Despite the cool air, I felt hot. I tried to tell myself not to take Gideon's attack personally, but it wasn't easy. He’d specifically asked me to leave him alone. I'd been the one who'd pushed him to open up to me and even if he hadn't given me specifics at that time, clearly, I'd made him remember things he hadn't wanted to. The tears I'd been trying to stem began to fall without warning. I covered my mouth to stifle the sob that was attempting to escape, but I wasn't really sure why I was doing it since I was alone anyway.
Or so I thought.
Because as soon as I let out that first hoarse cry, a cold nose pressed into my armpit and then a wet tongue was leaving a trail of doggy saliva on my face. On the one hand, I was thrilled to have Brewer there to comfort me, but on the other, I was afraid of what that meant for Gideon. He hadn't even tried calling the dog to take him home with him.
I let my fingers skim over Brewer's soft coat. The husky settled half his body on my lap and began whining. No matter how much I petted him, the dog didn't let up with his whimpers. Then he let out a long howl that pierced holes into my already tattered heart.
I dropped my head against Brewer’s and whispered, "I'm sorry, Brewer. I'm worried about him too." Brewer fell silent and tucked his muzzle into my armpit. I used one hand to comfort the dog while I searched out my phone and told it what number I wanted to dial. It was all I could do to keep myself together when a gruff voice on the other end answered.
I opened my mouth to speak, but all that came out was a half sob that sounded as desolate as Brewer's whimpers.
"Lex, talk to me," my brother King all but demanded. He reminded me so much of Gideon that I would've laughed if it hadn't hurt so fucking much. As it was, I could barely get my next words out because I was terrified that, for the first time in my life, not even my brother could help me fix the damage I'd caused.
"King… I think I fucked up."
Chapter Eighteen
Gideon
There was no doubt about who it was that was pounding on my door that night, so I took my time answering it. I'd only just returned from my second visit to the liquor store in the past week, so I hadn't had a chance to break open the first of several bottles of whiskey that I’d bought. I’d gotten smart and had driven to the next town over to stock up on alcohol so I wouldn't have to deal with Merv or any of his busybody patrons judging me for my purchases.
Since I'd left Brewer at Lex's, I'd assumed I'd get a call to come and get the dog, but I was surprised that Lex was returning the animal to me himself. I’d already glanced out the window when I’d heard the sound of an engine getting closer, so I’d known as soon as I’d seen the sleek black car making its way down my driveway who my visitor was.
I forced back the sour taste in my mouth that came along with the guilt I was feeling for how I’d treated Lex. It hadn't been fair to take all my anger out on him, but the reality was that I’d been doing a pretty damn good job of forgetting about what Serena had done to our children. Others had tried to do what Lex had done, but he’d been the first to succeed in making me relive the past. It was just further proof that he was too far under my skin.
I yanked the door open with every intent of telling Lex just to keep my dog because the animal was better off with him, but before I could get a word out, two hands flew out and caught me square in the chest. The shove wasn't hard enough to knock me on my ass, but I did stumble back a few steps from the sheer shock of Lex lashing out at me.
"Do I have your attention now?" Lex yelled as he stomped into my house. Since I hadn't spoken, he didn't know what direction to look in to try and make eye contact with me, but that didn't slow him down.
"Why is it different for you, Gideon?" he asked, his voice harsher than I'd ever heard it.
"What—" was all he let me get out.
"You told me my life wasn't over! You're a hypocrite! You want me to go out there and deal with the fact that I'm blind but you don't have to figure out how to move on!"
His words hurt like hell, mostly because they were true. But as always, the idea of moving on without Bethie only served to rip me wide open all over again. "My kid is gone, Lex! She's not coming back! How the fuck am I supposed to move on from that?"
Lex seemed to soften just a bit. He stepped forward, his hands out in front of him. It would've been easy enough for me to move out of his reach, but I stayed where I was. When his hands touched my chest, he gripped my shirt. "I know that, Gideon. And I know you're hurting in a way that I'll never understand. But you're still here. I have to believe there's a reason for that. You have another child—"
"A child who hates me," I snapped.
Lex slowly moved his hands up so he was clasping my face. "Please don't give up, Gideon," Lex suddenly whispered. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. This time his voice was even softer. "Please, my love, don't give up."
If the endearment hadn't gotten my attention, the way he brushed his mouth over mine certainly would have. It was a sweet, soft, heartbreakingly gentle kiss that carried a thousand pounds’ worth of meaning behind it. I felt his heartbreak in it. The heart that was broken for me, for my loss and for my pain. I closed my eyes and tried to steel myself against this man, but even now my hands were reaching for him. The pain I'd been trying to dull with alcohol for the better part of the week radiated out to my limbs, leaving me feeling weak and helpless.
I found myself wrapping my arms around Lex's waist. I drew on his strength because without it, I felt like I would shatter into a million pieces. Bethie's sweet face appeared behind my eyelids and then her happy voice was in my ear as she sang me her favorite song from whatever TV show or movie she was obsessed with.
"Fuck, Lex," I croaked. "She was so beautiful. She was just so beautiful."
"I know she was, sweetheart."
The bitter tears that I was certain I'd banished for good came back with a vengeance and by the time they were done, Lex and I were on the floor with me cradled against his chest. I was physically and emotionally exhausted by the time the tears dried up. I had no desire to move and Lex seemed to be in no hurry to release me, so I stayed where I was and focused on the sensation of his fingers running through my hair. He didn't ask if I was feeling better and he didn't placate me with the standard "I'm sorry" line that I always got when someone found out my child was dead. He also didn't press me to tell him any more details or explain how I'd ended up in Fisher Cove or what I wanted or needed to happen next. The only sound in the room was the steady ticking of the clock on the kitchen wall… the cheap little clock with apples on it that my grandmother had had in the kitchen from the time they’d moved into the place. Strangely enough, the sound was oddly comforting. I wasn't really sure why.
"Where's Brewer?" I asked. I didn't recognize my own voice because it sounded rusty.
"My driver, Andre, is keeping him at the cabin. I can have him bring him home whenever you want."
When I’d gone over to Lex's to confront him about the hole he'd opened up inside of me, I hadn't wanted Brewer with me anymore. I wasn't proud of my reasons for being so willing to give the dog up. I found myself voicing those reasons to Lex.
"He's been keeping me going. I've spent the past two years telling myself that he needs me and that if I'm gone, he has no one."
"He's not the only one who needs you, Gideon. I went into town this week to pick up a few things from Merv's. That lady, the one who talked to you on the road that day—"
"Mrs. Goldfinch," I supplied.
"Yeah, Mrs. Goldfinch. She recognized me from that day. The only thing she talked about more than you, Gideon, was her grandkids. I think I spent at least forty-five minutes in the canned vegetables section listening to her tell me what an amazing man you are. She said you plow all the streets and private driveways when there's snow and no matter what fundraiser is going on, you always contribute to it. She said you helped her and her husband fix their house when there was water damage from a broken pipe and that any time some hiker goes missing in
the area, you’re out there night and day searching for them."
Between Lex's gentle voice and his hypnotic touch as he stroked my hair, I could only lie there and listen as he spoke. I opened my mouth to tell him those things were nothing, but he beat me to the punch by saying, "You've touched so many lives without even trying, Gideon. Even if you don't want to be a part of the world, the world obviously wants you to be a part of it. I think that’s something that Bethie would be incredibly proud of. And if this is who you are even after suffering such a terrible, unimaginable loss, then what does that say about the man you were before you lost part of your family?" Lex paused and then I felt his lips caressing my forehead. "Your life is not over, Gideon. Do you hear me?" Lex asked, parroting nearly the same exact words I'd said to him weeks earlier.
There were a million things I wanted to say to him like how I didn't deserve his respect or admiration or how I'd played a role in what had happened to Bethie, but his faith in me felt like too much of a gift. He could've just as easily turned his back on me when I’d pushed him away, but he hadn't. I didn't know what any of it meant and I was honestly too tired to think about it.
"Lex?" I murmured as my eyes grew heavy. I hadn't slept much in the past week except for when I'd been passed out in a drunken stupor.
"Hmmm?" Lex responded.
"Will you stay with me tonight?" I asked. I knew I didn't deserve his kindness after the harsh things I'd said to him earlier, but I needed it just the same. I didn't know how to tell him that though. Fortunately, I didn't have to because his response was both simple and instant.
"Yes."
Chapter Nineteen
Lex
Fight for him, Lex. You're stronger than you think.
Those had been King's words of advice after I'd told my brother about Gideon. He'd been absolutely right. I'd used every bit of the love in my heart, tough and gentle alike, to try and bring Gideon back and it had seemingly worked. No, it hadn't been an instant fix, but after nearly three weeks, I was starting to see little bits and pieces of the man I'd fallen in love with return.
Gideon and I spent the first week doing nothing more than lying in bed together. When he hadn't been clinging to me after a random memory would cause him to dissolve into tears, he would lie in my arms in complete silence. I'd worried about him, of course, but I'd also known he was going through the very thing he'd refused to go through immediately after his daughter had died.
Grief.
So I hadn't pushed him to do anything but mentally work through the reality that his child really was gone. By the second week, he’d been emotionally and physically worn out and so I hadn’t been able to get him to do much more than get out of bed long enough to eat something. I'd paid Andre handsomely to go out and find us food each day that was something we could just microwave, since I hadn’t been comfortable enough to cook for myself, let alone Gideon. Not that Gideon had eaten much, but by the end of the second week, he’d started to join me at the table and had picked at his food. The only way I'd known that was because after he’d left the table, I'd felt around his plate to see how much food was still sitting on it.
It was usually a lot.
Andre had returned Brewer to Gideon's house the day after I'd confronted Gideon about needing to deal with his grief. Brewer had already wormed his way into my heart, but when I'd heard the dog was the reason Gideon had hung on for as long as he had, he'd claimed a large chunk of it for life.
But no one had lodged themselves more firmly in my heart than Gideon had.
I had no doubt that I was in love with him. Deeply and completely. I couldn't even pinpoint the exact moment when it had happened.
It had just been.
And I had no clue what to do about it.
Despite everything we’d been through together, nothing had really changed. His life was here and mine was in LA. I didn't even want to consider that even if Gideon became more comfortable with his newfound sexuality, it didn't mean he'd want to spend his life with someone like me. While I'd learned to move easily around my cabin, and more recently Gideon's house, the fact was that it wouldn't be so easy to adjust to life outside the little bubble that Fisher Cove provided.
So I did my best not to dwell on the fact that I’d lost my heart to the man I held in my arms every night as he mourned. I just focused on bringing him back the way he’d brought me back without even realizing it.
By the third week, Gideon had started to get back into his routine of checking on the cabins. I'd fully expected him to take me back to my cabin and for us to either go our separate ways or maybe try the whole friend thing again, but to my surprise, the first morning when he’d left to check the cabins out, he’d brushed a kiss across my lips and had asked me if I needed anything from my cabin or if I wanted something from town. I'd tried to write it off as him just needing my presence for a little longer, but admittedly, I was getting too used to living the strange little domestic life that we’d somehow fallen into.
Even though Gideon fell asleep in my arms every night, we hadn't been intimate in any kind of way. It hadn't even been on my radar because it just wasn't something Gideon needed to be thinking about at the moment. But it was certainly on my mind now as Gideon started to get his life back on track. I wanted him more than ever, but I was afraid of what would happen if we did make love. How would I ever be able to let him go after something like that?
In addition to not talking about our relationship, we hadn't talked about Gideon's family at all. I was desperate to know about his other daughter, specifically where she was, but I knew that if and when he wanted to discuss it with me, he’d let me know.
"Lex? Are you here?" I heard Gideon call as he entered the kitchen. I'd been exploring his living room in more detail in the hopes that I could learn more about the man I'd fallen so hard for.
"In here," I responded.
Butterflies danced in my belly as I heard Gideon approach. He’d taken Brewer with him but when I didn't feel the dog greet me, I assumed he’d left the husky outside. While Brewer enjoyed spending time with us in the house, he was definitely an outdoor type of dog because he could easily spend hours exploring the woods around Gideon's house.
"Hey," Gideon said before he brushed a kiss over my cheek. As much as I cherished little moments like these with him, I also wondered if he'd ever kiss me for real again. It was hard to lie next to him night after night and not dream about his weight pressing me into the mattress or his mouth consuming mine. The familiar shivers of anticipation assailed my body even as Gideon stepped away from me.
"What are these?" I asked as I motioned to the items in front of me. It felt like some type of small shelf hanging on the wall and there were little knickknacks all over it. I'd been examining each one in detail but only one had a shape that felt somewhat familiar.
"Oh, that's my…" Gideon began before letting his words drop off.
"It's your what?" I asked. I sensed him moving next to me again and while he didn't touch me with his hands, his body brushed up against mine just enough to tease me. I doubted he even realized what he was doing to me.
"It's my Mickey collection," Gideon said with a sigh.
I smiled when I realized what he meant. "You kept them," I said in disbelief as I remembered how he’d talked about the people in town always giving him little Mickey Mouse knickknacks. He'd acted exasperated when he’d explained why they were doing it, but the fact that he was keeping the little trinkets was just further proof of what a good man he was. And how much he loved this town, even if it was too small for him at times.
"Yeah, well…" he murmured, but he didn't finish the sentence. I felt him move again, but instead of disappearing, he stepped in behind me and put his arms around my waist. I was surprised by the openly intimate move. It gave me hope, but it also ratcheted up my fear. I could get too used to moments like these.
"I brought you something," Gideon said. "Come see." He released me only long enough to take my hand. I carefully set t
he Mickey trinket back down in its spot on the display shelf and then followed him. There was absolutely no hesitation on my part as I let him lead me to the center of the living room. I'd gotten completely comfortable moving around his house on my own. But more importantly, I'd gotten completely comfortable with him. I knew that he would never put me in a situation where I could potentially get hurt or embarrass myself. So wherever he led, I followed and I did so willingly.
"I may need you to walk me through getting it set up," Gideon said as he urged me to sit down on the couch.
"Okay," I said somewhat suspiciously. Since I couldn't see for shit, I wasn't sure how helpful I'd be with setting anything up. But then Gideon put something into my hands that was all too familiar. My heart dropped out of my chest as I felt the object. An even mix of joy and disappointment went through me at the same time.
"Lex, just hear me out, okay?" Gideon said as he closed his fingers over mine as I clutched the video game controller in my hands. Why in the world had he gotten a video game console?
"Why?" I croaked as I tried to hand the controller back to him. But his grip on my hands was absolute.
"Please, baby, just listen.”
Admittedly, the combination of his plea and the endearment were enough to silence me.
"I borrowed this from Kenny. I guess it's an older model or something. He said he would sell it to me for cheap if I decided to keep it."
I wasn't sure what he expected me to say to that, if anything at all, so I kept my mouth shut.
"I know how much you miss playing the games," Gideon continued.
His observation wasn't a surprise because as we'd lain in bed each night, there had been times when the silence had been too much for Gideon and he’d asked me to tell him about the first game I’d designed. It was one of the easiest topics for me to talk about and I’d done so endlessly, explaining all the characters and levels. It had been both comforting and bittersweet because it had reminded me how much I missed playing the video games that had meant so much to me as a kid. As my business had grown, I’d spent more and more time putting out fires and dealing with the developers who’d been coding my games. But I hadn't actually taken the time to keep playing them. And then it had been too late to.
Foreseen: Lex (The Four Book 2) Page 18
