I read into every interaction we had like the infatuated fool I was. There was no doubt in my mind now, I was attracted to James in a deep, visceral way which stole my breath every time I was around him. Even just getting a text from him made my heart thump. To say I was a little disappointed he didn’t skip out on his own birthday party to see me was an understatement. I shouldn’t feel that way at all. He should spend time with his family and friends. I was new in his life so they should take precedence over me.
A little part of me wished he felt the same way as me, but how could he? He told me to my face he loved his best friend in a romantic way. Like he wanted to be with her. I had to remind myself he’d also told me he would never break up her marriage. He had boundaries and morals which couldn’t be said for any of the other men who’d been in my life before.
It struck me the reason I liked James was quite possibly because he was the first man who treated me with respect and common decency. Deep down, I knew that wasn’t it. I was trying to explain something that couldn’t be explained. Human attraction had always been something which confounded me. It defied logic. It just was. You were either attracted to someone or you weren’t.
My eyes fell on the door to the lobby where a man was walking into the bar area. My breath got stuck in my throat. My world seemed to slow down to a grinding halt as I froze on the spot.
What is he doing here? How… He can’t know I work here, can he?
My feet shifted and I hit the back bar, holding it to steady myself as I watched him walk to one of the tables and take a seat. And when his eyes met mine, the deadly gleam in them told me everything I needed to know. He’d tracked me down for god knows what reason. I never thought I’d see him again after he sold me to the Daniels. There he was. The person who completely ruined my life.
His sky blue eyes bored holes into mine. He looked so much older than when I’d last seen him. His dark hair was greying at the sides. What struck me the most is he looked healthier and less sallow. The man had been hooked on heroin for longer than I could remember. Had he gotten off the drugs finally? Why did it even matter?
Why is my father here?
This was not what I needed. Not when I was just getting my life back together. I hadn’t seen him in almost ten years. What did he want now? Nothing good could come out of this.
He sat there staring at me as if this was the most normal thing in the world. He had absolutely no right to be here. Not after he’d sold his own daughter to pay for his drug habit. I couldn’t do this. Couldn’t be here right now with him.
I backed away towards the door leading out to the stock room.
“Ellie, are you okay?” Sasha who was on the bar with me that day asked.
“Uh, no… I need a minute.”
Panic set in. My skin prickled and I could hardly drag air into my lungs. My chest burnt and my limbs started to lock up.
“Hey, it’s okay. I’ll cover for you. Go.”
Her concerned expression spoke volumes. I must look terrified and freaked out right now. I bolted, shoving the door open and striding towards where I knew the cleaning supplies cupboard was. I opened the door and shut myself in it. Darkness encompassed me. I slid down onto the floor, putting my head between my knees as my body trembled all over. My heart raced out of control, pounding in my ears like a bass drum. A dull ache started in my temples and my skin was clammy.
I tried to take deep breaths but my lungs were constricting and my chest ached. I put my hands over my head, trying to hold back the tide of memories threatening to overcome me. It was fruitless. My scars itched and my vision started to blur at the edges even in the dark. The world caved in and I was lost.
***
“No,” she screamed. “You can’t do this.”
“The little bitch is mine, I can do whatever the fuck I want,” he grunted as she beat her fists down on his back.
He had me by the arm, his grip bruising. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I winced against the pain.
“That’s our daughter, you bastard. She’s not a commodity you can sell to pay for your fucking drugs.”
He turned on her and backhanded my mother around the face, sending her flying. The sickening thud as she crashed into the sofa made me flinch. I was used to the violence. He never cared if he hurt her or not.
“Come on, Ellie, we’re leaving.”
He started dragging me away towards the front door. My eyes were on Mum. She was hardly moving, but I could see the slight rise and fall of her chest.
“Don’t take her, Richard,” she croaked. “Please, don’t give her to them.”
He stopped halfway towards the door, the sudden movement causing me to stumble. He almost ripped my arm out of my socket pulling me back to keep me upright.
“What is she fucking good for, Bea? Nothing. All she does is cost us money.”
“She’s my daughter. They’ll ruin her.”
“Good. It’s no less than she fucking deserves.”
He dragged me out of the house and threw me into the passenger seat of his run down old Nissan Micra. I didn’t try to run. He’d only catch me and then he’d beat me. What was the point? Maybe I’d be treated better wherever he was taking me. I didn’t hold out much hope of that. My whole life had been marred with violence anyway.
He got in the driver’s side and grunted at me to put my seatbelt on. I buckled it with shaky fingers. Before he set off, he looked at me.
“You going to be a good girl, Ellie?”
“Yes, Dad,” I whispered, my voice trembling on the words.
“They’re giving me good money for you. Your mother and I will be set up for life.”
I didn’t respond. Somehow I knew nothing I said would make a difference anyway. He was selling me to pay for his drug habit. I was under no illusions about that.
I looked back at the house as we drove away, but Mum didn’t come out. I never even got to say goodbye to her.
***
I gasped for air, my lungs burning from the lack of oxygen. That was the last time I saw her. My mother. I didn’t know if she was dead or alive. I hoped my father was dead. That the drugs finally killed him. It shouldn’t surprise me he’d survived this long. He was a parasite. Someone who fed off other people and used them for his own gain.
I’m okay. Everything is fine. Just breathe, Ellie. Breathe.
I had to remember I was my own woman now. I didn’t have to do anything my father said nor listen to him. He had no control over me. He lost the right to have anything to do with me. I was an adult. He was dead to me.
My heart rate started to settle and my breathing evened out. My panic attacks didn’t last long these days, but they crippled me when they hit. Except for the one before this. The one I almost had with James. Questioning why it had been different probably wouldn’t lead me anywhere good or if it did, it would just remind me of what I couldn’t have.
Why on earth was I thinking about him at a time like this?
You like him, Ellie. He’s the person you think about night and day and can’t get out of your head.
I groaned, trying to shut down that train of thought. Now was not the time to be getting my brain scrambled with James when I’d just seen my father. I had to get up and get out of this cupboard. I was still technically working.
Hauling myself up off the floor, I opened the door and stepped out. The stock room was empty thankfully. I brushed myself down and checked my bun. It felt like it was still intact. There was nothing for it. Time to get back to the bar.
I took a deep breath and walked back out, eyes scanning the room. He wasn’t there. My father was gone. I almost sighed in relief.
“Hey, Ellie, everything okay now?” Sasha asked as she spied me.
“Um, yeah, sorry about that. Just felt really faint.”
“It’s cool, glad you’re feeling better.”
I nodded to her in thanks before moving away to serve someone who’d come up to the ba
r. I wasn’t sure what my father wanted or why he’d come here. Probably just showing himself to try and intimidate me. Sadly it had worked. I was terrified of him coming back. Now he knew where I worked, did that mean he would find out where I lived?
I didn’t need this. Not now I was getting my life back together.
***
My phone buzzed next to my head. I’d flopped face down on my bed when I got in from work, not wanting to do anything else. Today had taxed me. Seeing my father kept me on edge for the rest of my shift.
I rolled onto my side and picked up my phone, letting out a soft sigh when I saw who it was.
JAMES: I need a fucking drink.
ME: Bad day?
JAMES: Just busy. New collection means all hands on deck.
I stared at his message for a long minute, contemplating how to respond. As much as I wanted to talk to James, my head was pounding. All I wanted was to curl up under the covers and sleep for a week.
ME: Mine wasn’t any better.
JAMES: No? Need a drink too?
ME: Guess so.
I thought he was going to respond but he didn’t. Shoving the phone away, I hauled myself up and stripped out of my clothes. I pulled on pyjama shorts and a long sleeved sleep top before crawling under the covers.
The shrill ringing of my phone made me groan. I answered it and put it to my ear without looking at who it was.
“Hello?”
“What are you doing?” came James’ deep baritone voice which sent a shiver down my spine.
I should’ve checked my damn phone first.
“Right now? Nothing really… Just got in bed.”
There was a moment of silence.
“This early?”
“Haven’t got anything better to do and honestly, my head kind of hurts.”
“You don’t want company then.”
My heartrate kicked up a notch. The thought of James being here made me equal parts nervous and excited.
“Depends what you have in mind.”
“Pizza, wine and a film.”
“My flat is tiny. Like seriously tiny.”
I wasn’t trying to deter him, but at the same time, I wasn’t sure I could handle seeing him after today. Not when my dad had turned up unexpectedly. I slapped my hand over my head. If I let my father’s appearance dictate my life then he would’ve won.
“And? I’ll bring the booze.”
“Okay, fine. I’ll text you the address.”
“Red, white or rosé?”
“White please.”
“Consider it done.”
He hung up without letting me respond. Holy shit, I just agreed to let James come over. The only people I’d ever let in here were the men who delivered my furniture. I tapped out a quick message with my address before launching myself out of bed. The flat wasn’t too messy, but I needed to sort it out.
Thirty minutes later, I’d tidied everything away, made the bed, brushed my hair and changed into a pair of longer pyjamas, pulling a zip-up hoodie on. I felt self-conscious about my appearance. Should I have changed into jeans?
What would he think of my place? It was basically one room which housed my kitchen with a little breakfast bar and my bed. I had a TV mounted on the wall so I could watch it from the bed. There was a small bathroom and two cupboards. I had a chest of drawers too, but that was about it. I could’ve probably gotten a sofa in here, but since it was just me, I didn’t see the point.
It was too late to do anything else because the buzzer went. I hadn’t expected him to be here so soon.
Fuck.
I buzzed him in and paced the room, wringing my hands until there was a knock at the door. Walking over to it, I pulled it open. There he stood, looking effortlessly handsome with a carrier bag in one hand and a pizza box in the other. His dark hair was wind ruffled and he had jeans, trainers and a dark green hoodie on, which was unzipped revealing a black t-shirt clinging to his muscular body.
My mouth suddenly went very dry. James was here. And I was going to be alone with him in my flat where the only place to sit down was the breakfast bar or my bed. My frigging bed.
“I wasn’t sure what you liked so I just got a margarita. I hope that’s okay.”
“Um, yeah, uh… come in.”
I stepped back and he walked in, taking in the surroundings with a casual turn of his head.
“So you weren’t kidding about it being small.”
I shrugged, shutting the door behind him as he popped the pizza box on the breakfast bar along with the carrier bag.
“Glasses?” he asked.
I felt weird having him here. This was my personal space and there was a man in it. An actual man. Why had I agreed to this? Especially today when I’d seen my father.
You haven’t seen James in a week. That’s why. You miss him.
I shifted by him and opened one of the kitchen cupboards, pulling out two wine glasses. The only ones I owned, but at least I had some. Drinking wine out of normal glasses didn’t seem very classy. Not that I was particularly classy. I was standing here in pyjamas and we were about to eat pizza on my bed.
I was glad he’d bought screw cap bottles because I didn’t have a bottle opener myself. I set the glasses down for him and he poured a generous serving in each one. I got some kitchen towel and popped it on top of the pizza box.
“Now all we have to do is pick a film,” he said, giving me a lopsided smile.
“Lucky I have Netflix.”
His smile got wider and he stepped back to allow me to move over to the bed. I picked up the remote from the bedside table and turned the TV on. I navigated to Netflix and crawled onto the bed, sitting up against the headboard.
“What do you fancy?” I asked as he popped the pizza on the bed and returned to collect the wine.
He put the glasses on the bedside table and sat down, tugging off his trainers before he sat next to me.
“I’ll watch anything. Dante and I have shit film marathons where we just spend the whole time taking the piss out of the bad dialogue, crappy plots and awful CGI.”
Handing me a glass, he gave me a smile. I tried not to think too much about him being on my bed and how close we were sitting to each other. I concentrated on the TV, flicking through the menu.
“What about that one?” he asked, pointing at something on the screen.
It was a romantic comedy. I didn’t question it even though I wondered why he wanted to watch that of all things. Popping the film on, I dragged the pizza box in between us and flipped the lid. Neither of us spoke for the first half an hour whilst we were stuffing our faces.
He popped the box on the floor and settled back down next to me. It didn’t escape my notice he was inches from my body. My skin prickled and my face felt hot. A weird stirring started in my stomach and wound lower.
Holy crap!
I was barely paying attention to the film. All I could think about was if he shifted, his hip would brush against mine. I finished off my glass to calm my nerves. He’d brought the bottle over so he pretty much refilled it straight away. His blue eyes met mine. There was something in his expression I’d never seen before. A flicker of longing which was gone in the next instant.
“Thanks,” I mumbled.
I hadn’t imagined that, had I? Did James see me as more than just a friend? Did he like me? I tried not to groan in frustration at my whirling thoughts. At the very least, this was distracting me from what happened today.
I fiddled with the zip on my hoodie, sipping the wine whilst trying not to look at him. The thing is, I really wanted to stare at him. At first, I hadn’t noticed just how hot he was. Only now I’d admitted the depth of my attraction to him did I see it. The way his dark hair was never quite perfectly styled. Unkempt suited him. Gave him this sort of rakish appearance. His ocean blue eyes could literally drown a girl. They were stunning. And I really couldn’t get over how everything he wore moulded to him
perfectly. It shouldn’t surprise me he knew how to dress. He worked in the fashion industry. Didn’t mean I couldn’t admire how well he wore his clothes.
I swallowed, trying to ignore how hot I was feeling. Was this what desire felt like? I really didn’t know. Mostly I associated sex or sexual contact with violence and being taken against my will. Not with him though. My stomach felt tight, my muscles coiled as the tension inside me increased. I couldn’t deal with the sensations coursing through me. I needed an outlet. A release. There was no way I was getting that any time soon.
I looked at the TV, finding the couple about to kiss for the first time. My lips tingled, imagining what it would be like to kiss James.
Oh god. This is too much.
I licked my bottom lip, trying not to squirm next to him. Stealing a glance, I saw his eyes were on me, specifically my mouth where my tongue was poking out. I retracted it, looking away and trying to act like nothing just happened. But it did. I saw that look. The concentration on his face as my tongue swept across my lip.
Nope. Not going there. You can’t. He’s in love with his best friend.
I wanted to. I’d never wanted to kiss someone in my life and I wanted to kiss James so badly my lips burnt with need. To be honest, the only kisses I’d ever received were sloppy messes and I’d refused to participate. Thankfully, most of my masters weren’t interested in kissing. My mouth appealed to them in other ways.
When I couldn’t take the tense atmosphere between us any longer, I crawled off the bed and set my glass down on the chest of drawers before hurrying into the bathroom. Splashing my face with water, I looked at myself in the mirror. I was flushed, my eyes wide and pupils dilated. The only way it could be more obvious I wanted him was if I put a neon sign above my head saying ‘please kiss me, James’.
Inwardly groaning, I quickly went about my business and walked back out into my studio. I flipped on some of the lamps and turned out the main light. Settling back down on the bed with my glass, I noticed he’d paused the film.
Promises Page 10
