“You know, I didn’t expect you to show up, let alone remember me.”
He cocked his head to the side.
“You left quite an impression.”
I wondered what that meant but decided against asking.
“Um, so… There’s a bar I know that’s not far from here. It’s quiet so we can talk without shouting at each other.”
He gave me a nod and put his hand out as if to say ‘show me the way’. I was glad he hadn’t offered me his arm or anything. I had the urge to comfort him last time, but touching other people was still weird for me. Hell, being close to another person made my scars itch, but I didn’t mind James so much. He put a respectful distance between us as we walked.
I realised I was going to have to tell him something about myself because that’s what we’d promised. A story from my past. It would be opening a huge can of worms, but a promise was a promise. Perhaps I could start with something easy. Was there anything easy about my past? Not really. I hadn’t thought this part through.
“Bartended any more weddings?”
I jumped at the sound of his voice. He gave me an apologetic look. God, why was I being so awkward? Of course he was going to talk to me. It was just weird for me to be going out for a drink with someone. I hadn’t really done this like ever. Not in the almost two and a half years since I was rescued nor at any point before that. I didn’t have friends and I certainly didn’t keep in touch with anyone I knew from that time. I preferred not to be reminded of what happened back then.
“We had one last week. It was a lot bigger so there were three of us behind the bar.”
Two hundred guests to be exact. It was some famous musician’s wedding held in the largest function room. They had a live band and it was really loud. I hadn’t liked that part much. Crowds and loud noises still bothered me, but I’d focused on my job, which got me through the night. When I went home to my tiny studio flat, I sat in my cupboard for the longest time with my hands over my ears until the ringing stopped. Sometimes it was the only place I felt safe.
“How did it compare?”
“I preferred your brother’s. No one threw up all over the bar.”
“That happened?”
I nodded.
“Oh yeah, it was pink projectile vomit. I was on the other side of the bar so avoided it, but one of the other girls got it all over her shirt and in her hair.”
He scrunched up his face in disgust. I couldn’t blame him. The whole thing made me feel queasy. Luckily the cleaners dealt with it so the rest of us didn’t have to. The projectile vomiter had been swiftly evicted and things settled down a little after that. The function room was a complete bomb site by the time the last guests left at one in the morning. The hotel likely charged the bride and groom extra for the mass clean up. Some celebrities thought they could get away with anything.
“How long have you been working there?”
“Six months.”
The longest job I’d ever had. I’d tried so hard at the other ones, but I was still having panic attacks and breakdowns at that point. Now I was stable, mostly. I could deal with the day shifts and the few nights I worked at the hotel. It wasn’t so bad. They knew about some of my history and made adjustments for me, but so far, I hadn’t had any trouble.
“Can I ask how old you are?”
“You can ask me whatever you want, just no guarantees I’ll answer.”
“So… your age is off limits?”
I smiled and shook my head.
“Twenty three.”
“Same as me then.”
I hadn’t realised he was so young. I mean, he looked kind of young. Maybe it was the stubble which made him seem a little older.
We turned a corner and walked a little further until I stopped outside a nondescript building. The little jazz bar was in the basement. James followed me down the steps. Some nights I came here alone just to listen to the music. It was never busy which suited me. The bar itself was cosy with blue velvet upholstery on the small booths and chairs. There was a lot of exposed wood and bricks with art deco lampshades. An eclectic mix of old and new.
“What do you drink?” I asked when we reached the bar.
“What do you usually have?”
“Amaretto Sours.”
“Make it two then.”
I gave him a smile, a little surprised he wanted to have the same drink as me.
“Hey Sandro, two of my usual please,” I said when the bartender walked up.
“You got it. Say, this is a first. Are you on a date, Ellie?”
I almost choked on my own breath. Sandro was the regular bartender at Frankie’s so I’d built up a little bit of a rapport with him since I started coming here six months ago. This was the first time I’d brought someone with me.
I didn’t dare look at James when I answered.
“Uh, no. Just a… friend.”
“Well, chica, your friend is easy on the eyes.”
Can I just die right now?
Sandro was a flirt. He would literally flirt with a broom if he could. It didn’t matter if you were male or female, no one escaped Sandro’s wicked tongue.
I mean, okay, Sandro had a point. It wasn’t like James was unattractive, but I wasn’t looking for someone to date. Especially not someone I knew was in love with his married best friend.
I glanced at James but he was shaking his head, ocean blue eyes twinkling with amusement.
Sandro placed our drinks on the bar, giving me a wink. I was about to pull out my purse, but James was already there with his card, waving it over the machine. We picked up our drinks and sat in the far corner in a booth. We could still see the small stage but no one would disturb us here. This was my usual spot anyway.
“You didn’t have to do that,” I said after I’d slipped off my jacket. I was wearing a long sleeved thin green shirt and black jeans with ballet flats.
“Do what?”
“Buy the drinks.”
He tilted his head to the side, watching me under his long eyelashes. Most women would be jealous of those. Admittedly, I was a little.
“You can get the next ones if it makes you feel better.”
“Deal.”
He smiled and sat back. He wasn’t wearing a suit. Just a plain navy t-shirt, jeans and trainers. It suited him better, the casual look.
I took a sip of my drink and he did the same, watching me over the glass.
“So, Ellie… Do we need to get drunk before sharing a story? Who goes first?”
I fiddled with my glass for a moment.
“I can… if you want. Also, I’m a lightweight so getting drunk could be on the cards.”
He grinned.
“Good to know. For future reference and all.”
“Why, planning on trying to take advantage of me?”
He almost choked on his drink.
“What? No. I don’t… I’m not that sort of person.”
I smiled and shook my head.
“Sorry, my sense of humour clearly isn’t hitting the mark.”
He raised an eyebrow and set his drink back on the table.
“No, no, I like it.”
I felt my face growing hot. No one had ever told me they liked something about me before. It was stupid really that it made me feel good inside.
“Were you waiting ages for me? At the hotel I mean.”
“No. We never specified a time, but it was only like five minutes.”
“Maybe we should do that next time.”
Why the hell did I just blurt that out?
Would there be a next time? I couldn’t deny I wanted a friend. Someone to confide in at least.
“Maybe we should.”
I was stalling now. I had no idea what to tell him. There were so many places I could start, but perhaps it was better not to scare him off. What would he think about my past? The horrors inflicted on me. How did you even go about telling someone
that kind of shit?
I knocked back the rest of my drink, trying to settle my nerves. I could feel his eyes on me.
“Another?” he asked.
“My round.”
I got up abruptly. Why had this been easier last time? Talking to him, I mean.
You weren’t talking about yourself then.
If he noticed my nervous behaviour, he didn’t comment. I got us two more Amaretto Sours after getting raised eyebrows from Sandro about my companion and brought them over.
“You don’t have to tell me anything, you know. We’re complete strangers so I can understand why this would be weird.”
I hadn’t expected him to say that.
“I want to. My life is complicated and I honestly don’t want to scare the crap out of you or anything with it.”
He gave me a reassuring smile.
“Trust me, you won’t.”
I took a deep breath, then undid the button on my left shirt sleeve and rolled it up slightly. I held it out to him so he could see the almost crescent shaped faded burn mark on my forearm.
“I got that when I was sixteen. My… I… someone held an iron to my skin.”
I was about to tell him one of my tormentors did it to me but I wasn’t ready to admit that part quite yet.
He didn’t touch me but he examined it closely
“Why?”
“I disobeyed them.”
I could see the compassion in his eyes like he understood exactly what that meant. To have someone punish you in such a violent manner. And he did because of his father. That’s why I knew I was safe to tell him these things. He wouldn’t judge me.
“Can I ask if you have more?”
“Scars?”
He nodded.
“Um, yes, I do.”
I didn’t like to see myself naked. They littered my back along with a few on my torso, arms and thighs. Some of them were worse than others. They were all reminders. Reminders of what had been done to me over the years before I was rescued.
“Extensive?”
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak.
“I know saying sorry that happened to you is kind of useless, so I won’t.”
For the first time in my life, I felt like someone actually understood me. Everyone kept saying they were sorry. The word became meaningless.
I pulled my arm back and covered it again, rebuttoning my sleeve.
“Do you have any?”
“Yes, but… not ones I can show you in public.”
“Where?”
He pointed to his abdomen.
“He hit me with his belt sometimes. The buckle caught my skin in several places.”
He was talking about his father.
“I have a burn mark from a cigar on my shoulder and a few other scars. I was young when it started. Dante took the brunt of it and I didn’t know the extent until the day before Dad was arrested.”
The charges brought against Zachary Benson were revealed to the public, but not the details of the abuse. I wasn’t trying to pry into his life nor get him to tell me about his experience of abuse. If he wanted to talk about it, then I’d listen.
“How did it feel, like when he got put away, I mean?”
“Honestly, all I felt was relief. He wasn’t physically abusive much when I got older, more verbally. So knowing I didn’t have to put up with that any longer… I almost felt like I could breathe again.”
I didn’t feel like I could breathe. Some of the people responsible for what happened to me weren’t in prison where they belonged.
“This got deep quickly.”
He laughed. That baritone laugh which I felt deep in my bones.
“Are you complaining? I mean, we’re both here which by default means we’re miserable and haunted by our pasts. I figured perhaps we both had dark and twisty in common.”
I grinned, trying to hold back from laughing but I couldn’t. It felt so good to laugh. To actually enjoy someone else’s company without it feeling forced.
“Dark and twisty is the right word for it.”
It wasn’t a competition. I was sure the things James experienced were awful in their own right just as my harrowing past was too.
“Does telling you about my dad count as a story?”
“Yeah, it does.”
“Then I guess we’ve both met our end of the bargain.”
Somehow that made my chest feel tight. Was this coming to an end already? I honestly didn’t want it to.
“You want another?” he asked when I said nothing.
“Um, sure.”
He got up, taking our empty glasses back to the bar with him. When he returned, he had a napkin tucked under one of the glasses and a pen behind his ear. He set the drinks down and handed the napkin to me along with the pen.
One month today at 6 pm, I promise to meet you outside this bar before we go to dinner where we will exchange another story.
He’d already signed it. I smiled, unable to help myself. He wanted to go to dinner. I wracked my brain for my work schedule before pulling out my phone and checking the app for it. The hotel I worked at had some fancy technology and the rotas were done well in advance. I wasn’t working that day so I picked up the pen, signed my name too and slid it back to him.
“Let me guess, you’ll remember.”
“How could I forget? I mean, I don’t get random invites to dinner very often.”
His smile was becoming my new favourite thing. It was radiant. His ocean blue eyes twinkled in an almost mischievous way.
“I’d hardly call it random. You did tell Sandro we’re friends”
“If you turn up next time, then we can officially call each other friends.”
“Deal.”
For the next half an hour we talked about work mostly. We didn’t stick around for another drink. We stood a little awkwardly outside the bar together.
“So, um, guess I’ll see you in a month then.”
He rubbed the back of his neck.
“Yeah, a month.”
He looked like he wanted to say more, but he didn’t open his mouth again. Why did it feel like the next month would drag?
“I had fun.”
I wasn’t lying. Talking to him had been easy once I started. He didn’t give me any weird vibes or cause my anxiety to spiral out of control. James made me feel safe in a strange sort of way.
“Me too… I… I’ll see you soon.”
He looked like he might try touch me for a moment but then he gave me a smile, turned and walked away. I watched him for a long moment before turning in the other direction so I could catch my bus.
Tonight had been a giant leap for me. I’d told someone something about me not many other people knew. Someone who didn’t look at me with pity.
I like you, James Benson. I hope we can be friends. Having a friend like you would make me happy.
Chapter Five
James
For the first time in forever, I was actually looking forward to something. It wasn’t a date or the promise of sex. It was just a thing between two people who shared a past marred by violence and abuse. There was no doubt in my mind, Ellie had suffered. The scar she’d shown me was only the tip of the iceberg. Seeing it hadn’t bothered me at all. Some people wore their scars on their skin and some etched on their souls. I suffered from both and I had a feeling Ellie did too.
Perhaps this was what I needed. A new friend. That’s what I wanted out of it. Someone I could confide in who wasn’t Avery. Ultimately, she was right. I needed to find another person even though she’d always be my best friend. We’d been close for so long, not having her in my life would be like severing a limb. When she’d disappeared after her parents’ deaths, I’d almost lost it completely. Dad was getting worse and my world was falling apart around me. The one person I needed wasn’t there. I was terrified she’d met the same fate as her parents.
When she’d come back
, I was relieved, but that’s when everything changed because of her family and Aiden. Our relationship with each other hadn’t been the same since. We’d always share a certain level of closeness, but her love for Aiden eclipsed everything else.
I needed to stop thinking about this. Why was I continuing to torture myself in this way? It wasn’t healthy. More like self-flagellation. It wasn’t anything less than I deserved considering how I’d kept the truth of my feelings from her. It wouldn’t do her any good to know anyway. I knew Avery. Her soft heart wouldn’t be able to stand it. She’d feel responsible for it and she wasn’t. It was my fault. My burden.
I meant to tell Ellie about Avery. That was why I’d kept my promise to meet her. When she’d told me about her pain, I couldn’t help but share mine because she understood it. I had a hard time talking about my father with my siblings. None of us liked to bring the subject up. Not since he went to prison. Besides Dante had Liora to confide in and the twins had each other. I didn’t like to discuss it with Avery much so I had no one.
You have Ellie now.
I barely knew a thing about this girl and yet talking to her was easy. She got it without me having to explain. Next time I’d talk to her about Avery. Except next time felt too far away.
The door to my office slammed open on its hinges. I looked up just in time to see Cassie walk in, her features painted with irritation.
“I’ve been back and forth with myself for a week now wondering if what you said was true.”
I was so startled by her presence, I couldn’t think what she was talking about.
“I thought you wanted this thing between us to work and yet now I just think you’ve been lying to me this whole time. You’re selfish, you know that? You expect me to be at your beck and call when you want it, but when I need you, you’re never there. Did you ever care about me or was this just some fun to you?”
Fuck, she hadn’t shut the door. I had to stop this. Her voice was all high pitched and I swear everyone on this floor could hear her. I stood up and walked around the desk, putting my hands out to her.
Promises Page 4
