Kait was no crusader like her middle daughter, or her grandmother, who had turned a tsunami that nearly drowned her into a wave they’d all ridden for many years. She had been a trailblazer for women, which was unheard of and rare in her day. She had proven that a woman with no training and no skills, brought up to do absolutely nothing except to look beautiful and be a companion to her husband, could actually succeed with the limited resources at hand. Children were still eating and loving her 4 Kids cookies all over the world. Kait had always loved them herself, although the commercial ones weren’t as good as what had come out of her grandmother’s oven when she was a child, but they were still delicious and sold well. She occasionally followed her grandmother’s old recipes for one of her fancier cakes, particularly the Viennese Sacher torte that was her favorite as a child, although Kait made no claim to being a talented baker or chef. She had other skills, as evidenced by her column for Woman’s Life.
She decorated the tree that night long after midnight. She put the prettiest, more recent ornaments closer to the top for the adults to admire, and the treasured sentimental ones of her childhood and her children’s on the lower branches where her granddaughters could enjoy them. She finished, and stood back to admire the result at three in the morning, and went to bed with a long to-do list for the next day.
She was up and busy at eight o’clock, and by late afternoon on Saturday, the house looked perfect and she was happy. She went to the supermarket to buy the last of what she needed. She set the table, checked their bedrooms, and spent the evening wrapping their gifts, with a DVD of her old favorite television series, Downton Abbey, playing in the background. The show had gone off the air several years before, but she still enjoyed it, and the characters felt like old friends. It was nice to hear voices in the room, and it gave her a sense of someone with her. She’d watched it so often that she knew much of the dialogue by heart. Her children teased her about it, but she loved the way it was written. It was a family saga that had originated in England with a British cast and become a huge hit in the States by its second year. And the grandmother in it sometimes reminded her of her own.
The gifts she had chosen for her family were as varied as they were. She had bought Tom a beautiful leather jacket that was just jazzy enough for his life in Texas and he could wear on weekends. And she found a handbag and a big gold necklace from a trendy designer she knew Maribeth loved. She’d gotten Stephanie and Frank fleece-lined denim jackets, and hiking gear, since they lived in jeans, and owned only hiking boots and running shoes. Stephanie always stared in horror at the stilettos her sister-in-law wore. Kait had bought them all books and music as stocking stuffers, and American Girl dolls for both of her granddaughters, appropriate to their ages, with all the accessories that came with them.
She’d had a ball buying the dolls a month before, and watched what children their ages were begging their parents for when she picked them. And Maribeth had given her some hints, which helped her. Kait and her daughter-in-law had always gotten along, although they couldn’t have been more different. And Kait was well aware that Maribeth had made a concerted effort to turn Tom into a Texan. He wore cowboy hats in Dallas, and had custom-made cowboy boots in every possible exotic skin, from alligator to lizard, given to him by his father-in-law. Tommy had entirely blended into his adopted world, which would have been hard to resist, given the accolades and benefits it provided him. He adored his wife and children, just as his mother had loved him and his sisters as children, and still did. At times she missed them all fiercely, but she never let herself dwell on it. It was enough knowing they were happy, and she had a good life too. She followed her grandmother’s example, celebrating what she had and never complaining about what she didn’t.
She opened her eyes on the morning of Christmas Eve, filled with anticipation, excited to see them in a few hours. She tried to call Candace on her cellphone, but couldn’t reach her. Kait showered and dressed, put on black jeans, a red sweater, and ballet flats, checked the apartment again, and turned on the tree lights. She was ready. Tommy and his family were arriving in the early afternoon, on his father-in-law’s plane, and on Christmas night, they would be joining him at an enormous property he had rented in the Bahamas, to spend the rest of the vacation with him. Tommy and Maribeth and the children spent the Christmas break with him every year, after spending the actual holiday in New York with Kait. It had been their tradition since they married seven years before.
Kait was too excited to eat lunch, and read through some of the letters she still had to answer. And after that she updated her blog, which was enormously popular. She had children’s Christmas carols on the stereo for Meredith and Lucie Anne. It was Lucie Anne who looked so much like her father and grandmother, and was a Whittier through and through. She was a little fireball with huge green eyes, red hair, and freckles, who was polite to adults, but fearless and asked amazingly intelligent questions for a four-year-old. Meredith, Merrie, was shyer, more cautious, more demure, and very southern, like her mother. She loved to draw and wrote poetry for school. Both were bright, interesting children, and Kait wished she had the chance to spend more time with them and get to know them better, but the children’s lives were so full, with school and extracurricular activities, that even when Kait was there to visit, the girls hardly had a spare moment for her. A couple of visits to Texas during the year, sandwiched into their parents’ hectic schedule, and their annual Christmas visit never seemed like enough.
Stephanie had taken the first commercial flight out of San Francisco, and would be at the apartment by three P.M. Stephanie had no interest whatsoever in marriage or children, and Kait wondered if she ever would. Stephanie thought that marriage was an antiquated tradition that was no longer relevant, and she had never been attracted to the idea of having kids. She preferred the company of adults with similar interests, and Frank agreed with her. They were in love with their work and each other, and there was no room in their life for children. And Candace was light-years from settling down with anyone, given her work for the BBC and her own career goals.
Kait listened to other women talk about the time they spent with their grandchildren, and how much they enjoyed them, but it wasn’t part of her life in the same way, or maybe her destiny. Kait regretted that she wasn’t as engaged with her grandchildren as her grandmother had been, but she saw them too seldom and for too little time to connect deeply with them. All she could do was spoil them a little and try to get to know them. She was busy with her column and her own life, and her grandchildren felt like someone else’s children.
When the doorbell rang at two o’clock, she was prepared. The moment the door opened, her son hugged her and strode into the room in a suit, Maribeth took off her coat and couldn’t stop admiring how beautiful the tree was, and the decorations, and Merrie and Lucie Anne danced in looking like little fairies. Lucie was wearing her favorite tutu under her red coat, and she told Kait immediately all about her ballet lessons and the recital she was going to be in in June. Kait brought out sandwiches and cookies, she had eggnog for the adults and hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows for the two girls, and they all chattered excitedly as Kait glowed. She loved it when her children were home.
Stephanie arrived an hour later, in jeans and hiking boots, and a heavy plaid wool jacket of Frank’s she’d borrowed for the trip. She was happy to see her brother as he hugged her, and the two girls were delighted to see their aunt, who was always fun and loved getting up to mischief with them. As soon as she set down her suitcase in her small childhood room behind the kitchen, they came in to bounce on her bed, and she let them.
It was a wonderfully warm, cozy afternoon, which they all thoroughly enjoyed, and that night they dressed for dinner. The two little girls wore smocked party dresses that Kait had sent them that looked like the ones their aunts used to wear at their age. Maribeth had on a sexy black cocktail dress, and Stephanie arrived in a wh
ite sweater with her jeans, and didn’t change the hiking boots she had on, since she had forgotten to bring shoes, as she always did. Tom was properly dressed in a suit and tie. Kait had worn black silk pants and a lace blouse and small diamond earrings that had been her grandmother’s and she loved.
The conversation was lively at the table and afterward Kait helped the two little girls set out a plate of cookies for Santa, with a glass of milk, carrots and salt for the reindeer, a ritual they followed every year. Kait helped Maribeth put them to bed, and read them a Christmas story, while Stephanie and her brother discussed the new computer system they were switching over to in his father-in-law’s business, and she warned him of things to watch out for, which he found very informative. His sister was more knowledgeable about computers than anyone he knew, and he trusted her advice.
The adults sat up until long after midnight once the children were in bed. They used to go to midnight mass before Merrie and Lucie Anne were born, but they had no one to leave the girls with, and they were too young to join them for church late at night, so it was no longer part of their routine, for now anyway. And just as they were about to go to bed, Candace called them on Skype. It was already Christmas Day for her, and they all talked to her and caught up on what she was doing and where she was. Tom held the laptop so she could see the tree, and she told her mother that it looked beautiful, and she wished she was there with them. It brought tears to Kait’s eyes to see her, and she promised to come to London to visit her, as soon as Candace got back from her current assignment. It gave her something to look forward to, and Candace teased her younger sister and asked if she was wearing hiking boots or shoes, and Stephanie laughed and held up a foot to show her the boots, and they all laughed with her.
“I forgot my shoes,” she said with a big grin.
“Yeah, right. Tell me about it. I don’t think you own any. You always borrow mine when I come home for Christmas,” she reminded her, and Stephanie laughed harder. “How’s Frank? Did he come with you?” Stephanie shook her head.
“I’m meeting him in Montana day after tomorrow. He’s fine. We’re going to spend a week with his parents. His dad’s been sick so he wanted to visit with him.” The two sisters didn’t talk often, so they took advantage of the holiday call, and they were on with her for half an hour before they ended it.
Kait looked nostalgic afterward. “I hope one of these days you all come home at the same time,” she said. They had all noticed that Candace was thinner, and the area around her was rugged, but she seemed happy, and she said she’d be back in London for a few weeks, but probably not for long. They were all moving ahead at full speed in their own lives, and Kait had her own. She couldn’t imagine what she would have done if she didn’t. She would have been lost if she didn’t have a job she loved that filled her time, and she was reminded again that you can’t hang on to your children, and they’re only on loan to you for a short time.
After the call, they all went to their rooms and went to bed. Maribeth apologized to her mother-in-law for taking over her room, and Kait assured her that she was happy to give it to them. She liked sleeping in Candace’s old room, next to the girls. And she had told them when she went to bed to wake her in the morning, which she knew they would.
She wrote letters from Santa for them to find in the morning, along with the stockings she filled with Christmas candy, lollipops, and small toys and little books and things to keep them busy. It had been a tradition with her children too, like all the others they followed.
The apartment was quiet after that, until the two girls pounced on Kait’s bed in the morning, squealing with delight over what Santa had left them in their stockings. And she read the Santa letters with them, which praised them for being such good girls all year and assured them that they were at the top of Santa’s “Nice” list.
When the other adults got up, in bathrobes and pajamas, they opened the gifts from Kait under the tree, because the girls couldn’t wait a moment longer. Everyone loved their presents, and Tom and Maribeth gave Kait a beautiful antique gold heart-shaped locket on a chain with photographs of Merrie and Lucie Anne in it. Stephanie gave her a new computer, which she’d had delivered before she came. It was supposed to be state-of-the-art and much better than the one Kait had at home now. Stephanie set it up for her and showed her all the applications she’d added, and she had bought her the latest phone to go with it. Tom and Maribeth brought out the gifts from Santa that they’d brought with them, and a few from them for everyone.
And then they all had breakfast together, went to get dressed, sat in the living room while the girls played with their dolls, and had a casual lunch in the kitchen. The day sped by, and Kait had an ache in her heart at six o’clock when Maribeth dressed the girls in their traveling clothes, and at six-thirty they left the house, after endless hugs. They were on their way to the airport in New Jersey where Maribeth’s father’s plane was waiting to take them to the Bahamas. Kait sat in the living room talking quietly to Stephanie after they were gone, trying to fight back tears. In a single day she felt closer to her granddaughters, and then they were gone again.
“It all goes so quickly,” Kait said softly. Stephanie was leaving at six o’clock the next morning. For Kait, Christmas was almost over, and it had been very sweet.
“At least we still come home, Mom,” Stephanie reminded her, and Kait knew it was hard for them to understand how much it meant to her, and how different her life was without them. Letting go was a fine art she’d had to learn once they grew up, and it was far from easy. Being with them always made her regret again that they didn’t live in the same city. Life would have been very different if she could see them any time and have lunch or dinner with them. She had been given back her own life to fill and reorganize once they grew up, and she knew from the letters she answered in her column that it was a challenge other women struggled with as well. One minute you were a family, and the next you were alone, in some cases, although she never whined about it or complained to her children or even her friends. She tried to make it look easy, out of pride and respect for them. But the ache in her heart was almost tangible after Tom and his family left. She never wanted any of them to know how much it hurt to be apart from them. She felt that her happiness wasn’t their responsibility, but only her own. She reminded her readers of it too, and told them to take charge of their own lives, and fill their time proactively.
“Frank wanted me to spend Christmas with him and his family this year,” Stephanie added, and Kait was grateful she hadn’t. “But I didn’t want to do that to you. I knew you’d be disappointed.”
“Yes, I would,” Kait confirmed to her. “Very much so. Our holidays together mean the world to me.” She looked forward to them all year, but she didn’t want to sound pathetic to her daughter.
“I know, Mom,” Stephanie said quietly and patted her shoulder, and then they went out to the kitchen to eat leftovers and talk about how cute Tom’s daughters were. Stephanie commented that he was a very good father and seemed surprised by it. “It’s so time-consuming. I don’t know how he does it.”
“It’s worth it,” Kait explained to her.
“I guess that’s why Frank and I don’t want kids,” Stephanie said seriously. “It’s too much to deal with. I can’t see myself ever doing that.”
“You might feel differently about it later.” Stephanie was only twenty-six.
“Maybe,” she said, but she didn’t look convinced. They finished dinner and cleaned up the kitchen, and Stephanie put the dishes in the dishwasher for her mother. “It’s so odd in a way,” she commented. “I never think of you as old, or as a grandmother. You’re still so young. It must be nice to have your own life back and have all of us grown up and out of the nest while you can still enjoy it.” Kait looked at her and realized how little her daughter understood of motherhood, and what a void it left when kids grew up and took off, no matter how youn
g you were.
“My happiest years were when you were all young and still at home. I enjoy my life now and my work, but nothing ever compares to that. I guess some people are relieved when their kids leave. But you all spoiled me, and were damn nice to have around,” she said ruefully, and gave her daughter a hug. “I was never in a hurry for you to leave, and I love it when you come home.” Stephanie nodded, but still had no concept of how much her mother missed her, even if she had a good life of her own.
“You should get a boyfriend, Mom. That would be fun for you. You’re still great looking. Frank thinks you’re hot,” she said sincerely, and Kait laughed.
“Tell him thank you for the compliment. And where do you suggest I find one? Place a personal ad? Send out a mailer? Pick up guys in bars?” Kait was teasing her. Life seemed so simple at Stephanie’s age, and she lived on her own planet, where other people’s lives weren’t real to her. She had always been that way, and now Frank had joined her in their limited universe, where they related better to computers than people.
The Cast Page 3
