in front of my eyes.
I wanted to hold him.
Fix him.
But neither of us were capable of fixing this.
He was right.
It was already done.
The only thing we c
ould do was be there for each other in the middle of it.
Slowly, I inched toward him, kneeling as I set a hand on his arm.
He flinched.
“I’m right here, Ollie.”
Under my touch, I could feel the tremor roll through him.
Crushed, he finally turned his potent gaze on me. “I have no idea who the fuck I’m supposed to be.”
My mouth quivered, and I searched his face. “You’re supposed to be mine.”
Sorrow swam.
So thick.
So deep.
Quicksand.
“I don’t know how to do that when all I see when I look at you is Sydney standing at your side.”
Pain squashed my lungs.
Obliterating air.
I blinked. Wanting to negate it. To tell him we could overcome it.
“Ollie?” I begged quietly.
Praying he’d refute it.
Say what he’d implied wasn’t true.
But his expression shifted.
Hardened.
The walls coming up.
They swore there was no way for us to overcome this.
My nod was slow surrender as I pushed back to standing.
“I have to go.”
I turned and fumbled for the door.
Barely able to stand.
A new kind of grief cut through me.
Overpowering.
Overbearing.
Too much.
How was I supposed to stand under it all?
“Nik,” he suddenly begged. His voice gruff. “Don’t just take off.”
It only propelled me faster.
I needed to get away.
Run from this grief.
I clamored back out into the hall.
I could feel his presence from behind, a shockwave that banged against the walls.
“Nikki.”
His voice sounded like heartbreak.
Like an apology.
Like a goodbye.
I paused to look back at him, barely able to force out the words. “I will always love you, Ollie, but I can’t be with you when you don’t know how to love me back.”
I’d known to guard my heart.
I’d known. I’d known all along.
Oliver Preston was armor and stone.
Bitterness and venom.
Broken fragments.
Shrapnel waiting to bust.
He was the bullet that pierced right through the center of me.
Barely able to see, I ran back down the hall and hit the door that led to the steps. Holding onto the railing, I bounded downstairs.
Sniffling, trying to hold back the sob that bottled in my throat.
At the bottom, I blew out the backdoor and the sob broke free.
It echoed on the night.
Resounding.
A boomerang.
It bounced back, slamming into me, adding to the turmoil that sieged every cell in my body.
Hands shaking, I fumbled into my purse and pulled out my phone, barely able to make the call.
Sammie answered on the first ring. “Are you okay?”
I could hardly speak. “No. I’m not okay.”
“Where are you?”
“At the back of Olive’s,” I begged through another cry.
“Stay right there. I’ll be there to get you in five minutes.”
“Okay.”
I ended the call and hugged my arms across my chest, tears streaking free.
There was no way to stop them.
Solid ground had finally been ripped from beneath our feet.
My heart shattered, pieces scattered.
Verification that we’d lost Sydney in this horrible, horrible way crumbled the last of our foundation.
I guessed it’d been flimsy and unstable, anyway.
But now it was Ollie who was lost beneath the rubble.
Unable to see his way out of it.
Unable to see past what he thought was a failure.
And he’d broken my heart all over again while mine broke for him.
I wanted to hold him and make promises I couldn’t keep.
That one day it wouldn’t hurt so bad.
But I knew that would only be a lie.
Headlights cut into the back-alley road, and Sammie’s car came to a stop in front of me.
The front passenger door flew open, and Sammie jumped out, her husband Lyle in the driver’s seat.
I collapsed in her arms and wept.
“I’ve got you, Nikki. It’s going to be okay.”
I nodded against her, even though I couldn’t bring myself to believe it was true.
Finally, I pried myself away and climbed into the backseat with Penelope, took the little girl’s hand, clinging to the comfort she brought.
Looking at her had always made me feel as if the world could be a better place.
I just wished I could still believe that as the truth.
They swung by where I’d left my car outside the building, and Lyle took my keys and said he’d meet us back at the house, doing what he could to lighten some of the load.
As if I’d give my car a second thought.
But he’d always been a doer, and I understood the feeling of being helpless, desperate to find something to do.
Sammie moved into the driver’s seat.
I stayed stagnant in the backseat, silent tears running down my face.
They didn’t stop or slow when we went inside.
Choked sobs erupted at unexpected times, as if the sorrow would bottle and pressurize and then burst to do it all over again.
Sammie made me a spot on the couch to sleep, and I hugged the blankets around my body as it if might offer comfort.
“Do you want me to sit with you?” Sammie finally asked, fidgeting, her house quiet in the dark hours of the night.
“No, you go on to bed and get some rest. There’s nothing you can do.”
I needed to be alone.
To process.
To grieve.
She wavered as if she was going to stay anyway. “I want to be here for you, too,” she whispered, as if she were trying to cross a bridge.
My eyes blinked open to her.
Bleary and blurry.
Burning from the tears.
Something passed through her expression.
“I know that. Thank you.”
She nodded quickly and then ducked her head down the hall, shutting off the last light and casting the entire house in a dreary darkness.
I didn’t toss.
I just laid there.
Frozen in the silence.
Tied by sorrow.
Cutting, blinding grief.
I’d felt as if I’d lost both of them all over again.
As if I was taken back to the day when my world went dim.
Because Ollie . . .
He’d always been my great big world.
Finally, I drifted on it, exhaustion taking hold of my consciousness. Horrible dreams just raced in to take its place.
My eyes popped open, a fresh sob on my breath, night still all around me. Disoriented, I blinked through it. I jerked my head when I felt the presence at my side.
“Sammie,” I gasped, my eyes going wide when I found my sister sitting on the floor next to me, her knees tucked to her chest as she rocked.
Even in the darkness, I could see the shimmer of tears that stained her cheeks.
“What’s wrong?” I whispered fiercely, shooting up to sitting, the worry for her chasing away the weight that wanted to pin me down. “What happened?”
Shivers of pain radiated from her.
“I went to that meetin’ last night, thinking I was going to be able to talk to you.”
Oh God.
My heart raced.
Banged at my ribs.
“And I’m so sorry this is comin’ now . . . when you’re going through so much. I just don’t think I can keep it inside anymore. Everything feels wrong.”
I kn
ew this was her way of opening a door.
Breaching a divide.
Inviting me inside.
I wanted to be there. For her.
Even though I was terrified I might not be strong enough to handle anything else. If my emotions might get the better of me.
“I’m always here for you, Sammie. No matter what is happening in my life, I will always be here for you.”
“I know that,” she mumbled, hugging her knees tighter, her attention darting all over the living room as if she was searching for ghosts among the shadows.
Finally, she turned her tortured gaze back on me, the words forced from her mouth. “He’s back.”
Confused, I sat forward more as I tried to decipher what she was trying to say. “Who?”
She swiped the back of her hand under her nose. “Uncle Todd.”
“What?”
The name rocked me back.
Shocked.
Stunned.
Horrified by the look on Sammie’s face.
Sickness turned in my guts, and I was sure I was gonna throw up.
She blinked a bunch of times, as if she were seeing things she didn’t want to see. “I . . . I thought I was okay, Nikki. For all these years, I’d convinced myself it was okay because he was gone. All my prayers had been answered because he’d just . . . moved. Was gone. So, I shoved it down and pretended like it didn’t exist, and then he came back to help Grandma and . . . and . . . it was all right back there again.”
Dread.
It chained and bound.
Everything felt too heavy.
Crushing.
I tried to breathe around it. To convince my heart it was okay to still beat.
I needed to be strong for my sister.
She needed me. She needed me, and I needed to be there for her.
“What exactly are you sayin’?” I tried to keep the question soft. Frame it like I would to anyone who came to me for help.
But it felt impossible when my baby sister was the one sitting there looking at me.
“Didn’t you think Uncle Todd was a creep?” she almost begged.
Leading me. Trying to get me to a point without her having to say it.
I swallowed hard, my mind reeling through a million memories.
Had I missed it?
Because it hit me.
The way he’d been too attentive.
Too interested in what we were doing.
Lead Me Home: A Fight for Me Stand-Alone Novel Page 30
