The sweatshirt had meant I couldn't see anything, but that hadn't stopped my brain from trying to remember what his upper body had looked like when I’d changed out his wet clothes for dry ones. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending upon how one looked at it, I'd been in too much of a rush to linger at the time.
It was all too much to take in at once. I couldn't make sense of how I'd never realized I could be attracted to men before, and now that I was, it was hard to accept. But I also wasn't one to keep making excuses, especially when something was just too obvious to ignore.
With the way I was holding Lex against the wall, his body was lined up almost perfectly with mine. He might've been shorter than me, but it wasn't enough to change how our bodies notched together. All I had to do was press my hips in just a bit, and I’d feel that bulge I'd seen behind his underwear.
The need to do just that was like a fire burning in my blood. Fortunately, I had the sense to keep some distance between us. Just because I was dealing with all of these unexpected things didn't mean that Lex was having the same issue. And clearly, he wasn't because he had already pointed out how much my reaction to his blindness bothered him.
The more I thought about it, the more I understood it. How many times had I taken for granted how easy it was to read a person rather than actually speak with them? It was one of the many reasons my wife and I had drifted apart. She'd needed constant reassurance from me about anything and everything and after growing tired of it, I’d started expecting her to just read my expressions the way I read hers. But she might as well have been as blind as Lex. By the time I’d realized she wasn't able to read me in the same way, it had all been too late. Our marriage had crumbled, and things had only gone downhill from there.
I shoved away thoughts of the past and focused on the man holding completely still in my grip. He was breathing hard and I knew I had to be scaring him. "I can't," I repeated and then added, "Not until I know you'll be okay on your own."
It was a half-truth. I really wanted to just hold on to him because the idea of letting him go felt wrong. But that made no sense. I didn't even like the guy. Yeah, I was attracted to him, but he was an entitled prick who just happened to be at a low moment in his life.
I focused on Lex's expression as I released my hold on him. I swore I saw his lips quiver just slightly, but I couldn't be sure. He didn't move away from the wall and I found myself not moving either. I'd expected that my body would calm if I wasn't touching him, but that fire still burned and there was this nearly painful itch in my fingers. I fisted my hands to keep from reaching for him again.
"I'm not your responsibility," Lex said. His eyes were looking over my shoulder. I wanted to grasp his chin so I could direct his gaze to meet mine, but I resisted the urge. "I know it doesn't seem like it, but I can take care of myself. I've been doing it for a long time."
I sighed because I knew he was right. And the sooner I got him out of my cabin, the sooner I could deal with all the new feelings he brought out in me. "Fine," I responded. "Let me just check your blood sugar again and fix you some dinner and then I'll take you home."
"That's not necessary—" he began to say, but I silenced him by taking his hand in mine. So much for resisting the urge to touch him.
"Humor me," I murmured. "Please," I added, though it was admittedly tough. I was used to people following my orders. It wasn't that I was a controlling asshole who needed to dominate others; it just seemed that people naturally looked to me for direction. My wife hadn't particularly liked making decisions in our household and had often asked me how to handle things. I hadn’t been smart enough to recognize it as a cry for help. It was one of many regrets I would have to live with for the rest of my life and I didn’t want to repeat it with Lex or anyone else.
I was relieved when Lex nodded. More awkward silence filled the air between us, but this time I wasn't going to make the same mistake I had before. I still had ahold of Lex's hand, so I used that to pull him forward just a little. I hoped that he would pass off the contact as nothing more than me helping him get from one place to another. He didn't need to know that I liked the way his palm felt against mine. "I'll show you the kitchen," I explained, since I now understood how important it was for him to know where he was.
He pulled me to a stop and said, "Um, can you show me to the bathroom first?"
I felt like an ass when I nodded. I really needed to get over using the nonverbal responses. "Yeah, sure." I changed direction and led him to the other side of the living room. "We’re in the living room right now," I explained. "When you come out of my bedroom and down that little hall, you turn right and follow the wall until you get to the first door. That's the bathroom."
Lex squeezed my hand the tiniest bit and I wanted to believe it was a good thing. Unfortunately, my cock had already decided it was. Suddenly, the vision of Lex's hand squeezing my shaft the same way he was squeezing my hand jumped into my brain and I nearly tripped over the threshold of the bathroom.
"There's a little step there," I said stupidly as I held on to Lex a little tighter. He used his foot to seek out the threshold and then nodded. My bathroom wasn't very big, so as I led Lex to the toilet, we ended up closer than I would've liked. I caught just a hint of whatever cologne or aftershave he used. I found myself fighting the urge to lean in and explore his scent further. Considering all he'd been through in the past twenty-four hours, the man shouldn't have smelled or looked as good as he did.
"So, um, yeah, this is the bathroom. It has a toilet."
I saw Lex actually smile and it did something bizarre to my insides. It lit them up, lightened them even. I found myself smiling back when I realized what I'd said.
"That's good to know," Lex said. There was a little bit of a twinkle in his eyes instead of just the blankness that was becoming all too familiar.
I didn't realize I’d gotten lost in his smile until it faltered and he said, "Gideon?"
I wanted to kick my own ass for doing the same thing I’d done to him before. He started to step away from me, so I grabbed for his hand again but instead of holding it, I lifted it to my face. I settled his fingers at the corner of my mouth and then said, "It has a heated seat."
"What?" Lex asked in complete confusion.
I kept his hand against my face so he could feel the movements of my mouth. I wasn't sure if it was helpful or not, but I didn't want a repeat of the living room incident. "I don't splurge on much because I simply don't have the money, but there's nothing worse in my mind than sitting on a cold toilet seat," I admitted. “I actually avoid public bathrooms because I can’t stand the idea of a cold backside.”
Lex didn’t react at first which had me feeling like an idiot. Then he smiled and that had me smiling. His eyes widened a little when his fingers moved as my mouth lifted. Even if his touch hadn't felt fucking amazing on my skin, I still would've felt like the king of the world for knowing I'd gotten something right with the man.
"Thank you," Lex said softly. His fingertips lingered at the corner of my mouth and I found myself wishing he'd move them just a little to the right so he’d be touching my actual lips. But after just a moment's pause, he dropped his hand, then his eyes. I wasn't sure if I was glad or disappointed that the move broke whatever spell I'd imagined was being weaved around us. I needed to remember that even if I was dealing with some newfound discoveries when it came to my sexuality, Lex wasn't. And that was a good thing because despite the pleasurable sensation his touch evoked, I was nowhere near ready to deal with any of it.
"So, I'll just leave you to it," I said awkwardly. "I'll wait for you outside the door."
I didn't give him a chance to respond. What I did was flee the bathroom and then hurried to my bedroom to grab his sweats. Or rather, my sweats. There was just no way in hell I'd be able to spend any time with the man when all he was wearing was his underwear. He was finishing up in the bathroom by the time I returned and when he opened the door, I casually handed him the sweats and said, "It's
kind of chilly in here." I made sure to put the sweats in his hands so he could feel the material. I smiled when his eyes went wide and he looked down at his lower body as if expecting to be able to see he had no pants on.
"Oh God," he said. I didn't point out that he’d just been in the bathroom and so it shouldn't have been such a shock to him that he was only wearing underwear, because I was too busy enjoying how adorable he looked as he remembered that he’d been parading around in just the briefs and the sweatshirt for the past several minutes.
"Sorry," he said as he began to put the sweats on. I automatically reached out to support his weight and help him work the pants over his feet. The man was positively gorgeous when he was flustered.
I almost told him not to be sorry because I'd enjoyed the view, but I caught myself in the end and instead said, "I once photographed this naked tribe in Congo, so trust me, it's not an issue."
It was a lie, of course. Not the part about Congo, but the issue part. I definitely had issues because I could only feel disappointed as I watched Lex pull his sweats up. I cursed myself for the errant thought and then took Lex's hand in mine again. I led him through the living room, explaining how to get to the kitchen. Brewer, who'd been lying on the couch, jumped off and hurried to Lex's side. The dog's behavior both amused and intrigued me. The husky mix had always been protective of me, but I'd never seen him behave around someone like he did Lex. And the fact that he tried to protect Lex from bumping into things and even showing enough intelligence to try to lead Lex around objects was mind blowing.
Once I got Lex settled at the small kitchen table, I began working on dinner. "Do you want to test your sugar before we eat?" I asked.
Lex nodded. He seemed to hesitate and then he said, "Do you have my bag?"
I stilled in the process of reaching for a pan. I'd forgotten that I'd removed the bag from the room so he wouldn't hurt himself with the contents. If he was asking me about the bag's whereabouts instead of remarking about going back to my bedroom to get it, he likely knew I’d taken it.
"Um, yeah," I mumbled as I grabbed the bag from the bench where I kept my boots and coat. I'd actually taken his supplies with me when I’d gone to check on his cabin. I handed him the kit, but he didn't call me out on the fact that it had been in my possession the whole time. "You need any help?" I asked.
Lex shook his head. "No, thanks."
I returned to the stove and began getting out the various pots and pans I'd need to make the stir-fry I was planning. I watched Lex out of the corner of my eye. He moved with familiarity as he tested his blood. I heard a beep, meaning the value was on the screen, but when I started to move to his side so I could read it to him, he hit a button on the little device and a robotic voice called out the number. I was glad to hear that the number was in the safe zone. I continued to work on dinner as Lex slowly sorted through his little bag and pulled out all the different items. I watched from my peripheral vision as Lex took the insulin patch and lifted his shirt, or my shirt rather, and placed the little device on his abdomen. I found myself getting stuck on the ridges of his muscles as he made sure the small patch was secure. It wasn't until Lex said, "Is something burning?" that I realized I was staring.
"Shit," I barked when I saw that the veggies in the pan had started to brown. I let out a string of curses as I removed the smoking pan from the burner and dumped the pan in the sink.
"Everything okay?" Lex asked. I could hear the humor in his voice. The whole scene felt oddly domestic. It reminded me of the early days of my marriage when my wife and I had taken turns cooking dinner. Warmth accompanied the memory for all of about three seconds before the bitter truth of my situation returned.
"Gideon?" Lex asked. I realized I hadn't answered him.
"Yeah, everything's okay," I responded. I tried to keep my voice light, but Lex's next words made it clear I hadn't managed it.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked.
That was absolutely the last thing I wanted to do. "Are there any vegetables you don't like or can't eat?" I asked, avoiding his question entirely. "Is chicken okay with you?"
I didn't miss the way Lex took a long time to answer. I didn't dare look at him, not that it would've mattered since he wouldn’t be able to see me. But I didn't want to see his disappointment that I’d sidestepped yet another one of his questions. "Chicken sounds good. And as long as the vegetables came from the ground, grew on a tree, or fell from the sky, I’ll eat them.”
I found myself chuckling. "I haven't been to the city in a while. Are divebombing veggies a problem down there?"
Lex's soft chuckle was music to my ears. I sent him a side glance as I began prepping the food all over again. He was fussing with the controller for his insulin pump. This time I didn't even consider asking him if he needed help. Instead, I listened as he spoke into the device, which looked a lot like any old smart phone. He waited for the thing to calibrate and then it was reading off his blood sugar. The value matched almost perfectly with the measurement he'd taken just moments before. My curiosity got the better of me. I left the stove off and went to sit in the chair next to Lex's. "Do all insulin pumps have voice technology?" I asked.
Lex shook his head. "No, most of them don't. The company that designed this one"—he held up the controller—"is trying to change that. Even though most people who suffer from diabetes in the US don't suffer vision problems until they're older, there are a lot of other countries where the disease isn’t caught early enough and patients end up losing their sight when they’re younger."
"Is that what happened to you?" I asked.
Lex stilled for a beat and then nodded.
"Where did you grow up?" I asked. I tried to remind myself that it was none of my business and that it was better if I didn’t know anything intimate about the man, but another part of me wanted to know everything about him. I really needed to figure out how to shut that part of me down.
Easier said than done.
"New York," Lex said as he looked at me. He didn't quite meet my eyes, but it certainly wasn't for lack of trying.
"New York?" I said in surprise. I'd expected him to say he was from one of those countries where the care for diabetic patients was substandard. "Isn't vision loss treatable in diabetics as long as they get regular eye exams?"
"It is," Lex agreed. "But if they aren't diagnosed quickly enough or if they don't get those exams, then by the time they start to lose their sight, it's too late for treatment."
"Didn't anyone warn your parents?" I asked. It was difficult to keep the anger out of my voice. To think that Lex's blindness had been entirely preventable was beyond painful.
Lex was quiet for a long time. I fully expected him not to answer and was about to apologize for overstepping my bounds when he said, "No parents to warn."
I wanted to ask him what he meant but when he looked me directly in the eye, as much as he could anyway, I held my tongue. I knew what was coming next. It had been pretty much inevitable. I tried to steel myself for the question, but it was pointless.
"How do you know so much about this?" Lex asked carefully.
There were a dozen different answers I could have given him. I could have even just gotten up and walked away like I so often did when the subject came up. But I found myself unable to move. My feet felt as weighed down as my shoulders always did when I let myself think about the past and the mistakes I'd made and the terrible consequences that had followed. I looked back at Lex and saw him rubbing his finger over the surface of the table.
He was nervous.
Nervous about asking the question in the first place or nervous about my response—I wasn't really sure which, but it didn't matter. I was crossing a line with him that I’d promised I'd never cross with anyone ever again. The whole reason I’d returned to Fisher Cove was so I could draw that line and make sure that everyone who'd once known me understood it wasn't to be crossed. That I was no longer the Gideon Callahan they'd watched grow up each summer year after
year.
Lex’s finger began tapping more incessantly on the table but when he suddenly sat back, drawing his hand with him, I found myself reaching out to cover it with mine. He let out a little whisper of air but didn't say anything. Nor did he try to remove his hand.
"Because my daughter was diabetic."
Chapter Seven
Lex
One of the things I’d feared most about going blind was no longer being able to read a person's facial cues and therefore not being able to pick up on what it was they weren't saying. Less than fifteen minutes had passed since I'd confronted Gideon in the living room and accused him of intentionally keeping me in the dark.
On its surface, his statement about his daughter could have been taken the same way, because he’d provided so little information. But he’d done nothing to hide the raw pain in his voice as he spoke.
So I knew what the "was" part of his admission meant. He’d used past tense not because his daughter had gotten over the disease but because his daughter had been lost to him. And I didn't need to have my sight to know that the event had devastated him.
I didn't even consider asking him to confirm it or to tell me how he'd lost her. What I did do was turn my hand over beneath his so our palms were touching. I rotated my hand enough so I could link my fingers with his. "I'm sorry," I whispered in the softest of voices. He didn't react at first and I fully expected him to just pull away. I had no way of knowing if I was upsetting him further or offending him or making him uncomfortable. I could only hope it was none of those things.
But when the chair did scrape across the floor just a little, he didn't drop my hand and walk away. Instead, he gave it the smallest of squeezes and held it like that for a few seconds.
A million things happened in those few seconds. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I wasn't Lex the blind guy. I was just Lex, the guy who wanted to offer comfort to a fellow human being.
Foreseen: Lex (The Four Book 2) Page 7
